As I Say Goodbye to 2010 

What a F'g Year it has been for me... 

Everything and I mean everything CHANGED for me in 2010 

I started off 2010 finally feeling "settled" as settled as Char lets herself be... 

Then January brought my house burning to the ground ... 

Of which I am still struggling financially over with... 

Never mind psychologically 

It was determined that the dude downstairs started the fire because the voices inside his head told him to do so 

He could not be charged due to the Mental Health Act 

So you want to get away with a crime? 

Have your medication(s) changed 

Start talking to walks for 3 days previous and commit your crime - 

You will walk - 

Guaranteed 

Sound a little bitter? Me? 

Try losing EVERYTHING 

and I mean everything 

Animals included - to perish in a fire as you watch, helpless.

Try that suit on for a day. 

You will dislike it as much as I a year later. 

People in my life? 

I re-acquainted myself with my beau-hunk of high school - in the summer time - 

It was a roller coaster lifestyle I entered 

Currently (supposedly) I hope so??? 

He is in a Rehabilitation Centre - somewhere in B.C. 

I truly hope that he is seeking the help he so desperately needs 

I held him many a night and cried 

As I remembered the "stars in his eyes" young man that I loved to seek out in high school and elsewhere - 

He was the best athlete at anything he tried - 

My favorite sport to watch him play was baseball as he just looked so "fine" in those baseball pants - so very fine - When he ran out to the field - I cheered and giggled many a summer day away 

He would ask me for kisses in the morning before school and I would giggle and run away, saying today is so not the day. 

He left our small town and I always wondered. 

Not imagining that his life turned out his way or mine either. 

Would our life had been different if I had stood up that day and stopped him from leaving the school? 

I will never know. 

But I believe in him still - I hope that we converse one day, once again - Once this current mess is cleared. 

Oh his swan song was dreadful - 

Breaking into my place and saying terrible things and so f'g high - 

My best friend told me he was finally comfortable enough with me to show me the Junkee - the Crack-head. 

I never want to see that part of him ever again. 

I learned allot of myself from this man. 

I do not regret letting him into my life. 

I learned allot about myself from him. 

In a very fast paced way. 

Roller-coaster was the journey with him. 

I learned that I could open my heart, once again, to a man. 

That I could talk far into the night and converse. 

Giggle and enjoy Sunday mornings with someone. 

2010 for me will be remembered as the Year of Losses. 

Felicity and Kelly-Anne I wish would journey over to my home - 

They are always welcome - yet are always "busy". 

I got tired of requesting. 

My best friend passed away recently. 

I don't know how I will carry that one into 2011. 

She was just so special to 

Me. 

Rachel, another friend, I always feel I have not lived up to her "expectations" of me. 

So I have withdrawn. 

I always feel that there is a ruler of expectations she holds up to me - 

Somewhat like the same feeling I get when I am near my biological Father. 

That I am the "Fat, lazy whore" that my Father openly describes me as. 

I look in the mirror as I enter 2011 and I wonder where all the years have gone? 

What will 2011 bring for me? 

I hope that I enter 2012 in love, with someone - 

Will it be the detoxifying one? 

Not if he is still the lying, stealing one that he presented last. 

But I know that when he "let" himself sit down and talk to me... 

Perhaps I "saw" the young man beneath the hurts? 

I know I let only him see the Char beneath her hurts. 

I told him that I no longer knew how to be with another human being. 

Too many ouchee's life had dealt me. 

I am better at running away and what? 

Oh he said to me that I had vindictiveness down pat. 

Whatever. 

The most hated word of 2010. 

I end this year - 

Crying over all the hurts of this year. 

Wishing my best friend was still here. 

Wondering if my beau-hunk is well, or rather truly seeking the help he so rightly deserves. 

When I look at him I still see Golden. 

"Stay Gold." i.e. The Outsiders 

I still see the twinkle in his eye every now and then - I hope he finds his way. 

No longer losing himself in drugs, thieving and lies... 

I am his friend thru and thru as he had my heart for like forever. 

I am going to spend the last day of 2010 - sipping too many cappucinos, cleaning my home, detouring to a Tibetan chapel/monastery and ring in the new year in a very zen-like way... 

Silence will be mine. 

Right now? 

I have to clean, cry and walk my pooch and more cappucino - 

I hope all my friends - 

Past and present - 

Forgive me for my "Lost" 2010 

as I truly lost Char and my mind 

When I lost everything in the fire. 

I am somewhat back now. 

Contact me 

and let's repair what was lost - 

When I lost my mind 

and everything else. 

Positives? 

I am now talking to my mother after 14 years of not doing so. 

I am attending University - 

after every male in my life 

Biological Father and man I lived with for like forever (perhaps Jim?) told me I was too f'g stupid - other than to take basket weaving or to lie on my back studies - 

And I have not cracked the A mark but B+'s 

As I type this my stereo is blasting my favorite Home-town band B.T.O. "Taking Care of Business" 

Apt for my Motto of 2010 

On that note I will make myself another cappucino and wish myself and my pets a wonderful 2011 

and my friends, past and future, 

and the beau-hunk. 

He was the most of a person I ever met as well. 

I gave him all of me. 

I wonder if I changed him as much as he changed me. 

-charann

Dearest Darin - 

I spent my day today thinking about you - 

I don't know why I just did - 

I finally cried over what you did to me - 

Stole from me - 

Lied to me 

Created a Darin that you knew I would like 

Darin 

When I look at you I see (saw?) only a good person - - 

That could COULD!!! Do so many things - 

Until the night you "let" me see the Crackhead 

who had to steal from me, a person that held you tight and believed you when you told me that you were going to seek treatment - 

Send me a message through Cheryl if you ever want to say anything to me 

You know that her and I talk often

I want to hear how you are doing 

I wish that you would seek treatment for your addiction(s) - 

I really do not know all the items that you are addicted to 

Why your anger is always so close by 

I believe/think that you are a latent homosexual 

That that is why you have your anger - 

Not being able to express your gay side in any way... 

I think that you have shut down, so far down, deep down inside that you can no longer feel

If you ever did ??? 

I wish I would have escaped with you when we were teens and we faced the world together then... 

I wish we could have spent a happy complete day together of honesty 

Seek help Darin for your addiction(s) 

and after you do - 

We can begin as friends 

Only when you are honest with me and our hellish night and other days 

One day I am sure we are going to talk again 

I am sure you are happy on your Xmas day...

Have you seen this man?

Police are looking for a city man who left home over the weekend and has not been seen since.

Darin Jansen, 43, left his Cannon Street East home around noon Saturday after telling his wife he was going to pay a hydro bill. He was last seen riding a maroon and gold mountain bike.

Police say Jansen's disappearance is out of character, and that he left without needed medications.

He is white, 5-foot-11, 205 pounds, with brown hair and brown eyes. He was wearing denim shorts, a "Looney Tunes" baseball shirt, a "Canada" baseball cap and running shoes. 

He's run once - Why wouldn't he run once again from my charges? 

GO FIGURE...

My Best Friend Died 

And I am reeling - 

She was the soft of word, whereas I was brash, - 

I had still so much to learn from her. 

She would listen to my Vents - 

As she had been through the very same - 

Before me. 

Like for example - 

She went through a crackhead male living within her home - 

Then exactly one year later I unwittingly let a crackhead male into my home/life/world - 

Giving him my heart 

and sharing everything with him 

He stole from her 

And she tried to tell me 

And I defended

him 

To my eternal regret. 

We were the best of friends, 

sharing words, giggles and laughter at all hours of the day and night - 

It was a given that each of us could call the other 

Just to say 

hello. 

It was much too soon to say goodbye. 

She layed her head down upon her computer desk, her facebook page the last thing she were to see and her beloved cat on her lap. 

What I learned from Helen - 

Reach out and be a friend, 

choose "better" friends 

A softer word is always better 

and laughter, daring to share 

words and truth. 

-charleneann

Dearest Darin 

I am still in shock with what you have done

To me 

I am trying to... 

As the saying goes, 'wrap my head around it,'

When you arrived here, like 6 months ago, 

I thought that a new, much happier chapter was to begin 

It was just another chapter of chaos,

which I really did not desire/want or need. 

I hope that you receive the help that you so desperately require

Your sister loves you, she tells me that often, 

She is picking up the pieces that you have cast away -

I understand that she is taking in your daughter, and grand-babies... 

Where you walked away.

This is none of my concern, really -

As I too, am walking away, 

from you. 

But not without tears,

rather allot of - 

Tears. 

I looked at you and saw the boy I fell for when I was 14 and wanting to believe in someone

That someone was you. 

How your life progressed -

Always with the help (and I say that sarcastically) of drugs - 

The drug of the moment -

You entered my world and I talked to you and talked and talked 

You took me and chose to destroy

me. 

Well I am reeling, I am, and weak, but I am not

Destroyed. 

Tears are flowing

and 

flowing. 

In time, I will heal. 

I hope you find your power. 

I can't see you but destroying yourself 

with your crack and crack-whores and whatnot. 

I wanted to build a life with

You. 

You wanted to 

destroy

Me. 

I listened to your words and believed, 

finding out in time that you gave different words to each person you talked to... 

The life/actions of a true addict. 

I have to walk away from you. 

To find life once again

for 

Me. 

Could we ever be friends again? 

Only if you received the help you so desperately need. 

Own up to your actions and lying words -

all of them. 

Return my cash, apologize to me and grab/reach for Rehabilitation. 

I see your potential. 

I do. 

-charann 

Dearest Darin 

You did damage to me & my former home the other night 

You stole from me cash... 

The money I was to use for my move... 

I have learnt from others that you have made it your mission to
"destroy me" 

This is from a person that comes over to my house and promises me the world... 

Touches me, caresses me and coos into my ear, promises far into the night... 

Then the very next night utter chaos

Theft, physical assault, verbal assault, and it goes on and on... 

OMG????? 

Now you and I have a court date... 

I believe(d) in you for like a forever-ness

Now I just can't stop alternating between feeling completely numb/crying and abused, 

to screaming out WHY??? 

Or rather WTF? 

You have been labeled by the courts as Psychotic - I believe it now. 

I look at you when I see you passing down the street and just feel pain, deep down inside where I don't or rather have not let others be... 

I hope you get the help you require

You've lost me 

My tenderness, my believing in you and my warmth and hugs, always. 

Just numb I am as I write this. 

Did you destroy me?

It was a f'g good try. 

Down but not out. 

Hurt but not dead. 

Why did you stop? 

Beating me that night? 

You let me live? 

Like really? 

Ouchies. 

-charann