July 2008

Dear Dad,

I am writing this to you – After not having seen you for like Forever. It was my Choice. You hurt me. Bad. Big time.

What made me think of you tonight is... I watched the movie/DVD Freedom Writers. And something just went Eureka for me. With the Movie. I initially bought the DVD because it had Patrick Dempsey in it and in my eyes, he is Very easy on the eyes.

But one statement in the Movie “jumped” out at me.

One girl makes a toast in the movie. Her statement was, “I am no longer going to accept abuse in any form to my person.”

Wow.

I was tolerant of abuse to my person. My whole Life. I “accepted” it. Why? I have value as a person. I do. Yet everyone in my life, I valued, were very ready to tell me how very little value I had. To them.

You hurt me Dad.

Yet you have chosen to hide. Disappear and not “deal” with it.

The difference between you and I is this. I valued you for JUST BEING my Dad. You did not have to “be” anything. You were My Dad and everything else was golden. You were golden. My Daddy and I was/am proud of you. I love you unconditionally. You don't have to be Anything at all. Beyond being my Dad. I will love you forever and ever. And that will never change. You are MY DAD.

Yet, you made me feel that I was never good enough. Or you treated me with disrespect. From the get-go. We have NEVER had a sit down talk together. You choose to never validate my Hurts where you are concerned. You hurt me when you walked out and never wanted to spend time with me, growing up.

And it continued when I moved out here. Do you, WERE YOU, ever aware how very EXCITED and HAPPY I was? When you asked me to move out here AND BE WITH YOU? I had my Daddy back and he was welcoming me INTO his home.

Edith/Sam world was Hell.

Life with you was more of the same. To be “validated” by Dan Sieffert I had to be So many things. I had to marry who you LIKED. ((BULLSHIT)) Dad, I am, and forever will be IN LOVE with Dave Rayner. I would be with him again, and forever in a heartbeat. Yet he has gone underground. I have tried to find him with Private Detectives but Dave knows how to “go to ground” Hence me being Single.

You have hurt Me over the years. I have felt like I have been in competition with Chelsea. That she “wins” your love because she has fit into your Check Marks of Life. She graduated from College, and married a guy YOU LIKED and did all the things you APPROVED of.

I am Worthy of your TIME AND RESPECT. I am an Awesome Person. Do you know the DAUGHTER that you are missing out on?

I am going to address issues that you have hurt me - - Over the years.


You felt it was worthy of calling me a Fat Lazy Whore - - Where the FUCK did that come from? You NEVER had the balls to explain that to my satisfaction. Is that your TRUE opinion of me? WHY? What or how have I ever treated YOU that you felt it was worthy of coming to MY HOME DRUNK and being BELLIGERENT??? Is that how you treat people that you RESPECT and LOVE? That image of you is burnt into my soul Because you were my COMPOSITE of Men that I dated/loved and wanted to spend my life with. I, innocently, thought that ULTIMATELY Dan S LOVED Charlene Ann S. That it was just a given.

Another hurt that you did was when I first moved in. Dad, you are an alcoholic, and a drug abuser. You NEED weed. You choose WEED rather than spending time with your daughter. Which would you rather have? Weed or time with your ONLY blood daughter?

You chose to give MY GRANDMOTHER'S car to Chelsea. With some lameass statement that money was owing on it. BULLSHIT. You made sure that Grandma was sitting pretty financially.

When you do call me, it is to talk about Chelsea and how she is strapped for cash and that you “had to” help her out financially Yet I am on welfare and some days I go without food. No I am not asking you for cash (That is not the purpose of this letter) I am writing to you to see IF we have any sort of a relationship EVER AGAIN.

I love you. And that will never change. You ARE my Daddy. I am VERY PROUD when I stand beside you. I feel whole when I am near you. I have NEVER ever disrespected YOU directly. I have disrespected people in your environment that have disrespected me. Michelle and I also have to have an honest sitdown talk and I would love it if she would not get up in a huff and say she cannot deal with this. This being Me. I would like to get to know her. I am sure she must be Someone worthy to know because my Daddy married her.

As for you and I - - I am quite proud of my trailer. My First Home. Yet have you ever HAPPILY come visit here? No – Why? This is the Why I understand it - - Because you Hate my Dog. You disrespect him – Verbally abuse him and even physically abuse him whenever you come over. Why is that? I love my Dog. Can you not find it in yourself to honour that?

I demand respect for me. My world. My environment. My four-legged people. Can you step up to those standards? Which is like a Given from one to another? Being Family?

You have never made me Feel Welcome in Your Family Life. Why is that? I feel that it is because Michelle has decided that (and this was before the 2 of you were married) was that she was going to do her damn best to “replace” me WITH Chelsea. How many times have I heard from you that you had to quickly hide my photos of My Mom? Are you not allowed to have a History? Yet Michelle does? I have never understood that. I AM YOUR HISTORY. I AM YOUR FUTURE. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER AND I AM NOT GOING AWAY.

I have thought through the past year to make you “HAPPY” ultimately by Offing myself. Or changing my name. All names. But I am Damned Proud to be a S. Grandma and Uncle Parker both made me PROUD of the Surname of S. They made me WELCOME.

I am extending this to you - - IF you can step up to the plate and respect me - - Stop the putdowns, verbally, my way. You are welcome into my home.

Get over that Charlene is a Fuck up. You help others out - - Yet I am a Fuck Up - - Not even worthy of your time.


I have never told you this But when I walked into Edith's home in Warren to tell her that I was moving to B.C. To get to know my Father, these were her words; “You are making a Mistake Charlene. Why? Because the S's are a cold bunch. Cliquey is the right word. You will never find happiness with them.”

I sent her a Birthday card this year and told her she was right.

When I phoned Uncle John and told him about you calling me the Fat Lazy Whore? His words to me were, Well I think you should move out of the Trailer.

Where was I to go? The street?

Warmth just oozes from the S's. OOOOOOOZES.

Also, I have this question for you, What have you told ALL of the S's about me? Obviously ONLY negative. Because in all the homes I have had over the years, never once did they call me? Visit me in my homes? What did you tell them? I had to get on a ferry and visit at D. Bay Road - - I just always thought it was curious and very one-sided.

I would like to have a relationship with My Dad. But the respect has to be mutual.

You never had to “earn” or be something or someone for me to Love you Completely. Respect you Completely.

Are you aware of any of my Traits? Personality? Can you name 10 things about me? My likes? My dislikes? Doesn't it rot in your gut that you do not have a relationship with YOUR ONLY BLOOD DAUGHTER ON THIS PLANET?


I have your sense of humour. I have YOUR blue eyes. I have your nose. I have your short freaky legs.

Can you NOT look beyond my weight? Is that all you see when you look at me? If so, then I do not want you in my world. That is an issue you have to get over.

I suffer from Depression. Serotonin is low in my brain. I have to take Drugs to fix that. It levels me out.

I am a Human being that is Wonderful. Here are ten things that I immediately want you to know about me - - I made 2 AWESOME banners which hang prominently in Nanaimo. People love my Art efforts.

With my low income I give to the SPCA - - both my time and cash.

I am an avid gardener. Which flows into my home and garden.

Yes I will never be a Neat Freak. So I hire both a housecleaner and a vaccuum person, monthly.

I would love help financially at this time, to have Food in my Fridge - - I would love to have a Pantry full of food.

I love how I have decorated my home.

I would love to have a bright Sun room like you had at Departure Bay - - on my deck.

I love to renovate.

I live for art. In any form.

I am warm to my Friends.

I enjoy being on the Computer.

In my course, that I just took I got 100% - - Yet does that move me up in the Dan S evaluation? I doubt it. Where are you for my Graduation?

Why do you think you and I have disintergrated to this level? It was not for my lack of trying. I have always expressed that I wanted you in my world.

But if you can't love/respect/want to be with me, in my world, NO LONGER ABUSE ME VERBALLY we will never have a relationship.

I would like for you to sit down with me and verbally (you NOT being drunk or stoned - - which is both ways of disrespect towards me) I would like to hear your Issues towards me. And if Michelle, would like to be there, so be it. But I think that you and I should just sit down and I would like to listen.

Never have you ever made me feel loved or wanted. I have always felt that you “let me into your world” so the mini-world of N would think Dr. S was such a Great person taking in his daughter. Not because he desired too. Hence the throwing of cash towards me - - Never did you ever phone me and invite me over for the weekend - - Never did you and I spend time together - - extended periods of times? Why is/was that? I never had an answer for that in my brain.

Okay I am writing this to you in hopes that there is something to salvage. If I do not get a response to this, I will know forevermore that you, by not contacting me, have chosen not to. And I will no longer bother you. As I will take it that you have chosen, as Edith has before you, that Charlene is Dead to You. I can handle that. It's the Not-Knowing that I can't handle.

Respect? Talk, and all that. I welcome you - - Drunk and Verbal abuse. That Dan S I don't desire in my world ever again.

I love you Dad.

Charlene

I am going over this weekend to go and look at a VW Bug This gal will take cash increments on it So I am hoping that I will have a car once again.

Yeah your daughter is broke, but that is not forever. If you come by and get to know her, she is not all negativity and downer. I am really quite Fantastic.