i hope 1 day you read this - i really do not care when - as i write this i do not know where you are in any way - i just wanted to tell you that i wish that i could have a re-do - of the whole summer and be the girl/woman that u needed at the time... i was just so damaged and hurting (which i was not aware of at the time, really) i could just basically explain that i was like a war victim basically shell-shocked and in pain... internally and was really not ready for a hurting man to enter my life
i hope that you are taking care of you...
i miss your smile - when you smile, darin, you are the most beautiful person that i have ever seen/met... and i see the young man that captured my heart so very fully so many years ago
if you ever need a friend darin, i am always here for you, i am... j.j. is growing and is what i call my mini-shetland pony...
if you have met someone, i hope that you are happy...
if you have flown back to ontario... i am glad... i always thought that tracie was the "one" for you... you so very obviously, i thought, loved tracie...
but who am i to talk... i can't define love even if someone gave me a million to give a definition of love...
i just wanted to write to tell you that if you ever want to go for a walk and laugh at the insane size of j.j. -
also the room/yours is always available... for however long you need it ... free of course ...
oh i am sure that you have lost my number... it is the same believe it or not... 2-54
my news? i am now in hypno-therapy it is helping allot - did you know that the fire actually changed my brain chemistry? which is in its way literally physically changed my "outlook" and brain wave energy of my brain, itself? P.T.S.D. post traumatic stress disorder ... nuts...
i am doing great at school/university (i have zero distractions so of course i am i.e. no social life whatsoever) no ja------- in my world hahahahaha to disrupt
well you are always welcome in my world, darin, check in whenever you want... i am always here for you, IF you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, to say hi or laugh with... the one thing i enjoyed was talking to you... you have a beautiful voice, me thinks... and smile...
i wanted to get closer to you and demanded it to be MY way and only my way sorry about that... hopefully we can be friends again one day...
char and j.j. and p.k.

September 2010

Dear Darin -

I am hoping that you read this letter from me to you -

I am writing to tell you that I am sorry, to the Infinity level of Sorry's. How I treated you. I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance. For us to be friends once again.

I miss your smile – I do. I miss you, I do.

First off, I did not write a letter to your work. I would own up to it if I did. But I never did.

I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance, yes. Can we go for a walk and a talk? Zero expectations beyond the walk and the talk and I will say to you, in person, how Very sorry I am for how I treated you? So very horribly. In so many ways.

I do not want to lose you “in” my life. Just Friends and hang and do things. With zero expectations beyond the hanging out in that very moment.

What have I been doing? Well I have received the moneys from my claim and I thought Hmmmmmm – A new car but instead I invested in therapy sessions for the next 6 months – Unbelievable. Me. So far I have learnt that I am experiencing P.T.S.D. Which stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So of course I was “out there” with you and everyone else that I have known - - and tossed them away. That is “normal” of the Disorder.

I want to sincerely apologize to you for screaming at you the last time you saw me – It is just that your not talking to me/ignoring me set off buttons for me – That, obviously, were not good ones. I would like to be your friend and that we can start from there - -

Zero expectations – Just call me on the phone even and we will talk – I remember before you moved out to B.C. How we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours. I hope that you find it in your heart to give me a 2^nd chance and we can just hang – and perhaps, even get to know the other person – in a good way.

Like I could tell you that tonight there is a BarBq at the University at the Gym and I would love to have you come with me to the BarBq – I am enclosing a pamphlet what is happening at the University this week – and I would be very proud to have my friend, Darin Christopher Jansen as my friend that I take to any of these items that are occurring at the University.

I would like you to feel comfortable, once again, to come around and hang – Come on – there must have been “something” about Char that drew you to B.C. Initially – I have not lost Char – she is just broken into 1000's of pieces right now - - and is slowly re-grouping.

You have seen me at my worst – I would very much like it if you chose to come around, hang out, or call me whenever – and learn about Char once again – As she regroups. Like I have done 6 hours of therapy this week – I nearly threw up literally during the sessions – I had to have a bucket by my feet... Literally.

I am writing to you because I do value you in my world Darin – I am just hurting so very badly from all of the past hurts that you got the vindictiveness/hatefulness etc etc that I could hurl at you with a vengeance and then some – Was there logic? Hardly – Perhaps – If I hurt him - - > he can't hurt me HAH So I hurt you over and over - -

I am hoping that you can hear my apology in this letter and that I am crying as I write this and I hope that the Darin that flew all across Canada to come and see Char “and help her” is still around – Because Char is open to Darin and his words and I won't be negative in any way – that I can promise you – I have been given tools to stop the negative reactions from my past hurts - -

Darin you and I started from the same base/Interlake and high school and hurts and whatnot – That we are so similar in so many ways – That I think that it is not something to toss away – I am wanting you to be my friend – Just that. We can grow together - This time. For example, To show you my art work – Hey want to hear something cool? I went to class the other day – Monday's at 8:30 a.m. Is a class/Art for me and we had to do an in-class assignment and it was a collage and we mass handed them in near the end of the class and the Professor went through them all and guess what? She picked mine as the “Best” example of the ideas she wanted expressed. Out of a pile of 35. I was surprised and “tickled pink”. Was random.

I did not hear your words while you were here – I so did not – I did not realize how very hurt I was because of the Fire. I thought I was fine. I also did not give you your space with regards to your loss of a marriage and did not give it the respect it deserved. For that I apologize. I just was so hurting and hurt that I could not hear your words – at all. Please accept this apology. If I could take all of my outbursts back I would. IF I could. All I can do is promise you in the future I will write to you a letter or communicate to you in a Positive way rather than a vindictive way, as I did in the past.

Please come and talk to me and tell me everything that you want to express my way. How I have hurt you – Obviously I have and you have hurt me – and we will communicate and begin Anew. As friends, I hope. I promise to sit and listen and NOT interrupt and listen. To all that you say and abide by what you would like Us to be.

Darin, you have a place to stay, always, here. I value you. I always saw a Spark in Darin. I believe the Darin that I met when 14 who walked up to me and asked for a kiss and hold the door open for me, always with that saucy grin. That Darin walked off of the Float plane and smiled at me. That sauciness was still there. You were so very proud of yourself. That day and I was so very scared for myself. I never gave you a chance. For that I apologize.

Please do call me or stop by the house or whatnot – Oh there is a baseball game (drop-in) slow pitch on the 19^th Sunday that I have signed up for – They are looking for players – Would you like to be part of it?

We could begin with small steps – talking on the phone or whatever you would like – but I think walking away completely (you from me) would be a loss/great loss for the both of us. I think that we were brought together for reasons beyond our control. I agree with your words that you said that you were here to help me and you saw the windows in my house. And you have the tattoo and the angels are on my wall etc etc

J.J. Misses you, he does. I hope you choose to have me as your friend. I am willing to have you talk to me and express all that you want to say to me. Everything and I will not interrupt. I promise. 2...... Me.

"This just plain stinks... 

and there's no point 

in pretending otherwise - - 

But here's the thing 

I want you to remember... 

You've got someone... 

On your side,

someone who cares

about you allot - - Me. 

I've got my heels dug in,

and I am standing firm, 

right here, ready to do 

whatever it takes 

to see you through 

the rough spots 

and watch you emerge 

stronger than ever - - 

I know that you will 

get through this 

in your own way, 

on your terms,

in your own time. 

But in the meantime - - 

I want you to be sure 

to lean on me - - 

because that is why 

I am here...

What Would You Do? Like Really? 

If you went to a place where your Ex was - 

And he walked right by you, obviously saw you, 

and he tightened his lips, stood there rightINfrontOFyou, 

and stared at you, 

as you gathered your thoughts and blurted, in a confused way, waiting for his usual smile, 

"Hey, how are you?" 

And stood there, you did, as he stomped away, silently? 

Slamming the door to exit the room, open and shut, 

so everyone in the same room, would turn and first glance at the slamming doors and then at you, 

as you stared at the very same doors, confused? 

Trying to stop the tears from cascading down your cheek? 

Wondering, if you are in a Twilght Episode and 

you have not received the up-dated script? 

A walk-on part you were promised, with lines and they were changed, without your knowledge? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

You thought this man was It? 

The One? 

The Flirt? 

Shared your bed, your home, your thoughts, your tears and woke up with him for a lazy Sunday or two?

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

I walked from the room, held my head high, as I exited, stage right... 

Only to crumble off-stage. 

Seeing that he was not doing that well? 

That other truths were no longer truths... 

Like hmmmmmmmm - 

Where he was living? 

Was a lie, compounded upon others? 

From a "friend" saying he did not know where he was or rather 

He had not seen "his" car of late - - 

As I crumbled outside, 

I looked around, 

seeing that it was, unbelievably, a beautiful blue sky and no clouds apparent - 

His car was not there - 

he was using his bike for transportation - 

??? 

Yet he had paid for 6 months insurance instead of paying me his share of his rent - 

Which ended the Us as a Live-in Couple... 

Yet last week - - 

He was at my doorstep - 

Shooting a needle and a crack pipe, neckNneck... 

I am watching him 

Kill himself 

Very slowly 

And I cry for him - 

And believed none of his words last week - 

He is what? 

Believing lies about me? 

He told me last week that he was sucking dick for crack hits 

I just stood there and shook, physically 

Nearly vomited, actually, 

as I thought 

This is the man I thought was wonderful? 

Where has Mr. Wonderful gone? 

Was he ever there? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

Would you seek him out to ask 

How are you? 

REALLY? 

Do you ever get a truth from a crack head? 

Do you? 

I died some more today 

As he walked away, 

not acknowledging me 

And I stood there and wondered 

What surreal movie script I had stepped into? 

Like Really? 

What would You Do?