I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE TY PENNINGTON

Videos of Merit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvzAQNAOQPs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDO5-tthch8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XddXileQ-uI&feature=related



HAHAHAHA I am soooooooooooooooooooooo hyper just like Ty - Him and I as hosts? Would be soooooo bad LOL But I would love a day with him as CO HOST would SOOOOO love that "Dear Oprah, My greatest wish is to co-host with Ty Pennington for a Day - ZERO script LOL"

p.s. IF Ty and I had a boy child he would be SUPERMAN because of his HYPERACTIVITY he would be able to leap over tall buildings in a single jump LOL

Okay Ty you ever make it to VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA helllllooooo TYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

My Dream of Last Night
Warning: Makes Zero Sense

Okay I was on a lift - Like the kind on a firetruck, at the end of the ladder? That lift? But it was lowered and there were a crowd of people around - At an outdoor concert, as I focused "in" on the dream.

I was on the lift, and the concert was rockin' - I glanced at the stage and it was Bryan Adams - Singin' "Take Me Back"

I had looooong, curly wavy hair, brunette, and yep, hoop earrings on and was wearing a toga/white, with a gold sash. Why? WHO KNOWS LOL

Bryan was just'a rockin' and I was lettin' people onto the lift, when I went to sit down (for some reason there was a "bench" on this lift (guess it was a BIGGER lift HAH) I went to sit down and all of a sudden there was a lap, I was sittin' on!!!

And as I sat down, a hand brushed my hair away, and kissed me just below my ear. (Okay yes, my ALL-TIME favourite touch, to begin EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!!!!) I glanced over my right shoulder and it was...

JASON ANDERSON - OMG?

Who is Jason Anderson to me?

I have not seen this lad since I was 16 and Randy - Like XX years ago???

Here is my outstanding MEMORY of Jason Anderson.

I was the typical 17 year old of the '80's. I dressed like Cyndi Lauper but with Cyndi Crawford hair (At least I thought so **GRIN**)

Well Jason Anderson was my Brother's pal - My brother being 4 years younger was DEFINITELY not in my Social Hemisphere LOL

But - Jason had started school late, and was held back one year so he was 2 years older than my Bro BUT in the same grade. Figure that one out HAHAHAH

Background on Jason Anderson - Young CLONE of Brad Pitt/Matt Damon put them together you get Jason. But he was **FIFTEEN** Shit, not even driving yet LOL Like I said NOT in MY social Hemisphere **GRIN**

This one day, I am sure it was a Saturday... For some UNKNOWN reason...

I was in glory as I had a date with Jim that night (Man I ended up living with as an adult, but NEVER marrying Figure that one out LOL) and so I was rushing around the house Having to "look" perfect for My Jimmy.

Which made ZERO sense as a date was usually either a country dance or a movie and always ending up driving somewhere and making out LOL So "looks" did not REALLY count? Sheeeeesh could have been wearing a potato sack HAH

Back to Jason and my memory of him - -

I was rushing around, and Jason was on the couch, captivated??? At least watching the crazy sister of his pal HAHAHAHA Getting ready for a date.

I was, even then, doing everything at WARPED speed.

So I asked Jason if he would like to be my Attire Critique, for my date that night. He said SURE!!! I tried on like 5 outfits and he okayed the one.

Then came the makeup - Even then I had a Makeup Suitcase LOL So I hauled that out and asked if he would like to help me with my Makeup too.

I really did not understand male hormones at 15 - I had always dated men older; meaning already out of High School NEVER in high school. BLAH. So Jason was like, to me, at least, another bothersome BROTHER!!!!

So I sat down beside him, made myself very comfortable, by putting his legs on either side of me, him facing me and me facing forward. Placing the Makeup Suitcase on my lap, with my legs over his right one.

Then I began the makeup ritual, with his feedback on every placement/colour of the makeup.

By the time I got to my lipstick/lipgloss placement, we were both literally panting. I was teasing him, Strawberry? Or Raspberry? Or Cherry? Hmmmmmm?

I REALLY did not take what I was doing seriously - He was like a puppy to me. Fun to play with, but take for a walk? OUTSIDE? OMG no. LOL I loved the Big Dogs.

I remember him asking me to Kiss him. He was so innocent that he told me He had never french kissed before and he would like me to teach him.

Now looking back Hmmmmmm... Very good line there Jason LOL

I never kissed him, I remember leaning ahead and watching his eyes change a deeper colour and then the doorbell rang and...

I heard my brother Chris, greeting Jim and me bounding off of Jason and wiggling in delight at seeing him.

Yah Jim got very lucky that night LOL

Jason? Last I heard married the first girl that he kissed. French kissed??? And has 3 kids. Which I am sure are shockingly good looking. All girls, if I remember correctly.

Well IF I met Jason again AND IF he were single. I would sure plant one on him NOW lol

Like as IF

But Jason Anderson, formerly of the high school WCI, IF you are single, and if you would like to share a kiss - HELLLLLLOOOOO

Only 20 years OVERDUE hahahahaha

http://www.everydayhero.com.au/event/EarthHour
Hey, I just signed up to the new Earth Hour website for 2008 and I thought you might like to take a look and possibly sign up too. Earth Hour is on 29 March 2008 at 8pm, and it looks like it's going to be really big. So far, as well as Sydney, there'll also be Adelaide, Atlanta, Bangkok, Brisbane, Canberra, Chicago, Christchurch, Copenhagen, Dublin, Manila, Melbourne, Montreal, Odense, Ottawa, Perth, Phoenix, San Francisco, Suva, Tel Aviv, Toronto and Vancouver all turning off their lights for an hour in the name of fighting global warming. And I'm sure there'll be more cities by March. Sign up for Earth Hour with me by visiting http://www.earthhou r.org/user/ iF2C and join the movement.

Hello -

I wanted to take this time to share - What I have been doing in my "Little" Garden - I live in a Trailer (No trailer/trash jokes GRRRRRRRRRRRR) I have a full yard and a small bit of grass in the front of my trailer.

So what I did last weekend was to rip out my front grass - It was yellowed with age and neglect, so no real great loss. I bought organic outdoor plant soil to aid in my "new" garden - I have planted what I call my Rainbow Gladiolas (many bulbs of colours) and then I alternated with pansies/varying shades of Blues and Purples.

White pansy at the base of a tree and I ripped out in the flowerbed, again in the front of my trailer, the over-flowing ivy. Bye Bye Ivy :) That took all of Saturday and again, shades of Blues or Purples of Pansies. And heather at one end.

I bought a large very cute sign/plaque with a, you guessed it, a PURPLE gecko on it with the words; Any day in the Garden is a Good day. That is hanging in the middle of the flower bed.

Friend donated solar lamps to my endeavors and another friend made the rock Olympic mascot - Know the one I mean? for my garden, mini size of course LOL

And I found another flowerbed box, wooden at a garage sale (LOOOOOVE garage sales for Garden "stuff") and painted it florescent pink and mauve and put a swinging WELCOME sign into it and yes, more purple/blue pansies.

On my very small footpath, I put BRIGHT yellow tiles and a wooden angel, variety of colours.

I can't wait until my gladiolas burst forth. But I was sooooooooooooo happy removing the yellowed SAD grass.

Yes that was my weekend of gardening!!!

Charlene
Waving Hello to other Canadian Gardeners, from Vancouver Island!!!

regSource=8258& contest=BRtestSw eeps
http://www.myspace.com/teddygeiger

Okay THAT is THE best web page/Blog on the Web - I was lucky enough to see this young STRESS ON THE YOUNG lol Lad performing in Vancouver I would go again and again

Right now he has a contest to PHONE him and YEP I have LOLOLOL For a Valentine's Contest I am NOT saying what I asked for ROFLLLLLL and NO not THAT per se ROFL

Wowzers is this YOUNG man in person Too talented by far and cuuuuuute OUCH lol

The daily Workout Begins ARGHHHHHHHHH 189.2 and it goes from there...

Bloated and Bitchy is how I start off the Month of February of 2008 - GREAT LOL And wanting sex LOL Double Great hahahaha

Taking PainKillers for the pains of not having a baby once again this month. BLAH.

Wish me Luck to lose the weight... Daily postings to let you know how I am doing!!! Now I am just going to sign off and go and cry I looooove PMS'ing

NOT.

Hey, Contest Blogger is giving away a romantic $100 gift certificate for Valentine’s Day. All you have to do is link back to their homepage free samples WWW.CONTESTBLOGGER.COM and to Good Clean Love WWW.GOODCLEANLOVE.COM increase libido.

Okay being SINGLE and Valentine's soonest... Would **LOVE** to win a Valentine's Contest and Feel Pampered EVEN IF I am single LOL

www.funkroberts.com
2 Thumbs Down for this website as I was "picked" as a November winner of 50$ Thru a variety of emails and questions, on my part, is that Where is my winnings? He repeatedly assured me that "The cheque was in the Mail A LONG TIME AGO."

Well it is now February, basically, and I have not received that cheque. Lost in the mail? Perhaps. But I also have Paypal, and offered Paypal to receive the winnings. But that was not accepted by him, and he reassured me that a "new" cheque would be issued and once, again, "in the mail."

So I, being an avid contestor, and enjoy WINNING AND RECEIVING, my winnings. Tell other contestors to pass this site, to enter his contest, as I will say that you DO NOT receive your cash/cheque

BOO to Funk Roberts and his "contest"

2 THUMBS DOWN.

Mo:

Yah Yah you guessed rightly who(m) it was/is whatever... I just wanted to say that I would like a straightup chance with you To hang out, whatever... You met me at a very UNHAPPY time at my life - I would like to get to know you Mo and you to get to know me Basically HangOut and go from there I think you would like the Char HAPPY that you would meet 250-7 2 Road N I bought my place, it's a fixer upper and I would like to fill it with friends And you I would be very proud of to have as my VERY GOOD friend Bandit and MeowMeow my Ragdoll kitty would be very happy to welcome you into our home WHENEVER Still painting Call or visit sometime Take care of you, Charlene The cut and dry of it I think we both have allot in common - Love to cycle, ride fast bikes/me skidoos LOL I love art, would love to share that with you... Tons of things more... I could share with you over time AND the basis being? I genuinely LIKE Mo always have... There it is in a nutshell..

RE - www.therollingexhibition.com

I saw your story on 20/20 and my first reaction was basically what you captured in your photography - yes a stare.

Then it put my life into a Dimmer switch. My second reaction was I would never have been the person you are with the life's body form that you have been given. Travel the world? Take photos? Ski? Hardly I would have been in a room, alone and very dark.

Then an hour after I watched the show and then read your web page - I could not stop crying - I am overweight and now the weight loss is achievable. You can proudly travel the world AND document it AND be on tv? And smile through it all? I CAN LOSE WEIGHT.

Thank you. If you are ever in British Columbia Canada, travelling or what not/book signings etc etc I would love to know that you are and I would love to be able to say hello, shake your hand and say Thank you. You inspired me and I have bookmarked your webpage and will check in - BIG TIME.

Thank you, you inspired another human being.

Ms. Charlene

Dear Aunty -

Thank you very much for your letter. It was a pleasant surprise to the start of the New Year of 2008.

Matthew will be Mr. clan “teacher soon – Yikes LOL Wow – Wish I could sit in the back of the room and raz him unmercifully on his first day, if not first week. **BIG GRIN**

And Cameron – What can I say there? I really think the boy is Adopted HAH Found in a cornfield somewhere, right? A 2nd what? Dr. clan in the bunch. Wow, and I think you said he was in Emergency this past summer? Well all I can say there is Winnipeg has it's own Dr. McDreamy in the making... Still waiting for my Red Car – a Mrs. Cameron clan would have been a welcome addition to the family LAST summer HAH


My news? I am just writing to say that I will no longer be accepting letters from anything clan – For how long? As long as it is best for me and my personal wellbeing and health, which is looking like forever, basis being my Counsellor and myself. Or visits, or phone communications or whatnot. Although, & I am sad to say, I could count on ONE hand the communications MY way, to MY PERSONAL number in 20 years. I will take credit, only so much. And then walk. Remove my expectations of anyone clan. And I won't extend myself either.

I will miss you forever and what I will forever call “The Boys – But it is best for me and my personal well being. To walk away COMPLETELY.

Dan has distanced himself from me, and I am owning up to it being allot of my fault. Waited too long for counselling and the damage was done – There are a million of a reasons why Dan and I experienced our final break – I have not talked or seen my biological male parent since February 2007, after horrible words burst forth from his lips.

Which made me seek INTENSE counselling for the last year. Which has taught me that distance is best for me, too. I am changing my name, right now trying to figure out how it can be financed by the Government and Mental Health Services. My counsellor is working on that with me.

In all honesty, I just wanted one clan to stop ONCE in Vancouver to visit me when ONE clan flew out to Dan's home. As the Lower Mainland was enroute to Vancouver Island. But no Not once. I have forgiven all of you. Why visit a Niece? Cousin? Etc Etc when you could have a Much Better time in many ways at Dan's place. Financially especially. The meals would not be as expensive nor would the accomendations be as fantastic either. Yeah Don't visit the Poor Relation, when you can IMMEDIATELY visit riches LOL.

I reached out to every clan so many times. Calling, inviting and always I had to visit AT DAN'S place. It never made sense to me logically. But through the intense counselling I have experienced in the last year, I have forgiven the Lot of you for NEVER visiting me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Like this time, Big Time.

Your very last line of your letter made me feel that I could be honest with you. I have along time ago said goodbye to Uncle John. Through counselling. Lots of hours. It has made me re-evaluate everything, question all that has gone before re clan. And see what it is EXACTLY that MOI needs.

I require people in my life that I communicate with and visit, and they visit me and share things, JOYFULLY and what not. More than once/year and at a designated place, by others, I always was proud of my homes, and I am very proud of my home NOW and that is why I am going to protect it by inviting people that are of equal EMOTIONAL stance as me, for them.

This is basically a letter stating that I loved you and The Boys as the best of the clan But please understand, I have to choose to do what's good for me, Aunty. I hope you will find it in your heart to grant me this decision.

No this is not a Cry for Help. Quite the opposite I am at a Strength that I have not felt since I was 20 and I (stress on the I) decided that I WANTED to move to B.C. And start another adventure/chapter in my life.


Dan has his “Perfect” family now – I just detract from it. I will bet you if you asked him Name 5 things about Moi – He probably could not. Other than the superficial things. Obvious first glance things. Deeper things? Nope. I will take only so much credit for besmirching the “relationship – I never really forgave him for leaving me to such a cruel, barbaric home. Daddy's are supposed to take care of their little girl's, aren't they? That is a wound I will carry. Could he overcome such a hurdle? I can't see it. Nor can I forgive him for his words said the last time we were together. Nope, can't see it.

I've reached out to Dan recently after not talking for what? Almost a year, and his response? I don't know when I will have time for you Char. Then went onto state that step-sister Chelsea blah... blah... blah.., but he could NOT visit his blood daughter whom he drives by to go to work. I am walking. You somewhat have the story, incomplete, be it that it is.

I love every family member of this clan there is. But I just never “got” y'all. And yep, never felt “included” so I no longer have the desire to want to, or rather have the need to.

Yes, no longer the expectation of “One Day a relative will drive up to my Home ON THEIR OWN and be ecstatic to see Me. Without the Dan background. I so FREAKING more than Dan's DAUGHTER sheesh I never felt acknowledged as my own Separate person, around any of you. I was just ONE DIMENSIONAL – MUST be experienced ONLY at Dan's.

Best of luck to you and I know The Boys will rock the world. Why not? Look who their parents are. Hahahahahaha

Respect my wishes and do not forward this to Dan. It all has been discussed with him, name change and distancing and my health etc etc Mutual agreement, all.

Ms. C

Well today was a very relaxing day... Shopping day...

Addicted to shopping... BIG TIME... It is my aphrodisiac LOL Of life itself... Went to a bookstore and bought a book of spells... Will read that at a later date... BIG TIME...

Then wandered over to a local thrift store... With my pal Larry, older gent and hilarious...

What I bought at the Thrift store was a really kewl pottery - What made it kewl was the fact that it ws painted like 2 fishes, facing opposite. Like my Sign of Pisces. Totally Me.

Also I bought a hanging hook and it is a LARGE flower - Which is what I made my dining area to be the theme of Plants and Flowers - I am going to use the hook to hang Bandit's leash Right by the door, so it's perfect...

Love thrift stores...

Oh and a cover for my IPOD Nano so it won't get scratched... Sparkly PINK... Totally kewl, if not outright pretty hahahaha

Also groceries - I have decided to go Vegetarianism - To lose my weight. So far 2 days in a row - Wish me luck.

Totally a Me Day Needed.

Okay, okay one of my New Year's Resolutions was to write in my blog DAILY - Oooooops I missed ONE day WON'T occur again.

Today is a day that I will head "Men Cannot Be Understood EVER" Let me give the example why;

I have known this male person off and on in my life and then not for like ever. In the interim that I did not know him he was an extreme drug addict - But then again, any drug abuse IS extreme - So bad for him, that I believe he was homeless, a street person and yes, was dragged into court. Where he stated publicly when the judge reprimanded him, that of late he was keeping his "nose clean" Bitter, sad sarcasm for his extreme cocaine use. The judge, needless to say, was NOT amused.

So with that known as his life's background, I wrote to him, via an email, asking him if he was okay, as I had not heard from him for about 2 weeks?

His reply? I don't know why you are freaking out I went to Kelowna for Xmas. WHATEVER on that note.

Men? As that author so CORRECTLY stated... ARE from MARS. Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr out.

Am I concerned about this male ANYMORE? HARDLY.

Blah.

http://www.thisismychevrolet.ca/Default.aspx?VehicleCardId=4580

Okay the THRID day of painting and I am at a CONFUSION point...

I have hired this carpenter thru an ad that he had online/locally and today... He told me last night that he would be here at Noon to do the work that I requested for him to do toay (strip the paint from front door) and strip the paint from the window for the wall in plant room and repaint sea green...

It is now 220 p.m. and I have not heard a PEEP from him, nor is he answering his phone/cell... I have never hired a "carpenter" before so do not know how to proceed from this point?

Just sitting here confused So I am guessing that all that will be done will be the PAINTING that I am doing myself?

The wierd thing is the carpenter gave me a ride last night for groceries... And to make room in his little truck he left his tools here (bandsaw and stuff) in my storage room/mud room and there they sit???

WTF?

What's that saying? If you want to do it well? Best? Do it yourself? BLAH

Well back to PAINTING I go... WHICH I AM DOING MYSELF and well I might add...

Oh CONHFUSION REIGNS

blah

So far I have painted the PRIMER Yayyyyyy But as I do so I am feeling GREAT!!! Goodbye UGLY FLOWERED WALLPAPER!!!

Things that I have learned so far painting the PRIMER within my bathroom -

Perhaps I should have taped everything off LOL - PERHAPS it is easier than wiping off paint flyoffs everywhere - - > Like onto the wall mirrors ((Which MIGHT be disappearing in this overhaul like WHO wants to look at themselves IN THE TUB? OMG lol) Ummmmm - Not me.

Easier to paint everything WHITE rather than paint around it Example; Shelving over the tub LOL No longer FAUX wood now WHITE primer/stain HAHAHAHA

Does one realize how frigging hard it is to paint AROUND a toilette? ARGHHHHH

Keeping a dog out of a room you are painting is easier than keeping a cat out of the room.

The clothes that you begin painting in, by your best efforts will become covered Hence COVERALLS are a necessary item in a painter's world.

Hair MUST be a ponytail or else instead of frosted hair PAINTED hair and BADLY.

Perhaps the tub should be painted too? LOL

How heavy should the PRIMER be on the walls? I still have not figured that one out.

I am painting instead of sleeping - go figure.

Coffee and painting should be required daily highs HAHAHAHA

I want a certain fellow to help me paint and he's saying NO so far - Like why? LOLOLOL Aren't women bewitching in painter coveralls? Like come onnnnnn hahahaha

Should I or should I not smoke weed while I paint? That is the question of the day.

Should I dare to do laundry in the bathroom/laundry room that I am currently painting? That is the question.

Wow it's going to be SHOCKING white in here LOL I can tell that already from the Primer/Stain. Yayyyyy CHANGE IS MARVELOUS.

Tunes are a MUST while painting.

IPODS are GREAT for painting - Hey Apple want a painter girl to be in your next commercial? I am sooooo there!!!

Textured look for the bathroom? Nooooo, JUST the bedroom.

Well - that's it for now -

Painter Char, OUT.
Day2

I have decided to renovate my place. I will be taking photos as it progresses. What I am doing right now is CLEANING/WASHING the walls with that TSP stuff? Is that what it is called. Have painter coveralls on YAYYYYY LOL

Then going to paint everything/where it is UGLLLLLLLLY wallpaper SHOCKING white colour. Which I am REALLY excited about. I can't wait. I am wanting to BRIGHTEN up the interior. So that is the goal. Photos to follow.

Mannnnnn I can't see how PAINTERS do this day in day out HAHAHAHAHA HARD LABOUR... Big time. I have not done HARD LABOUR since my 20's But I think that this will be good for me. BIG TIME.

More tomorrow.

I have also hired MO to work with me this weekend. It will be INTERESTING if he shows up LOL

That part of it will be INTERESTING. I will keep the journal posted :)

Later, alligator.

Charlene

Oh let me list what renovations I "WANT" to do for my trailer -

Paint it from the UGLY brown on brown that it is to SeaGreen on SeaGreen
Cover the deck to be a sun room/plant/herb room with tons of light (one wall is going to be the bevelled light.

Painting the mud room (which is where MO comes in) He is going to do the ceiling I get to wash that room today and put things away, today. Yayyyyy its flipping cold out there LOL

Rip out the carpeting in the spring, YAYYYYY put a new floor down. Hard wood floor look -

Basically it is to BRIGHTEN up this hellhole BIG TIME.

I will post more as I think what it is else that I want to do.

As I end this year, of which has been a Let's Really Do Nothing Year and Escape in the Black Hole of Me and Be NoOne and Do Nothing...

I have been in a dark, dark hole this year and it just "hit" me today... In all ways when I was watching Oprah... A show which I really don't "relate" to - she's black, she a ka-zillionaire... Etc. Etc.

But today, the question was put forth, "If I had One Day Left, who would you call?"

I would not call anyone I am a writer, typist and I would write "those" letters that I have wanted to write to people...

Let's See -

Dear Uncle John -

Hi, I have 24 hours left and so I thought that I would write you this letter. Were you ever aware of me? Did you ever love ME? Let me quote one Xmas which I shrugged off at the time - I was at Dad's home and I was wandering around the malls of Nanaimo with you and Aunty Nancy and you looked at me like you had never seen me before and actually said, (and I quote) "OhMyGod, I never knew that YOU were going to be here, at your Dad's, OhMyGod, we never got you a gift." You stared at Aunty Nancy as if she could provide an awe-inspiring answer. I just shrugged it off and said, "Oh that's fine Uncle John, I am just happy to see you and Aunty Nancy."

And I went off in my life feeling invisible, strengthened by your words and actions and gained more weight. To hopefully be what? Noticed by the clan? Nope.

I cannot name ONCE that a clan member called me, wished me Happy Birthday. What a cold fucking family.

But I digress from the REAL letter that I would spend the remaining 23 hours writing.

Dear Daddy,

Will you miss me? Or will you just be pissed off by the inconvenience of having to pay for something of Charlene's once again? i.e. My funeral. I am sure that it will be but a pauper's funeral. Pfffffffffffft. I was NEVER your first choice for finer items in life. Now that she's dead, she doesn't know.

Everyone thought that I thought that you "walked on water" that you were my "Golden" Prince of a Father.

I thought that when I was 10. But let me count the ways that you have, Dear Father, have fallen from your Pedastal. Not very gracefully either.

Let me entitle it, "Did You Ever Notice ME Father? Did you ever KNOW ME?"

When I was 13, I ran away from an extremely abusive situation in Manitoba and yep, in shorts, flip flops, a sweater-tee, and 78cents, I was away. Thinking YOU were my saviour. My Helper. My God.

I arrived on your doorstep, none worse the wear. The treatment "on the road" was actually kinder than any I had experienced at my "Home" You left me to when I was 4. Did you even Care? That you were leaving me, at four, with a Nazi-Hutterite of a step-father? Did you? Ever?

But I arrived on Vancouver Island, after a stranger's help at HorseShoe Bay Ferries, of cash help. Of which the man told me, "Are you running TO help? Or are you running away? If you are running away, I won't help you, because my daughter ran away when she was about your age, and I have never seen her since."

He fed me dinner, of my choice (fish and chips, all the way, exotic to me then, as I was now on the westcoast and of course, FISH). Plus he gave me 2 50$, to get onto the ferry with and a cab to get home with.

Funny the things one's mind remembers...

But you, "Dear" Daddy, were not there, as you were busily sailing back from your "Around the World Adventure" Sailing trip. Of which your ex-wife, called via the radio phone, onto your boat, "YOUR daughter has left, she is probably dead by now, but thought I should tell you, she is PROBABLY ON HER WAY TO YOU. ALTHOUGH WHY I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND."

Did you care then that I was perhaps DEAD?

I saw you with Jan, your BEAUTIFUL now EX, at your boat, walking towards you, and wanting to run to you and hug you, my GOLDEN/BLONDE DADDY. Wanting to finally be YOUR LITTLE GIRL, loved.

Instead what occurred was THIS: You turned towards me and stated, as you twirled in the chair, "Charlene..." and promptly projectile vomitted all over the floor.

No sound in the room, of which there were about 30 adults and ME. Only DEAD/PETRIFIED silence.

Then

ONE

MINUTE

LATER...

Jan's shocked words, "OH DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..."

Of which I turned to stare at her, wordlessly.

I never talked for the next thirty days, nodding or shaking my head were my only replies.

Then I moved out to YOUR home at nineteen, of which you began your EXTREME CONTROL of me, but I DIDN'T CARE at 19, BECAUSE I WAS WITH MY GOLDEN FATHER.

BLAH.

My introduction to your "World" was that you were a drunk, you abused your title of Dentist by having, after hours, "Gas, gas, gas" Parties/Orgies. Of which, once, ***** and I arrived "home" and heard "noises" from downstairs/your dental office. Of which ***** being the more curiouser one of the two of us, I could not care less... Went downstairs to investigate. Very quickly ***** was back and stated quite honestly, Hey the dental gas is flowing downstairs and everyone is naked down there."

Needless to say we deserted my HOME.

Another weekend, another gas, gas, gas party. I arrived home and you, Dear Daddy, were downstairs, quite crazed and when you heard me upstairs, came upstairs with what I think, in memory, was a shot-gun, and your crazed/gassed up eyes/thinking you told me, Are you safe? I am going to protect you THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING.

I was like WTF?

You opened up the upstairs windows and promptly shot the streetlights out. I just watched, once again MUTE.

Fascination? Shock? Who's to say?

Then you turned my way, saying, I GOT THE RUSSIANS!!! See? I shot out their planes' headlights. So you are safe.

I just shook my head. My Fucked up Father and I am "supposed" to be Normal. Hmmmmm...

I did not know which woman to call.

I called Michelle and she stated, after I asked her IF I should call an ambulance for my Father, her reply - DON'T DO THAT, HE WILL LOSE HIS LICENCE. I WILL BE RIGHT OVER.

In Michelle speak, that means THAT WILL BE THE END OF THE GRAVY TRAIN OF $$$$$$

You ditched Jan.

Did I have a say? No.

You MARRIED Michelle. I won't even go there. I would be writing for DAYS/YEARS/IONS... She is so justNOTthere. A breath of fresh air? No a vaccuum. She sucks away peace piranha.

I watched throughout the years as I began to "disappear" in your eyes.

Or did I ever exist for you? I wonder.

One year you bought me hair products for Xmas, about 300$ worth, which was hilarious because I had shaved off my head 3 weeks before. To help a friend with her cancer baldness and "gave" her my waist-length hair. But you were NEVER attached/entrenched into my life, that you were not aware. So there was shocked silence as I laffed at the gift, as I removed the cowboy hat, and bandanna and presented you with my PROUD bald head. Of which your interpretation was, "Are you gay?"

On Gay Dyke Women, to you, shaved their heads.

BLAH.

You hated/hate every man I have ever loved. I have never asked you why. Belittling all of them, after the fact as they passed from my world. Never taking joy in the fact that your Daughter was able to BE IN LOVE, fully and completely.

They were men I LOVED. For FUCK'S SAKE. I LOVED THEM. Shit, shit, shit. In fact I even contemplated making babies with 2 of them. But you just belittled.

One time Chelsea and I were at the house, Departure Bay, and being females fussing in the bathroom, doing hair, perfume, lipgloss (okay that was my type of fussing LOL) When I came out, twirling in my outfit, Dear Daddy your words were, "At least my Daughter is NOT the fat daughter."

Another time, after Grandma S. died, you GAVE Chelsea GRANDMA'S car, stating that there was money owing on it AND I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH to make the payments. Yet Chelsea, being 15 years younger WAS? Which was complete bullshit because MILLIONAIRE FATHER would not let his Mother have a car OWING money on. Give me a FUCKING BREAK. D-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... When do I come out? Number one? Acknowledged? Always running on the treadmill BEHIND Chelsea BECAUSE you married her Mother. So I once again, disappeared. Slooooowly. Once again, yep.

Of which I internalized that by ballooning to my now 200 pounds and Chelsea became NOT THE FAT DAUGHTER.

Shit shit shit.

I told Aunty Betty Ann one year, once again, at Departure Bay, that I had Grandma's dress (after Grandma S's passing) that she had worn to Aunty BettyAnn's wedding. And Aunty BettyAnn said that Wow, I would love to see it, I don't remember it.

Of which your contribution was, Dear Daddy, "Why would you want to see it? It was probably 2nd hand when she bought it, nothing was ever BRAND NEW for Mom. Never."

Shocked silence once again. What do you say to such a fucking stupid statement? Especially from me, your daughter, who is an AVID thrift store shopper and would NEVER NEVER NEVER buy NEW whatfor? Inflated prices anyways.

I watched in silence as Chelsea, my step-sister EVERY XMAS got 15 presents to my ONE ONE ONE gift every year.

One year when I lived with *** Dear Daddy, you sent me LINGERIE for Xmas - *** sat there in silence as I opened it and looked at the gift card, "Your FATHER sent you LINGERIE for a PRESENT? XMAS? THAT'S SOOOOO FUCKED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS."

I just said, "So what - it's for fucking, isn't it? Let's fuck."

Yeah.

You came to my HOME, my trailer, YOU BOUGHT FOR ME, DEAR DADDY, and in a drunken almost stupor, with a SILENT Michelle, BLAH... Called me a LAZY STUPID FAT WHORE.

Of which I internalized and gained more weight.

Well you, for me too, no longer "CONTROL" me - "DEAR DADDY" I am saying Goodbye to you. I am making a resolution in 2008 NOT to contact you EVER in 2008. What for?

My best friend, and confidante, Narda and I have a "joke" about you, Dear Daddy. It goes something like this...

Isn't My Daddy such a warm, caring demonstrative MAN?

No your DADDY is just a DEMON. PERIOD.

And her and I burst out in laughter. Gales of laughter.

I can't handle you Dear Daddy, no more.

I need to grab MY LIFE. At last. And find ME. Learn to LOVE ME. In 2008.

My latest contest link ((please click on and I will get another entry THANKS))

Sometimes we meet someone in our lives for a very brief time... And they make a great effect on our overall "impression" of our world... Just such a person was Mervin. I met him volunteering and he made me feel welcome with his smile... He would always have time to listen, with a smile and a sit down. Or I would see him throughout town, walking and once again, his bright smile of Hello. And he would ask me how I was doing that day. I felt listened to by Mervin. He will be missed.

At the place where we both volunteered, there was this dedication;

Mr. Mervin ... passed away on Saturday, October 13, 2007. Mervin resided at the ... .... Hotel. Mervin worked for our community, volunteering countless hours with the ..., .... ..., the ... and ... ... ... ... to name a few.
Mervin had many friends. He was a kind, thoughtful and gentle man, a man of integrity who always put the needs of others before his own. His keen insight and perception of life were peppered with humour. He accepted and respected all without judgement.
Farewell Mervin - - we will cherish your memory and thank you for sharing your philosophy of giving. You touched many lives.

A non-secular service will be held Tuesday, October 30th at 2 p.m. at First Memorial Funeral Service Chapel.

I finally understand the saying; "This is the first day of the rest of your life..." For today I finally feel "together", connected - Mind/Body/Spirit

I recognize that we are labelled by our bodies... Currently I am 180lbs and 5'6" Which is, yep, obese. So I've decided to get on with it.

So far I have exercised on my bike/stationary, while I am reading the book Daughters of the Moon Sisters of the Sun - This book helps me as I am reading about 'girls' that are writing about their feelings of being Disconnnected and the like. While they were growing up - That was me. BIG TIME.

Also in the book, is stories from Women that tell of their feelings of Disconnectedness too. One such that I was surprised was Lindsay Wagner (Of 'my' generation, forever known as Bionic Woman; all powerful woman) So it was quite surprising to me that she would lock herself into her home for days/3 days I think she mentioned - And her solution? Is quite simple. Reach out; call someone.

A young girl says that to stop the disconnectedness is to do art, reach out and the like. So that is what I am going to do.

Art has always been my way to express myself. Erratic art, hahahaha But art nonetheless. On Wednesday I am going to go to the Gym and Sign up for their Clay classes and go from there. I love clay; been playing in the 'dirt' joyfully all my life. Love the female figurine. So going to go sign up for that.

I reached out the other day - Slowly - To 2 women Cheryl and Lizzie - And neither woman rejected me. In fact, Cheryl thinks that I am AWESOME (Her word not mine LOL) Slowly my mind and body is coming together...

Now that Father thing - I am going to meditate over that and see what the cards have to say tonight. All of them.

Well I have heard from someone recently that I am bi-polar... I have run that word thruout my brain over and over and I have concluded

Nope.

As I do not experience the WOWS or rather the HIGHS... Although I do go on shopping "sprees" Love to. But always have.

I have decided that to get "out of" my recent slump I am going to setup DAILY GOALS Let it be basic like clean the house, from end to end - Which makes me feel wonderful BIG TIME. Or workout ALL DAY long... Or Burn music or make it to the Dr. or Write in my journal or whatever it be - I AM GOING TO SET DAILY GOALS.

And do it.

So for tomorrow/Friday I am going to clean my home, from one end to the other AND burn more music to completely fill my IPOD So more Trance music... Medieval music...

I love a clean home.

Saturday's goal is to go grocery shopping for the complete Thanksgiving List. of Foodstuff.

Monday is the day I am going to cook. Then Tuesday... Not sure.

Wednesday I have a meeting with Triumph. So that is as far as I go. Oh wait Tuesday Jan is supposed to come and visit me.

Oh my other goal is to stop the sadness over my Father. Does he think of me? Highly doubt it.

Okay... that is my ramble for today... WOW... **EVIL GRIN**

Depression
Is a varied and very wired, if not out-right Wierd "thing"
You never know when it is going to hit you - - - > HARD
Never lightly.
Like right, now, this IMMEDIATE moment, I can
Feel my Tears.
Right
There.
Just inside, wanting SCREAMING NEEDING!!!
To burst free.
Thoughts of my despair are of my Daddy and he is rejecting me? Still?
Yes, I return to the 3 year old child, of whom you walked from, Daddy.
Whatever did I do?
For you to now, reject me? So outright in every avenue? E-mail, fax, cell phone, yadda yadda yadda.
Is it because I am not the "Perfect" Daughter you so think that you Ought to hve sired? From your Golden loins?
Or is it that you only wanted a Son?
Is it, Dear Daddy, that I don't have a Penis, that you reject me?
What is the Reason?
Truly?
Don't I deserve to know?
Truly??
The Not Knowing Why is much worse; your last words to me, back in February, in your alcohol-induced bravery, were - - - > youFATlazyWHORE!!!
Yet noone else, but my 'other' Father-figure, step-father, Sam, ever said such words, to me.
Why do My Father-figures reject ME SO???
mY Despair Ridden thoughts run over and over...

I fell asleep tonight, like VERY VERY early and I kept on having the VERY SAME dream over and over... Here goes...

I was walkng along the Ocean (which works as I live along the Pacific Ocean) with my Dalmatian, Bandit. Which, yes, again works as YES, I do have a Dalmatian and Yes... His name is Bandit...

We were walking along... I was every now and then, skipping stones along the calm water of the ocean... When we rounded a bend in the path...

There was a fire at a farm. People were rushing about and a woman appeared, in turn of the century nightclothes... Pressing to me, five youngs boys (perhaps the oldest was ten???) All of variety of curly hair, and all looking up at me... For guidance??? For me to say YES??? OKAY???

She was quite persistent... "Please, please, TAKECAREOFMYBOYS."

Then... All of a sudden/MIRACULIOUSLY??? "She" was "gone".

It started to rain, and the fire, began to mist/dissipate...

I bent down, and stroked one of the boy's hair, saying, "Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, YOUAREOKAYNOW..."

Then the dream skipped to my home and the 5 boys were tucked into my bed, drinking cocoa and smiling up at me. I tucked them in, again, assuring them that they WERE OKAY.

The dream ended there...

INTERPRETATION???????????????????

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GUESS HOW MANY GUMBALLS - win a FANTASTIC prize!!!!!!!! & THANK YOU FOR USING MY LINK as that gives me extra entries!!!!!!!!

Okay I don't think that I have ever had what I call a "Knock My Socks Off" Day before... But today was that day...

I volunteer on Tuesdays at the Local Salvation Army - I am the Soup and Desserts Girl... Easy enough, so it gives me enough time to chat up the fellas HAHAHAHAHA And the ladies (Cheryl or Judy) that I work with are extremely cheerful and upbeat. Or rather they are once I begin teasin' them HAHAHAHA

Well today it is another day, like any other day OR SO I THOUGHT...

Then I was serving this one guy - And "SOMETHING" struck me as similiar or rather "FAMILIAR" about him... So I blindly asked him, "Are you from New Brunswick? Newfoundland?"

"No."

"Are you related or do you know a guy named A.K.?"

"No." He paused, as his extremely blue eyes probed mine. "Is your father a Dentist?"

"Ummmmmm, yes - - " I stared at him, opened mouthed, as noone at the Salvation Army would know my Family, or my family's background. Quite tightlipped about it, except for Cheryl or Judy.

He continued, "I am from Ontario, we were together, like 20 years ago?"

"OMGIT'SMYJOHHNY - - JOHHNY COLLISON!!!"

Then all the memories of My Johnny came flooding back and I just stared at him. I was maybe 20, 21? And he was a Summer Love and I swear those were the most intense ones.

He was a heartthrob back then. Picture this; surfy boy type - - Sandy blonde curls (to die for), trusty/dreamy blue/blue/blue eyes and a smile that beguiled you from the first smile your way.

But this surfy boy choice of surf was Prince's bike (the one in Purple Rain EXACTLY) and the same size. With tattoos galore.

But he was the most tender of lovers, which contradicted the leather and the tatt's and the grin. But once he curled up beside you, he purred. And caressed and cared.

But after 4 months he was just "GONE." No letter on the pillow or goodbye, just GONE.

A month later the phone bill came in and I saw that he called Ontario, quite often. And thru the grapevine I heard he went back to his high school sweetheart and I had never seen him until today.

MyJohnny.

Cried for 3 months over him. I did when he "JUSTLEFT".

We could not talk fast enough, at the dinner table, and I could not believe it was my Johnny.

Life had not treated him well, now he has no teeth (so sad, because his smile was so beautiful), tanned like only 24/7 street people are. Oily, or is it dirty? But his eyes are still tender, those eyes have not changed.

I said to him, "You shouldn't have left me, Johnny."

He looked at me and said, "Believe me, I regretted it many times."

I said, "I can't feel for you, because you chose to leave."

I gave him my telephone number and told him to call. At 2 p.m. tomorrow.

My insides just feel like they went thru a rollercoaster. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

COOK'S NOOK

A **MUSTSEE** when you visit Nanaimo!!!!

It is located in Port Place Mall - Best service from the ladies working there - I went in on a Saturday day and the ambience of the store is just FANTASTIC!!! They let you wander around -

What got us (I was with my friend Jenny) to detour to the store was Gemini and Pisces coffee mugs. On sale (sale bin outside of the front entranceway of the store) Which prompted us to wander thruout the store itself.

The first thing you notice is the EXTREME CLEANLINESS of the store itself. Then you begin to enjoy the brightness of each colour of each item of the store. Like RED IS RED. Blue is a STRONG blue. This store is NOT for the feint of heart. Loud/extreme brightness of colours.

I wanted to purchase these really elegant teapots - Which looked like cat teapots. With WHISKERS!!! But 42.99 (Not a sale item any time soon LOL)

I found thruout my wandering stainless steel skewers (wayyyyyy better than wooden ones - can be used over and over).

Then further wanderings and EXTREME ENJOYMENT I found myself towards the candles - Made with natural soy - WOW - AND the candles were on sale - I AM SOOOOO RETURNING again and again. Eucalyptus and Lilac were purchased. Eucalyptus being burnt as I type this.

Then found egg holders - Had to buy the cat AND the dog :)

You are able to move throughout the store freely - As both Jenny and I had backpacks on and felt free to carry them.

Everything is great priced, lots of sales. Lotsof colours and lotsof smiles from the staff.

I will be back. Again and again. My cashier was Lisa.

Cook's Nook
Kitchen & Gift
Jenny Ford, Owner
Tel. 250-754-8733
83 - 650 Terminal Avenue ((((PORT PLACE MALL)))
Nanaimo, B.C. V9R 5E2

Hey Dude -



Kewl that you are doing allot of riding too - but of a different sort.



What are you doing this weekend? I might be coming over tomorrow night for the Surrey Fireworks... The Nanaimo fireworks are on a big SCREEN they have placed in Nanaimo square (they are on the water but also on the screen if you want to watch it there) But I am trying to get ahold of my girlfriend Narda to connect with her and party in Surrey LOL Besides she would have wayyyy more booze HAH



Oh I got a part-time job - I am a Driver for the Local FoodBank - I am driving a Cube Van - LOOK OUT Nanaimo HAH Does not start until the 15th of July But it will be a blast - So being in the Army driving Military Vehicles gets me this job HAH



So no love life eh? Well the offer is there "on the table" FWB if you ever want to wander this way How about Tonight then we could zoom back tomorrow whatever time you would like to HAHAHAH Typical guy would be the FIRST FERRY crossing in the a.m. HAHAHAHAHA IDIOT LOL Today? I am probably just going to be gardening - I did my spring cleaning OMG I am such a packrat LOL But it's fun traipsing thru Thrift Stores - Great Fun. I think...



FriendsWithBenefits is the way to go - I did it with a guy in Victoria for 4 years - Actually 2 lol One was a very pretty boy OMG He was so pretty I found it almost painful to look at him Clone of Rob Lowe when he was young - I used to wander over to his place Like clockwork on Friday nights - He drove a blue pickup truck - I would wander into his place - 8 p.m. - Friday nights - Crook my finger at him, he'd follow me into his bedroom - I'd tape his mouth shut - Tie him to his bed and talk naughty to him, tell him in advance what I was going to do to him, how beautiful I thought he was - How very much I enjoyed being with him, etc etc How I enjoyed all of it - With him tied and mute, and yes, still shockingly beautiful, I would stay the night, until I got sleepy and he'd fall asleep - I'd untie him, leave the tape on, and leave. OMG Wasn't that the baddest? I never did learn his name or anything - OMG in retrospect BAD BAD BAD lol



Another guy? Named Andrew - I met thru placing a personal ad in a local newspaper The heading I chose was "MUST be a MAN'S MAN - NO WIMPS need apply" LOL And Andrew was like a Male God - Clone of any of the Baldwin boy actors - Could have been one of their "lost" brothers - In fact one time we were wandering all over Vancouver's West End - We met up with 4 very Gay men, and they promptly ignored me - Gushing over Andrew "Darling, if you want to cross over to the other side, BEAUTIFUL, I'll be gentle!!! In fact here's my card!!!!" I was no help as Andrew looked at me as these very flamboyent gay men surrounded him - In fact I was almost on the ground, LAUGHING, the look on his face and their apparent lust for him. HAHAHAHAH But he was beautiful "Back in the Day" But he was/is F'D up horribly - And f'd me up Further Got me or rather I let myself become hooked on a weekly fix of drugs and sex with him So I was his It ended miserably - But after 4 years? I cared, he did not as and I quote him, "You've gained weight, my penis can't get a hardon for you anymore." I was like OMG I am so a Nothing to him, AFTER 4 YEARS? In 4 years I had not met - Oh just a stupid rambling That was an oooooooops Relationship of mine - I just lusted after him BADLY - Loved rubbing up and down his hairiness LOL Now? He's probably bald, fat and wondering where all the young girls went Forgetting now he's 46 LOL



Oh one FWB dude that worked out for both of us - Rory - He even lived up to the Name - Preppy and rich and FUNNY as all get out - He was my night-time boss for Kabuki Kabs - The pedal cabs of Victoria? Rory just worked Friday and Saturday night sign in of the end of the shift which was anywhere from 3 a.m. - 5 a.m. Providing if you got a late night tour - Well one night I was the last cab in and I radioed in I had a tour to the Navy base - Drunk horny sailors So after hearing their banter to the base, I was tingling (Did not go for it LOL) I came into the Shop and there was Rory - Sitting at the desk, waiting for me to sign out off of the shift, smoking a big one, like a very bad Cheech and Chong moment - As I opened the door - WOOOOSH of smoke LOL



Which was hilarious because I had glimpsed Rory before - He did everything with flair - He was the 11th child of one of the Rich Families of Victoria (you see the Rich ones around) I had seen him zipping around in his Porsche - Thinking 'Whatever" LOL Rory had 2 or 3 degrees - Wait 2; Accounting and a Lawyer - Taken at the SAME TIME I was like f'g showoff LOL He had travelled Loved petite women/oriental, submissive - Travelled to the Orient to express his Kink side (I am skipping here) He was, when he was working on the weekends, writing a book - So while he waited for drivers to come in, he was typing away on his laptop - That all intrigued me - As I love the power and seduction of the word (as you can tell by my emails LOL)



Well back to how it all started - "The Night" Me totally oblivious - But Rory had fallen into lust into one of my Photos I placed in the Shop of one of my Lingerie fashion shows I was doing (Wanted the boys to come and "Enjoy the Show" LOL - hence the poster) I was 25, a size 2 (Think Halle Berry size - I had her body once LOL)



So I am walking in to the Shop office and noticed the smell of the smoke, as I entered, and Rory was there, with his laptop and the BIGGEST joint hanging out of his mouth, which made me re-evaluate him - So the Prep rich boy SMOKES? OMG lol



I entered, asked if all the cabs were in and that I would like to sign off my shift.



He slid the book to me, but stopped mid-desk and said, "You have to do something first."



I was like huh? Not thinking that the Rich, Prep ever noticed me - One who struggled thru ONE degree at University Never mind on my 3rd/Literature was to be his next one. After he published his book.



I looked at Rory and he was dressed in a Suit. Tie, hanging loosely, around his neck. Think JFK, Jr. attire. That kind of look. Remember Rory was a world-traveller, he "fit" in anywhere. Preps do.



I stood before him, not knowing what his next sentence would be.



"I want to taste all of you on this desk. Then you can sign out. Oh and all the doors are locked. I made sure BEFORE you, THE BEAUTY came in."



I was like THE BEAUTY? I just laughed internally. No man had ever called me beautiful before. It just hit me right there, that even living with someone for 5 years he had never given me a compliment. Just accepted me. Needless to say, With that "corny" line I was Rory's.



Yep we did everything on that desk. I can still remember climbing onto that desk, removing Rory's tie and murmuring to him, whispering in his ear, how his suit was much too cumbersome LOL



Again 4 years later, Rory and I were Sunday lovers. We christened every cab that night/morning LOL 45 cabs 45 different stereos LOL Music IS an aprhodisiac LOL I wore his tie home that night LOL Him leaving in his Porsche, me riding home on my Bike LOL



It was hilarious 4 years - How Rory would do the seduction was he would leave me notes at the shop, saying he would like me to write a story of what I would like our next seduction to be Where? When? (Sundays only) His family home was one of the Condos on the waterfront of Victoria - OMG the view from his bed there!!!!! Planes landing, sailboats setting out to sea, as I screamed his name - Mmmmmmmm - I would write the story - Drop it off at his family home - One time his MOTHER came down and I was to tell her it was one of Rory's school assignments his missed. She totally believed me (As I looked like a bike courier LOL) Meanwhile she was basically handling son's next sex-ploit LOL



We were at the Empress one night - Remember Rory has too much cash LOL I was his Toy of Current - I would write the WHERE and he would make it happen. Once in his porsche - enroute - That was horrible LOL No room Stupid stickshift LOL and We moved it into neutral or we began moving LOL More than just US lol



Rory followed me to Vancouver - But I had met Andrew by then - And Rory I had never "felt" anything for - It was because he was everything I "wanted" And I just thought he would NEVER get serious over me - THE "GOOF" I could never calm down enough to sit still at a family dinner for 13? Mom & Dad made 13 lol OMG? And they wore their family cash very easily. Me? I loved zooming around on my bike, doing art and being spontaneous. His family was about Succeeding and BIG TIME. One of his brother's I met? Was a producer of a weekly tv show (Laura Dern acted in it) His brother smiled at me, winked at Rory - I totally understood the wink, Meaning? She's hot. I was like So you are Rory's brother. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Then Rory would lick my ear and I had forgotten all about any brother LOL



So it was my internalized fucked up brain that did not let me LIKE Rory beyond Physical. He would phone me up and ask if I was doing ok I was like why not? He was like Move in with me - Which was the 33rd floor of some condo Actually those condos right downtown They are THE ADDRESS of Vancouver Twin Towers I can't remember the names of them, but they are on Burrard and are Twins. Boys/Valets greet you at the door, buzz you in, etc. etc.



Actually I did move in with Rory for 48 hours - I used every excuse in the book WHY NOT - I had a dog, etc etc He said Condo takes dogs in fact the Valets would even walk the dog for me on schedule I was like OMG lol So on a Friday I moved in Sunday my dog peed in a corner, as I lounged in Rory's kingsize bed, moritified, but purring LOL I just felt all the feelings of being trash (All that men/FATHER FIGURES) had said i.e. You will never have a relationship you are TRASH TRASH TRASH



I started crying HUGE SOBS and Rory curled around me (all 6'2 of him) and smoothed my hair and everything and touched me, softly, cooing in my ear, what's wrong MY BEAUTY? That had become his nickname for me...



I said Oh this is not going to work, my dog peed in the corner, you are THE BEAUTY, you are smart, 3 degrees, I am struggling thru one, I want you, I am scared, MYDOGPISSEDINTHECORNER of your beautiful condo - Ruining the PERFECTNESS of it, I will ruin you, your life, I will OHIT'SNOTGOINGTOWORK



Full out crying - Him saying Shhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhhh, My sister brought her poodle here a few weeks ago and it peed in the very same spot and your dog smellt it THAT'S ALL



I climbed out of bed and left - CRYING ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS realizing I loved him and I was so inadequate and not realizing how much Rory loved me too.



I spiralled out of control, after that, Rory "found" me 2 years later, stripping in a local club, he nearly dropped his drink - Staring up at my blank face - Knowing I was high. He slammed down 500$ for a private dance and spent the time in the private room, screaming at me - I did not hear him, blitzed on alcohol and coke.



He invited me to his condo and I brought my Madam with me - She was a creation - Nothing was real. Hair colour to painted toenails But she was petite and hot. I knew she was his "type" He noticed I was high and with someone Who I coldly told him EXACTLY who she was - And he promptly gave her a big french kiss in front of me.



Both of us very hurt and hurting. Not knowing how to proceed.



I have not seen him since. Will I ever? Again? I know where he lives. Same condo. Same phone number. But years have gone by.



Wow what a ramble.



There you got a stoned ramble. LOL



Now you can tell me your relationships of past. Rory was my last. You? You've told me minimal and I tell you too much.



I have turned on Robbie Robertson Love his music. What is your favourite music? Mine is Native music. New Wave. Love being Part Native. Drums. Mmmmmmm...



Guess I am just missing a man in my life and you keep on saying no. LOL Boring But I do enjoy your stories LOL Of the minuteness you tell me of your relationships.



Well I am home today - If you feel like a ferry ride. LOL I am just doing laundry OMG freaking boring HAH A long way from Porsches and nakedness LOL



Take care, your friend,

Hello -

I have allot to write tonight and I am just going to close my eyes and type - So before I begin - Forgive the typo's LOL

Right now I am Xnumber of age and wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overweight... The last longterm relationship that I had was with a man named Andrew Rolf William Mc09837 (hint on the rest of the name - english rock band, lead singer GAY and DEAD lol) Why did we break up? Right after sex... When I was in that cuddly/warm feely moment right after SCREAMING his name (probably ALL of them AND his lastname HAH) He stated, "I want to break up with you - "

"Pardon - - ?"

"End this."

"Oh?" Trying not to CRY loudly at this point. "Why??"

"You have gained weight and I don't think my penis can get hard for you anymore."

Something inside of me shut down inside. This was a man I ran towards to see, whenever he beckoned me - With a phone call, a smile, a card, or whatever means of communication was his choice at that moment.

A big part of me died that day.

But recently? The rest of me died inside when I had a fight with my Father - He stated he could not stand looking at me, be near me, BECAUSE I WAS A FAT, LAZY WHORE.

Hmmmmmmmmmm, I heard a statement once that you are most strongly attracted to MEN LIKE YOUR FATHER. Hmmmmmmmmm, true in my case.

Emotionally unavailable men. Yep I found them. By the truckload.

When Mr. Andrew broke up with me I was 145 lbs and I think I gained another 145 in just 24 hours. The amount of alcohol and ice cream I ate the next 24 hours.

But I know the moment I completely died inside, my Father sent me a letter when I turned 30 telling me how WORTHLESS I was as when he turned 30 he had bought his Mother a house, had his own 3rd car, owned 2 houses outright (of his own) and on and on ABOUT HIS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS.

So once again I felt worthless in the person's eyes that I thought was God himself. My Daddy made the sun shine, rise and be in the sky. Yes DAD=GOD for me.

Currently? No men in my life - Not even my Father who is God.

No sex for me or rather any personal relationship for me for like forever.

The last man I reached out to? His name was Jeff - I thought he was wonderful - You guessed it - Another emotionally UNAVAILABLE man. But cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute as a Button. Hot. Hot enough physically to be in a rock band. Vancouver rock band. Hot enough to prance on a stage, 80's style long hair, pouty lips and the requisite TIIIIIIGHT pants. Minus the Billy Idol snarl. Because Jeff's lips were his giveaway to his soul. His lips portrayed what he was feeling at the moment. His lips could not lie. Physically that is. They had a life of their own. I loved to trace his lips with my fingertips. The most beautiful lips I have ever touched, kissed or felt on my body.

Mick Jagger would be jealous of Jeff's lips. And yes, his lips tasted me.

Tomorrow? I am setting my alarm clock and saying Fuck you all men. And I am going to become that Hot Mama I am Meant to Be. And Daddy? Fuck You especially for NOT being there for me.

Currently or ever. Emotionally. The most pure love there is - Is the love between a Daddy and His Daughter. Why so many fucking corny Country music songs have been about Daddy's Little Girl. Every fucking woman on this planet began as Daddy's Little Girl.

So yeah, I am ridding myself of the Negative Imagery men I have fucked, been fucked by, been fucked over by, and that INCLUDES YOU "DEAREST DADDY" - I don't need you - Like you don't "NEED" me. Or acknowledge me.

It's a FUCKED UP WORLD where your Dearest Daddy is a 4 or 5 time Multi-millionaire and you, yourself grab welfare and don't know where your next meal is coming from - Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

NOT.

Where Your "DEAREST" FUCKING DADDY - is a Daddy DEAREST to your step-sister Putting her Wedding on Spending over 100K on HER wedding - Where your DEAREST DADDY has you over for Xmas and you SILENTLY watch YOUR DEAREST STEP-SISTER get 15 XMAS presents while you get a FUCKING VACCUUM cleaner - She gets shoes, clothes, journals, cd's, XBOX, - - you get a FUCKING VACCUUM -

Well I finally explosded tonight - The FUCKING vaccuum cleaner is out in MY DRIVEWAY with a sign saying FREE FREE FREE - Hopefully it's gone, gone, gone, by the time I wake up -

DEAREST DADDY - If you care to know - My step-father and my Biological Mother - my up-bringing BECAUSE you divorced my Biological Mommy - to leave me with an Ex-Hutterite step-father which I called Nazi-WANNABE as he beat me with a 3 inch thick belt - DAILY - Thanks for leaving me to THAT DEAREST DADDY - Did you feel better each time you wrote me a Birthday cheque for thousands as I grew up? Did it? Make YOU FEEL BETTER?

My biological Mother TURNED ON THE FUCKING VACCUUM SO SHE WOULD NOT HEAR THE BELT connect to my naked skin - Yes I said NAKED SKIN. Y'see? I had to get naked - to receive the daily beltings - Hmmmmmmmm, so go figure I can't stand vaccuuming as an adult.

So HAPPY FUCKING FATHER'S DAY. Enjoy spending your MILLIONS on who? This Father's Day.

I am sure Beloved Step-sister WILL send you a card - She has to keep up the facade of BEING THAT PERFECT DAUGHTER so you "continue" to pay for her +100K wedding.

You, DEAREST DADDY, who married a woman, who 3 days before your wedding I asked IF she loved you, MY DEAREST DADDY, her replY? With a bitter laugh, she told me, ILOVEYOURFATHER'SMONEY.

Good on ya.

Good on both of you.

Am I bitter?

I am not a lover of MONEY.

I enjoy Money. But I don't LOVE it the way you 3 do.

But tomorrow? My catharsis begins.

The fat, worthless me is leaving the coccoon of comfortable fat. And saying FUCKYOU to the world as I shed the weight.

Look out world, I have seen the light.

And my light does not originate no longer from you, DEAREST DADDY or any other Penis.

Freud had it so wrong. Penis envy? HARDLY.

Never in fact.

Not once.

Good Bye DEAREST DADDY.

So long.

The ME you have known for so long, has died tonight.

Even a new name is going to burst forth. What? It will be, I am unsure. But it will be ORIGINAL.

Like me.

it happens

when u can be still

insidefor an hour

just breathe

allow the light

it will happen

-rosie o'donnell

www.rosie.com

I have always been a fan of Rosie's - The only time that I disagreed with her was her adulation of "Tommy" Ewwwwwwwwww LOL

But I watched The View the other day - And was in shock - EH would not answer Rosie's direct question - EH sidestepped, double-spoke and whatnot...

Am I a fat lesbian communist for agreeing with Rosie? No to all of the above. I would say I am "bi-curious" as I understand women loving women - In fact I "fell in love" with a beautiful woman ONCE in my life - Deborah a goddess.

Although I am not slim, would not label myself as "fat". But I enjoy Rosie. For her being her and enjoying her size and not becoming the Hollywood Elite of Anorexics. She stands firm in being her size. Bravo Rosie. Big time (pardon the pun!!!)

Communist? Me? Hardly. I am Canadian LOL! Sorry, couldn't resist.

When I do vote, I vote for GreenPeace. This world needs to WAKEUP. Badly.

If I were honoured by Rosie herself, actually reading this (as if!) I would love for her and her family to take a respite here on Vancouver Island. I would introduce her to REAL CANADIAN BEER. hahahaha

I strongly think that Rosie and her family should just "takeoff" for a holiday and I think my home and town would be best for her holiday.

To just "disappear" for a bit.

I agree with Rosie's views.

The View will have ratings sliiiiiiiiiiiide.

Rosie stay strong,

A Fan,

CharleneAnn

Okay I just had the WIERDEST all-time dream - Here goes;

I was in a large room, large banquet table - One side (closest to door) the long side, me than opposite end (again long end) Charlie, to the right of me (left of Charlie), a therapist.

I am there to give answers to Charlie's drawings (OMG??? WHY ME? LOL) So he hands me some signs - One says 'For Rent - 1 Year Here' Charlie had penned in the word Here. And other drawings. 4 pieces for me to "analyze" or rather, critique. Of which the therapist, would "listen" to my answers. For further insight to Charlie's psyche.

Seems my background was that I am the girl down the block, who had grown up "near" Charlie's childhood house. But I was too young for him to consider as a "Girlfriend" and that was quite entenched into his way of thinking by the time I was an adult. No changing Charlie's mind!!! Although in my mind, I had been "with" Charlie several, if not hundreds, of times **EVIL GRIN**

Charlie was the charmer throughout the 45 minute meeting, and smiled at me often, and listened to my answers, never interrupting me, sometimes raising an eyebrow to my words. My biggest confession was that I idolized him from afar, never had the guts to seriously approach him. i.e. Could I actually "sleep with him"? Hell no, all gutsiness would fail me. As I got THATCLOSE to my "Idol". To that he outright shook his head. On the word Idol. Guess he does not like that particular word.

Would I "sleep" with Charlie Sheen, if presented? I think I would love 48 hours WITH Charlie Sheen. And I would be a follower - Yeah awestruck. Wow I am "in" Charlie Sheen's world - Be it even minutely. But I AM THERE!!!! Did that answer the question? He would have to do the moving and the shaking because I would just be there - I could not see myself being the aggressor. But once asked? Ummmmmmmmmm, lot'sa tequila the first time LOL 2nd time? My turn HAHAHAHA

YeahRight.

Where did this dream come from? WHO KNOWS. But Charlie has always been my Favourite Bad Boy of Hollywood - I think the whole Sheen family would be a hoot to sit down with at the Dinner table - If they ever ALL get together for such a thing. The topics would be INTERESTING, NEVER boring.

I just wanted to say today,

I had the most wonderful of days -

In a long, long time...

It was the first day that it did not hurt deep down within -

From the rejection of my Beloved Daddy/Father...

The man I told everyone who "Walked on Water"

And there was NO doubt in my Mind.

Ever.

Until

Our Fight.

I have forgiven him His

Flaws.

So Finally Glaringly Obvious.

Obviously...

He has not Forgiven

Me

Mine.

Why was today so very wonderful?

I volunteered today

At the Salvation Army

and it made me feel

Golden,

Wonderful

A great Person.

Looking around and appreciatting my Life.

It is good and my Greater Power

Provides when we needed it - Never before.

I am ending my day watching my ALL-TIME favourtie Movie'

Sweet November.

The character Keanu Plays is my Dream man...

Exactly in Looks and in being...

When Keanu wishes her Merry Xmas and present all those gifts on ThanksGiving Day...

That man I would fall for.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Until I find "that" man I am...

Single...

With a sweet P.S.

I am writing to Mo Worsfold tomorrow -

Sending him an anonymous card and inviting him to my HOME -

To experience Me, in my Element, of my Beautiful Garden and

hopefully he will arrive

One

Day

Soonest.

-charleneann

"charann"

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