no photo 2day as i am typing this on my laptop...

i am wondering about the sanity of me lol really... here is why...

i am so not 16... 2x that is my age... yet my reaction 2 this situation is like that of a 16 t.o. GIRL...

i have been conversing w/a man that i 'KNEW' in h.s. - we had been conversing every day chats in fact of which i had started JUST 2 enjoy...

lately??? NOTHING nada... zip...zero... i write & ask wazzzzzzzzzzzzup? i quite lik(d) our fun chats... he writes back, relax, breathe, i am just very busy...

yet

i zoom around f'book & lookee lookee he's chatting up a storm w.every1 else sending videos pokes and whatnot... to mannnnnnny people and me??? zip nadda zilch...

this is a man 2 be my guide in 2010 of a foreign country/city...

yep i react like the 16 y.o. w/the crush i had on this lad way back when... UGH...

well i will a) retreat; 2 can 'play' that game b) let what will be - - be c) not write 2 him AGAIN until IF he writes to me - - i just hear that nauseating writer dude screaming; HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO U - - ughughugh

i so liked it when he was lol he was funny, witty, sarcastic and more in the chats - bummer... i miss him and our chats - -

we are both 2 be in the same province in july - whoopee - no invite or whatnot - yah yah not that into - -

SHUDDUP I HEAR U lol i get it ...

-charann
i lost out 2 a snuggie lol hahahahahaha

he probably is not a) that great of a kisser b) might... what will be, will be - TRUTHFULLY??? i'd love 4 him 2 surprise me w/a visit this summer - - YAH RIGHT

I find my exhaustive need for Control
is Weakening
Yet my desire for short term of any form is gone.
I have said good bye to my BoyToys
I have never felt so
Alone.
I reach out to another
He chooses another. How f'ly ironic ;)
I am
not enjoying that.
I dare to be open and what does it get me?
Silence from the other side.
Blah.
Bah.
Humbug
and all that.
I force all my hurt, pain and inner screams onto a canvas of reds, oranges and yellows - - all
Vibrant.
Solid lines all.
Nothing broken on my canvas - - all solid.
One heart I draw tho, off to the side, is jagged and sliding down to the bottom of the canvas and beyond
Johnny Cash sings in the background is apt.
Another quotes Budha; "We are the results of our thoughts."
Oh yes - is this meant as "I think, therefore I am..." ???
Therefore I think I am hurting, therefore I am.
Not for long as this canvas I press deeply with my fingertips, almost tearing through...
I outline a tear, deep into the canvas, far away from the broken heart, jagged too.
Ahhhh why do I?
Dare to care?
Even in this small way?
Far away I will run, back to the ocean, the sea, and its breezes.
With or without champagne.
Blurring it all? You say? Submerging it? Once again?
Oh but it is much better to be that way - - blurred and removed -
IF
my reality where you are concerned is
Hurt. You having chose another.
Blurred is a much saner choice.
Can't wait for the surfboard and the winds and the coldness of the ocean beneath my feet, board and riding...
The waves
Instead of a
Man.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
-charann

note to self - he no longer writes to me - SIGH

hey i can't sleep so thought that i would say hello to my handsome pal - how are you?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm - ok if you were here, you would find char hiding under covers of late, hating being a girl UGH, and needing a hug - friends hug don't they LOL hey i wanted to tell you i enjoy writing to you - i guess it is because a) you are married b) so that cancels out COMPLETELY the sexual tension lol c) so i can be relaxed and d) we will only meet in 2010 with a beginning - middle - ending e) no risk and i get to see a tremendously beautiful country on a bike with a handsome guide with NONE of that tension & who i can talk to & zero risk to char's heart so its only a win win situation :)

i love your replies because they are so very precise (so unlike mine LOL) so i learn from that & continue so we are friends and that is good...

you are lucky to be married - you have someone you can curl up to - that is the ONE thing that i miss from a relationship is the curling up with - just the "excitement" of crawling into bed & "knowing" there is a warm body there... that is cuddable... warm and very much into spooning LOL i know i know i am probably glorifying my long ago relationship but that ONE room was where we excelled - it was when we moved from that room it crumbled... but i miss the warmth of that ONE moment of crawling under a comforter time... having him already in bed, and walking into the room and mmmmmmmm... yah you are lucky to be married... that is my search lol someone who likes that too & of which the relationship doesn't crumble BEYOND that moment...

i guess what i find sexy about you which surprised the caca out of me - is how damn SMART you are - - ok this is char being complimentary and falling flat LMAO i so enjoy talking/chatting with you - so in that regard i am glad that there is none of the "other" tension so i CAN relax around you and not put THAT char into gear - okay this is not making sense to you - - you are my first male friend - - isn't that horrible? 42 and never a male FRIEND - - i always was the forward one and said, so ya wanna fuck or what? lol so this is all new to me - - pardon the stupidity but i am like a kid learning something very new HAH but i thoroughly ENJOY chatting with you - many times i feel left behind LOL so i TG for google LOL and persevere... but i think overall i do pretty well LOL the one thing you said that i am trying to revamp into my own characteristic BADLY is you let things happen - i so HAVE TO plan EVERYTHING (control sure LOL) down to the last detail - i think it is from living solo for so long or ?? so i am taking that into my meditative state and trying to coordinate that INTO me "somehow"

u are not going beyond mb borders are you when you visit? in july?

hmmmmmmm - i am looking at my today's agenda - - i hire a cleaning lady LOL isn't that horrible?? its like i am not FULLY female - - i am phobic about cleaning (((LONG story as to the why & VERY VERY VERY boring/sad/tragic))) so i instead give back to the local business by hiring locally and women only run cleaning agency :) also finishing more painting and tonight is my Grad. ceremony of which my dates are 4 women :) All new friends since I moved to Nanaimo...

mmmmmmmmmm... i am going to paint and watch the sun come up with a cup of java ...

i've attached another funny 4shawn LOL

write soon, tell me to breathe lol

and sorry but i try to write little emails to you but this is a SHORT one LOL you say the shawn of yesterday is gone but for me that smile helped me thru many a time LOL & now you are my email pal :) so its all good ...

take care, sent with a bear hug,
char

that will be my last email to the man - so "what shall be, will be" me thinks that he much more prefers the chocolate m&m's

Hello - -
I am thinking that I am going thru changes - Recently I had 2 men re-enter my world - Man No.1 is what I call my "BabyDaddy" as that is what he is. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant at 5 months along. Why did I not find out until so far along? Because I was an avid cyclist ((300+ km/day)) and I had long since no longer had the monthly. So to not have it for X amount of months was not noted, by me.

Then all of a sudden voila - - a kangaroo pouch :) No morning sickness either, just this lil' pouch that stopped me from being able to do up my jeans.

The Daddy disappeared with another, who was already pregnant - - Yea I "REALLY" knew how to pick 'em!!!

He re-entered my world recently - and I just sent him on his way - Explaining my reason why as I did so - - Basically that I always felt that he was with me but not "with" me - - I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder for something "better" "younger" "faster" LOL But you get the idea.

Not a comforting feeling for a potential long-term relationship.

Dude No.2 was a Pick-up - A VERY good looking pickup, but a pickup nonetheless. Which would be hours, and hours of hot sex. 6'2 and eyes of Striking blue. And dumb as dumb can be. The only game he could wrap his mind around was X and O's LOL So VERY good looking, hung and dumb LOL

I sent him on his way, telling him that I was looking for something more long term, steady and whatnot. The look on his face was definitely a kodak moment. I think he was dragging his jaw back to his van LOL

This was a man that help me christen every surface and shower/bath tub of my home. LOL Twice. HAH.

Yet I send him away?

So now I sit here SEXLESS or even the potential of fast/hard sex-less - AHHHHHHHHH I am a girl that loves sex SPONTANEOUS sex. The most memorable place I've had sex? The Revolving Restaurant/Vancouver elevator on the way down. We pressed the Emergency Stop button and yep - -

Or on a bar stool, just lifting my looooong skirt and slowly riding as he sipped his drink, sometimes unsteadily LOL I think his groan at the end and grabbing my hips gave it away LOL

So for me to send these 2 potentials away - - Who am I "becoming" ??? A dried up old spinster? Or opening the way to my SPECIAL one?

Right now I don't know as I paint my walls and wonder...

Char