TOP 10 SURVIVAL TIPS FOR LOVING AN ADDICTED PERSON 

ONE - COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH REALITY. 

Learning how to deal with reality is the most N.B. 1st step in "SURVIVING" when you love an addicted person. Altho it may seem easier to stay in the "FANTASY SPACE" where you can continue to believe that things are going to magically get better, there is no such magic. Things will not get better just because you wish they would.

Coming face-to-face w/reality means accepting that parts of your life may be out of control as a result of loving someone who is engaging in addictive behaviours. These addictions can include mind altering substances such as drugs, alcohol,... 

You may be feeling a constant, gnawing worry that you live w/every day. You may find yourself being asked for money often, & feeling guilty if you say no. Perhaps you are watching everything you say and do, in order to "keep peace" in your home & not make the addict angry. Or you may be asked to do favours for the addict on a consistent basis, & you may not know how-to say no.

Whatever your particular situation, is acceptance of what you are dealing w/in your life is the 1st survival tip for loving an addicted person. 

TWO - DISCOVER HOW-TO LOVE AN ADDICTED PERSON & STAY HEALTHY.

There are effective ways to deal w/the addicted person in your life, just as there are ways that are not only ineffective but can also be dangerous. Learning to distinguish between them can save you allot of time & can also produce much healthier results for you & your addicted loved one.

For eg., Learning how-to set & maintain appropriate boundaries is a v. N.B. skill. You may need to explore the reasons why you have a problem doing that, & then learn some assertiveness techniques that will help you say "YES" when you mean "YES" & "NO" when you mean "NO." 

Another way to keep yourself healthy while caring about an addicted person is to make sure you are looking after your own life & keeping a good balance w/such things as work or volunteering, supportive friendships, fitness & good nutrition, & time for the fun activities that you enjoy. 

Choose to practice the healthier ways of loving your addicted person.

THREE - YOU CANNOT CONTROL OR "FIX" ANOTHER PERSON, SO STOP TRYING!!! 

The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this. but that doesn't make it any less true. Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept & live by it, your life will become much easier. 

Cultivate your wisdom, so that you know the difference between what you can & can't change, & stop trying to control or "FIX" anyone other than yourself. 

FOUR - STOP BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON & BECOME WILLING TO LOOK AT YOURSELF. 

As easy & tempting for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles & suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since that is the only thing you can really do anything about.

Even tho the addict has undoubtedly contributed his/her share of the trouble, in some way you also have a part to play in what is going on. For eg., you might be keeping the "DRAMA" going on by lending money to your addicted loved one. Or perhaps you are always willing to be there, to listen when they tell you all about the problems they are encountering as consequences of the addictive behaviours.

These kind of actions on your part will not help your loved one in the long run. It is your responsibility to recognize and "OWN" your unhelpful behaviours, & to get professional help in doing this if necessary. 

Understanding why you choose to behave in unhealthy ways is the key to making a change. Become courageous enough to be willing to look at yourself.

FIVE - LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "HELPING" & "ENABLING". 

Just like most people, you might thing that you need to help your addicted loved one. You probably fear that if you don't provide help, he/she will end up in a worse predicament. When you try to "HELP" addicts by giving them money, allowing them to stay in your home, buying food for them on a regular basis, driving them places or going back on the healthy boundaries you have already set w/them, you are actually engaging in "RESCUING" behaviours that are not really helpful. Another term for this kind of unhealthy helping is "ENABLING". 

When you can be as truthful as possible w/yourself about your own enabling behaviours, you can begin to make different choices. This will lead to healthy changes in your addicted loved one as well. For eg., you might decide to tell the addict in your life that you will no longer listen to them complain about their lives. However, you can let them know that you are very willing to be there for them as soon as they are ready to work on resolving their problems.

Once you stop your enabling behaviours, you can then begin to truly help your loved one.

SIX - DO NOT GIVE IN TO MANIPULATION.

It has been said that the least favourite word for an addict to hear is "NO." When addicts are not ready to change, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest w/themselves. Some of these manipulations include lying, cheating, blaming, raging & guilt-tripping others, as well as becoming depressed or developing other kinds of emotional or physical illnesses. 

The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by the addict, the more manipulative the addict is likely to become. When you hold your ground & refuse to give into their unreasonable demands, they will eventually realize that they are not going to get their way. 

Saying "NO" is an N.B. 1st step towards change - - for you, as well as for the addict. 

SEVEN - ASK YOURSELF THE "MAGIC QUESTION". 

It is N.B. to understand that you might be just as "ADDICTED" to your enabling behaviours as the addict in your life is to his/her manipulations. 

In the same way that addicts use drugs, alcohol & other addictive behaviours to avoid dealing w/their shame about feeling unworthy & unlovable, you may be focusing on the addict's behaviour in order to avoid having to focus on living your own life. Your enabling behaviours toward the addict may be helping to keep you busy & to fill up your life so that you don't have to see how lonely & empty you are feeling inside. 

Ask yourself the question, "HOW WOULD MY LIFE BE BETTER IF I WAS NOT CONSUMED BY BEHAVIOURS THAT ENABLE MY LOVED ONE?" Allow yourself to answer honestly, & be aware of any feelings that come up. 

 Altho it may be scary to think about giving up behaviours that have formed your "COMFORT ZONE", it may be even more scary for you to think about continuing them. 

EIGHT - KNOW THAT "SELF-CARE" DOES NOT = "SELFISH". 

Too many people get these 2 ideas confused: They think that if they practice healthy self-care & put themselves 1st, they are being selfish. "SELFISHNESS" basically means that you want what you want when you want it, & you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That actually sounds more like the behaviour of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted & exhausted. 

"SELF-CARING" means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy & holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual needs are met. 

NINE - RE-BUILD YOUR OWN LIFE. 

The best way to come out of your own "ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOURS" such as enabling & people-pleasing, is to focus on your own life. If your life seems empty in any areas such as career, relationships or self-care, begin to rebuild your life by exploring the kinds of things that might fulfill you. Would you like to make a career change or go back to school? Perhaps you would like to develop different hobbies that would help you meet new people. 

Re-building your life so that you feel a greater sense of happiness & self-fulfillment is your most N.B. over-all responsibility - - ENJOY!!! 

TEN - DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE SITUATION IS REALLY BAD - - REACH OUT FOR HELP NOW!!! 

When those who love people w/any type of addictive behaviour finally reach out for help, they have usually been dealing w/their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see whether things would get better w/o professional help, please consider getting help NOW, before things become even more worse. 

If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so that you do not make the mistakes that could make things more difficult. 

The sooner you reach out for help, the better it is for everyone concerned.