okay i am going to write down my dream o'last night...

it was like a set of interview with a vampire... when lestat meets the head vampire... played by melanie griffith's hubby... ohhhh antonio banderas... so that kind of set/environment...

so an old style theater... i am but one of the audience...

when the curtains rush open... bigggg red/velvet curtains and like 10 stories high (it seemed like) and there were huge posters revealed of the upcoming performance...

as that occurred, stilt performers entered... many, many and dancing in front of us, the audience...

and then smoke entered...

it was late night... like the bewitching hour...

there was movement in the audience near to me, and a VERY good looking blonde man sat beside me, and he had on a mask... and he smiled at me...

i looked at him and played with one of my earrings, in nervousness...

and the person to my right side, slid closer to me, and his profile looked "vaguely" familiar... so i glanced at him, a lil' longer and he reached for my legs, and placed them on his lap, and began to stroke my legs and i did not know how to react and then...

the masked blonde man, reached towards me and removed the combs from my hair and began to stroke my neck, and as that is my all-time favourite erotic feeling in the world!!! i moved closer to him and felt like i wanted to purr, the feeling was so erotic and fine...

he turned my head towards me, and i thought, mmmmmmmm, this is fine, so very fine...

smoke swirled around us, and it was like we entered our own world...

i reached for his mask, wanting to reveal his identity, thinking, do i know you? and then, does that really matter? as the sensations continue to swirl within me...

he reached for my hand, and stopped me from removing his mask...

and he undid his shirt, closed with ties and revealed a rippled chest, and he placed my hand onto his chest and i let a purr-like sound go... wanting more, wanting to know this man who caused me to feel such sensations...

vaguely away of the other male touching my legs, slowly, erotically...

ohhhhh, this was fine... very fine...

then my vaguely familiar male to my right, stopped and reached for a glass of wine and poured it over my thighs and he bent down and began to lick the wine from my thighs and i thought, OH WOWWWWWW...

mmmmmmmm, all thoughts disappeared as i just experienced exstacy for the first time in my life...

the kiss deepened, and my blonde male, whispered, it is you i want, right now...

oh yes?

oh yessssss...

his kiss deepened and i disappeared into full sensory mode...

he knew how to touch, slowly and erotically...

from far away, i felt my black dress being removed from my shoulders and the second male, lifting my full skirt,

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, oh this is beyond all that has been before for me...

delightfully erotic and so so so...

beyond mere words...

the exploration of me continued and i mutely enjoyed...

mmmmmmmm...

as the blonde moved over me, i reached up and his mask became askew and i stared, he looks so familiar!

but in my intoxicated mind, it would not click! just who he was? i knew he was someone from my past, a mere acquaintance? an enemy? a co-worker?

a glass of wine was poured over my lips, as he withdrew his kiss, and all coherent thoughts were completely removed, almost immediately,

i watched the two men, cover me with kisses and i thought, oh this is devine,

both of their tongues explored my core and i thought i would die a thousand deaths at that very moment; ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhwowwwwwwwwwwwww...

wow, wow, wow, was my only thought...

later... what? days? minutes? seconds? i did not know... my blonde sat up and covered my lips with kisses, soft and whispered, now you will sleep, my beauty, and he removed his mask, and just before i closed my eyes, i realized, OMG!!!!

it's...

chris!!!

the evil twin!!!!!

but i could not react or stop myself from sleep overtaking me...

FIGURE THAT DREAM OUT ROFLLLLLL

As an aside - All thru the years of lower school, middle school and high school Ricky was always "there" for me... Whenever I would jet over to their house - He would "just happen" to be there too!!! Smiling his great smile... Etc. Etc. Or when I was 15 and went over to their place, he would grab me before I entered the house, smother me with kisses, of hello. Ask me how I was and were any boys being bad to me Breathlessly I would answer NO lol Then he would just step back, walk away, whistling as I rang the doorbell. I would always be breathless whenever I said hello to his sisters Or Mom or Dad LOL And they would always tell me not to race over sooooo fast on my bike ROFL

The wierd thing was, Ricky never "officially" asked me OUT lol But at dances, local get-togethers, I don't know how he'd do it - But yep, same approach And asking me about the dance if any guys were rude etc etc

Man Ricky could KISS lol

Figure that one out HAHAHAHAHA

Could I? Would I? Love to meet him again??? DEFINITELY. Last I heard, he moved to Toronto CANADA LOL I looked up variations of R Hill in Toronto -= Only like a PAGE hahahaha

Thanks for letting me ramble :)

Charlene

my first crush? his name was/is - ricky hill - i was ten and he was like 13 - okay let me describe ricky hill - big AFRO head of RED hair - it sounds demented, but in my eyes he was GORGOUES!!!! - BUT how we met was i had just moved to this small HICK town from the city and had just found a foot path and was sitting on a big, big, big rock, crying - and this BEAUTIFUL/STRIKING young boy rode up on his bike - with a banana seat and those Ubars for handlebars??? and gave me a smile, and said, "why are you crying?? YOU are MUCH too pretty to be crying..." i poured out ALL of my angst (of a ten Y.O. LOL) which took what? all of 15 seconds? and he listened, and gave me my VERY FIRST KISS - needless to say I was NO LONGER sad hahahaha Oh and Ricky even did me a FURTHER favour - he told me he had 2 sisters that would LOVE to be my BEST FRIENDS and yes they were to be my BEST FRIENDS for school life...

can I take this time to put it forth if anyone knows a RICKY HILL that has 3 sisters... charlene H MISSES him big time!!! and would love to chat/email ANYTIME soon (like AS IF) that only works in movies RIGHT? lol oh I am sure that he "goes by" Richard Hill now LMAO

but my story was all true,

charlene :)

Me thinks U misinterpreted the emailed Invite - - it was for a weekend for sex LOL that you have a g'f has ZERO bearing on the matter LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

but you have declined and you know what? i find it fucking FREEING so in a way you DID give me a weekend of SEX lol i am able to say good bye to john collison FINALLY weeee fucking liberating that... i burnt your photos AND the negative I offered them to you - in an email awhile back AND your baby photos I had like 20 of them - you were not at all concerned about having them so tonight? i burnt them - so they and you NO LONGER exist FOR ME

thank you for the good bye now i will NO LONGER be the sad charlene who gave up a baby because i loved someone and he did not love me back AT ALL EVER and I will never believe that you EVER did or my father's words? you would have had a backbone for Like give me a fucking break - if you wanted ME ME ME my family would not have mattered or his words i found your explanation weak AT BEST i never felt you were "that into me" EVER that you were always looking for something/someone better

i have guesses who your g'f is but i am not going to go there -

i have moved FROM you FREED at last - you will NEVER understand how MUCH it fucking hurt saying goodbye to someone that came out of ME screamed its first breath BECAUSE of me - BUT she looked JUST LIKE YOU - same damn mouth and eyelashes -

but i wanted you to come RIGHT out and say char - let's go for it - NOW and even passing in THIS lifetime a 2nd time? YOU NEVER DID - so it reinforced my belief that you were NEVER "that into me"

i believe we become "involved" with another human being to learn LESSONS - what did I carry from meeting john ambrose collison? at 20? or 21? whatever i was???? i learnt that charlene ann can love FULLY and COMPLETELY - give herself to another human being and ROCK - i loved you from your first smile AT ME - you were my GOLDENmost memory - MY PRECIOUS JOHNNY -

I DARED to give me, LOVE YOU completely - did I fucking care ever that you loved me as absolutely in return? no because I WAS THAT INTO YOU - I would have moved the earth for you Johnny - That is why I carried your babe to term -

That is what I learnt FROM meeting you - Did I have any effect? Affect on you? Pffffffffffffft. I doubt it.

Like - Oh I am not even going to go there.

Thank you for saying Goodbye - I could never had "just a weekend" of sex with MY JOHNNY so this is the wise way to go. And now I am Free. Of you.

Forever.

Wow it feels fucking Fantastic.

I "knew" there was a Reason why I was so Strongly pulled "back" to Nanaimo. I originally thought it was to have a Relationship WITH my Daddy - Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - No. It was to bump into my Johnny and have the Good Bye I was not able to at 20.

Charlene at 20, was strong. Charlene at 40 is Fucking Awesome.

Not once in your narcisstic emails have you asked about me. LOL Further proving there was ZERO concern from your person to THIS person - I am a person that carried YOUR baby. Which you can NO LONGER never ever again create. Yet finding that out Altered your life not one IOTA. No you wanted to find Charlene in a Time Capsule and the Charlene with the Long hair and a size2 and yadda yadda yadda Well I have lost 20 pounds Enjoying it - - - Working out daily as I loooove my pizzas. LOL And cooking and whatnot and the sins thereof LOL

Oh I am not TOTALLY MADE OF STONE where you are concerned - I cried burning each picture - could remember every moment with you - YOU ROCKED MY WORLD to its foundations and I never even made a MINUTE impact on yours. But I loved you so FUCKING MUCH that that did not matter to me LOL I could and do and will forever remember you and this is cemented in my brain and its memories My eternal memory of YOU is this - THE VERY FIRST TIME you walked into the Kabuki Kab shop and smiling your smile at me and I thought MY WORLD IS FOREVER CHANGED THIS MAN IS GOING TO CHANGE IT I had no doubt FROM YOUR VERY FIRST SMILE MY WAY you had not even known my name but that is what SLAMMED into my brain.

I only once had a baby inside of me - - I miscarried - - I think it was a Greater Power's Choice that one - - As the Father that time DENIED it was stating all sorts of lies about me. Me? I am in the MOMENT very much so with the VERY few men I "chose" to FEEL something for. But you? You were...

MY SPECIAL JOHNNY.

And you will NEVER take that from ME.

For that? I hold that VERY dear.

I wanted YOU to ask me to ENTER my world etc etc You Never Did. This 2nd Meeting. So that "reinforced" I made the right choices. Wherever our SHE is - - She is a Fucking Beauty? Why? Because she was carried WITH love all the LOVE I NEVER gave to her Daddy - I talked to her EVERY day in my TUMMY and all of that.

And that she was YOU so much in the face REINFORCED it for me That it was that best decision Because I could NOT go thru the hurt of telling her Your Daddy chose another. Okay I am tired. I am going to bed. Finishing tonight's cry - Goodbyes SUCK lol

Thank you for this.

I was so very happy to see you again Johnny - - You have LOST so much. It hurt me in so many ways. Yes our life TOGETHER would have ROCKED. You would have had such a VERY different LIFE. That I know - - Because I - - - But that is something you NEVER wanted - - Even with a 2nd chance Meeting - -

So go forth WITH all of my Heart's Blessings TO YOU.

I will never bother you again. I have zero desire to. I reached out - - Was extremely truthful ONCE AGAIN - - Never felt I was ever getting the TRUTH from you That something always was "not quite right in your tellings" of words to me.

But I don't fucking or am concerned about you anymore.

Zero. Done. I am done.

Where you are concerned.

And it feels fucking FANTASTIC.

My weight gain was I am guessing baby fat How I helped myself NOT to feel the hurt. Now I am shedding it BECAUSE I am FREE.

I hope you are as Happy as I wish you.

Charlene
Your Yesterday. Or was I lol

http://www.zshare.net/audio/10012742abe804bd/

Download that MIX immediately - - > that mix went so fast onto my ipod it was like faster than IMMEDIATELY lol

Denise is a hot babe - kewl in my books - Mama to like 5? beautiful mixed babies - each one cuter than the other - and her "other" passion ((like she has time)) lol is dj'ing I would LOOOOOVE to learn that art But I don't think they could get me to SHUTUP hahahaha

But enjoy the mix I AM on my treadmill :)

Here's to byebye 20 zillion pounds THANKS GIRLFRIEND!!!!

Your fan, forever and ever and ever

Charlene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D85yrIgA4Nk&feature=related

This is a video of a homeless man in Santa Barbara and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow. They are a family. The man who owns them rigged a harness up for his cat so she wouldn't have to walk so much (like the dog and himself). At some juncture the rat came along, and so no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and often, on the cat. The dog will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches. The mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a Christmas card.

This made me sit back and THINK Recently I went through something which caused me to lose a friend Looooong story but she has chosen not to continue our friendship and This video just hit home. i.e. Why can't we all just get along????

Charlene

Okay today was one of those days that I would entitle, if it were a chapter; "The More People I Meet, The More I Looooove My Dog" Here is the why...

I was hanging out with a woman that I have met recently, let's call her "Liz" for simplistic sake.

I met her because we live in the same neighborhood, mutual neighbor introduced us and blah, blah, blah (or yadda yadda yadda, which generation you are LOL).

Today Liz and I were working on her resume, easy enough (for me), a moderate stress moment for Liz. Did not understand the stress level for Liz, it was easy as pie, for me LOL

We were in the printing stage of her resume, when her room-mate came home.

Simple background of room-mate; Liz met her originally at N.A., room-mate is a gay woman, and moved into Liz's home in February.

So room-mate slams into the trailer, takes one look at me, sitting at the computer, and starts IMMEDIATELY screaming at Liz, "You better be FUCKING ready for the 5 o'clock ferry because I pfffffffffft (pffffft will now forever take the place of the word fucking)

I have changed my mind - Not going to write up about what occurred - Other than saying that Police had to be called "Domestic Disturbance"

Do not know or understand people, less and less every day.

Me.

Okay thinking of the time of 1984 i.e. When my BabyDaddy was born ROFL

I had my FIRST "Famous Male" Crush - Yes George Michael My favourite Video of him over and over to watch was (and still is) Wake Me Up Before you GoGo - Loved his look in that video - Yep back to the BIGHAIR male ROFL My fave look forever and ever...

I was the last to argue that George was straight ARGHHHHHHHH Great loss that...

George helped me Jump into Puberty **EVIL GRIN**

Spent the day today "fixin' up" my Home -

So far what has been changed; painted the majority of the interior ((myself WOOO WOOO)) Which was painting the bathroom which originally had FLORAL wall paper - - For a bathroom? Like come on - Now beautiful WHITE

Painted the hallway - Yep, beautiful WHITE and living room and kitchen.

I have also painted all of my flower beds (the wooden frames) a very nice green - Forest green I believe? And the front stairs.

Oh I also painted the sunroom/mudroom - Yep WHITE.

That was in the winter time.

Today I received a WHITE stove - Very cute and works with my decor.

So slowly the interior is brigtening UP. I am liking my efforts and it is looking good, me thinks.

Next? On the fixer upper agenda? Finishing the landscaping as weather permits - The weather today was HORRIBLE and it even HAILED. Believe it or not.

So my little home is looking better day after day. Each "reno" after reno.

Wish me luck!!!!

Oh what is next on the agenda is the landscaping and more houseplants and like that. For me plants are a necessary decoration for a Happy Home.

So that is where it stands. Ohhhh I have an old stove, beige, in colour for FREE available. Must be picked up LOL No it's not self=cleaning HAH

Charlene

I HAVE FOUND MY BABY2BE DADDY **EVIL GRIN**

And lo and behold... HE'S CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!!

WoooooWoooooooo

KYLE SCHMID

i.e.

I HOPE that works... If not I will place it elsewhere on my page... But here is his photo...

The letter I DID send to my Father, today, by REGISTERED MAIL - - >

- - to respond to this THAT IS only YOURS to answer - -

Dan - -

This letter/communication is looooooooong overdue.

I sent you a fax to request for you to visit with me, so we could have "this" as a talk rather than a letter - - not acknowledged/by you...

I have tons of things I feel the VERY much need to communicate with you - - and you alone.

Yes this WILL be a long rambling letter... I WILL SKILL ALL over the place... To address issues I have never had the gumption before to address. To you.

First off, have you ever loved me? I ask this as I have never outright asked you this. Blunt. But my most biggest question that I have always have of you. I ask this because you have never said so.

Do you want a relationship at all WITH ME? If yes, we have to have a talk. A BIG ONE.

No more sweeping past issues under the carpet, and walking, tiptoeing around the VERY obvious elephant under the carpet.

Is your view of me the fat, lazy whore? You never really answered Yes or no. When I did question you of this question.

Before I proceed, I would like to say Thank you for the Home. But I never thought you did it out of love. But as a SAVE FACE within the minute community of ours. As your much more preferred "Daughter" you had just "gifted" with a townhouse.

To you, a person ONLY has worth IF they are equal of your "social" standing. Money level. Your own Mother had very little "worth" therefore. I bse this on one of your statements (and this is after my BELOVED Grandmother's passing) I VERY PROUDLY SHOWED YOU Grandmother's pink dress, and your response? I remmeber distinctly; THAT DRESS WAS PROBABLY 2ND HAND, WHEN MOM BOUGHT IT." WTF????? I VERY happily shop 2ndHand - That Pink Dress was worn to Uncle Parker's wedding, no less.

I strongly believe that you have VERY low regard for me as a person or a human being. Which strikes me as not just hilarious, but fucking hilarious because the only human being's love and regard I have lived my life for is...

YOURS.

Yet - -

You have never ONCE invited me to the cabin. ??? Why is that???

Yet every other human being is invited and much so.

I never could understand the WHY? I take only so much "blame" for that. Then you have to explain why.

It goes back to Do you detest me? Do you??

You never hug me. When I hug you, you actually physically back away so... WHY?

Perhaps it is because, and I am basing it on "assumption" here, you have come to believe, I dislike or hate your wife. I do not hate or dislike Michelle. Never have. I "tolerate" her as I do not think (a) she loves you (b) she is "good" enough for you (c) her interests, at heart, stop at 2 people; Michelle first and foremost, and secondary, Chelsea.

One of the million of reaons that I am writing is to no longer have a fiasco of a birthday as I and Michelle have had to survive. Asking where I would like to go and going elsewhere. Why ask? Why did you? A purse for someone w/very little cash was a real DIG. Considerate too. Did you really buy me a Tshirt? Where is it?

I base my opinion of Michelle on my one daring question of her, "DO YOU LOVE MY FATHER?" The week before she married you, and her reply of LAUGHTER and "NO, I LOVE HIS MONEY."

Are the two of you now "in love"? By my definition? NO. I do not know your definition of LOVE. As having never have "FELT" it.

You said to me, in the chapel, at Grandma's funeral, THAT you wished it was me in there. "There" being the viewing room as I had just asked for your opinion IF you were goin "in" there... And THAT was YOUR reply. So... You do think that? Is that your truth? of Me? Your biological off-spring?

That was the SECOND time you mentioned to me YOU WISHED it WAS ME DEAD. Instead of the first (other) person. All of your Aunties came out to Grandma's to help her thru her grief and I was over too and on our way on the ferry and I remember on the ferry to Uncle Parker's funeral you turned and said to me, I WISH I WAS BURYING YOU.

Nice.

NOT.

SHIT.

Where is your ANGER of ME? Coming from? REALLY?

Buying me the Vaccuum FOR xMAS? You might as well have bought me a 6shooter. You knew the story of my upbringing and the vaccuum. Outright thoughtlessness = Dan.

Again = NICE = Not....

Did you go thru my trailer? That night of calling me those vile statement? What were you searching for? Can I have the taken items back? If you "found" them?

QUIT putting down Bandit. I love him.

Quit putting down Dave R------. He IS the only man I ever LOVED in this life. I would go back with him IMMEDIATELY. Respect him for being the man your Daughter LOVES. If Dave and I met again, I would be with him. My opinion of his is not yours. Never will be.

We need to have a TALK. You and I. I need, and want, to hear your truths.

I am NOT a weak person. I have many fantastic qualities. Get beyond your own limitations of people = money and you will discover you HAVE an AWESOME daughter.

It's up to you IF you want to know ME.

The difference between you and I is this - - > People MUST be allot of things to be "good enough" for you. Me? I value people as Uncle Parker said, "People just have to be."

You ARE MY DADDY and for that, YOU ARE AWESOME. That's it.

I always felt you never "FORGAVE" me for not finishing University. It was not for me. It was not throwing "YOU" away or your help...

Do we have something to salvage? I don't have an answer. Do we? We have to have "THE TALK", if so.

I detest being the unfortunate One. That has to change; BIG TIME.

But I will be fine with whatever you decision will be.

What you never got in your "impression" of me is this - - As you see only weakness. I have so many of, or rather, so much of your genetics; I have strength.

What you NEVER knew was I had a 2 day (full weekend) chat with my beloved Grandma 2 weeks before she passed. I said everything I ever wanted to ask her of her, of me, of you, of Uncle Parker - - > EVERYTHING. And she? Said as why you and I don't work? Too alike.

That got a WHATEVER GRANDMA hahaha

I AM VALUABLE. Treat me so. I am YOUR daughter. Respect me FOR that. No more 3rd place for me i.e. Michelle, Chelsea, Forgotten daughter/me... Forgotten? No more. No thanks.

Or else I am done. I can live with that. As well as I could live with a new beginning. WITH DAD.

Is it because Edith never aborted me and you "had to" marry her? You so innately DISLIKE ME?

I know of those twin boys in Edmonton - YOUR SONS. That woman never aborted them, either, right?

I am here. I am no longer paying for me being a backseat "mistake". At a country dance.

Or is it that you "VIEW" me as your one true failure "in" life? Should have stepped up to the plate, etc., etc.?

I've never blamed you for my upbringing and its shortcomings. Nope. You are MY FATHER. That's it. So get over "it".

I "blame" my Mother, if blame "needs" to go somewhere.

Also, I've always wondered why none of my Paternal family ever visited me at my home(s) in B.C.? Why always the visit was at 2186? Just found that curious too??

Do we have something? ? That is for you to answer. I think so.

Chelsea hates me, yes? Obvious even to me. My doing? Probably. I was too stoned/drunk etc. etc., to build a sister relationship. Back then. Too bad. My loss.

After this letter, others to 5 other people. Yours first. That was my downfall. Lived my life, entire, FOR YOU. i.e What would my DADDY think??? [of this] And was I ever in your hemisphere of thoughts? Ever?

Now you drive home from work and can't even drop by to check-in with your biological daughter. I found it hilarious I am starving, literally, but you reimburse "poor" Chelsea for ferry fees ROFL

Us?? You don't want to? Are my expectations too high to want a visit?

That IS the question.

Up to you, for that answer.

Oh the electronics I received were a Joke. But that's another whole letter.

You said to me, several times, that you "know all about me, more than I know, you know." Oh yes? Then you know that you are a Grandfather?

What DO you know about me? Beyond superficial? Knowledge?

Is it too late to have "MY" desired relationship with you? Dr. Dan?

For that I REALLY DON'T AHVE THE ANSWER. Falk, we must, if so.

Weak, I am not, and your thinking that I am of weaknesses, only, is sad.

I could go on and on. Do you not want to "MY" Father? Is it too vile for you?

Thank you for my home. I would like to trade "up" one day. Skylights and acreage (one) is my dream. 2010?

I don't know if you sent me the Home Depot gift certificate of 200$ but thanks. Made me think you were acknowledging me. At last. And taking an interest, of my interests. I hope so.

Renovations cost lots, hah.

Bye,

Me.

I am open to THE TALK. For everything need to be said. Said. A drunken blowup, misguided... NO THANKS.

If Michelle and/or Chelsea want to be part. Great. If not, that's great too.

Just this, next to nothing, 1sided communication SUCKS. Let me go or get involved. Be my Father or not. 1sidedness SUCKS.

I would like to know IF you would want me IN your world OR NOT.

Okay my Mini-Novella FINITO.

Me.

p.s.

Oh one of my questions before I finish - - Why was Germaine placed so persistently in my world? A spy? To ask all those questions you and Michelle never could? And then you took her interpreations of my answers, as gospel? Did you know she stole from me? Nice one, to base "gospel" on her. Or did you tell her to keep/steal/remove the items "lost" while she was in my world? Yet she had the audacity to say she was MY friend when she was with me? Yet you PAID her to be with me? What? You didn't pay her one week so she removed items from me? THANKS FOR THAT FRIEND placd into my world. I wish I was making this up.

And no I have not lied to you since I have moved here. Before that, I told the truth, but in a very COLOURFUL way.

I am no longer going to "step around" Michelle with my words. I never understood your words, "Michelle saw your photo of your Mother, I almost had to buy her something VERY expensive that day." What????? You just "spawned" forth the day you "married" her??? WHERE'S MY DAD'S BACKBONE? Like really????

Phone is ringing - -

Me.

MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER
i.e. Criminal Minds -
Great I have a NEW Addiction -
For Wednesday Nights - Totally love the dude and his webpage is my kind of warped LOL www.matthewgraygubler.com I believe is what it is. I would sooooooooo love to have him ILLUSTRATE me hahahahaha He is soooooo funny Warped, cute, and I love how he is dressed in his role -
Well Matthew IF you are ever on Vancouver Island and need a GUIDE **WINK** I AM your gal... Errrrr - Guide...
A fan of yours FOREVER...
Charlene

Dear Daddy -

I have been wanting to write to you for a LOOOOONG time probably since you left when I was 3? 4?

I was the typical child, who thought, and still do, that it was my fault that you left. That there was something wrong with ME that you left.

Was that thought ever corrected?? No.

Our relationship has always been sporadic, chaotic, disaster.

Why? That is the question, now isn't it.

Today I am so much regard for you, that you ask me where I would like to go for dinner for my birthday - And you promptly drive somewhere else.

You buy me a Tshirt when you visit Barbados and yet you "forget" it at home. Never to present me with it.

Yet you buy my step-sister whatever she desires for her birthday. Yet I should be the Adult about all of "that" - Of course.

Sorry, I, where you are concerned, forever will be the lost little girl of 4? 3? Where YOU are concerned. Yep.

Have you ever hugged me, without, cringing?

Have you ever entered my home, without stepping forth, with a verbal putdown? No.

Do you love me? Do you? Have you ever? Or am I just a broken-condom made baby? Forcing you to marry my Mother and I have to pay for the sins of the Parents? Within the backseat of a '57 Ford? In back of a Dancehall? After the 3rd dance? WTF would I need to have to have been told all of those details? In one of your many drunken stupors? WHY?

You promised me braces once, I went had them put-on, and when I went for them to be tightened and checked, I was told you had stopped payments on your cheques? So instead of tightening, I had them ripped off, with looks of pity???? From all of those present?

You bought me a car and it was a fucking stationwagon WITH fucking panelling and let me put forth - Chelsea, my "beloved" stepsister gets MY grandmother's car - With you explaining to my family, why I did not - There were outstanding payments on it - Give me a fucking break it was a 10 year old Honda for fuck's sake.

I find it ironic that you had testicular cancer. After the wicked step-mother had so obviously swallowed your other ball. You were always such a strong, opinionated Man. So free, true to yourself, and your love of others. Now? You can't even spend "time" with your ONLY daughter. Begotten by a broken condom, at 19, sure. But I AM YOURS. And your ONLY off-spring.

I get a forgotten tshirt, for my birthday, everyone else with the same surname gets a cheque. Do you worry that I have food in the fridge? No you just forget the damn tshirt.

I put you on a pedastal sure, but after many drunken parties and whatnot you have fallen so far I can't remember YOU.

Where is your backbone? Original thought? Where have you gone Father? Since you married "HER" - This is your life - Buying, travelling, dressing EXACTLY like her BLAH. OMFG. Cloned? I think you are one of those pod people.

I am going to send you a fax next week and say goodbye. What will I miss not having you "in" my life? The disappointments forthcoming? The hurts? Forthcoming? I need to grab me before I commit suicide over my brokenheartedness of my rejectiveness (is that a word?) of my Beloved Father.

There are many other things - Sure I have transgressed too - But I tried I really did. Where even the Wicked StepMother was concerned.

Let's see - What would you like for Xmas? This would be good? How do you like this??? INSTEAD? I fucking hate it, but I held my tongue. Well the tongue is no longer silent. What AM I losing really? Another fucking tshirt? A purse? Wow that took allot of effort - That present ROFL

Empty of course.

Do I just want your cash? Sure. You weaned me of your cash. My 20's when you and I could not be together - A cheque shortly arrived. So I got VERY fast used to that lifestyle. But now The Witch makes sure I am the Forgotten One.

So in turn, you have become my Forgotten One. GoodBye "FATHER"

What a fucking loss.

Not.

I will never understand how you hate me so. How you cringe when I am near. Well enough. Oh I am rambling.

Pffffffffffffffffffffft - Time to purge, puke, and remove myself further from YOU.

People have told me that perhaps it is because I quit University, on your dime, and you have never forgiven me for that and choosing a Man instead of Education.

Get over it. Your daughter was happy then. I tossed him away, for a chance for a relationship WITH my Father.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Both of us.

Right.

Goodbye.

You have your Perfect little family. The stepdaughter who dances your requested tune, not an original thought in her brain. As long as she does the CORRECT dance - 20 presents AND cash are hers. YOUR cash.

Does it feel great to be a Multimillionaire Father? With a daughter that you treat like shit? I can only take so much of the "blame" before it reverts back to YOU.

Your wife. Is a Joke. Fucking ugly, uncaring whore.

Let me regress once, this blog; Hey do you love my Daddy? Since you are marrying him next week?

LAUGHTER - Of course NOT - It's is money I desire.

SHOCKED I WAS.

I have never married. And have been asked many times. Why not? Scared to have kids and have to introduce "them" to The Family of FUCKUPS.

If I am to be truthful. Now I sit here and cry. Over having never married and missing the closeness I threw away because of Fears

Created by having you as

MY

FATHER.

Enjoy your Millions. Minus a Daughter.

FUCKED UP FATHER DENTIST FREAK

making me sad, confused and scared to FALL COMPLETELY IN LOVE

Well no more - I hope it's not too late

FOR

ME

To become WHOLE

at

Last.

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE TY PENNINGTON

Videos of Merit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvzAQNAOQPs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDO5-tthch8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XddXileQ-uI&feature=related



HAHAHAHA I am soooooooooooooooooooooo hyper just like Ty - Him and I as hosts? Would be soooooo bad LOL But I would love a day with him as CO HOST would SOOOOO love that "Dear Oprah, My greatest wish is to co-host with Ty Pennington for a Day - ZERO script LOL"

p.s. IF Ty and I had a boy child he would be SUPERMAN because of his HYPERACTIVITY he would be able to leap over tall buildings in a single jump LOL

Okay Ty you ever make it to VANCOUVER ISLAND CANADA helllllooooo TYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

My Dream of Last Night
Warning: Makes Zero Sense

Okay I was on a lift - Like the kind on a firetruck, at the end of the ladder? That lift? But it was lowered and there were a crowd of people around - At an outdoor concert, as I focused "in" on the dream.

I was on the lift, and the concert was rockin' - I glanced at the stage and it was Bryan Adams - Singin' "Take Me Back"

I had looooong, curly wavy hair, brunette, and yep, hoop earrings on and was wearing a toga/white, with a gold sash. Why? WHO KNOWS LOL

Bryan was just'a rockin' and I was lettin' people onto the lift, when I went to sit down (for some reason there was a "bench" on this lift (guess it was a BIGGER lift HAH) I went to sit down and all of a sudden there was a lap, I was sittin' on!!!

And as I sat down, a hand brushed my hair away, and kissed me just below my ear. (Okay yes, my ALL-TIME favourite touch, to begin EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!!!!) I glanced over my right shoulder and it was...

JASON ANDERSON - OMG?

Who is Jason Anderson to me?

I have not seen this lad since I was 16 and Randy - Like XX years ago???

Here is my outstanding MEMORY of Jason Anderson.

I was the typical 17 year old of the '80's. I dressed like Cyndi Lauper but with Cyndi Crawford hair (At least I thought so **GRIN**)

Well Jason Anderson was my Brother's pal - My brother being 4 years younger was DEFINITELY not in my Social Hemisphere LOL

But - Jason had started school late, and was held back one year so he was 2 years older than my Bro BUT in the same grade. Figure that one out HAHAHAH

Background on Jason Anderson - Young CLONE of Brad Pitt/Matt Damon put them together you get Jason. But he was **FIFTEEN** Shit, not even driving yet LOL Like I said NOT in MY social Hemisphere **GRIN**

This one day, I am sure it was a Saturday... For some UNKNOWN reason...

I was in glory as I had a date with Jim that night (Man I ended up living with as an adult, but NEVER marrying Figure that one out LOL) and so I was rushing around the house Having to "look" perfect for My Jimmy.

Which made ZERO sense as a date was usually either a country dance or a movie and always ending up driving somewhere and making out LOL So "looks" did not REALLY count? Sheeeeesh could have been wearing a potato sack HAH

Back to Jason and my memory of him - -

I was rushing around, and Jason was on the couch, captivated??? At least watching the crazy sister of his pal HAHAHAHA Getting ready for a date.

I was, even then, doing everything at WARPED speed.

So I asked Jason if he would like to be my Attire Critique, for my date that night. He said SURE!!! I tried on like 5 outfits and he okayed the one.

Then came the makeup - Even then I had a Makeup Suitcase LOL So I hauled that out and asked if he would like to help me with my Makeup too.

I really did not understand male hormones at 15 - I had always dated men older; meaning already out of High School NEVER in high school. BLAH. So Jason was like, to me, at least, another bothersome BROTHER!!!!

So I sat down beside him, made myself very comfortable, by putting his legs on either side of me, him facing me and me facing forward. Placing the Makeup Suitcase on my lap, with my legs over his right one.

Then I began the makeup ritual, with his feedback on every placement/colour of the makeup.

By the time I got to my lipstick/lipgloss placement, we were both literally panting. I was teasing him, Strawberry? Or Raspberry? Or Cherry? Hmmmmmm?

I REALLY did not take what I was doing seriously - He was like a puppy to me. Fun to play with, but take for a walk? OUTSIDE? OMG no. LOL I loved the Big Dogs.

I remember him asking me to Kiss him. He was so innocent that he told me He had never french kissed before and he would like me to teach him.

Now looking back Hmmmmmm... Very good line there Jason LOL

I never kissed him, I remember leaning ahead and watching his eyes change a deeper colour and then the doorbell rang and...

I heard my brother Chris, greeting Jim and me bounding off of Jason and wiggling in delight at seeing him.

Yah Jim got very lucky that night LOL

Jason? Last I heard married the first girl that he kissed. French kissed??? And has 3 kids. Which I am sure are shockingly good looking. All girls, if I remember correctly.

Well IF I met Jason again AND IF he were single. I would sure plant one on him NOW lol

Like as IF

But Jason Anderson, formerly of the high school WCI, IF you are single, and if you would like to share a kiss - HELLLLLLOOOOO

Only 20 years OVERDUE hahahahaha

http://www.everydayhero.com.au/event/EarthHour
Hey, I just signed up to the new Earth Hour website for 2008 and I thought you might like to take a look and possibly sign up too. Earth Hour is on 29 March 2008 at 8pm, and it looks like it's going to be really big. So far, as well as Sydney, there'll also be Adelaide, Atlanta, Bangkok, Brisbane, Canberra, Chicago, Christchurch, Copenhagen, Dublin, Manila, Melbourne, Montreal, Odense, Ottawa, Perth, Phoenix, San Francisco, Suva, Tel Aviv, Toronto and Vancouver all turning off their lights for an hour in the name of fighting global warming. And I'm sure there'll be more cities by March. Sign up for Earth Hour with me by visiting http://www.earthhou r.org/user/ iF2C and join the movement.

Hello -

I wanted to take this time to share - What I have been doing in my "Little" Garden - I live in a Trailer (No trailer/trash jokes GRRRRRRRRRRRR) I have a full yard and a small bit of grass in the front of my trailer.

So what I did last weekend was to rip out my front grass - It was yellowed with age and neglect, so no real great loss. I bought organic outdoor plant soil to aid in my "new" garden - I have planted what I call my Rainbow Gladiolas (many bulbs of colours) and then I alternated with pansies/varying shades of Blues and Purples.

White pansy at the base of a tree and I ripped out in the flowerbed, again in the front of my trailer, the over-flowing ivy. Bye Bye Ivy :) That took all of Saturday and again, shades of Blues or Purples of Pansies. And heather at one end.

I bought a large very cute sign/plaque with a, you guessed it, a PURPLE gecko on it with the words; Any day in the Garden is a Good day. That is hanging in the middle of the flower bed.

Friend donated solar lamps to my endeavors and another friend made the rock Olympic mascot - Know the one I mean? for my garden, mini size of course LOL

And I found another flowerbed box, wooden at a garage sale (LOOOOOVE garage sales for Garden "stuff") and painted it florescent pink and mauve and put a swinging WELCOME sign into it and yes, more purple/blue pansies.

On my very small footpath, I put BRIGHT yellow tiles and a wooden angel, variety of colours.

I can't wait until my gladiolas burst forth. But I was sooooooooooooo happy removing the yellowed SAD grass.

Yes that was my weekend of gardening!!!

Charlene
Waving Hello to other Canadian Gardeners, from Vancouver Island!!!

regSource=8258& contest=BRtestSw eeps
http://www.myspace.com/teddygeiger

Okay THAT is THE best web page/Blog on the Web - I was lucky enough to see this young STRESS ON THE YOUNG lol Lad performing in Vancouver I would go again and again

Right now he has a contest to PHONE him and YEP I have LOLOLOL For a Valentine's Contest I am NOT saying what I asked for ROFLLLLLL and NO not THAT per se ROFL

Wowzers is this YOUNG man in person Too talented by far and cuuuuuute OUCH lol

The daily Workout Begins ARGHHHHHHHHH 189.2 and it goes from there...

Bloated and Bitchy is how I start off the Month of February of 2008 - GREAT LOL And wanting sex LOL Double Great hahahaha

Taking PainKillers for the pains of not having a baby once again this month. BLAH.

Wish me Luck to lose the weight... Daily postings to let you know how I am doing!!! Now I am just going to sign off and go and cry I looooove PMS'ing

NOT.

Hey, Contest Blogger is giving away a romantic $100 gift certificate for Valentine’s Day. All you have to do is link back to their homepage free samples WWW.CONTESTBLOGGER.COM and to Good Clean Love WWW.GOODCLEANLOVE.COM increase libido.

Okay being SINGLE and Valentine's soonest... Would **LOVE** to win a Valentine's Contest and Feel Pampered EVEN IF I am single LOL

www.funkroberts.com
2 Thumbs Down for this website as I was "picked" as a November winner of 50$ Thru a variety of emails and questions, on my part, is that Where is my winnings? He repeatedly assured me that "The cheque was in the Mail A LONG TIME AGO."

Well it is now February, basically, and I have not received that cheque. Lost in the mail? Perhaps. But I also have Paypal, and offered Paypal to receive the winnings. But that was not accepted by him, and he reassured me that a "new" cheque would be issued and once, again, "in the mail."

So I, being an avid contestor, and enjoy WINNING AND RECEIVING, my winnings. Tell other contestors to pass this site, to enter his contest, as I will say that you DO NOT receive your cash/cheque

BOO to Funk Roberts and his "contest"

2 THUMBS DOWN.

Mo:

Yah Yah you guessed rightly who(m) it was/is whatever... I just wanted to say that I would like a straightup chance with you To hang out, whatever... You met me at a very UNHAPPY time at my life - I would like to get to know you Mo and you to get to know me Basically HangOut and go from there I think you would like the Char HAPPY that you would meet 250-7 2 Road N I bought my place, it's a fixer upper and I would like to fill it with friends And you I would be very proud of to have as my VERY GOOD friend Bandit and MeowMeow my Ragdoll kitty would be very happy to welcome you into our home WHENEVER Still painting Call or visit sometime Take care of you, Charlene The cut and dry of it I think we both have allot in common - Love to cycle, ride fast bikes/me skidoos LOL I love art, would love to share that with you... Tons of things more... I could share with you over time AND the basis being? I genuinely LIKE Mo always have... There it is in a nutshell..

RE - www.therollingexhibition.com

I saw your story on 20/20 and my first reaction was basically what you captured in your photography - yes a stare.

Then it put my life into a Dimmer switch. My second reaction was I would never have been the person you are with the life's body form that you have been given. Travel the world? Take photos? Ski? Hardly I would have been in a room, alone and very dark.

Then an hour after I watched the show and then read your web page - I could not stop crying - I am overweight and now the weight loss is achievable. You can proudly travel the world AND document it AND be on tv? And smile through it all? I CAN LOSE WEIGHT.

Thank you. If you are ever in British Columbia Canada, travelling or what not/book signings etc etc I would love to know that you are and I would love to be able to say hello, shake your hand and say Thank you. You inspired me and I have bookmarked your webpage and will check in - BIG TIME.

Thank you, you inspired another human being.

Ms. Charlene

Dear Aunty -

Thank you very much for your letter. It was a pleasant surprise to the start of the New Year of 2008.

Matthew will be Mr. clan “teacher soon – Yikes LOL Wow – Wish I could sit in the back of the room and raz him unmercifully on his first day, if not first week. **BIG GRIN**

And Cameron – What can I say there? I really think the boy is Adopted HAH Found in a cornfield somewhere, right? A 2nd what? Dr. clan in the bunch. Wow, and I think you said he was in Emergency this past summer? Well all I can say there is Winnipeg has it's own Dr. McDreamy in the making... Still waiting for my Red Car – a Mrs. Cameron clan would have been a welcome addition to the family LAST summer HAH


My news? I am just writing to say that I will no longer be accepting letters from anything clan – For how long? As long as it is best for me and my personal wellbeing and health, which is looking like forever, basis being my Counsellor and myself. Or visits, or phone communications or whatnot. Although, & I am sad to say, I could count on ONE hand the communications MY way, to MY PERSONAL number in 20 years. I will take credit, only so much. And then walk. Remove my expectations of anyone clan. And I won't extend myself either.

I will miss you forever and what I will forever call “The Boys – But it is best for me and my personal well being. To walk away COMPLETELY.

Dan has distanced himself from me, and I am owning up to it being allot of my fault. Waited too long for counselling and the damage was done – There are a million of a reasons why Dan and I experienced our final break – I have not talked or seen my biological male parent since February 2007, after horrible words burst forth from his lips.

Which made me seek INTENSE counselling for the last year. Which has taught me that distance is best for me, too. I am changing my name, right now trying to figure out how it can be financed by the Government and Mental Health Services. My counsellor is working on that with me.

In all honesty, I just wanted one clan to stop ONCE in Vancouver to visit me when ONE clan flew out to Dan's home. As the Lower Mainland was enroute to Vancouver Island. But no Not once. I have forgiven all of you. Why visit a Niece? Cousin? Etc Etc when you could have a Much Better time in many ways at Dan's place. Financially especially. The meals would not be as expensive nor would the accomendations be as fantastic either. Yeah Don't visit the Poor Relation, when you can IMMEDIATELY visit riches LOL.

I reached out to every clan so many times. Calling, inviting and always I had to visit AT DAN'S place. It never made sense to me logically. But through the intense counselling I have experienced in the last year, I have forgiven the Lot of you for NEVER visiting me. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Like this time, Big Time.

Your very last line of your letter made me feel that I could be honest with you. I have along time ago said goodbye to Uncle John. Through counselling. Lots of hours. It has made me re-evaluate everything, question all that has gone before re clan. And see what it is EXACTLY that MOI needs.

I require people in my life that I communicate with and visit, and they visit me and share things, JOYFULLY and what not. More than once/year and at a designated place, by others, I always was proud of my homes, and I am very proud of my home NOW and that is why I am going to protect it by inviting people that are of equal EMOTIONAL stance as me, for them.

This is basically a letter stating that I loved you and The Boys as the best of the clan But please understand, I have to choose to do what's good for me, Aunty. I hope you will find it in your heart to grant me this decision.

No this is not a Cry for Help. Quite the opposite I am at a Strength that I have not felt since I was 20 and I (stress on the I) decided that I WANTED to move to B.C. And start another adventure/chapter in my life.


Dan has his “Perfect” family now – I just detract from it. I will bet you if you asked him Name 5 things about Moi – He probably could not. Other than the superficial things. Obvious first glance things. Deeper things? Nope. I will take only so much credit for besmirching the “relationship – I never really forgave him for leaving me to such a cruel, barbaric home. Daddy's are supposed to take care of their little girl's, aren't they? That is a wound I will carry. Could he overcome such a hurdle? I can't see it. Nor can I forgive him for his words said the last time we were together. Nope, can't see it.

I've reached out to Dan recently after not talking for what? Almost a year, and his response? I don't know when I will have time for you Char. Then went onto state that step-sister Chelsea blah... blah... blah.., but he could NOT visit his blood daughter whom he drives by to go to work. I am walking. You somewhat have the story, incomplete, be it that it is.

I love every family member of this clan there is. But I just never “got” y'all. And yep, never felt “included” so I no longer have the desire to want to, or rather have the need to.

Yes, no longer the expectation of “One Day a relative will drive up to my Home ON THEIR OWN and be ecstatic to see Me. Without the Dan background. I so FREAKING more than Dan's DAUGHTER sheesh I never felt acknowledged as my own Separate person, around any of you. I was just ONE DIMENSIONAL – MUST be experienced ONLY at Dan's.

Best of luck to you and I know The Boys will rock the world. Why not? Look who their parents are. Hahahahahaha

Respect my wishes and do not forward this to Dan. It all has been discussed with him, name change and distancing and my health etc etc Mutual agreement, all.

Ms. C

Well today was a very relaxing day... Shopping day...

Addicted to shopping... BIG TIME... It is my aphrodisiac LOL Of life itself... Went to a bookstore and bought a book of spells... Will read that at a later date... BIG TIME...

Then wandered over to a local thrift store... With my pal Larry, older gent and hilarious...

What I bought at the Thrift store was a really kewl pottery - What made it kewl was the fact that it ws painted like 2 fishes, facing opposite. Like my Sign of Pisces. Totally Me.

Also I bought a hanging hook and it is a LARGE flower - Which is what I made my dining area to be the theme of Plants and Flowers - I am going to use the hook to hang Bandit's leash Right by the door, so it's perfect...

Love thrift stores...

Oh and a cover for my IPOD Nano so it won't get scratched... Sparkly PINK... Totally kewl, if not outright pretty hahahaha

Also groceries - I have decided to go Vegetarianism - To lose my weight. So far 2 days in a row - Wish me luck.

Totally a Me Day Needed.

Okay, okay one of my New Year's Resolutions was to write in my blog DAILY - Oooooops I missed ONE day WON'T occur again.

Today is a day that I will head "Men Cannot Be Understood EVER" Let me give the example why;

I have known this male person off and on in my life and then not for like ever. In the interim that I did not know him he was an extreme drug addict - But then again, any drug abuse IS extreme - So bad for him, that I believe he was homeless, a street person and yes, was dragged into court. Where he stated publicly when the judge reprimanded him, that of late he was keeping his "nose clean" Bitter, sad sarcasm for his extreme cocaine use. The judge, needless to say, was NOT amused.

So with that known as his life's background, I wrote to him, via an email, asking him if he was okay, as I had not heard from him for about 2 weeks?

His reply? I don't know why you are freaking out I went to Kelowna for Xmas. WHATEVER on that note.

Men? As that author so CORRECTLY stated... ARE from MARS. Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr out.

Am I concerned about this male ANYMORE? HARDLY.

Blah.

http://www.thisismychevrolet.ca/Default.aspx?VehicleCardId=4580

Okay the THRID day of painting and I am at a CONFUSION point...

I have hired this carpenter thru an ad that he had online/locally and today... He told me last night that he would be here at Noon to do the work that I requested for him to do toay (strip the paint from front door) and strip the paint from the window for the wall in plant room and repaint sea green...

It is now 220 p.m. and I have not heard a PEEP from him, nor is he answering his phone/cell... I have never hired a "carpenter" before so do not know how to proceed from this point?

Just sitting here confused So I am guessing that all that will be done will be the PAINTING that I am doing myself?

The wierd thing is the carpenter gave me a ride last night for groceries... And to make room in his little truck he left his tools here (bandsaw and stuff) in my storage room/mud room and there they sit???

WTF?

What's that saying? If you want to do it well? Best? Do it yourself? BLAH

Well back to PAINTING I go... WHICH I AM DOING MYSELF and well I might add...

Oh CONHFUSION REIGNS

blah

So far I have painted the PRIMER Yayyyyyy But as I do so I am feeling GREAT!!! Goodbye UGLY FLOWERED WALLPAPER!!!

Things that I have learned so far painting the PRIMER within my bathroom -

Perhaps I should have taped everything off LOL - PERHAPS it is easier than wiping off paint flyoffs everywhere - - > Like onto the wall mirrors ((Which MIGHT be disappearing in this overhaul like WHO wants to look at themselves IN THE TUB? OMG lol) Ummmmm - Not me.

Easier to paint everything WHITE rather than paint around it Example; Shelving over the tub LOL No longer FAUX wood now WHITE primer/stain HAHAHAHA

Does one realize how frigging hard it is to paint AROUND a toilette? ARGHHHHH

Keeping a dog out of a room you are painting is easier than keeping a cat out of the room.

The clothes that you begin painting in, by your best efforts will become covered Hence COVERALLS are a necessary item in a painter's world.

Hair MUST be a ponytail or else instead of frosted hair PAINTED hair and BADLY.

Perhaps the tub should be painted too? LOL

How heavy should the PRIMER be on the walls? I still have not figured that one out.

I am painting instead of sleeping - go figure.

Coffee and painting should be required daily highs HAHAHAHA

I want a certain fellow to help me paint and he's saying NO so far - Like why? LOLOLOL Aren't women bewitching in painter coveralls? Like come onnnnnn hahahaha

Should I or should I not smoke weed while I paint? That is the question of the day.

Should I dare to do laundry in the bathroom/laundry room that I am currently painting? That is the question.

Wow it's going to be SHOCKING white in here LOL I can tell that already from the Primer/Stain. Yayyyyy CHANGE IS MARVELOUS.

Tunes are a MUST while painting.

IPODS are GREAT for painting - Hey Apple want a painter girl to be in your next commercial? I am sooooo there!!!

Textured look for the bathroom? Nooooo, JUST the bedroom.

Well - that's it for now -

Painter Char, OUT.
Day2

I have decided to renovate my place. I will be taking photos as it progresses. What I am doing right now is CLEANING/WASHING the walls with that TSP stuff? Is that what it is called. Have painter coveralls on YAYYYYY LOL

Then going to paint everything/where it is UGLLLLLLLLY wallpaper SHOCKING white colour. Which I am REALLY excited about. I can't wait. I am wanting to BRIGHTEN up the interior. So that is the goal. Photos to follow.

Mannnnnn I can't see how PAINTERS do this day in day out HAHAHAHAHA HARD LABOUR... Big time. I have not done HARD LABOUR since my 20's But I think that this will be good for me. BIG TIME.

More tomorrow.

I have also hired MO to work with me this weekend. It will be INTERESTING if he shows up LOL

That part of it will be INTERESTING. I will keep the journal posted :)

Later, alligator.

Charlene

Oh let me list what renovations I "WANT" to do for my trailer -

Paint it from the UGLY brown on brown that it is to SeaGreen on SeaGreen
Cover the deck to be a sun room/plant/herb room with tons of light (one wall is going to be the bevelled light.

Painting the mud room (which is where MO comes in) He is going to do the ceiling I get to wash that room today and put things away, today. Yayyyyy its flipping cold out there LOL

Rip out the carpeting in the spring, YAYYYYY put a new floor down. Hard wood floor look -

Basically it is to BRIGHTEN up this hellhole BIG TIME.

I will post more as I think what it is else that I want to do.

As I end this year, of which has been a Let's Really Do Nothing Year and Escape in the Black Hole of Me and Be NoOne and Do Nothing...

I have been in a dark, dark hole this year and it just "hit" me today... In all ways when I was watching Oprah... A show which I really don't "relate" to - she's black, she a ka-zillionaire... Etc. Etc.

But today, the question was put forth, "If I had One Day Left, who would you call?"

I would not call anyone I am a writer, typist and I would write "those" letters that I have wanted to write to people...

Let's See -

Dear Uncle John -

Hi, I have 24 hours left and so I thought that I would write you this letter. Were you ever aware of me? Did you ever love ME? Let me quote one Xmas which I shrugged off at the time - I was at Dad's home and I was wandering around the malls of Nanaimo with you and Aunty Nancy and you looked at me like you had never seen me before and actually said, (and I quote) "OhMyGod, I never knew that YOU were going to be here, at your Dad's, OhMyGod, we never got you a gift." You stared at Aunty Nancy as if she could provide an awe-inspiring answer. I just shrugged it off and said, "Oh that's fine Uncle John, I am just happy to see you and Aunty Nancy."

And I went off in my life feeling invisible, strengthened by your words and actions and gained more weight. To hopefully be what? Noticed by the clan? Nope.

I cannot name ONCE that a clan member called me, wished me Happy Birthday. What a cold fucking family.

But I digress from the REAL letter that I would spend the remaining 23 hours writing.

Dear Daddy,

Will you miss me? Or will you just be pissed off by the inconvenience of having to pay for something of Charlene's once again? i.e. My funeral. I am sure that it will be but a pauper's funeral. Pfffffffffffft. I was NEVER your first choice for finer items in life. Now that she's dead, she doesn't know.

Everyone thought that I thought that you "walked on water" that you were my "Golden" Prince of a Father.

I thought that when I was 10. But let me count the ways that you have, Dear Father, have fallen from your Pedastal. Not very gracefully either.

Let me entitle it, "Did You Ever Notice ME Father? Did you ever KNOW ME?"

When I was 13, I ran away from an extremely abusive situation in Manitoba and yep, in shorts, flip flops, a sweater-tee, and 78cents, I was away. Thinking YOU were my saviour. My Helper. My God.

I arrived on your doorstep, none worse the wear. The treatment "on the road" was actually kinder than any I had experienced at my "Home" You left me to when I was 4. Did you even Care? That you were leaving me, at four, with a Nazi-Hutterite of a step-father? Did you? Ever?

But I arrived on Vancouver Island, after a stranger's help at HorseShoe Bay Ferries, of cash help. Of which the man told me, "Are you running TO help? Or are you running away? If you are running away, I won't help you, because my daughter ran away when she was about your age, and I have never seen her since."

He fed me dinner, of my choice (fish and chips, all the way, exotic to me then, as I was now on the westcoast and of course, FISH). Plus he gave me 2 50$, to get onto the ferry with and a cab to get home with.

Funny the things one's mind remembers...

But you, "Dear" Daddy, were not there, as you were busily sailing back from your "Around the World Adventure" Sailing trip. Of which your ex-wife, called via the radio phone, onto your boat, "YOUR daughter has left, she is probably dead by now, but thought I should tell you, she is PROBABLY ON HER WAY TO YOU. ALTHOUGH WHY I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND."

Did you care then that I was perhaps DEAD?

I saw you with Jan, your BEAUTIFUL now EX, at your boat, walking towards you, and wanting to run to you and hug you, my GOLDEN/BLONDE DADDY. Wanting to finally be YOUR LITTLE GIRL, loved.

Instead what occurred was THIS: You turned towards me and stated, as you twirled in the chair, "Charlene..." and promptly projectile vomitted all over the floor.

No sound in the room, of which there were about 30 adults and ME. Only DEAD/PETRIFIED silence.

Then

ONE

MINUTE

LATER...

Jan's shocked words, "OH DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..."

Of which I turned to stare at her, wordlessly.

I never talked for the next thirty days, nodding or shaking my head were my only replies.

Then I moved out to YOUR home at nineteen, of which you began your EXTREME CONTROL of me, but I DIDN'T CARE at 19, BECAUSE I WAS WITH MY GOLDEN FATHER.

BLAH.

My introduction to your "World" was that you were a drunk, you abused your title of Dentist by having, after hours, "Gas, gas, gas" Parties/Orgies. Of which, once, ***** and I arrived "home" and heard "noises" from downstairs/your dental office. Of which ***** being the more curiouser one of the two of us, I could not care less... Went downstairs to investigate. Very quickly ***** was back and stated quite honestly, Hey the dental gas is flowing downstairs and everyone is naked down there."

Needless to say we deserted my HOME.

Another weekend, another gas, gas, gas party. I arrived home and you, Dear Daddy, were downstairs, quite crazed and when you heard me upstairs, came upstairs with what I think, in memory, was a shot-gun, and your crazed/gassed up eyes/thinking you told me, Are you safe? I am going to protect you THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING.

I was like WTF?

You opened up the upstairs windows and promptly shot the streetlights out. I just watched, once again MUTE.

Fascination? Shock? Who's to say?

Then you turned my way, saying, I GOT THE RUSSIANS!!! See? I shot out their planes' headlights. So you are safe.

I just shook my head. My Fucked up Father and I am "supposed" to be Normal. Hmmmmm...

I did not know which woman to call.

I called Michelle and she stated, after I asked her IF I should call an ambulance for my Father, her reply - DON'T DO THAT, HE WILL LOSE HIS LICENCE. I WILL BE RIGHT OVER.

In Michelle speak, that means THAT WILL BE THE END OF THE GRAVY TRAIN OF $$$$$$

You ditched Jan.

Did I have a say? No.

You MARRIED Michelle. I won't even go there. I would be writing for DAYS/YEARS/IONS... She is so justNOTthere. A breath of fresh air? No a vaccuum. She sucks away peace piranha.

I watched throughout the years as I began to "disappear" in your eyes.

Or did I ever exist for you? I wonder.

One year you bought me hair products for Xmas, about 300$ worth, which was hilarious because I had shaved off my head 3 weeks before. To help a friend with her cancer baldness and "gave" her my waist-length hair. But you were NEVER attached/entrenched into my life, that you were not aware. So there was shocked silence as I laffed at the gift, as I removed the cowboy hat, and bandanna and presented you with my PROUD bald head. Of which your interpretation was, "Are you gay?"

On Gay Dyke Women, to you, shaved their heads.

BLAH.

You hated/hate every man I have ever loved. I have never asked you why. Belittling all of them, after the fact as they passed from my world. Never taking joy in the fact that your Daughter was able to BE IN LOVE, fully and completely.

They were men I LOVED. For FUCK'S SAKE. I LOVED THEM. Shit, shit, shit. In fact I even contemplated making babies with 2 of them. But you just belittled.

One time Chelsea and I were at the house, Departure Bay, and being females fussing in the bathroom, doing hair, perfume, lipgloss (okay that was my type of fussing LOL) When I came out, twirling in my outfit, Dear Daddy your words were, "At least my Daughter is NOT the fat daughter."

Another time, after Grandma S. died, you GAVE Chelsea GRANDMA'S car, stating that there was money owing on it AND I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH to make the payments. Yet Chelsea, being 15 years younger WAS? Which was complete bullshit because MILLIONAIRE FATHER would not let his Mother have a car OWING money on. Give me a FUCKING BREAK. D-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... When do I come out? Number one? Acknowledged? Always running on the treadmill BEHIND Chelsea BECAUSE you married her Mother. So I once again, disappeared. Slooooowly. Once again, yep.

Of which I internalized that by ballooning to my now 200 pounds and Chelsea became NOT THE FAT DAUGHTER.

Shit shit shit.

I told Aunty Betty Ann one year, once again, at Departure Bay, that I had Grandma's dress (after Grandma S's passing) that she had worn to Aunty BettyAnn's wedding. And Aunty BettyAnn said that Wow, I would love to see it, I don't remember it.

Of which your contribution was, Dear Daddy, "Why would you want to see it? It was probably 2nd hand when she bought it, nothing was ever BRAND NEW for Mom. Never."

Shocked silence once again. What do you say to such a fucking stupid statement? Especially from me, your daughter, who is an AVID thrift store shopper and would NEVER NEVER NEVER buy NEW whatfor? Inflated prices anyways.

I watched in silence as Chelsea, my step-sister EVERY XMAS got 15 presents to my ONE ONE ONE gift every year.

One year when I lived with *** Dear Daddy, you sent me LINGERIE for Xmas - *** sat there in silence as I opened it and looked at the gift card, "Your FATHER sent you LINGERIE for a PRESENT? XMAS? THAT'S SOOOOO FUCKED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS."

I just said, "So what - it's for fucking, isn't it? Let's fuck."

Yeah.

You came to my HOME, my trailer, YOU BOUGHT FOR ME, DEAR DADDY, and in a drunken almost stupor, with a SILENT Michelle, BLAH... Called me a LAZY STUPID FAT WHORE.

Of which I internalized and gained more weight.

Well you, for me too, no longer "CONTROL" me - "DEAR DADDY" I am saying Goodbye to you. I am making a resolution in 2008 NOT to contact you EVER in 2008. What for?

My best friend, and confidante, Narda and I have a "joke" about you, Dear Daddy. It goes something like this...

Isn't My Daddy such a warm, caring demonstrative MAN?

No your DADDY is just a DEMON. PERIOD.

And her and I burst out in laughter. Gales of laughter.

I can't handle you Dear Daddy, no more.

I need to grab MY LIFE. At last. And find ME. Learn to LOVE ME. In 2008.

My latest contest link ((please click on and I will get another entry THANKS))

Sometimes we meet someone in our lives for a very brief time... And they make a great effect on our overall "impression" of our world... Just such a person was Mervin. I met him volunteering and he made me feel welcome with his smile... He would always have time to listen, with a smile and a sit down. Or I would see him throughout town, walking and once again, his bright smile of Hello. And he would ask me how I was doing that day. I felt listened to by Mervin. He will be missed.

At the place where we both volunteered, there was this dedication;

Mr. Mervin ... passed away on Saturday, October 13, 2007. Mervin resided at the ... .... Hotel. Mervin worked for our community, volunteering countless hours with the ..., .... ..., the ... and ... ... ... ... to name a few.
Mervin had many friends. He was a kind, thoughtful and gentle man, a man of integrity who always put the needs of others before his own. His keen insight and perception of life were peppered with humour. He accepted and respected all without judgement.
Farewell Mervin - - we will cherish your memory and thank you for sharing your philosophy of giving. You touched many lives.

A non-secular service will be held Tuesday, October 30th at 2 p.m. at First Memorial Funeral Service Chapel.

I finally understand the saying; "This is the first day of the rest of your life..." For today I finally feel "together", connected - Mind/Body/Spirit

I recognize that we are labelled by our bodies... Currently I am 180lbs and 5'6" Which is, yep, obese. So I've decided to get on with it.

So far I have exercised on my bike/stationary, while I am reading the book Daughters of the Moon Sisters of the Sun - This book helps me as I am reading about 'girls' that are writing about their feelings of being Disconnnected and the like. While they were growing up - That was me. BIG TIME.

Also in the book, is stories from Women that tell of their feelings of Disconnectedness too. One such that I was surprised was Lindsay Wagner (Of 'my' generation, forever known as Bionic Woman; all powerful woman) So it was quite surprising to me that she would lock herself into her home for days/3 days I think she mentioned - And her solution? Is quite simple. Reach out; call someone.

A young girl says that to stop the disconnectedness is to do art, reach out and the like. So that is what I am going to do.

Art has always been my way to express myself. Erratic art, hahahaha But art nonetheless. On Wednesday I am going to go to the Gym and Sign up for their Clay classes and go from there. I love clay; been playing in the 'dirt' joyfully all my life. Love the female figurine. So going to go sign up for that.

I reached out the other day - Slowly - To 2 women Cheryl and Lizzie - And neither woman rejected me. In fact, Cheryl thinks that I am AWESOME (Her word not mine LOL) Slowly my mind and body is coming together...

Now that Father thing - I am going to meditate over that and see what the cards have to say tonight. All of them.

Well I have heard from someone recently that I am bi-polar... I have run that word thruout my brain over and over and I have concluded

Nope.

As I do not experience the WOWS or rather the HIGHS... Although I do go on shopping "sprees" Love to. But always have.

I have decided that to get "out of" my recent slump I am going to setup DAILY GOALS Let it be basic like clean the house, from end to end - Which makes me feel wonderful BIG TIME. Or workout ALL DAY long... Or Burn music or make it to the Dr. or Write in my journal or whatever it be - I AM GOING TO SET DAILY GOALS.

And do it.

So for tomorrow/Friday I am going to clean my home, from one end to the other AND burn more music to completely fill my IPOD So more Trance music... Medieval music...

I love a clean home.

Saturday's goal is to go grocery shopping for the complete Thanksgiving List. of Foodstuff.

Monday is the day I am going to cook. Then Tuesday... Not sure.

Wednesday I have a meeting with Triumph. So that is as far as I go. Oh wait Tuesday Jan is supposed to come and visit me.

Oh my other goal is to stop the sadness over my Father. Does he think of me? Highly doubt it.

Okay... that is my ramble for today... WOW... **EVIL GRIN**