Hey, Contest Blogger is giving away a romantic $100 gift certificate for Valentine’s Day. All you have to do is link back to their homepage free samples WWW.CONTESTBLOGGER.COM and to Good Clean Love WWW.GOODCLEANLOVE.COM increase libido.

Okay being SINGLE and Valentine's soonest... Would **LOVE** to win a Valentine's Contest and Feel Pampered EVEN IF I am single LOL

www.funkroberts.com
2 Thumbs Down for this website as I was "picked" as a November winner of 50$ Thru a variety of emails and questions, on my part, is that Where is my winnings? He repeatedly assured me that "The cheque was in the Mail A LONG TIME AGO."

Well it is now February, basically, and I have not received that cheque. Lost in the mail? Perhaps. But I also have Paypal, and offered Paypal to receive the winnings. But that was not accepted by him, and he reassured me that a "new" cheque would be issued and once, again, "in the mail."

So I, being an avid contestor, and enjoy WINNING AND RECEIVING, my winnings. Tell other contestors to pass this site, to enter his contest, as I will say that you DO NOT receive your cash/cheque

BOO to Funk Roberts and his "contest"

2 THUMBS DOWN.

Mo:

Yah Yah you guessed rightly who(m) it was/is whatever... I just wanted to say that I would like a straightup chance with you To hang out, whatever... You met me at a very UNHAPPY time at my life - I would like to get to know you Mo and you to get to know me Basically HangOut and go from there I think you would like the Char HAPPY that you would meet 250-7 2 Road N I bought my place, it's a fixer upper and I would like to fill it with friends And you I would be very proud of to have as my VERY GOOD friend Bandit and MeowMeow my Ragdoll kitty would be very happy to welcome you into our home WHENEVER Still painting Call or visit sometime Take care of you, Charlene The cut and dry of it I think we both have allot in common - Love to cycle, ride fast bikes/me skidoos LOL I love art, would love to share that with you... Tons of things more... I could share with you over time AND the basis being? I genuinely LIKE Mo always have... There it is in a nutshell..

RE - www.therollingexhibition.com

I saw your story on 20/20 and my first reaction was basically what you captured in your photography - yes a stare.

Then it put my life into a Dimmer switch. My second reaction was I would never have been the person you are with the life's body form that you have been given. Travel the world? Take photos? Ski? Hardly I would have been in a room, alone and very dark.

Then an hour after I watched the show and then read your web page - I could not stop crying - I am overweight and now the weight loss is achievable. You can proudly travel the world AND document it AND be on tv? And smile through it all? I CAN LOSE WEIGHT.

Thank you. If you are ever in British Columbia Canada, travelling or what not/book signings etc etc I would love to know that you are and I would love to be able to say hello, shake your hand and say Thank you. You inspired me and I have bookmarked your webpage and will check in - BIG TIME.

Thank you, you inspired another human being.

Ms. Charlene

Dear Aunty -

Thank you very much for your letter. It was a pleasant surprise to the start of the New Year of 2008.

Matthew will be Mr. clan “teacher soon – Yikes LOL Wow – Wish I could sit in the back of the room and raz him unmercifully on his first day, if not first week. **BIG GRIN**

And Cameron – What can I say there? I really think the boy is Adopted HAH Found in a cornfield somewhere, right? A 2nd what? Dr. clan in the bunch. Wow, and I think you said he was in Emergency this past summer? Well all I can say there is Winnipeg has it's own Dr. McDreamy in the making... Still waiting for my Red Car – a Mrs. Cameron clan would have been a welcome addition to the family LAST summer HAH


My news? I am just writing to say that I will no longer be accepting letters from anything clan – For how long? As long as it is best for me and my personal wellbeing and health, which is looking like forever, basis being my Counsellor and myself. Or visits, or phone communications or whatnot. Although, & I am sad to say, I could count on ONE hand the communications MY way, to MY PERSONAL number in 20 years. I will take credit, only so much. And then walk. Remove my expectations of anyone clan. And I won't extend myself either.

I will miss you forever and what I will forever call “The Boys – But it is best for me and my personal well being. To walk away COMPLETELY.

Dan has distanced himself from me, and I am owning up to it being allot of my fault. Waited too long for counselling and the damage was done – There are a million of a reasons why Dan and I experienced our final break – I have not talked or seen my biological male parent since February 2007, after horrible words burst forth from his lips.

Which made me seek INTENSE counselling for the last year. Which has taught me that distance is best for me, too. I am changing my name, right now trying to figure out how it can be financed by the Government and Mental Health Services. My counsellor is working on that with me.

In all honesty, I just wanted one clan to stop ONCE in Vancouver to visit me when ONE clan flew out to Dan's home. As the Lower Mainland was enroute to Vancouver Island. But no Not once. I have forgiven all of you. Why visit a Niece? Cousin? Etc Etc when you could have a Much Better time in many ways at Dan's place. Financially especially. The meals would not be as expensive nor would the accomendations be as fantastic either. Yeah Don't visit the Poor Relation, when you can IMMEDIATELY visit riches LOL.

I reached out to every clan so many times. Calling, inviting and always I had to visit AT DAN'S place. It never made sense to me logically. But through the intense counselling I have experienced in the last year, I have forgiven the Lot of you for NEVER visiting me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Like this time, Big Time.

Your very last line of your letter made me feel that I could be honest with you. I have along time ago said goodbye to Uncle John. Through counselling. Lots of hours. It has made me re-evaluate everything, question all that has gone before re clan. And see what it is EXACTLY that MOI needs.

I require people in my life that I communicate with and visit, and they visit me and share things, JOYFULLY and what not. More than once/year and at a designated place, by others, I always was proud of my homes, and I am very proud of my home NOW and that is why I am going to protect it by inviting people that are of equal EMOTIONAL stance as me, for them.

This is basically a letter stating that I loved you and The Boys as the best of the clan But please understand, I have to choose to do what's good for me, Aunty. I hope you will find it in your heart to grant me this decision.

No this is not a Cry for Help. Quite the opposite I am at a Strength that I have not felt since I was 20 and I (stress on the I) decided that I WANTED to move to B.C. And start another adventure/chapter in my life.


Dan has his “Perfect” family now – I just detract from it. I will bet you if you asked him Name 5 things about Moi – He probably could not. Other than the superficial things. Obvious first glance things. Deeper things? Nope. I will take only so much credit for besmirching the “relationship – I never really forgave him for leaving me to such a cruel, barbaric home. Daddy's are supposed to take care of their little girl's, aren't they? That is a wound I will carry. Could he overcome such a hurdle? I can't see it. Nor can I forgive him for his words said the last time we were together. Nope, can't see it.

I've reached out to Dan recently after not talking for what? Almost a year, and his response? I don't know when I will have time for you Char. Then went onto state that step-sister Chelsea blah... blah... blah.., but he could NOT visit his blood daughter whom he drives by to go to work. I am walking. You somewhat have the story, incomplete, be it that it is.

I love every family member of this clan there is. But I just never “got” y'all. And yep, never felt “included” so I no longer have the desire to want to, or rather have the need to.

Yes, no longer the expectation of “One Day a relative will drive up to my Home ON THEIR OWN and be ecstatic to see Me. Without the Dan background. I so FREAKING more than Dan's DAUGHTER sheesh I never felt acknowledged as my own Separate person, around any of you. I was just ONE DIMENSIONAL – MUST be experienced ONLY at Dan's.

Best of luck to you and I know The Boys will rock the world. Why not? Look who their parents are. Hahahahahaha

Respect my wishes and do not forward this to Dan. It all has been discussed with him, name change and distancing and my health etc etc Mutual agreement, all.

Ms. C

Well today was a very relaxing day... Shopping day...

Addicted to shopping... BIG TIME... It is my aphrodisiac LOL Of life itself... Went to a bookstore and bought a book of spells... Will read that at a later date... BIG TIME...

Then wandered over to a local thrift store... With my pal Larry, older gent and hilarious...

What I bought at the Thrift store was a really kewl pottery - What made it kewl was the fact that it ws painted like 2 fishes, facing opposite. Like my Sign of Pisces. Totally Me.

Also I bought a hanging hook and it is a LARGE flower - Which is what I made my dining area to be the theme of Plants and Flowers - I am going to use the hook to hang Bandit's leash Right by the door, so it's perfect...

Love thrift stores...

Oh and a cover for my IPOD Nano so it won't get scratched... Sparkly PINK... Totally kewl, if not outright pretty hahahaha

Also groceries - I have decided to go Vegetarianism - To lose my weight. So far 2 days in a row - Wish me luck.

Totally a Me Day Needed.

Okay, okay one of my New Year's Resolutions was to write in my blog DAILY - Oooooops I missed ONE day WON'T occur again.

Today is a day that I will head "Men Cannot Be Understood EVER" Let me give the example why;

I have known this male person off and on in my life and then not for like ever. In the interim that I did not know him he was an extreme drug addict - But then again, any drug abuse IS extreme - So bad for him, that I believe he was homeless, a street person and yes, was dragged into court. Where he stated publicly when the judge reprimanded him, that of late he was keeping his "nose clean" Bitter, sad sarcasm for his extreme cocaine use. The judge, needless to say, was NOT amused.

So with that known as his life's background, I wrote to him, via an email, asking him if he was okay, as I had not heard from him for about 2 weeks?

His reply? I don't know why you are freaking out I went to Kelowna for Xmas. WHATEVER on that note.

Men? As that author so CORRECTLY stated... ARE from MARS. Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr out.

Am I concerned about this male ANYMORE? HARDLY.

Blah.

http://www.thisismychevrolet.ca/Default.aspx?VehicleCardId=4580

Okay the THRID day of painting and I am at a CONFUSION point...

I have hired this carpenter thru an ad that he had online/locally and today... He told me last night that he would be here at Noon to do the work that I requested for him to do toay (strip the paint from front door) and strip the paint from the window for the wall in plant room and repaint sea green...

It is now 220 p.m. and I have not heard a PEEP from him, nor is he answering his phone/cell... I have never hired a "carpenter" before so do not know how to proceed from this point?

Just sitting here confused So I am guessing that all that will be done will be the PAINTING that I am doing myself?

The wierd thing is the carpenter gave me a ride last night for groceries... And to make room in his little truck he left his tools here (bandsaw and stuff) in my storage room/mud room and there they sit???

WTF?

What's that saying? If you want to do it well? Best? Do it yourself? BLAH

Well back to PAINTING I go... WHICH I AM DOING MYSELF and well I might add...

Oh CONHFUSION REIGNS

blah

So far I have painted the PRIMER Yayyyyyy But as I do so I am feeling GREAT!!! Goodbye UGLY FLOWERED WALLPAPER!!!

Things that I have learned so far painting the PRIMER within my bathroom -

Perhaps I should have taped everything off LOL - PERHAPS it is easier than wiping off paint flyoffs everywhere - - > Like onto the wall mirrors ((Which MIGHT be disappearing in this overhaul like WHO wants to look at themselves IN THE TUB? OMG lol) Ummmmm - Not me.

Easier to paint everything WHITE rather than paint around it Example; Shelving over the tub LOL No longer FAUX wood now WHITE primer/stain HAHAHAHA

Does one realize how frigging hard it is to paint AROUND a toilette? ARGHHHHH

Keeping a dog out of a room you are painting is easier than keeping a cat out of the room.

The clothes that you begin painting in, by your best efforts will become covered Hence COVERALLS are a necessary item in a painter's world.

Hair MUST be a ponytail or else instead of frosted hair PAINTED hair and BADLY.

Perhaps the tub should be painted too? LOL

How heavy should the PRIMER be on the walls? I still have not figured that one out.

I am painting instead of sleeping - go figure.

Coffee and painting should be required daily highs HAHAHAHA

I want a certain fellow to help me paint and he's saying NO so far - Like why? LOLOLOL Aren't women bewitching in painter coveralls? Like come onnnnnn hahahaha

Should I or should I not smoke weed while I paint? That is the question of the day.

Should I dare to do laundry in the bathroom/laundry room that I am currently painting? That is the question.

Wow it's going to be SHOCKING white in here LOL I can tell that already from the Primer/Stain. Yayyyyy CHANGE IS MARVELOUS.

Tunes are a MUST while painting.

IPODS are GREAT for painting - Hey Apple want a painter girl to be in your next commercial? I am sooooo there!!!

Textured look for the bathroom? Nooooo, JUST the bedroom.

Well - that's it for now -

Painter Char, OUT.
Day2

I have decided to renovate my place. I will be taking photos as it progresses. What I am doing right now is CLEANING/WASHING the walls with that TSP stuff? Is that what it is called. Have painter coveralls on YAYYYYY LOL

Then going to paint everything/where it is UGLLLLLLLLY wallpaper SHOCKING white colour. Which I am REALLY excited about. I can't wait. I am wanting to BRIGHTEN up the interior. So that is the goal. Photos to follow.

Mannnnnn I can't see how PAINTERS do this day in day out HAHAHAHAHA HARD LABOUR... Big time. I have not done HARD LABOUR since my 20's But I think that this will be good for me. BIG TIME.

More tomorrow.

I have also hired MO to work with me this weekend. It will be INTERESTING if he shows up LOL

That part of it will be INTERESTING. I will keep the journal posted :)

Later, alligator.

Charlene

Oh let me list what renovations I "WANT" to do for my trailer -

Paint it from the UGLY brown on brown that it is to SeaGreen on SeaGreen
Cover the deck to be a sun room/plant/herb room with tons of light (one wall is going to be the bevelled light.

Painting the mud room (which is where MO comes in) He is going to do the ceiling I get to wash that room today and put things away, today. Yayyyyy its flipping cold out there LOL

Rip out the carpeting in the spring, YAYYYYY put a new floor down. Hard wood floor look -

Basically it is to BRIGHTEN up this hellhole BIG TIME.

I will post more as I think what it is else that I want to do.

As I end this year, of which has been a Let's Really Do Nothing Year and Escape in the Black Hole of Me and Be NoOne and Do Nothing...

I have been in a dark, dark hole this year and it just "hit" me today... In all ways when I was watching Oprah... A show which I really don't "relate" to - she's black, she a ka-zillionaire... Etc. Etc.

But today, the question was put forth, "If I had One Day Left, who would you call?"

I would not call anyone I am a writer, typist and I would write "those" letters that I have wanted to write to people...

Let's See -

Dear Uncle John -

Hi, I have 24 hours left and so I thought that I would write you this letter. Were you ever aware of me? Did you ever love ME? Let me quote one Xmas which I shrugged off at the time - I was at Dad's home and I was wandering around the malls of Nanaimo with you and Aunty Nancy and you looked at me like you had never seen me before and actually said, (and I quote) "OhMyGod, I never knew that YOU were going to be here, at your Dad's, OhMyGod, we never got you a gift." You stared at Aunty Nancy as if she could provide an awe-inspiring answer. I just shrugged it off and said, "Oh that's fine Uncle John, I am just happy to see you and Aunty Nancy."

And I went off in my life feeling invisible, strengthened by your words and actions and gained more weight. To hopefully be what? Noticed by the clan? Nope.

I cannot name ONCE that a clan member called me, wished me Happy Birthday. What a cold fucking family.

But I digress from the REAL letter that I would spend the remaining 23 hours writing.

Dear Daddy,

Will you miss me? Or will you just be pissed off by the inconvenience of having to pay for something of Charlene's once again? i.e. My funeral. I am sure that it will be but a pauper's funeral. Pfffffffffffft. I was NEVER your first choice for finer items in life. Now that she's dead, she doesn't know.

Everyone thought that I thought that you "walked on water" that you were my "Golden" Prince of a Father.

I thought that when I was 10. But let me count the ways that you have, Dear Father, have fallen from your Pedastal. Not very gracefully either.

Let me entitle it, "Did You Ever Notice ME Father? Did you ever KNOW ME?"

When I was 13, I ran away from an extremely abusive situation in Manitoba and yep, in shorts, flip flops, a sweater-tee, and 78cents, I was away. Thinking YOU were my saviour. My Helper. My God.

I arrived on your doorstep, none worse the wear. The treatment "on the road" was actually kinder than any I had experienced at my "Home" You left me to when I was 4. Did you even Care? That you were leaving me, at four, with a Nazi-Hutterite of a step-father? Did you? Ever?

But I arrived on Vancouver Island, after a stranger's help at HorseShoe Bay Ferries, of cash help. Of which the man told me, "Are you running TO help? Or are you running away? If you are running away, I won't help you, because my daughter ran away when she was about your age, and I have never seen her since."

He fed me dinner, of my choice (fish and chips, all the way, exotic to me then, as I was now on the westcoast and of course, FISH). Plus he gave me 2 50$, to get onto the ferry with and a cab to get home with.

Funny the things one's mind remembers...

But you, "Dear" Daddy, were not there, as you were busily sailing back from your "Around the World Adventure" Sailing trip. Of which your ex-wife, called via the radio phone, onto your boat, "YOUR daughter has left, she is probably dead by now, but thought I should tell you, she is PROBABLY ON HER WAY TO YOU. ALTHOUGH WHY I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND."

Did you care then that I was perhaps DEAD?

I saw you with Jan, your BEAUTIFUL now EX, at your boat, walking towards you, and wanting to run to you and hug you, my GOLDEN/BLONDE DADDY. Wanting to finally be YOUR LITTLE GIRL, loved.

Instead what occurred was THIS: You turned towards me and stated, as you twirled in the chair, "Charlene..." and promptly projectile vomitted all over the floor.

No sound in the room, of which there were about 30 adults and ME. Only DEAD/PETRIFIED silence.

Then

ONE

MINUTE

LATER...

Jan's shocked words, "OH DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..."

Of which I turned to stare at her, wordlessly.

I never talked for the next thirty days, nodding or shaking my head were my only replies.

Then I moved out to YOUR home at nineteen, of which you began your EXTREME CONTROL of me, but I DIDN'T CARE at 19, BECAUSE I WAS WITH MY GOLDEN FATHER.

BLAH.

My introduction to your "World" was that you were a drunk, you abused your title of Dentist by having, after hours, "Gas, gas, gas" Parties/Orgies. Of which, once, ***** and I arrived "home" and heard "noises" from downstairs/your dental office. Of which ***** being the more curiouser one of the two of us, I could not care less... Went downstairs to investigate. Very quickly ***** was back and stated quite honestly, Hey the dental gas is flowing downstairs and everyone is naked down there."

Needless to say we deserted my HOME.

Another weekend, another gas, gas, gas party. I arrived home and you, Dear Daddy, were downstairs, quite crazed and when you heard me upstairs, came upstairs with what I think, in memory, was a shot-gun, and your crazed/gassed up eyes/thinking you told me, Are you safe? I am going to protect you THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING.

I was like WTF?

You opened up the upstairs windows and promptly shot the streetlights out. I just watched, once again MUTE.

Fascination? Shock? Who's to say?

Then you turned my way, saying, I GOT THE RUSSIANS!!! See? I shot out their planes' headlights. So you are safe.

I just shook my head. My Fucked up Father and I am "supposed" to be Normal. Hmmmmm...

I did not know which woman to call.

I called Michelle and she stated, after I asked her IF I should call an ambulance for my Father, her reply - DON'T DO THAT, HE WILL LOSE HIS LICENCE. I WILL BE RIGHT OVER.

In Michelle speak, that means THAT WILL BE THE END OF THE GRAVY TRAIN OF $$$$$$

You ditched Jan.

Did I have a say? No.

You MARRIED Michelle. I won't even go there. I would be writing for DAYS/YEARS/IONS... She is so justNOTthere. A breath of fresh air? No a vaccuum. She sucks away peace piranha.

I watched throughout the years as I began to "disappear" in your eyes.

Or did I ever exist for you? I wonder.

One year you bought me hair products for Xmas, about 300$ worth, which was hilarious because I had shaved off my head 3 weeks before. To help a friend with her cancer baldness and "gave" her my waist-length hair. But you were NEVER attached/entrenched into my life, that you were not aware. So there was shocked silence as I laffed at the gift, as I removed the cowboy hat, and bandanna and presented you with my PROUD bald head. Of which your interpretation was, "Are you gay?"

On Gay Dyke Women, to you, shaved their heads.

BLAH.

You hated/hate every man I have ever loved. I have never asked you why. Belittling all of them, after the fact as they passed from my world. Never taking joy in the fact that your Daughter was able to BE IN LOVE, fully and completely.

They were men I LOVED. For FUCK'S SAKE. I LOVED THEM. Shit, shit, shit. In fact I even contemplated making babies with 2 of them. But you just belittled.

One time Chelsea and I were at the house, Departure Bay, and being females fussing in the bathroom, doing hair, perfume, lipgloss (okay that was my type of fussing LOL) When I came out, twirling in my outfit, Dear Daddy your words were, "At least my Daughter is NOT the fat daughter."

Another time, after Grandma S. died, you GAVE Chelsea GRANDMA'S car, stating that there was money owing on it AND I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH to make the payments. Yet Chelsea, being 15 years younger WAS? Which was complete bullshit because MILLIONAIRE FATHER would not let his Mother have a car OWING money on. Give me a FUCKING BREAK. D-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... When do I come out? Number one? Acknowledged? Always running on the treadmill BEHIND Chelsea BECAUSE you married her Mother. So I once again, disappeared. Slooooowly. Once again, yep.

Of which I internalized that by ballooning to my now 200 pounds and Chelsea became NOT THE FAT DAUGHTER.

Shit shit shit.

I told Aunty Betty Ann one year, once again, at Departure Bay, that I had Grandma's dress (after Grandma S's passing) that she had worn to Aunty BettyAnn's wedding. And Aunty BettyAnn said that Wow, I would love to see it, I don't remember it.

Of which your contribution was, Dear Daddy, "Why would you want to see it? It was probably 2nd hand when she bought it, nothing was ever BRAND NEW for Mom. Never."

Shocked silence once again. What do you say to such a fucking stupid statement? Especially from me, your daughter, who is an AVID thrift store shopper and would NEVER NEVER NEVER buy NEW whatfor? Inflated prices anyways.

I watched in silence as Chelsea, my step-sister EVERY XMAS got 15 presents to my ONE ONE ONE gift every year.

One year when I lived with *** Dear Daddy, you sent me LINGERIE for Xmas - *** sat there in silence as I opened it and looked at the gift card, "Your FATHER sent you LINGERIE for a PRESENT? XMAS? THAT'S SOOOOO FUCKED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS."

I just said, "So what - it's for fucking, isn't it? Let's fuck."

Yeah.

You came to my HOME, my trailer, YOU BOUGHT FOR ME, DEAR DADDY, and in a drunken almost stupor, with a SILENT Michelle, BLAH... Called me a LAZY STUPID FAT WHORE.

Of which I internalized and gained more weight.

Well you, for me too, no longer "CONTROL" me - "DEAR DADDY" I am saying Goodbye to you. I am making a resolution in 2008 NOT to contact you EVER in 2008. What for?

My best friend, and confidante, Narda and I have a "joke" about you, Dear Daddy. It goes something like this...

Isn't My Daddy such a warm, caring demonstrative MAN?

No your DADDY is just a DEMON. PERIOD.

And her and I burst out in laughter. Gales of laughter.

I can't handle you Dear Daddy, no more.

I need to grab MY LIFE. At last. And find ME. Learn to LOVE ME. In 2008.

My latest contest link ((please click on and I will get another entry THANKS))

Sometimes we meet someone in our lives for a very brief time... And they make a great effect on our overall "impression" of our world... Just such a person was Mervin. I met him volunteering and he made me feel welcome with his smile... He would always have time to listen, with a smile and a sit down. Or I would see him throughout town, walking and once again, his bright smile of Hello. And he would ask me how I was doing that day. I felt listened to by Mervin. He will be missed.

At the place where we both volunteered, there was this dedication;

Mr. Mervin ... passed away on Saturday, October 13, 2007. Mervin resided at the ... .... Hotel. Mervin worked for our community, volunteering countless hours with the ..., .... ..., the ... and ... ... ... ... to name a few.
Mervin had many friends. He was a kind, thoughtful and gentle man, a man of integrity who always put the needs of others before his own. His keen insight and perception of life were peppered with humour. He accepted and respected all without judgement.
Farewell Mervin - - we will cherish your memory and thank you for sharing your philosophy of giving. You touched many lives.

A non-secular service will be held Tuesday, October 30th at 2 p.m. at First Memorial Funeral Service Chapel.

I finally understand the saying; "This is the first day of the rest of your life..." For today I finally feel "together", connected - Mind/Body/Spirit

I recognize that we are labelled by our bodies... Currently I am 180lbs and 5'6" Which is, yep, obese. So I've decided to get on with it.

So far I have exercised on my bike/stationary, while I am reading the book Daughters of the Moon Sisters of the Sun - This book helps me as I am reading about 'girls' that are writing about their feelings of being Disconnnected and the like. While they were growing up - That was me. BIG TIME.

Also in the book, is stories from Women that tell of their feelings of Disconnectedness too. One such that I was surprised was Lindsay Wagner (Of 'my' generation, forever known as Bionic Woman; all powerful woman) So it was quite surprising to me that she would lock herself into her home for days/3 days I think she mentioned - And her solution? Is quite simple. Reach out; call someone.

A young girl says that to stop the disconnectedness is to do art, reach out and the like. So that is what I am going to do.

Art has always been my way to express myself. Erratic art, hahahaha But art nonetheless. On Wednesday I am going to go to the Gym and Sign up for their Clay classes and go from there. I love clay; been playing in the 'dirt' joyfully all my life. Love the female figurine. So going to go sign up for that.

I reached out the other day - Slowly - To 2 women Cheryl and Lizzie - And neither woman rejected me. In fact, Cheryl thinks that I am AWESOME (Her word not mine LOL) Slowly my mind and body is coming together...

Now that Father thing - I am going to meditate over that and see what the cards have to say tonight. All of them.

Well I have heard from someone recently that I am bi-polar... I have run that word thruout my brain over and over and I have concluded

Nope.

As I do not experience the WOWS or rather the HIGHS... Although I do go on shopping "sprees" Love to. But always have.

I have decided that to get "out of" my recent slump I am going to setup DAILY GOALS Let it be basic like clean the house, from end to end - Which makes me feel wonderful BIG TIME. Or workout ALL DAY long... Or Burn music or make it to the Dr. or Write in my journal or whatever it be - I AM GOING TO SET DAILY GOALS.

And do it.

So for tomorrow/Friday I am going to clean my home, from one end to the other AND burn more music to completely fill my IPOD So more Trance music... Medieval music...

I love a clean home.

Saturday's goal is to go grocery shopping for the complete Thanksgiving List. of Foodstuff.

Monday is the day I am going to cook. Then Tuesday... Not sure.

Wednesday I have a meeting with Triumph. So that is as far as I go. Oh wait Tuesday Jan is supposed to come and visit me.

Oh my other goal is to stop the sadness over my Father. Does he think of me? Highly doubt it.

Okay... that is my ramble for today... WOW... **EVIL GRIN**

Depression
Is a varied and very wired, if not out-right Wierd "thing"
You never know when it is going to hit you - - - > HARD
Never lightly.
Like right, now, this IMMEDIATE moment, I can
Feel my Tears.
Right
There.
Just inside, wanting SCREAMING NEEDING!!!
To burst free.
Thoughts of my despair are of my Daddy and he is rejecting me? Still?
Yes, I return to the 3 year old child, of whom you walked from, Daddy.
Whatever did I do?
For you to now, reject me? So outright in every avenue? E-mail, fax, cell phone, yadda yadda yadda.
Is it because I am not the "Perfect" Daughter you so think that you Ought to hve sired? From your Golden loins?
Or is it that you only wanted a Son?
Is it, Dear Daddy, that I don't have a Penis, that you reject me?
What is the Reason?
Truly?
Don't I deserve to know?
Truly??
The Not Knowing Why is much worse; your last words to me, back in February, in your alcohol-induced bravery, were - - - > youFATlazyWHORE!!!
Yet noone else, but my 'other' Father-figure, step-father, Sam, ever said such words, to me.
Why do My Father-figures reject ME SO???
mY Despair Ridden thoughts run over and over...

I fell asleep tonight, like VERY VERY early and I kept on having the VERY SAME dream over and over... Here goes...

I was walkng along the Ocean (which works as I live along the Pacific Ocean) with my Dalmatian, Bandit. Which, yes, again works as YES, I do have a Dalmatian and Yes... His name is Bandit...

We were walking along... I was every now and then, skipping stones along the calm water of the ocean... When we rounded a bend in the path...

There was a fire at a farm. People were rushing about and a woman appeared, in turn of the century nightclothes... Pressing to me, five youngs boys (perhaps the oldest was ten???) All of variety of curly hair, and all looking up at me... For guidance??? For me to say YES??? OKAY???

She was quite persistent... "Please, please, TAKECAREOFMYBOYS."

Then... All of a sudden/MIRACULIOUSLY??? "She" was "gone".

It started to rain, and the fire, began to mist/dissipate...

I bent down, and stroked one of the boy's hair, saying, "Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, YOUAREOKAYNOW..."

Then the dream skipped to my home and the 5 boys were tucked into my bed, drinking cocoa and smiling up at me. I tucked them in, again, assuring them that they WERE OKAY.

The dream ended there...

INTERPRETATION???????????????????

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