Dearest Jimmy

Once upon a time you were "My Jimmy" 

I awoke today thinking/dreaming of you - 

I know why as there are a multitude of reasons - 

I am reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume and for me, 

my S.S. is K.K. and my summers would be when she first discovered you 

and the following summer you 'discovered' me... 

You were my first for everything... 

My first deep kiss, my first laughter, the first time I believed someone MALE that told me I was pretty 

The first time I dared to be naked with someone and watched his eyes alight... 

and your slow smile as you moved closer to kiss me 

I knew from the first kiss of ours, shared, that I loved you and only you

Forever. 

There was no question in my heart. 

Then life interrupted and my family interrupted 

turning my love for you into 

shame. 

I broke away from you as I saw you as perfect and so did not want you to "know" my fucked up family

Really 

That is the reason why I let you go 

And the feeling that you were always looking over my shoulder 

figuratively 

for someone 

smarter 

always smarter 

because I believed you when you called me 

Pretty 

I cried for ten years when you left and returned to Manitoba 

I always thought, as the reason, why I never married as I thought you were going to pull your 

"Jimmy" 

once again and return to me 

With your crazy line of
"I drove here to you, in a car, with no reverse, because I was not going back."

Yet you did. 

Because I so did not want to grow 

old 

with you 

and become even more imperfect 

in your eyes. 

I wanted you to remember me as a memory. 

Isn't that fucked up? 

I gave you up afraid of your leaving in the future years of OLD. 

How fucked up is that? 

Instead of telling you how much I loved you, with all of my heart, and I would GLADLY go with you to Manitoba

I let you go 

Today is Thanksgiving weekend - 

I have smoked too much weed 

Drank too much red wine 

Giggled far into the night 

and read the book 

Summer Sisters 

and thought of you, K.K. and our carefree summers. 

You were/are the only man I ever loved. 

And for that I give thanks 

This T'giving Time. 

I am scared and crying this weekend, too, 

as I am going into the hospital 

Cysts on my uterus and I guess, I think of you, 

as you were the only man I ever thought of as making a duplicate of 

I wanted to give you a son

With your beautiful eyes, 

I can always remember, will always remember your eyes, and your beautiful hands 

I always reached for your hands 

Especially your hand with the thumb you withered away 

Do you still do that? 

Or is that a long forgotten habit? 

That thumb-nail you worked into a whole new shape? 

I may be saying goodbye to my female parts and the choice of creating another 

with another 

and that scares me 

I wanted to give you a son 

and have you smile at me 

with love. 

I hope that is a moment you were given. 

Oh I am too stoned to be typing really. 

I should be creating art instead... 

Painting... 

Large and abstract and suns 

I always had the wish that you would choose me again. 

I would tell you not to leave this time. 

I would. 

Just give me that sideways glance that was only yours. 

Or I remember how it felt when you brushed my hair. 

It has to be colored regularly now 

lol 

I have a skunk streak of white down the middle 

OUCH 

Would you like/love/desire 

the old

me?

Or was I right in my assumptions then? 

That the 

old 

me 

would 

disappoint you? 

You would never 

ever 

ever 

ever 

ever 

disappoint me

Okay off to walk the ocean and its breezes... 

I no longer talk to my Father... 

AT ALL 

Zero 

In therapy over that as well. 

I should have chosen you. 

I am so sorry for that. 

Our life would never have been boring. 

But you would have known 

I loved every inch of you 

in many ways... 

**giggle** 

Just like the first time... 

If you dared to visit me today? 

I live in a little rancher 

I decorate my yard with plants, art pieces and angels... 

The rabbit hutch is out back... 

My lil' green house... 

I am scared Jimmy 

Tell me I will be okay 

That it is not cancerous lumps of hell 

Enrique Iglesias sings in the background as I type this... 

Let me use his words... 

as I sign off... 

They say that love is just a game... 

Sometimes you win 

Sometimes you lose 

I am just a fool

I keep holding onto you

You know that I would die for you 

I won't try to stop 

Don't you forget about me 

The foolish things we did in our day 

So you try to fix a smile 

You knew that you broke my heart 

But baby it's too late 

Because baby I am already dying 

Don't you forget about me now 

Someday you won't be able to ask me 

Why did I let you go? 

I let you go because of my family 

I thought you could not handle the strife that they are 

Both sides 

I let you go instead 

Not thinking that you could handle any of it 

And I was better alone. 

I regretted it ever since. 

Every moment. 

You remember it that we were already done 

and you chose the black woman instead 

I remember it was many returns and discussions 

ours 

and I was the one to send you away. 

You asked me to return with you to Manitoba and to be your wife. 

I just could not see you 

handling 

Sam Hofer 

and the Monster he was in my mind 

Therapy 

Therapy 

Therapy 

Mine. 

Hope you have had a happy life. 

Ours would have been nothing like what you chose. 

Nothing. 

Just imagine that. 

Other than you knew you had my whole heart, love and you were my world. 

Okay off to the ocean 

and to find rocks shaped as hearts. 

-charann 

you are welcome to visit call or whatever write ... 

or not 

lol 

just scared 

me