Well I sit here and type "free will typing" as I call it - With music blasting in the background - Of Liam Titcomb - The last concert that I went to and a disastrious date that I went on to the concert - Yeah it's really a "marvelous" date when you are set up with a dude that is in love with your friend that set up the date - Okay complicated. You get to hear all night long how fantastic/marvelous/smart/beautiful/awesome/great mother and walks-on-water etc etc your friend is from this man and you think, sarcastically, "I am so not getting laid tonight by this man." Yeah. Oh and the photo to the right? He disappointed me as well. I am fighting the feelings of jealousy/hurt/pain and what-not as you watch him cavort via words with a blonde/petite/size 2 married woman who is everything I am not - Married, well-to-do, size2 and never has a problem - Never has any drama Drops out babies and doesn't even look like she sweated for one moment of the birth? But you find her kooky and funny and whatnot and so am wondering why the feelings of jealousy/rage and whatnot occurs? Oh cuz I wanted a visit from this man from Thailand and to share moments with him and whatnot. But I am not "Sparkly" and warm and a size2 or blonde. LOL Or married. No strings here. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh to have him cuddle with me I would have been - so many things. But it was not to be. So I will release all that and think - - He didn't visit any of Canada and it wasn't just me. Let it go - Release the pain of rejection. I've never dealt well with rejection. Especially from those creatures with a penis. LOL As I close a chapter of my life - I look around and giggle - - Single again, solo still. There is one man I can say that I have loved, in love with, but he is not to be. Will 2010 bring me love? I am so not "hoping" or "seeking" or "waiting" for "it" to occur - - What was John Lennon's quote? Life happens while you are getting ready? Or something like that? No kidding. LOL Am I feeling sorry for myself? I am sitting here releasing the negativity and doing that DAMN breathing thing ZEN and not - I am going to walk away from negativity in any form in 2010. I might be doing allot of walking LMAO Come 2010 Char is so far from "perfect" - - But I believe in me - as 2009 ends and 2010 begins - - I no longer "believe" what the negatives of my life have told me Char "is". Released. I have cried today that I do not "have" a family instead am taking joy in the people that DO share in "Char World" and whatnot. I can't wait for Xmas this year as it is the first Xmas that I have "chosen" where I WANT to be - Rather than being told where TO BE. I made one present for my friends, with these hands, mine and I can't wait for them to open it and see "it" It IS in the giving. Char IS strength - - I survived my multi-millionaire Father taking me to court, losing my home, and I DID NOT END UP HOMELESS. I stood up on my own 2 feet and survived. Okay surviving did indeed have a Char-twist - Spent the first month in my new "home" hidden away with a young stud exactly half my age (meowwww) as I "settled" into my new surroundings - - I call that my OOOOOOOOOOOOPS I DID IT AGAIN or my "Britney" Period HAH
My cup is no longer 1/2 empty but 1/2 full with POSSIBILITIES - -
I can continue to type and talk about 2009 - and the Wackiness of my World - Like joining a Fitness Club and having the Trainer pick me to blow in my ear and say Naughty, Naughty Things and I am the one to leave the gym? NICE lol
But hey... RELEASE
BREATHE lol
Char