i have always, always been a "runner" when times get "rough" i am gone - - - it is a terrible trait to have - - really, to sustain anything long-term LOL

the first time i "ran" with significance was when i was 13 years of age - from a small prairie town - the first night i just ran thru the backyard field to the elementary school, shimmied up the airvents and sat on the school roof watching the people call my name and walk around, calling my name. The very next day, after I had slept on the roof, as it was a very warm summer night, I was quite bemused that not one person was "still" searching for me. Wow, 3 hours effort I was worth!!! That is what decided for me to continue my journey away.

I went to hiway 6 and headed south, winnipeg and went the wrong way first; east instead of west. LOL Then got back started the right way and ended up west, on my biological father's doorstep.

Which was another nightmare of another sort. Funny thing is I did not speak for 6 weeks other than monosyllabalic (sp?) words. 6 weeks. OBVIOUSLY some trauma there, but he sent me back to the trauma "unit" of it all.

Today? Or rather last night/early this a.m. I took off again. I just needed to "get the hell out of dodge" as "they" say. Last night I hung out with a girlfriend and she was in a very weird headspace I entered her abode and she was sitting there before her computer, for 2 hours of gameplay - - And I asked her once, wazzzup? She answered, "It's not all about you, always. Sometimes its my turn."

I thought sure and ambled off and text-messaged tons of people from my phone and sent msgs like Booty call please - - Sex is always a great releaser, minus the drug play I "promised" to give up due to accepting moving into my home from my Father - But sex with young men I will never give up LOL My much preferred drug choice hahaha

She started screaming at me, "Oh so you want it about you all the time?"

I just sat there and thought, wtf? I answered, "Ummmm, I am happy texting everyone, no worries here."

I continued, "Hey I made 140$ today in less than 2 hours, isn't that kewl? I designed a guy's webpage and he even gave me a 20$ tip he was so impressed."

She replied, "If you expect a wayTogo for every little GOOD thing you do, forget it."

I again thought, wtf, and answered, "I thought that was what friends were for? To pat ya on the back when you do well?"

"You should not come here EXPECTING that everytime you come over here."

I thought, Time to leave.

In more ways than one.

I packed up my pooch, my florescent pink backpack ((best present I ever was given from a friendWithbenefits friend - he obviously "understood" my inborn NEED to leave and leave often LOL Why not make it easier? Give her a Florescent pink backpack hahaha The big one that she can carry her small world on her back as she leaves.

Perhaps I should have stayed with that one?

I sit here on the Ferry and cry, ignoring the glances from other passengers, and wonder WTF? Why am I so scared to care? To be open and share? Me? Other than to the 4-legged creatures?

The fear was from my youth, something shut down then, never to return. Now I am trying to reach out to others and I just immediately f/it up from the get-go. I write innate things and wonder where did THAT come from? I tell people I care then I disappear in every way for a week. Yah actions speak louder than words, mmmmm?

Oh I want someone to be there for me, yet I can't be there for him? I run, run, run, that has not changed. From the age of 13.

F.

Dammmm

S.

And all the rest.

PMSing sucks. Wrecks havock on my brain/feelings and mannerisms. Drumming is what I will seek tonight. Drum beats equalling my heartbeat.

Oh I am going to visit someone next weekend. She scares the living s/out of me. She knows me too well - - that 13 year old kid. She "knows" the scared kid I was. How far have I come? Not that far, really.

Too many years of oblivion from the pain. Drugs were easy. Sex was easier. When you have DD's and are easy. Basically.

Will this trip cure the wanderlust? No.

Because it is running from the people I care.

About.

Damn.

Glad he is married and far, far away. I risk nothing really. It's safe. And I tease him that is him that chooses safe. I write him lots, knowing he is shackled, married and so far away.

Good.

Safe.

It is zero connection.

I

risk

Nothing.

Char