I finally understand the saying; "This is the first day of the rest of your life..." For today I finally feel "together", connected - Mind/Body/Spirit

I recognize that we are labelled by our bodies... Currently I am 180lbs and 5'6" Which is, yep, obese. So I've decided to get on with it.

So far I have exercised on my bike/stationary, while I am reading the book Daughters of the Moon Sisters of the Sun - This book helps me as I am reading about 'girls' that are writing about their feelings of being Disconnnected and the like. While they were growing up - That was me. BIG TIME.

Also in the book, is stories from Women that tell of their feelings of Disconnectedness too. One such that I was surprised was Lindsay Wagner (Of 'my' generation, forever known as Bionic Woman; all powerful woman) So it was quite surprising to me that she would lock herself into her home for days/3 days I think she mentioned - And her solution? Is quite simple. Reach out; call someone.

A young girl says that to stop the disconnectedness is to do art, reach out and the like. So that is what I am going to do.

Art has always been my way to express myself. Erratic art, hahahaha But art nonetheless. On Wednesday I am going to go to the Gym and Sign up for their Clay classes and go from there. I love clay; been playing in the 'dirt' joyfully all my life. Love the female figurine. So going to go sign up for that.

I reached out the other day - Slowly - To 2 women Cheryl and Lizzie - And neither woman rejected me. In fact, Cheryl thinks that I am AWESOME (Her word not mine LOL) Slowly my mind and body is coming together...

Now that Father thing - I am going to meditate over that and see what the cards have to say tonight. All of them.

Well I have heard from someone recently that I am bi-polar... I have run that word thruout my brain over and over and I have concluded

Nope.

As I do not experience the WOWS or rather the HIGHS... Although I do go on shopping "sprees" Love to. But always have.

I have decided that to get "out of" my recent slump I am going to setup DAILY GOALS Let it be basic like clean the house, from end to end - Which makes me feel wonderful BIG TIME. Or workout ALL DAY long... Or Burn music or make it to the Dr. or Write in my journal or whatever it be - I AM GOING TO SET DAILY GOALS.

And do it.

So for tomorrow/Friday I am going to clean my home, from one end to the other AND burn more music to completely fill my IPOD So more Trance music... Medieval music...

I love a clean home.

Saturday's goal is to go grocery shopping for the complete Thanksgiving List. of Foodstuff.

Monday is the day I am going to cook. Then Tuesday... Not sure.

Wednesday I have a meeting with Triumph. So that is as far as I go. Oh wait Tuesday Jan is supposed to come and visit me.

Oh my other goal is to stop the sadness over my Father. Does he think of me? Highly doubt it.

Okay... that is my ramble for today... WOW... **EVIL GRIN**

Depression
Is a varied and very wired, if not out-right Wierd "thing"
You never know when it is going to hit you - - - > HARD
Never lightly.
Like right, now, this IMMEDIATE moment, I can
Feel my Tears.
Right
There.
Just inside, wanting SCREAMING NEEDING!!!
To burst free.
Thoughts of my despair are of my Daddy and he is rejecting me? Still?
Yes, I return to the 3 year old child, of whom you walked from, Daddy.
Whatever did I do?
For you to now, reject me? So outright in every avenue? E-mail, fax, cell phone, yadda yadda yadda.
Is it because I am not the "Perfect" Daughter you so think that you Ought to hve sired? From your Golden loins?
Or is it that you only wanted a Son?
Is it, Dear Daddy, that I don't have a Penis, that you reject me?
What is the Reason?
Truly?
Don't I deserve to know?
Truly??
The Not Knowing Why is much worse; your last words to me, back in February, in your alcohol-induced bravery, were - - - > youFATlazyWHORE!!!
Yet noone else, but my 'other' Father-figure, step-father, Sam, ever said such words, to me.
Why do My Father-figures reject ME SO???
mY Despair Ridden thoughts run over and over...

I fell asleep tonight, like VERY VERY early and I kept on having the VERY SAME dream over and over... Here goes...

I was walkng along the Ocean (which works as I live along the Pacific Ocean) with my Dalmatian, Bandit. Which, yes, again works as YES, I do have a Dalmatian and Yes... His name is Bandit...

We were walking along... I was every now and then, skipping stones along the calm water of the ocean... When we rounded a bend in the path...

There was a fire at a farm. People were rushing about and a woman appeared, in turn of the century nightclothes... Pressing to me, five youngs boys (perhaps the oldest was ten???) All of variety of curly hair, and all looking up at me... For guidance??? For me to say YES??? OKAY???

She was quite persistent... "Please, please, TAKECAREOFMYBOYS."

Then... All of a sudden/MIRACULIOUSLY??? "She" was "gone".

It started to rain, and the fire, began to mist/dissipate...

I bent down, and stroked one of the boy's hair, saying, "Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, YOUAREOKAYNOW..."

Then the dream skipped to my home and the 5 boys were tucked into my bed, drinking cocoa and smiling up at me. I tucked them in, again, assuring them that they WERE OKAY.

The dream ended there...

INTERPRETATION???????????????????

http://gumball.winwithdell.com/index.php?Plink=L1186898235850749779

GUESS HOW MANY GUMBALLS - win a FANTASTIC prize!!!!!!!! & THANK YOU FOR USING MY LINK as that gives me extra entries!!!!!!!!

Okay I don't think that I have ever had what I call a "Knock My Socks Off" Day before... But today was that day...

I volunteer on Tuesdays at the Local Salvation Army - I am the Soup and Desserts Girl... Easy enough, so it gives me enough time to chat up the fellas HAHAHAHAHA And the ladies (Cheryl or Judy) that I work with are extremely cheerful and upbeat. Or rather they are once I begin teasin' them HAHAHAHA

Well today it is another day, like any other day OR SO I THOUGHT...

Then I was serving this one guy - And "SOMETHING" struck me as similiar or rather "FAMILIAR" about him... So I blindly asked him, "Are you from New Brunswick? Newfoundland?"

"No."

"Are you related or do you know a guy named A.K.?"

"No." He paused, as his extremely blue eyes probed mine. "Is your father a Dentist?"

"Ummmmmm, yes - - " I stared at him, opened mouthed, as noone at the Salvation Army would know my Family, or my family's background. Quite tightlipped about it, except for Cheryl or Judy.

He continued, "I am from Ontario, we were together, like 20 years ago?"

"OMGIT'SMYJOHHNY - - JOHHNY COLLISON!!!"

Then all the memories of My Johnny came flooding back and I just stared at him. I was maybe 20, 21? And he was a Summer Love and I swear those were the most intense ones.

He was a heartthrob back then. Picture this; surfy boy type - - Sandy blonde curls (to die for), trusty/dreamy blue/blue/blue eyes and a smile that beguiled you from the first smile your way.

But this surfy boy choice of surf was Prince's bike (the one in Purple Rain EXACTLY) and the same size. With tattoos galore.

But he was the most tender of lovers, which contradicted the leather and the tatt's and the grin. But once he curled up beside you, he purred. And caressed and cared.

But after 4 months he was just "GONE." No letter on the pillow or goodbye, just GONE.

A month later the phone bill came in and I saw that he called Ontario, quite often. And thru the grapevine I heard he went back to his high school sweetheart and I had never seen him until today.

MyJohnny.

Cried for 3 months over him. I did when he "JUSTLEFT".

We could not talk fast enough, at the dinner table, and I could not believe it was my Johnny.

Life had not treated him well, now he has no teeth (so sad, because his smile was so beautiful), tanned like only 24/7 street people are. Oily, or is it dirty? But his eyes are still tender, those eyes have not changed.

I said to him, "You shouldn't have left me, Johnny."

He looked at me and said, "Believe me, I regretted it many times."

I said, "I can't feel for you, because you chose to leave."

I gave him my telephone number and told him to call. At 2 p.m. tomorrow.

My insides just feel like they went thru a rollercoaster. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

COOK'S NOOK

A **MUSTSEE** when you visit Nanaimo!!!!

It is located in Port Place Mall - Best service from the ladies working there - I went in on a Saturday day and the ambience of the store is just FANTASTIC!!! They let you wander around -

What got us (I was with my friend Jenny) to detour to the store was Gemini and Pisces coffee mugs. On sale (sale bin outside of the front entranceway of the store) Which prompted us to wander thruout the store itself.

The first thing you notice is the EXTREME CLEANLINESS of the store itself. Then you begin to enjoy the brightness of each colour of each item of the store. Like RED IS RED. Blue is a STRONG blue. This store is NOT for the feint of heart. Loud/extreme brightness of colours.

I wanted to purchase these really elegant teapots - Which looked like cat teapots. With WHISKERS!!! But 42.99 (Not a sale item any time soon LOL)

I found thruout my wandering stainless steel skewers (wayyyyyy better than wooden ones - can be used over and over).

Then further wanderings and EXTREME ENJOYMENT I found myself towards the candles - Made with natural soy - WOW - AND the candles were on sale - I AM SOOOOO RETURNING again and again. Eucalyptus and Lilac were purchased. Eucalyptus being burnt as I type this.

Then found egg holders - Had to buy the cat AND the dog :)

You are able to move throughout the store freely - As both Jenny and I had backpacks on and felt free to carry them.

Everything is great priced, lots of sales. Lotsof colours and lotsof smiles from the staff.

I will be back. Again and again. My cashier was Lisa.

Cook's Nook
Kitchen & Gift
Jenny Ford, Owner
Tel. 250-754-8733
83 - 650 Terminal Avenue ((((PORT PLACE MALL)))
Nanaimo, B.C. V9R 5E2

Hey Dude -



Kewl that you are doing allot of riding too - but of a different sort.



What are you doing this weekend? I might be coming over tomorrow night for the Surrey Fireworks... The Nanaimo fireworks are on a big SCREEN they have placed in Nanaimo square (they are on the water but also on the screen if you want to watch it there) But I am trying to get ahold of my girlfriend Narda to connect with her and party in Surrey LOL Besides she would have wayyyy more booze HAH



Oh I got a part-time job - I am a Driver for the Local FoodBank - I am driving a Cube Van - LOOK OUT Nanaimo HAH Does not start until the 15th of July But it will be a blast - So being in the Army driving Military Vehicles gets me this job HAH



So no love life eh? Well the offer is there "on the table" FWB if you ever want to wander this way How about Tonight then we could zoom back tomorrow whatever time you would like to HAHAHAH Typical guy would be the FIRST FERRY crossing in the a.m. HAHAHAHAHA IDIOT LOL Today? I am probably just going to be gardening - I did my spring cleaning OMG I am such a packrat LOL But it's fun traipsing thru Thrift Stores - Great Fun. I think...



FriendsWithBenefits is the way to go - I did it with a guy in Victoria for 4 years - Actually 2 lol One was a very pretty boy OMG He was so pretty I found it almost painful to look at him Clone of Rob Lowe when he was young - I used to wander over to his place Like clockwork on Friday nights - He drove a blue pickup truck - I would wander into his place - 8 p.m. - Friday nights - Crook my finger at him, he'd follow me into his bedroom - I'd tape his mouth shut - Tie him to his bed and talk naughty to him, tell him in advance what I was going to do to him, how beautiful I thought he was - How very much I enjoyed being with him, etc etc How I enjoyed all of it - With him tied and mute, and yes, still shockingly beautiful, I would stay the night, until I got sleepy and he'd fall asleep - I'd untie him, leave the tape on, and leave. OMG Wasn't that the baddest? I never did learn his name or anything - OMG in retrospect BAD BAD BAD lol



Another guy? Named Andrew - I met thru placing a personal ad in a local newspaper The heading I chose was "MUST be a MAN'S MAN - NO WIMPS need apply" LOL And Andrew was like a Male God - Clone of any of the Baldwin boy actors - Could have been one of their "lost" brothers - In fact one time we were wandering all over Vancouver's West End - We met up with 4 very Gay men, and they promptly ignored me - Gushing over Andrew "Darling, if you want to cross over to the other side, BEAUTIFUL, I'll be gentle!!! In fact here's my card!!!!" I was no help as Andrew looked at me as these very flamboyent gay men surrounded him - In fact I was almost on the ground, LAUGHING, the look on his face and their apparent lust for him. HAHAHAHAH But he was beautiful "Back in the Day" But he was/is F'D up horribly - And f'd me up Further Got me or rather I let myself become hooked on a weekly fix of drugs and sex with him So I was his It ended miserably - But after 4 years? I cared, he did not as and I quote him, "You've gained weight, my penis can't get a hardon for you anymore." I was like OMG I am so a Nothing to him, AFTER 4 YEARS? In 4 years I had not met - Oh just a stupid rambling That was an oooooooops Relationship of mine - I just lusted after him BADLY - Loved rubbing up and down his hairiness LOL Now? He's probably bald, fat and wondering where all the young girls went Forgetting now he's 46 LOL



Oh one FWB dude that worked out for both of us - Rory - He even lived up to the Name - Preppy and rich and FUNNY as all get out - He was my night-time boss for Kabuki Kabs - The pedal cabs of Victoria? Rory just worked Friday and Saturday night sign in of the end of the shift which was anywhere from 3 a.m. - 5 a.m. Providing if you got a late night tour - Well one night I was the last cab in and I radioed in I had a tour to the Navy base - Drunk horny sailors So after hearing their banter to the base, I was tingling (Did not go for it LOL) I came into the Shop and there was Rory - Sitting at the desk, waiting for me to sign out off of the shift, smoking a big one, like a very bad Cheech and Chong moment - As I opened the door - WOOOOSH of smoke LOL



Which was hilarious because I had glimpsed Rory before - He did everything with flair - He was the 11th child of one of the Rich Families of Victoria (you see the Rich ones around) I had seen him zipping around in his Porsche - Thinking 'Whatever" LOL Rory had 2 or 3 degrees - Wait 2; Accounting and a Lawyer - Taken at the SAME TIME I was like f'g showoff LOL He had travelled Loved petite women/oriental, submissive - Travelled to the Orient to express his Kink side (I am skipping here) He was, when he was working on the weekends, writing a book - So while he waited for drivers to come in, he was typing away on his laptop - That all intrigued me - As I love the power and seduction of the word (as you can tell by my emails LOL)



Well back to how it all started - "The Night" Me totally oblivious - But Rory had fallen into lust into one of my Photos I placed in the Shop of one of my Lingerie fashion shows I was doing (Wanted the boys to come and "Enjoy the Show" LOL - hence the poster) I was 25, a size 2 (Think Halle Berry size - I had her body once LOL)



So I am walking in to the Shop office and noticed the smell of the smoke, as I entered, and Rory was there, with his laptop and the BIGGEST joint hanging out of his mouth, which made me re-evaluate him - So the Prep rich boy SMOKES? OMG lol



I entered, asked if all the cabs were in and that I would like to sign off my shift.



He slid the book to me, but stopped mid-desk and said, "You have to do something first."



I was like huh? Not thinking that the Rich, Prep ever noticed me - One who struggled thru ONE degree at University Never mind on my 3rd/Literature was to be his next one. After he published his book.



I looked at Rory and he was dressed in a Suit. Tie, hanging loosely, around his neck. Think JFK, Jr. attire. That kind of look. Remember Rory was a world-traveller, he "fit" in anywhere. Preps do.



I stood before him, not knowing what his next sentence would be.



"I want to taste all of you on this desk. Then you can sign out. Oh and all the doors are locked. I made sure BEFORE you, THE BEAUTY came in."



I was like THE BEAUTY? I just laughed internally. No man had ever called me beautiful before. It just hit me right there, that even living with someone for 5 years he had never given me a compliment. Just accepted me. Needless to say, With that "corny" line I was Rory's.



Yep we did everything on that desk. I can still remember climbing onto that desk, removing Rory's tie and murmuring to him, whispering in his ear, how his suit was much too cumbersome LOL



Again 4 years later, Rory and I were Sunday lovers. We christened every cab that night/morning LOL 45 cabs 45 different stereos LOL Music IS an aprhodisiac LOL I wore his tie home that night LOL Him leaving in his Porsche, me riding home on my Bike LOL



It was hilarious 4 years - How Rory would do the seduction was he would leave me notes at the shop, saying he would like me to write a story of what I would like our next seduction to be Where? When? (Sundays only) His family home was one of the Condos on the waterfront of Victoria - OMG the view from his bed there!!!!! Planes landing, sailboats setting out to sea, as I screamed his name - Mmmmmmmm - I would write the story - Drop it off at his family home - One time his MOTHER came down and I was to tell her it was one of Rory's school assignments his missed. She totally believed me (As I looked like a bike courier LOL) Meanwhile she was basically handling son's next sex-ploit LOL



We were at the Empress one night - Remember Rory has too much cash LOL I was his Toy of Current - I would write the WHERE and he would make it happen. Once in his porsche - enroute - That was horrible LOL No room Stupid stickshift LOL and We moved it into neutral or we began moving LOL More than just US lol



Rory followed me to Vancouver - But I had met Andrew by then - And Rory I had never "felt" anything for - It was because he was everything I "wanted" And I just thought he would NEVER get serious over me - THE "GOOF" I could never calm down enough to sit still at a family dinner for 13? Mom & Dad made 13 lol OMG? And they wore their family cash very easily. Me? I loved zooming around on my bike, doing art and being spontaneous. His family was about Succeeding and BIG TIME. One of his brother's I met? Was a producer of a weekly tv show (Laura Dern acted in it) His brother smiled at me, winked at Rory - I totally understood the wink, Meaning? She's hot. I was like So you are Rory's brother. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Then Rory would lick my ear and I had forgotten all about any brother LOL



So it was my internalized fucked up brain that did not let me LIKE Rory beyond Physical. He would phone me up and ask if I was doing ok I was like why not? He was like Move in with me - Which was the 33rd floor of some condo Actually those condos right downtown They are THE ADDRESS of Vancouver Twin Towers I can't remember the names of them, but they are on Burrard and are Twins. Boys/Valets greet you at the door, buzz you in, etc. etc.



Actually I did move in with Rory for 48 hours - I used every excuse in the book WHY NOT - I had a dog, etc etc He said Condo takes dogs in fact the Valets would even walk the dog for me on schedule I was like OMG lol So on a Friday I moved in Sunday my dog peed in a corner, as I lounged in Rory's kingsize bed, moritified, but purring LOL I just felt all the feelings of being trash (All that men/FATHER FIGURES) had said i.e. You will never have a relationship you are TRASH TRASH TRASH



I started crying HUGE SOBS and Rory curled around me (all 6'2 of him) and smoothed my hair and everything and touched me, softly, cooing in my ear, what's wrong MY BEAUTY? That had become his nickname for me...



I said Oh this is not going to work, my dog peed in the corner, you are THE BEAUTY, you are smart, 3 degrees, I am struggling thru one, I want you, I am scared, MYDOGPISSEDINTHECORNER of your beautiful condo - Ruining the PERFECTNESS of it, I will ruin you, your life, I will OHIT'SNOTGOINGTOWORK



Full out crying - Him saying Shhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhhh, My sister brought her poodle here a few weeks ago and it peed in the very same spot and your dog smellt it THAT'S ALL



I climbed out of bed and left - CRYING ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS realizing I loved him and I was so inadequate and not realizing how much Rory loved me too.



I spiralled out of control, after that, Rory "found" me 2 years later, stripping in a local club, he nearly dropped his drink - Staring up at my blank face - Knowing I was high. He slammed down 500$ for a private dance and spent the time in the private room, screaming at me - I did not hear him, blitzed on alcohol and coke.



He invited me to his condo and I brought my Madam with me - She was a creation - Nothing was real. Hair colour to painted toenails But she was petite and hot. I knew she was his "type" He noticed I was high and with someone Who I coldly told him EXACTLY who she was - And he promptly gave her a big french kiss in front of me.



Both of us very hurt and hurting. Not knowing how to proceed.



I have not seen him since. Will I ever? Again? I know where he lives. Same condo. Same phone number. But years have gone by.



Wow what a ramble.



There you got a stoned ramble. LOL



Now you can tell me your relationships of past. Rory was my last. You? You've told me minimal and I tell you too much.



I have turned on Robbie Robertson Love his music. What is your favourite music? Mine is Native music. New Wave. Love being Part Native. Drums. Mmmmmmm...



Guess I am just missing a man in my life and you keep on saying no. LOL Boring But I do enjoy your stories LOL Of the minuteness you tell me of your relationships.



Well I am home today - If you feel like a ferry ride. LOL I am just doing laundry OMG freaking boring HAH A long way from Porsches and nakedness LOL



Take care, your friend,

Hello -

I have allot to write tonight and I am just going to close my eyes and type - So before I begin - Forgive the typo's LOL

Right now I am Xnumber of age and wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overweight... The last longterm relationship that I had was with a man named Andrew Rolf William Mc09837 (hint on the rest of the name - english rock band, lead singer GAY and DEAD lol) Why did we break up? Right after sex... When I was in that cuddly/warm feely moment right after SCREAMING his name (probably ALL of them AND his lastname HAH) He stated, "I want to break up with you - "

"Pardon - - ?"

"End this."

"Oh?" Trying not to CRY loudly at this point. "Why??"

"You have gained weight and I don't think my penis can get hard for you anymore."

Something inside of me shut down inside. This was a man I ran towards to see, whenever he beckoned me - With a phone call, a smile, a card, or whatever means of communication was his choice at that moment.

A big part of me died that day.

But recently? The rest of me died inside when I had a fight with my Father - He stated he could not stand looking at me, be near me, BECAUSE I WAS A FAT, LAZY WHORE.

Hmmmmmmmmmm, I heard a statement once that you are most strongly attracted to MEN LIKE YOUR FATHER. Hmmmmmmmmm, true in my case.

Emotionally unavailable men. Yep I found them. By the truckload.

When Mr. Andrew broke up with me I was 145 lbs and I think I gained another 145 in just 24 hours. The amount of alcohol and ice cream I ate the next 24 hours.

But I know the moment I completely died inside, my Father sent me a letter when I turned 30 telling me how WORTHLESS I was as when he turned 30 he had bought his Mother a house, had his own 3rd car, owned 2 houses outright (of his own) and on and on ABOUT HIS MATERIAL POSSESSIONS.

So once again I felt worthless in the person's eyes that I thought was God himself. My Daddy made the sun shine, rise and be in the sky. Yes DAD=GOD for me.

Currently? No men in my life - Not even my Father who is God.

No sex for me or rather any personal relationship for me for like forever.

The last man I reached out to? His name was Jeff - I thought he was wonderful - You guessed it - Another emotionally UNAVAILABLE man. But cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute as a Button. Hot. Hot enough physically to be in a rock band. Vancouver rock band. Hot enough to prance on a stage, 80's style long hair, pouty lips and the requisite TIIIIIIGHT pants. Minus the Billy Idol snarl. Because Jeff's lips were his giveaway to his soul. His lips portrayed what he was feeling at the moment. His lips could not lie. Physically that is. They had a life of their own. I loved to trace his lips with my fingertips. The most beautiful lips I have ever touched, kissed or felt on my body.

Mick Jagger would be jealous of Jeff's lips. And yes, his lips tasted me.

Tomorrow? I am setting my alarm clock and saying Fuck you all men. And I am going to become that Hot Mama I am Meant to Be. And Daddy? Fuck You especially for NOT being there for me.

Currently or ever. Emotionally. The most pure love there is - Is the love between a Daddy and His Daughter. Why so many fucking corny Country music songs have been about Daddy's Little Girl. Every fucking woman on this planet began as Daddy's Little Girl.

So yeah, I am ridding myself of the Negative Imagery men I have fucked, been fucked by, been fucked over by, and that INCLUDES YOU "DEAREST DADDY" - I don't need you - Like you don't "NEED" me. Or acknowledge me.

It's a FUCKED UP WORLD where your Dearest Daddy is a 4 or 5 time Multi-millionaire and you, yourself grab welfare and don't know where your next meal is coming from - Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

NOT.

Where Your "DEAREST" FUCKING DADDY - is a Daddy DEAREST to your step-sister Putting her Wedding on Spending over 100K on HER wedding - Where your DEAREST DADDY has you over for Xmas and you SILENTLY watch YOUR DEAREST STEP-SISTER get 15 XMAS presents while you get a FUCKING VACCUUM cleaner - She gets shoes, clothes, journals, cd's, XBOX, - - you get a FUCKING VACCUUM -

Well I finally explosded tonight - The FUCKING vaccuum cleaner is out in MY DRIVEWAY with a sign saying FREE FREE FREE - Hopefully it's gone, gone, gone, by the time I wake up -

DEAREST DADDY - If you care to know - My step-father and my Biological Mother - my up-bringing BECAUSE you divorced my Biological Mommy - to leave me with an Ex-Hutterite step-father which I called Nazi-WANNABE as he beat me with a 3 inch thick belt - DAILY - Thanks for leaving me to THAT DEAREST DADDY - Did you feel better each time you wrote me a Birthday cheque for thousands as I grew up? Did it? Make YOU FEEL BETTER?

My biological Mother TURNED ON THE FUCKING VACCUUM SO SHE WOULD NOT HEAR THE BELT connect to my naked skin - Yes I said NAKED SKIN. Y'see? I had to get naked - to receive the daily beltings - Hmmmmmmmm, so go figure I can't stand vaccuuming as an adult.

So HAPPY FUCKING FATHER'S DAY. Enjoy spending your MILLIONS on who? This Father's Day.

I am sure Beloved Step-sister WILL send you a card - She has to keep up the facade of BEING THAT PERFECT DAUGHTER so you "continue" to pay for her +100K wedding.

You, DEAREST DADDY, who married a woman, who 3 days before your wedding I asked IF she loved you, MY DEAREST DADDY, her replY? With a bitter laugh, she told me, ILOVEYOURFATHER'SMONEY.

Good on ya.

Good on both of you.

Am I bitter?

I am not a lover of MONEY.

I enjoy Money. But I don't LOVE it the way you 3 do.

But tomorrow? My catharsis begins.

The fat, worthless me is leaving the coccoon of comfortable fat. And saying FUCKYOU to the world as I shed the weight.

Look out world, I have seen the light.

And my light does not originate no longer from you, DEAREST DADDY or any other Penis.

Freud had it so wrong. Penis envy? HARDLY.

Never in fact.

Not once.

Good Bye DEAREST DADDY.

So long.

The ME you have known for so long, has died tonight.

Even a new name is going to burst forth. What? It will be, I am unsure. But it will be ORIGINAL.

Like me.

it happens

when u can be still

insidefor an hour

just breathe

allow the light

it will happen

-rosie o'donnell

www.rosie.com

I have always been a fan of Rosie's - The only time that I disagreed with her was her adulation of "Tommy" Ewwwwwwwwww LOL

But I watched The View the other day - And was in shock - EH would not answer Rosie's direct question - EH sidestepped, double-spoke and whatnot...

Am I a fat lesbian communist for agreeing with Rosie? No to all of the above. I would say I am "bi-curious" as I understand women loving women - In fact I "fell in love" with a beautiful woman ONCE in my life - Deborah a goddess.

Although I am not slim, would not label myself as "fat". But I enjoy Rosie. For her being her and enjoying her size and not becoming the Hollywood Elite of Anorexics. She stands firm in being her size. Bravo Rosie. Big time (pardon the pun!!!)

Communist? Me? Hardly. I am Canadian LOL! Sorry, couldn't resist.

When I do vote, I vote for GreenPeace. This world needs to WAKEUP. Badly.

If I were honoured by Rosie herself, actually reading this (as if!) I would love for her and her family to take a respite here on Vancouver Island. I would introduce her to REAL CANADIAN BEER. hahahaha

I strongly think that Rosie and her family should just "takeoff" for a holiday and I think my home and town would be best for her holiday.

To just "disappear" for a bit.

I agree with Rosie's views.

The View will have ratings sliiiiiiiiiiiide.

Rosie stay strong,

A Fan,

CharleneAnn

Okay I just had the WIERDEST all-time dream - Here goes;

I was in a large room, large banquet table - One side (closest to door) the long side, me than opposite end (again long end) Charlie, to the right of me (left of Charlie), a therapist.

I am there to give answers to Charlie's drawings (OMG??? WHY ME? LOL) So he hands me some signs - One says 'For Rent - 1 Year Here' Charlie had penned in the word Here. And other drawings. 4 pieces for me to "analyze" or rather, critique. Of which the therapist, would "listen" to my answers. For further insight to Charlie's psyche.

Seems my background was that I am the girl down the block, who had grown up "near" Charlie's childhood house. But I was too young for him to consider as a "Girlfriend" and that was quite entenched into his way of thinking by the time I was an adult. No changing Charlie's mind!!! Although in my mind, I had been "with" Charlie several, if not hundreds, of times **EVIL GRIN**

Charlie was the charmer throughout the 45 minute meeting, and smiled at me often, and listened to my answers, never interrupting me, sometimes raising an eyebrow to my words. My biggest confession was that I idolized him from afar, never had the guts to seriously approach him. i.e. Could I actually "sleep with him"? Hell no, all gutsiness would fail me. As I got THATCLOSE to my "Idol". To that he outright shook his head. On the word Idol. Guess he does not like that particular word.

Would I "sleep" with Charlie Sheen, if presented? I think I would love 48 hours WITH Charlie Sheen. And I would be a follower - Yeah awestruck. Wow I am "in" Charlie Sheen's world - Be it even minutely. But I AM THERE!!!! Did that answer the question? He would have to do the moving and the shaking because I would just be there - I could not see myself being the aggressor. But once asked? Ummmmmmmmmm, lot'sa tequila the first time LOL 2nd time? My turn HAHAHAHA

YeahRight.

Where did this dream come from? WHO KNOWS. But Charlie has always been my Favourite Bad Boy of Hollywood - I think the whole Sheen family would be a hoot to sit down with at the Dinner table - If they ever ALL get together for such a thing. The topics would be INTERESTING, NEVER boring.

I just wanted to say today,

I had the most wonderful of days -

In a long, long time...

It was the first day that it did not hurt deep down within -

From the rejection of my Beloved Daddy/Father...

The man I told everyone who "Walked on Water"

And there was NO doubt in my Mind.

Ever.

Until

Our Fight.

I have forgiven him His

Flaws.

So Finally Glaringly Obvious.

Obviously...

He has not Forgiven

Me

Mine.

Why was today so very wonderful?

I volunteered today

At the Salvation Army

and it made me feel

Golden,

Wonderful

A great Person.

Looking around and appreciatting my Life.

It is good and my Greater Power

Provides when we needed it - Never before.

I am ending my day watching my ALL-TIME favourtie Movie'

Sweet November.

The character Keanu Plays is my Dream man...

Exactly in Looks and in being...

When Keanu wishes her Merry Xmas and present all those gifts on ThanksGiving Day...

That man I would fall for.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Until I find "that" man I am...

Single...

With a sweet P.S.

I am writing to Mo Worsfold tomorrow -

Sending him an anonymous card and inviting him to my HOME -

To experience Me, in my Element, of my Beautiful Garden and

hopefully he will arrive

One

Day

Soonest.

-charleneann

"charann"

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Hello -

Angels come in varying shapes, and visitations.

Recently, i.e. in the past few months, I have had a massive (on my Father's side, at least) verbal fight.

What "was"/is my Father to me? I was Daddy's little girn who looked upon him as if He walked on water. You can ask anyone that has ever known me - and they would agree with that assessment BIG TIME.

But we've had a verbal altercation in January of this year, and I have not heard ANYTHING from him (anything being emails, letter or personal visits.)

But I have not been blue at all. As this altercation has forced me to reach out to others and "create" my own family.

Slowly but surely I have made a new friend, across the way... Jo and Len. I call them my Surprise Angels. We visit back and forth all the time...

So smile... Instead of being blue... Easter was great... Jo made dinner and so I was not alone. THANKS FOR MY blessingS. Today this day of Easter.

Well I really don't understand the book 'The Secret" but how I understood it was to put forth a thought "out there" and to focus solely on it.

Which is what I did with regards to my Wooden frame futon - My father gave it to me "broken" which he haphazzardly put it togtether - Regular white glue rather than carpenter's glue etc etc

So rather than focusing on the negative What a damned situation??? Giving me a BROKEN &%$&%# futon??? Like come on???? I focused on that I would like a NON-BROKEN futon frame -

That is where the above picture comes in - Minus the VERY UGLY cushions HAH (Only photo I could find online) But I found on Craig's List Nanaimo a FREE BLACK METAL FRAME!!!! FREE!!!! Woooo woooo So if that is the Secret in action IT WORKS!!!!

WILD.

I found this REALLY KEWL web page; www.bored.com/drawthings/

The premise being, you draw what you are feeling at this particular moment, and you save it. You answer a few questions about your artwork, and have it analyzed.

Mine was "Love is Poetry" And here is the Analysis;

Your personality analysis based on this drawing:You are well organized. You plan each step carefully to avoid mistakes. You are efficient in your work.You are ambitious.You are intuitive. You follow your hunches. You have a high level of awareness.You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are cool and reserved.You are a talkative person.You are an independent person and do not depend other peoples' opinions.

ron wrote:

I had the kids this weekend... but one of these weekends, I will surprise you... Well you will more than likely know "i'm comin' " ...

HAHAHAHAHA CUUUUUUUUUUTE -

well i spent the day riding my bike all around n- and discovering its "old town" it has renovated a whole section of downtown really quite spectacular... discovered a really kewl coffeeshop run by a mermaid **GRIN** IF you make it over it's a MUST-SEE www.gypsymermaid.com/mermaid%27smug.htm I believe is the web page...

Tonight you missed TEXAS CHILLI made from scratch - Mmmmmmmmmm Good and HOT With cheese bread/toast... YUMMY so you missed that and pan fried potatoes made in the mornin with eggs over easy... So Char in a cookin' mood happens SPORADICALLY you missed out BIG TIME hahaha

Oh and I did yard work it was such a glorious day over here - Did you have such glorious weather your way too? What did you do with your kids? 2 right? 1 of each? You've never told me their names so they are "The Kids" HAH I bought some flowers/Tullips - pink and so my place is lookin' quite "spring-like"

But I do need a man around the house (in more ways than one HAH) As my futon frame promptly EXPLODED one side LOL Besides throwin' it out - Don't want to do that - Tryin to figure out how to extend it's life by FIXIN' it - Me? I am VERY GOOD at breakin' things - Repairin? OMG no. LOL Why I am finishing an ARTS DEGREE in September LOL I can call it ART hahahaha

Well my handsome friend - You are invited ANYTIME over here - Oh I know what I wanted to ask you - Do you have anyone to cheer you at your Finish line? For your Run/Vancouver Sun Run? If not, Ummmmmmmmmm - HELLO. I'm not a runner - But I have done cycling Marathons and I do know that it's great to have someone "there" at the end. So if you need a cheerleader - Just takes an invitation - I could even drive your lazy ass back to your place HAHAHAHA After too. And perhaps COOK. If the whine is loud enough HAH So there ya go.

Hope you are well - Going to your Meetings? I went last week for the first time in a long time - Because I took the wrong bus before that and felt foolish and then didn't go. Foolishness is not a feeling I seek. But I have figured it out LOL I THINK.

Well hugs to you from Me and the polka-dotted one named Bandit.

DavidJames

as I remember him...

Another one of my Dreams -

Starring - Myself, My first love DavidJames, and background actors, standing in a line at a movie theater, waiting to get in. Oh and my cousin Cheryl-Lynn (who lives in Winnipeg whereas I live in B.C. so it's wierd that it is her that I am waiting in line for the movie???) But who understands the WHY of Dreams

Cheryl-Lynn and I are waiting to get into a movie, most likely Action LOL or a lead male character that is Hottttttt **EVIL GRIN** When there is a lull in our conversation. I glance around, trying to appear rather "cool" and not drooling over some of the young boy-men that are in the line-up. I am enjoying the scenery of males, glancing at the overall looks - Up/Down, up/down and a grin at Cheryl-Lynn when I see one that is Yummy-Delicious!!

I say to her, "Mmmmmm, I like the one 3rd from the front, in a black/white sweat-jacket, open, over stone-washed jeans, with the VERY curly dark hair."

I must have said it louder than I thought, as he turned to smile at me - When I then noticed his very blue eyes. Then SHOCKING recognition!!

I step towards him, and whisper, "DavidJames - - "

It is like that slow-motion moment of so many cheesy movies - It seemed that time, indeed, did stand still. DavidJames still had his curls. But he was dressed so very different. Zippered open sweat-jacket, over a white t-shirt and a chain, hanging down over his chest. I am transfixexd.

He is walking towards me, "CharleneAnn - - "

With the Ann, barely escaping his lips, he reaches his hands deep into my hair and pulls me towards him. I know it is My first love DavidJames as it was only him that kissed me that way - With force and pull and desire and I feel enveloped by his desire. I feel his other arm wrapping around me, and I curl my right leg around his thigh.

Everywhere in my body I feel his kiss. All too soon, the kiss ends, and we say together, "Oh, how I've missed you!!!!"

I am barely breathing, and suddenly I remember - - "DavidJames - I want you to meet my cousin - Cheryl-Lynn - - "

The dream ends there.

Okay explain LOL Interpret. LOL Wierd. Now I really want to go to a MOVIE in Nanaimo here HAHAHAHAHA Like as if - My first-love IS DavidJames and Yes, he is from Nanaimo - But he has moved on - To North Vancouver - I am sure he BARELY remembers me???? But that kiss was SO VERY FREAKING REAL in the dream. OMG I could feel it LITERALLY in every fiber of my being. Mmmmmmmm - And it was DavidJames' way of kissing me - With force and pull - Both at the same time - Mmmmmmm -

Shit if anyone knows DavidJames Rayner of North Vancouver - Tell him that CharleneAnn would take him back in a heartbeat and she is back in their shared hometown - Nanaimo - To finish her degree - Come September -

DavidJames??? If you are reading this I can be found at the email of landscapersrule@yahoo.ca and I would take you back in a heartbeat. Miss your Kiss(es) and smile, desire and OMG those blue blue eyes. That I could never get anything over. Mmmmm I miss you bad. Find me again - I MISS YOU.

CharleneAnn's Application to be Inside the Box

Education:
some college/university

Are you a member of ACTRA?
no

Favourite Movie:

Dying Young

Favourite Current TV show:

Grey's Anatomy

What was your favourite TV show growing up?

Charlie's Angels or Starsky and Hutch

If you could go on a reality TV show, which one would you most like to be on?
Does Deal or No Deal count? LOL I REALLY think that SURVIVOR needs a TRUE CANADIAN on it "Pick me!!!" To kick some a$$

Which TV character are you most like?
Phoebe Cates from Friends

What's the Best Job you've ever had:
Singing Telegrams or Kabuki Kab Operator/Victoria B.C.

Describe the Worst Job you've ever had:
Landscaper

Most embarrassing moment:
Being on The Danny Show Nahhhhh Danny Bonaduce is cool.

Name your favourite celebrity scandal:
Rob Lowe and the underage scandal - like OUCH???

Why do you want to be a contestant?
I think that I would win EASILY. Oh can I add that my ALL TIME FAVOURITE BAND IS KISSSSSS??? If Paul Stanley "magically appeared" on the show, while I was on???? I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SPEAK LITERALLY. He's a male god in my books.

Hobbies (if any):
Cycling, pets, gardening, a closet computer geek, cooking, friends, life. Art...

Have you ever appeared on a television game show? If yes, which one?
Not a game show, but a Talk Show; The Danny Show starring Danny Bonaduce

Did you audition for season 1 of Inside The Box?
no

Would you like to be contacted by partners of the show, or regarding future Lone Eagle Entertainment productions?
no