MY LIFE IN RETROSPECT - -

For the first time in many aday - -
I walked down to the ocean today - -
And sat there and let my brain just race.
Randomly.
I thought of the many twists and turns I said Yes to in my life
and said No to in my life.
I said No to asking someone out - - > because the once in my life "shyness" or rather awkwardness reared its ugly head
I said yes to ending a lifetime career within the Military - - reason being my having breasts declined me from being able to go to the Falkland War - -
I thought I was "VERY" Rambo-esque if not not THE Rambo-ette.
I enjoyed everything of the Army - - being screamed at - - > used to that with my Upbringing therefore I excelled where others fell very short.
I said No to 3 men that asked me "THE" question - - Where are THEY now? Do they think of me? Like I think of them this day?
How very much different would my life have been?
I think of the No's - - I think of the Yes's - -
WTF was I thinking?
I look at my life right now - - Wanting to be held right now and only a boytoy is my choice.
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
I think of the young girl that raced towards her future - - > Thinking "she" would be famous, wanted, desired by the Masses due to her abilities within the Acting Field - -
Oh how many NO'S I received due to my saying NO to silicone anywhere in my body...
BLAH.
I stand before "my" ocean and watch my aged Dalmatian no longer run.
He chooses to sit beside me and nuzzle my armpit - I at least smell good,
for him.
Life could be worse, life could be better.
I am reaching out to my dream and it fucking scares me - - Portfolio X10 has to be "presented" before an Arts Committee on the 28th of March - -
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
Do I have the balls to get that particular YES?
The artist within me screams
YES.
The worthless child that was so abused/abandoned by every parental figure screams NO.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - -
Life and its choices.
I wish he was closer.
But I am no longer the size0 teenage lass so full of pissNvinegar - -
But a Woman with lines
Around her eyes.
Having seen so much -
Many things I did not really need.
May he says, is Canada time.
3 months to lose...
1000 lbs of obesity.
FUCK
SHIT
DAMMIT.
Or dare I present me
with all my very apparent
flaws?
She steps instead upon the treadmill
Seeking that Size0 female
Once
Again.
-charann