Hello Jim - 

1st off, u told me that u walked fr me, because I was "crazy" 2 u, I'm sure the storm that were the S's u entered into were. I can sincerely say that sorry Jim, I am not "crazy" I have been tested. **GIGGLE** Sorry bad joke. But seriously, I think that my biological Father is certifiable. I was just reacting & hurting fr a lifetime of abuse. I thank u 4 lasting as long as u did. Back then.

Today C is so not the same person as the person u knew back then. Or did u even give yourself a chance to know me? We knew each other physically I can remember physically many things about u - I could easily name 5 things about u that make u Jim - But emotionally? In the ways that counted to make a relationship? Ummmmm, not so much. I am rambling. Sorry can type 98 w.p.m. U were always someone I remember(ed) fondly.

I am writing 2u as I was surprised by your questions... 2night... Thought u "knew" me better or rather "remembered" me better or rather that I shared "more" w/u... U asked me Y did I lose touch? W/H's... Tons of abuse happened in that house 4me & my mom - Because of Sam. In my youth - I walked out of that house - Tossed out actually @17 - Lived in my car 4a bit in the city - Then met people who gave me shelter "to make sure that I got my grade 12/graduated" I did so. I found strength to do it BY MYSELF completely. I reached out to my mom's sisters/my aunty's &they all told me no thanks, we don't want that monster/meaning Sam on our doorstep - As they were all, at that point, bringing up kids about your kids ages - Who wants a madman on their doorstep? Makes sense in a weird sort of way.

I carried anger/hurts w/me all my life like an invisible jacket or scarf always nearby - Never to discard - I replaced instead of inner working/therapy w/external things of further abuse 2myself.

Until 2years ago - I faced death - Looked it straight in the eye in fact - Surprise, surprise, my biological father could not care less that his "only" biological daughter was in such dire straights. Basically allot of what is the best word for the description of the 25 year relationship I had w/that man? SHIT a whole pile of stinky SHIT He massacred every relationship I had starting w/u Yet I always went back to my biological Father for what? More shit, more abuse. I had learned fr my mother that love = abuse

Well 2years ago when I looked death in its eye straight on & clearly - I had what Oprah Winfrey calls your "AHA" moment - I thought How do I want to cont. this life I have been given a 2nd chance w/? I walked fr my biological Father completely - Completely. I have not seen him, I don't have his cell number, his current address, or I do not even talk to any S. in fact - As they ALL took his side. While I lie dying They said u deserve this. I was like We share blood.

Ouch. 

2night u also asked me Y did I get in touch again? Meaning the H's. I have only gotten in touch w/my Mommy. As I faced death, it told me, Your Mommy misses u. Death speaks 2u, @least mine did. If that sounds crazy - 2u - I cannot control your reaction - I am telling u my truth(s) - I ph'd my Mommy & told her, Mommy I miss u & I forgive u & I am sorry for the hurts I have inadvertently caused u.

I also 2years ago have gone to therapy/intensive therapy (don't be rude here, & say OVERDUE or whatnot, or about time or no wonder U R CRAZY) Try living a life, my life, in my shoes for 5 minutes - Imagine your parents - every1 of your family turning away fr u - Thru no fault of your own - My maternal family because they were afraid of The Monster named Sam. My fraternal family because they loved to sleep w/my biological father's money & tons of it he has tossed their way throughout their lives - Every1 of them has houses because of him. Paid for. I could not pay the price he asked for - For that to be my house as well.

I do not know if u remember my biological father? Or step-mother? Or C? If u do, @all, is there any good memories of any S? That u met? U maintain u can't remember. So be it.

Well I have gone to therapy for 2 straight years. An art therapist - He is awesome - He has helped me immensely. I am no longer a cutter. Self-abuser. I no longer believe the words of either Sam or Danny that were said to me; that I was ugly/fat/too stupid for words, really etc etc I am financing myself thru school/University @last - ME - I am doing it. Me.

I am getting pretty good grades too. I think that u would be amazed at the C of today. She is softer to the touch, rounder around the hips, has to colour her hair, lets a few &$^#^#%^# slip every now & then lol But she holds her head up - I am a great friend to have - I have true friends in my life - Not fly by nights - I have another 3 months of therapy that I have paid for - I slip up every now & then - Will never be perfect.

I do not talk to my brother - by choice - Mainly his - I wrote 2him on his last birthday, told him that I loved him, missed my little/big brother that was my nickname 4him growing up as he grew so fast & I stayed 5'6" lol He did not acknowledge it - But I was not writing 2him for the response really - I was writing to him to write to him. To let him know I have always loved him, & always will. He IS my brother.

Can I tell u the relationship between me & my mother has all been a bed of instant roses? Hardly. Last year, her & Sam were in .... house-sitting which is .... & I am .... I said I could fly 2c her she was much 2busy - What lounging by the pool? We correspond by either letter or phone or text messages. That is it. I accept it. I have learned that u cannot "control" another human being. u r in control of U yourself that's it. I tell my mom everytime we correspond, communicate that I love her & I tell her that I love Chris. I write her letters/birthday cards/postcards/phone &just ask for "Is Mom there, please?" 1time my brother's daughter, Amy, who is 17, answered the phone, I identified myself &she said, "Oh it's u THE STUPID 1." I did not react, until later, when I meditated, &just re-asked 4my MOMMY please. I would not know Amy/my brother's daughter if I saw her walking down the street - She would know me because I look JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

In a long winded way, Jim, I'd like 2say, I'd like to be your friend. Write back/forth, share laughter. Or whatever. I remember u fondly in so many ways. I have photos still ofu - A collage I made 1year - Your grad photo, etc etc It was a time of near happiness I had almost in my life -

Do I write to get you back? I doubt if either 1of us will ever be in the same breathing space anytime soon. But who knows? What tomorrow will bring. I am just in the moment. The NOW. I don't believe in tomorrow. Never have. Not since 2 of my favourite people died &I was hoping to have them around forever. My Uncle P - u went w/me when he had just died. Doubt if u remember that. But I have a photo of u there. u didn't have to but u did. u did not know the man, @all, had never met him. But u did it 4Me. Took a big man 2do that. u were that man. My other Uncle D died. u met him once2. We went to his house once &u said we overstayed our welcome as everyone was yawning lol I just wanted to stay near him so much.

The C of today still has pets, art around her, &therapy for 3more months or something like that.

u can ask me anything - The C u knew lied lied lied Let me explain Y - The f'd up logic that was in my brain as to Y I should never tell a "C" truth - It does not make right-brain/logical sense So bear w/me But Sam had me so convinced after 14/15years of verbal abuse that the "real" C if exposed was Ugly/Stupid/Not WORTH KNOWING @ALL. Imagine your parent/Father-figure telling u every day how WORTHLESS u were EVERY DAY for 14/15 years - I created a different truth every time someone asked me about ME. I warned u it did not make "logical" sense... As the "real" true C was NOT WORTH KNOWING, k?

Well I am Jim. I am not Crazy. Never was. I was just in survival mode/savior mode of C since age4 when Sam entered my world &hit me for the 1st time. Can u imagine hitting your daughter to bruises level when she was 4? How vulnerable/small she was then? That was me. My mother "let" him.

Okay I believe u r asking yourself IF u have read this far - Y is she telling me all this. Because I value your opinion of me. Or rather I value u. Always will. u have the biggest part of my heart. Always did from your 1st smile my way. Or rather our first kiss. Stupid things - Which u r thinking there she goes again.

I offer u my friendship, IF u ever need a friend...

I'm offering my hand in friendship, I think we would laugh &U would say 1 of your statements that only u let fly & I will just shake my head lol & give u a smile thinking yep "my jimmy" is still in there somewhere. u made me ME in big ways & I think my love 4u, back then, made u JIMMY in many ways too... Good ways. Having someone's love, I don't think is ever a bad thing. u had mine. Completely. "Once upon a time"

u r welcome in my world, always Jim. If u ever need a friend. I'm sure the 1st 5 minutes would be awkward but then I'd say Jim, wouldu like 2c my world? I would walk b4 u, as opposed to how I always walked behind u b4 and w/a big smile, show u MY WORLD. SHARE it w/u.