The Dream Starring Lance Armstrong

Setting: A Wooden Park/Pathway, biking path, somewhat paved.

About 2 p.m.-ish PST

I am cycling along - Quite enjoying the bliss of an afternoon ride, when this gentleman, zips by me in a yellow biking shirt, and blue biking pants.

I don't "really" notice the man, riding by until after he is by. When the name crested on his helmet regsiters after-the-fact. Lance Armstrong!!!!

So I race after him, suddently quite ecstactic that here, of all parks/riding parks in the world, he is riding HERE!!!!!!!!

He glances back once and I try to wave at him, without crashing my bike and do not have enough breath to say his name, or to ask him to stop, Please!!!!

I swear that I see a smile cross his lips, and a flicker of amusement in his eyes. Which causes me to ride faster (faster in my world...)

Suddenly he is gone around a bend and I begin to wonder, if he was just an apparition?

Damn!!!

I try to cycle faster, without a heart attack happening, when out of the mist, and around the bend, a wooden, log cabin appears. The windows covered with lace curtains. I see "his" bike leaning against the doorway, which stands open.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Suddenly very bad country music I hear, coming from the cabin. I cycle closer. Daring to lean my bike, beside his. Even my bike is second-rate. I remove my bike helmet and leave it on my handlebars.

I step into the doorway and look around. A tall glass of pink lemonade stands on the counter and no sign of the "Mysterious" if-it-was Lance Armstrong???

I gulp down the liquid and then I notice stairs going to a loft, where large floor to ceiling windows are the wall. I hear someone moving around up there and wonder - Could it be???

Ignoring Temptation's Lure has never been my strong suit, I climb the stairs.

Once at the top, and looking towards the bed of the loft, there is LANCE ARMSTRONG!!!! Sans shirt.

I stand at the top of the stairs and just stare. Not daring to breathe or speak.

It is indeed Lance Armstrong. I try not to gape, stare or outright drool. My thoughts are racing. Mainly OMG OMG OMG How can a smalltown Canadian gal be near a half-naked cycling God? OMG OMG OMG

I can't move, breathe or speak.

I can't believe how much taller he is in person and not at all petite. I thought he would be somehow "slight" in bearing but he is all man, and strength radiates from him.

I still have not moved, breathed or spoke. I can't.

Lance's only movement is to watch me with a slight smile.

I move, like time has stood still, one step towards him.

Waiting for what? Rejection? Yeah, outright rejection. Cheryl Crow, I'm not - CharleneAnn I am. **SIGH**

I realize with a start, how very much I want this man. How very much it would kill me inside, deep down inside for him to reject me right that very moment.

I lick my suddenly dry lips and suddenly I notice his cat-like eyes. He misses Nothing, I notice.

Mmmmmmmmm, I think. How very much I want this very first kiss.

Suddenly I am rushing towards him, telling him breathlessly, "Lance I want you right now, I need you - - Right now."

Impulsively I push THE Lance Armstrong onto the bed and he falls deep into the downcomforter.

How very beautiful Lance Armstrong looks - Smiling up at me!!!

I mount the beautiful male creature, smiling up at me. I tear off my button down shirt, and scream his name, telling him again how very much I want Just Him. That. Very. Moment.

I impulsively cover his face with kisses, and whispers naughty words into his ear, telling him what I am going to do to him, that very afternoon.

I am the aggressor, not believing my luck!!! I grind my hips into his, wanting him to be aware with every fibre of his being, how very MUCH I want all of him.

I reach down and pull off his bike shirt and shorts and enjoy his hardness. Mmmmmmm... Live Strong.

Indeed.

I roll onto my back and he follows me, and I mouth, Fuck Me Armstrong.

Now.

Instead he slowly slides inside of me and I climax as he smiles down at me.

Once again I shudder his name and then get the giggles, as I once again can't believe I am - With - - Lance Armstrong.

OMG.

I wrap my legs around him, not wanting to release him quite yet. And softly kiss his cheek. Not knowing if I should say Thank you??? At that very moment, as I can't believe my luck???? Good Fortune????

For my dream coming true - - In so very many ways.

That naked - Lance Armstrong was very much more than I ever dreamt. Or thought to be.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I slip the comforter over us and murmur, "Stay with me, warm me, spoon with me."

I feel him curling around me - and think OMG OMG OMG How can I continue my life PAST THIS POINT? Everything past this point will be so anti-climatic????

So very happy I am at this very moment, as I drift off to sleep, as I am held by - -

The

Lance

Armstrong.

To make it, to have it continue to be, I curl my ankle around his, and then I drift to sleep. Content like I have never been before.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... I mumble a soft thank you, and I swear I feel him smile, into my hair.

My last thought, I want you like this Lance, again and again and again.

Questionnaire that Ron Brown Just Sent to Me –

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
Yes, my Auntie Annie named me. I am CharleneAnn in “honour” of Auntie Annie. She lived at 1062 Redwood Avenue, we lived at 1065 Redwood. Auntie Annie still maintains (to this day) that the “stork” turned right instead of left i.e. Made a “wrong” turn **SMILE**

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU REALLY CRIED?
Ugh. 2 Thursdays ago. The worst fight ever with my Father “Dr. Dan.” I have not seen him since – Actually zero contact. Have “no” feeling about it - - yet.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes, I do. I practiced as a child my handwriting. Because I was still “of” the generation that it was NOT “acceptable” to write left-handed. So was “encouraged” (by hits on the left hand – by a ruler nonetheless – Ms. Crockett Grade 4 teacher I remember OMG) NOT to write left-handed. So in turn, I “practiced” so my handwriting would NOT “look” left-handed. If that makes any sense at all?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Currently, I am a Born-Again Vegan. But favourite meat? Is Ukrainian Sausage – Is that a lunchmeat tho? It was for all the Ukrainians in Winnipeg, I was brought up with **SMILE**

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Kind-of – I currently am “owned” by a Wacky Dalmatian – Like a 2 year old Terror in polka dots. Male.

IF I WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, to try to “get” me. As myself? I sure can’t HAH

DO YOU USE SARCASM ALLOT?
Ummmmmmmmmm, yes. Too much.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I live IN the town of the Bungee Jump of B.C. I have bungeed and I have done it Naked. It was quite an experience – Two fears in one session killed – Fear of heights and fear of public nudity – I forgot I was jumping when I hit the “bottom” as I was thereafter more concerned of my breasts hittin’ me in the head. HAH All you heard was SnapSnap Then me going Owwwww – That hurt and then me Hangin’ on to them for the rest of the bouncin’ HAHAHAHA Would I do it again? Sure as a Duo with someone who has never bungeed before.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
What are those multi-colour lil’ circle ones? Ahhhhhhhhh been awhile since I have eaten “brand” cereal. Or oatmeal with brown sugar – Or… I am drawing a blank here – WARNING – Don’t drink wine and do this survey LOL

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
When it counts, I am. When first confronted with a problem? My gut reaction is to flee – Immediately. That I acted upon many a time – In crises situations – Finding myself 100’s of miles elsewhere and the other person(s) wondering WTF did she go? Or where Is Charlene? LOL Not an ideal way to deal with “sticky” situations. At all. I am strong, when pushed. Initially I flounder. I am not strong initially in relationships – I am “hoping” for them/the man/other person to “get” my Hints LOL Passive Aggressive? Sure – Where men are concerned. Women? I am too “in their face” LOL

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
2 – Coffee or Cappuccino. Or throwing Bailey’s into my Ice Cream. Oh yeah!!! Or throwing peanut butter into my chocolate ice cream – Or doing that “for” me??? Will get you many, many favours HAH or allot of Yes’s from me.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Too much the Dentist’s kid – I notice their teeth. Then their eyes. But in a group situation? When I first walk into a room? And there are a group of people (more than 2) – I can “see” peoples’ auras or their hurts on their bodies. Hurts are black areas/colour “floating” by their body where the hurt is. But I can only see auras of groups of people up until the point when no one is aware of me yet, walking into the room. Then once noticed, it’s like the group “shuts down” or… Don’t know how to explain why the aura disappears en masse.

RED OR PINK?
Hot Pink. Being a female, forced to become very aware of the colour red.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I am not forward, or I don’t know how to express myself “positively” - - Aggressively?? To a male that I consider attractive. It’s like I become this True Pisces and fish around. Like for example, instead of saying – Hey I like you, would you like to WHATEVER – I say So what are you doing Saturday? Or I am even more vague – Or I “use” sarcasm – And am way too forward LOL So I am removing myself from “outright” rejection. So I’m single and MAD at me. So I guess I am my own “worst” enemy as the saying goes. Or another example, there is someone I would like to date, recently – I said, Hey I’m in town on such and such a date – let’s meet for WHATEVER and his reply? Oh I’m busy working out that night or I’m busy cycling that night. Instead of my saying further statements Like I am there the whole f’g night MORON lol I take it as rejection OF ME i.e. take it damn right personal and think MF lol And retreat. I’ve always had “aggressive” men in my 20’s or I was outright aggressive in my 20’s – It worked then – Hey wanna fuck? Of course they did – I was a size two with hooters LOL Now that I want a “relationship” I don’t have the “skills” to BEGIN one… Okay long-winded reply/answer. Confusion how to move it from a VERY secret (known only to myself and my online blog lol) “crush” to “something”…

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Dead? 2 Uncles – Uncle Parker – He loved me unconditionally. Just Did. He “let” me Be ME. Completely and Wholly and loved me. In fact, took joy in my being Unique. I didn’t have to be the person he “wanted” me to be. He loved me FOR me. 2nd Uncle Doug – He was the sunshine of my Maternal side. He lit up a room, before he was even in the room. Everyone IMMEDIATELY loved Uncle Doug. Always was with his guitar – Would serenade every female in the room – You were Special AND loved when Uncle Doug was around. Alive? Cousin Allan – I love COMPLETELY and WHOLEY my Cousin Allan. I was the first to “see” him when he was born – He was MY baby – I introduced him to the rest of the family. There was an Instant connection between the 2 of us. INSTANTLY. When he grew up – and became this chubby teenager – His “older” cousin Charlene would take care of the Bullies – NO ONE hurt my Beloved Cousin Allan. I moved away when he was 14 – So I never “knew” him as an Adult. He called me when his Father died – My Uncle Doug (same Uncle mentioned above) so that I would be there at the funeral as Cousin Allan said he could not “get through it” without his beloved Charlene being there. I flew there IMMEDIATELY upon him calling me (i.e. the next flight) I was there – Vancouver - - > 3 hours. Talk about NO PACKING. Cousin Allan and I “disappeared” for 24 hours and I layed with him and consoled him as he cried over his Father dying, and my Beloved Uncle Doug. I do not think that it is a weakness for a man to cry. I think it is a weakness when he doesn’t. Cousin Allan is my Beloved. Now? He’s a 6’1” male model, hair formerly down to his ass LOL Big blue eyes; bluer than mine, hair darker than mine (but I remove myself from the Indian black hair/natural) – We look like brother and sister together. Shocking how much we look alike. But he’s my Baby. Of course we “look” alike. We are bonded. So I miss him. Dreadfully. We talk thru out the years, but not the same.

WHAT COLOUR PANTS & SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Sky blue pants/pj pants, w/white polar bears on them – cute, very comfy. Shoes? None, as I was just painting my toenails. LOL Sparkly ocean green.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
3 Cheese pizza. OMG badddddddddddddddddd But I’ve been having a craving for the last 3 days. So I did 90 minutes cardio after Shhhhhhhhhhhhh LOL
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Survivor – The Soundtrack - - Actually quite good. I burnt it off a CD I grabbed from the Nanaimo Library. So just makin sure it was a Good burn, by me. Like the music. Great with wine **SMILE**

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Fuchsia. That was the crayon most used by me, as a kid. Everything in my pictures (and I coloured outside the lines LOL) were Fuchsia First. Then that green-blue colour. Then everything was its “correct” colour LOL

FAVOURITE SMELLS?
Men’s cologne. OMG That gets me every time. When you walk by someone and you catch a smell of cologne after they pass? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, that gets a double take by me, every time. Other smells? A room after sex. I used to love Sunday mornings with my ex, because our bedroom just reeked LOL So I’d not change the sheets For a couple of days or keep the pillows – If they were keeping the scent LOL Or I would not wash one of his shirts – And leave it in the closet hangin’ and I would sniff it while he was at work or just elsewhere – Okay I love scents. My favourite scent for me? Musk oil, by Jovan. Ohhhhhhh if I could bathe in that, I would. Love it. Or a secondary perfume? The one ! Love that one too. Or sandalwood incense or seabreeze. Or bubble bath scents, just before you climb in, when it’s just steamy - -

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE TELEPHONE?
My “Chosen” Mom Jan. I call her my Chosen Mom meaning that IF I could have chosen who to be my Biological Mother/Parent it would have been her. We were talking about the lack of or rather zero communication of my Father. She, Jan, was with my Father for 35 years. But they are no longer together. Loooooooooooong story LOL

HAIR COLOUR?
Natural? Indian black (as night). But I colour, colour, colour it. Ramifications of a sad/bad childhood and kids calling me ½ breed, Indian Squaw. So it’s never been its true Indian black colour since I turned 18.

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Like I would tell Ron that. I plead the 5th.
FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Extreme sports (any) or Hockey (especially LIVE) Love the adrenalin of a live hockey game. But my God has retired **SIGH**

EYE COLOUR?
Variants of blue – Black when I am angry.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I no longer wear contacts as I had lasik surgery and now have 20 – 20 vision. Before? Only had to wear ONE contact. Yeah, I’m a mutant freak hahahaha

FAVOERITE FOOD?
To prepare? From scratch? Lasagna. Love the preparation of it – step-by-step. It’s great smelling as it’s prepared and FANTASTIC when it’s served!!! To eat at a restaurant? Seafood or sushi.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Neither. Love fall best – For its fashions.

HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs/spooning on a Sunday morning and I am Yours, yours, yours forever and a Day. Kisses? Loooooooooooove that first kiss. Mmmmmmm. Whenever I am “interested” in a man? Or first think of a man as a “Potential” whatever… I immediately wonder about that “First” Kiss. Or I’m a sucker for sloppy kisses, which begin on one’s neck and progress North or South LOL

FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Sex-in-a-Pan. There is such a dessert LOL It lives up to its name!!!!

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Every Second Counts – by Lance Armstrong – OMG that guy is Sex on a Bike. In my books. I love this book because he comes across as Just a Guy from a small town in Texas, born from a single mom. He shows that it’s OKAY to be hyperactive LOL And IF there is a God? I will get to meet this man Naked HAHAHAHAHA As if LOL But IF there is a God… I tried to meet Lance when he was in Vancouver doing a speech with Clinton of all people UGH 625$/person. Right. LOL But I just think Naughty Naughty thoughts when I look at Lance Armstrong. I don’t think Cancer Survivor Bike rider beyond compare I just think Let’s get Naked!!!!!!!!!!!!! After riding bikes for 6 hours, no shower, and just climbing into bed all sweaty – Okay the wine is kickin in LOL

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT?
American Idol – the boys’ performance. Okay Dirty old woman LOL But such cuteys HAHAHAH

FAVOURITE SOUND?
The sound a man makes when he comes LOL Each man is different. Hahahaha Public sound? Music – Love music, can never listen to too much music.

ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
Beatles all the way. Have all their songs Memorized to the level I could perform them as Singing Telegrams Easily.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Mexico.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
My ex-live-in said so LOL That he would “miss” that special talent LMAO Of mine HAHAHAHA

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Winnipeg, Mb. Canada - - but don’t hold it against me. **SMILE**

OVERCOMING

DEPRESSION

ONE STEP

AT A TIME

THE NEW BEHAVIORAL ACTIVATION

APPROACH TO GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK

MICHAEL E. ADDIS. PH.D.

CHRISTOPHER R. MARTELL, PH.D. ABPP

EXERCISE: RECOGNIZING YOUR CONTEXTUAL CHANGE

List below the changes that have taken plance in your life over the past 6 months. Changes can be great or small and you can experience them as positive or negative. You may have had a promotion at work (a large positive change), or you may have been laid off (a large negative change), you might have remodeled a room in your house (a small positive change), or you may have gotten shorted by a few dollars on a paycheck for one pay period (a small negative change).

In the last 6 months? I have moved from my "secure" world on Surrey/Lower Mainland living to the vicarious life of Nanaimo - no job - no way of incoming income and a deteriorating relationship with my Father. I have been trying to hold my head up - But alas - it's hard.

That is going to be my NEWEST TATTOO right above my other Tattoo - when am I going to get it? I am not sure - At this time. But it is going to go on my right ankle right above my other tattoo... Goddess of Light.

I have spent the day reading "self-help" books - Here is where my head is at - The books I am currently reading; The Woman's Comfort Book (Jennifer Louden), Hands of Life (Julie Motz), The Technique of Mosaic (Arthur Goodwin), Folk Remedies for Common Ailments (Anne McIntyre), Wicca (Vivianne Crowley), The Wicca Handbook (Sheena Morgan), A Public Affair (CD by jessica simpson ~ WORST cd I have EVER listened to), Violent Voices (Kay Porterfield), Foods that Fight Pain (Neal Barnard M.D.) Teen Witch (Silver Ravenwolf)

So that is where my head is at...

Because of my readings I have put up Healing Cards thru-out my Home - Stating items that I SHOULD HAVE learnt a looooooooooong time ago... But here they are:

CHARLENE ANN IS...

I...

Love Myself...

Am Worthy...

Deserve Love...

AM a Great Person!!!

Approve of... ME!!!!!

P.S.

I AM as Intelligent & Strong as I need to be at this moment... & I'm starting to Heal at a pace that is Right...

For

Me.

I own the Book Teen Witch by Silver Ravenwolf - Yet I have never sat down and actually read it... A great big Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... On that one...

Foods that fight pain... I read in 2 sittings and on the 2nd sitting? I typed out notes that I wanted to retain - Basically the change that I have made? From this reading? Is that I have drastically changed my personal Diet. Now a Vegan. And am enjoying it.

Violent Voices? I read in 15 minutes - Retained very little. Going to read it again, while typing what "jumps out" at me. So am going to re-read it, MUCH slower.

Retained very little (for myself) of the Hands of Life book. Was too "medical" for my tastes. But will probably have something "subconsciously" jump out at me at a later date.

Healing will come IN TIME. Not instant. Only thing INSTANT in my life right now? Is my Hot Chocolate HAH

The Good Thing I did for myself today? I made from scratch an extremely delicious meal - I just basically threw it together from what I had in the fridge and food storage. So what were the ingredients?? Fresh cut onions, rice (tons of it), beans, mushrooms (fresh NOT out of the can), hot sauce (the Chinese one), broccolli (once again FRESH NOT canned), cauliflower, and East Indian curry sauce (yummmmmmmmmmmmm)... Steamed in my WOK. Overall? DELICIOUS. Loved it in fact.

Very good Self-Nurturing Day FOR ME.

Howie Mandel and I share the same hairstylist LOL

Okay I've been having the same dream for the last few nights - Here goes;

I walk onto this huge field, surrounded by very lush, green trees. By the edge of this field, but outside of the trees, I am watching men put up tents (white) - Billowing in the light wind, as they put up the white tents.

Lastly put up is a very large sign, announcing a Howie Mandel Mobile Museum. That you can go inside and view all of the props/pictures, videos of Howie Mandel. I wait a bit, and then I wander inside.

The first tent that I enter has dressers with tons of drawers, all lablelled. This does not draw my attention - A long table of photo albums of Howie's does. I flip through one of the photo albums and at the end of one? I find a photo of Howie naked. I am at first glance, shocked. I look around, and noone is watching me, so I look at the photo closer LOL! It "seems" to be Howie? With very narrow hips and the rest - But "it" is inordinately HUGE! LOL I re-adjust my opinion of Howie Mandel LOL

Then I pick up another photo album and flip thru that one. It catches my FULL attention as it is photos of Howie giving someone head! I nearly drop the photo album - Howie Mandel gay? I once again glance around and no one is looking my way, so I stuff the photo album into my backpack. National Enquirer would love to see these photos!!!

Then I wander to another tent of Howies and there is his "handbag" and the rubber glove and Howie t-shirts/props you can buy. I buy the t-shirt; psychedelic rainbow. To cover the photo album I am carrying -

Then I go to leave and that's the dream????

WIERD OR WHAT?

The 2nd night I fall asleep, I enter the same tents for Howie Mandel, but you can buy a rubber hand/dismembered/unattached, but that moves!!! Sort of like "IT" in The Adams Family. But signed by Howie Mandel. I don't know what it has to do with Howie? But it's there? And yes, it moves and it "attaches" itself to me, holding my hand as I leave.

Okay tomorrow night? Not sure IF I want to go to sleep LOL

FEEDBACK? INTERPRETATION?

WWW.VIRTUALKISS.COM

Could EVERYONE that reads this... EMAIL press@virtualkiss.com

letting them know that I HAVE mentioned their webpage - which I have sent 10000000's of "ANONYMOUS" VIRTUAL KISSES from to my favorite "flavour" of the month **GIGGLE**

Why should you do this? It's for a contest I am TRYING to win for a LIPLAMP

Come on READERS!!!!! Of my personal blog - Work with me here **GRIN**

Eternal gratification IF I win & of course 100000000000000 and 1 virtual kiss will go to YOU!!!! Without the ANONYMOUS tag HAH

VIRTUAL KISS, to all that email and help me win............

Charlene

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... A Very Secret Crush
Oh the angst to have a crush...
On a Very Identical Twin -
I would love THIS to be the Valentine's
I dared to ask my Particular Twin
to be Mine, mine, mine...
Although it is quite delightful to flirt with the either,
it is...
Chris,
no Mo,
Chris,
or is it Mo?
That I have the crush on...
Let this be my Way of saying...
Hey Chris!!!
Meet you up on Cypress and race you to the Bottom!!!
As you have already captured
my...
Full attention...
And over time,
My...
Heart...
But Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
It's my secret crush...
-me...

Yes the man on the right is my "secret" crush... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... But I've mucked it up Time after time... LMAO "Just being Me" So this Valentine's I've arranged a limo, to a chosen (by me) restaurant and I will arrive fashionably... late... Is it love? Or just a dream? Well I will be writing on Valentine's Day I AM SURE!!! LOL

www.blogcontestsite.com/2006/02/12/valentines-day-contest/ This is my entry for said contest (I did not know how to link other than this way) Honourary Geek, I'm NOT.

Wish me luck... Oh he's an Identical twin - Both single... Hmmmmmmm... "Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

Oh the other thing - I need advice on - I remembered once I clicked "SEND" Is this - For Xmas my Father (and M HAH) bought me a vaccuum. All good in a "NORMAL" person's world - A vaccuum, yes?

Well the first week I got it home - I have always had a "mental" block to vaccuuming - When I "tried" to vaccuum before I would become nauseated and a migraine would come on and so I would, out of stopping the nausea/migraine would very quickly shutoff the vaccuum.

No big deal. But the agreement with Father (and he repeats this EVERY FUCKING TIME he is over, "Don't you remember our agreement? That you have to keep the trailer clean or else you are out?" Which does not make me feel very welcome once again - i.e. I interpret it as I am on very thin ice and am one dirt bunny away from being kicked out on my ass W/M gloating all the way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Back to the vaccuum - Well I not wanting to be "kicked out on my ass" recently TRIED diligently to vaccuum the trailer. Well since I did not turn off the vaccuum when the nausea/migraine began? I basically had a flashback which is when you are not "seeing" your environment but you are "seeing" a time before? Well the flashback was the why I am so NOT wanting to vaccuum?

My mother would turn on the vaccuum when I would be beaten by my step-father. I went back to a beating - The very time that was the "last" time and the worst - Just before I ran away from home. I remembered the day i.e. I relived the day in my flashback? Every minute detail? My bed-room had a lock on it on the outside? So I would "stay" put until step-father Sam would get home and when he walked into my room? W/My mother locking the door from outside ( once again I could not "leave" the beating?) That was her cue to turn on the vaccuum? Needless to say our house was the house w/ZERO dustbunnies. As the vaccuum was on ALLOT. Y'see my step-father was a former Hutterite - Which I called him the WannabeNazi as the Hutterites originated in Germany right around the very same time as Hitler came in power - Go figure.

I continued vaccuuming thru the flashback and basically threw up ALL OVER MY FLOOR - being the hallway to the backdoor - Thru my tears, fears/nausea, I thought, I do NOT want to be "kicked out on my ass" I vaccuumed up the vomit - Thinking that was the best way to deal w/it IMMEDIATELY. When you r experiencing a flashback your rightful thinking is not "there" really. Just immediacy of thinking. Vomit? Vaccuum - Gone.

Well I think that I have fucked up the hose part of the vaccuum. I have not had it a month. And I have regressed back to being 9 and hating vaccuums. How do you tell your v. scientific LOGICAL Father? The Dr/Dentist that hey? I had a fucking HUGE flashback - I think I've fucked up the vaccuum. I can't vaccuum W/o having flashbacks/panic attacks AND NO I'M NOT CRAZY but everytime EVERY TIME a vaccum was turned on? I was going to be or was immediately beaten? How do I step away from these flashbacks? How do I tell this to my LOGICAL Father? I have like a pathological reaction to vaccuuming? Like right now I spent 30 minutes crying as I was vaccuuming? A cleansing? I am not sure. A healing? I don't know. All I know is that I HATE VACCUUMING. It's like a movie played "for my eyes only" W/the turn on switch being the turning on of a vaccuum?

Oh I'm not crazy. I am just having all these flashbacks - I am guessing because I have not been near my Father before? I have opted to walk away? From him? My Mother told me how hateful he was? He has never been to me? EVER? Well weird at times, but never hateful. Socially stupid at times, hahahahaha

I guess it is also that I am going back to Manitoba and knowing that "she" will be there. And hate is going to be on my plate. And I am trying to find the backbone to bear up to it. It is a v. wierd sensation when your very own biological parent HATES you w/every fiber of her being. Dad tells me that it is not ME she "hates" but him. That since he has nothing to do w/her, she "vents" on me. I know when I get to W. that I will not "feel" anything but do inappropriate giggling to an Nth level when she vents - But it hurts nonetheless. It's just a V/WIERD sensation - Not really a hurt - Just a little girl's confusion. Is the best way to describe it. Like Mommy? Why do you hate me? Mommy? Why do you let him beat the crap out of me? EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Oh and the flashback included - Where the vomitting occurred - A new flashback that I "knew" that my step-father never raped me - But in this flashback I "saw" that he hung me in the garage by my wrists and from the pain I blacked out? And that when I came too? My cousin AND my step-father there? And they were making me give them bj's? I was like 8? 9? I know this because of the location of the garage - We were still in W. - And we moved to W. (a v. small town north of W.) This occurred often and I know this because my Grandmother - My mom's mom - Saw them once and "scolded" my step-father, slapped my cousin - But my saviour very quickly died after that DAMN???? And we moved to W. and then the beatings began? I know the sexual abuse ended? Once I got both my period? And budding breasts. Both were turn offs for either 1 of these "men". My cousin was 15. I know he was not driving yet. I could "see" myself hanging there? Feel the pain in my shoulders? Hence the vomitting. Tears.

I can't turn on the vaccuum without these flashbacks occurring. What do I do? How do I handle this?

Sorry had to vent.

Shit I should not have moved to N. I don't do well with PARENTAL figures. Or on-going, day-by-day, relationships. I like to run away and visit on my time. This sucks LOL Relationships.

Okay thanks for listening,

Love,

Hahahahaha Never a dull moment THANKS I think HAH The medical business in Vancouver is that I have signed up to be a guinea pig basically for drugs that are not on a market yet... So this one pays 4200$ for an eleven day stay... Well G told me (and I quote) "Right now let's get your home in order, so you have a strong base to work from and in mid-February when the job market swings up in N., then seriously start jobsearching." So I was basing the job searching on that For Dad to arrive and call me "fat lazy cunt who is prostituting in V. or addicted to the Internet over here" I thought okay WHAT????

Well when I came home - I have a small desk in my bedroom all the drawers were hanging open (they weren't when I left) So that is a very obvious sign that things were looked into, wouldn't you say? The only thing "missing" is an old love letter from Dave R. HAHAHAH So "perhaps" that's a good thing?????? That must have given Dad a jolt reading it HAHAHAHAHA And no, they didn't "find" anything i.e. N.B. papers - as I have them HIDDEN - which noone went into as nothing was moved in there.

Yeah, I spazzed on telling G. anything - OOOOOOOOOOOPS. So it's like a megaphone going STRAIGHT back to M. - I should have known because everytime we go somewhere G. has to refill her minutes on her cell phone HAHAHAHA D-uhhhhhhhhh She only has pay-as-you-go...

I did spend money with G. she watched me cash my personal CHEQUE that is where that came from - So easy explanation - No personal Cash goes directly onto bill payments not fun money hahahah

I reacted to Dad because he used the C word; fat lazy cunt and that's straight from Sam's put-down dictionary - So Dad was remembering what I had told him before I am sure - As I have never heard Dad use the c word before - And never want to again. So that is where the reaction IMMEDIATELY came from.

Yeah hindsight I agree with you I should have pulled out the papers but Dad entered my home WITHOUT KNOCKING screaming from the get-go and again, that was a Sam thing - Unlocking my room and immediately screaming - So I immediately shut-down to anything that was asked or requested - Until the C word - Then the verbal fight was on.

Okay I get it now that "Dad hates games" Understood now. HAHAHAHA

I had written to G. for her to stop in IF SHE WANTED TO to let Bandit out - And she did - But when Dad was here - SCREAMING - he said He and M. were inconvenienced by having to put Bandit out - Yet G. left me a note saying she did - and left him in the mudroom - So that one I don't know who did - But Dad did say that Bandit when he got here was contentedly sitting on my bed - Obviously I did not "care" if he shit or pissed on my brand new bed - I said I left him in the bathroom - Dad just screamed, WHATEVER/ANOTHER LIE!!!!!! So anyways, Bandit was in the mudroom, sliding glass door open, contentedly sleeping on his bed in there when I got home HAH

Oh G. and M. both showed up today - No sign of my drunken father - I asked M., where's dad? And she said after giving me that M. look - He's ummmmmmmmmm - out. Yeah passed out, was what I was thinking. So I left it at that.

We had to go to the Dr's as I had stabbed myself - in the belly where the most amount of body fat is HAH So had to look at that - Keep it clean, it will heal, stupid girl basically is what the Dr said He was an older Dr had never heard the term Cutting or being a Cutter ever before in his life - So was like What is that? You are a cutter? What does that mean?

Oh and I am signed up for counselling and went for a session today - It was alright - After I spewed for 35 minutes the psychologist thinks that all 3 of us need counselling not just me HAHAHAHA But for now, I was there, so here we go :)

Slept the day away - G. sent me 5 emails while I slept - I am sure she is even forwarding my emails right? Niiiiiice in all of her emails she is now telling me which times she is with me "on her time" and which times she is being paid by Dad lol It's a fucked up another situation - But another one I get to learn from, right? You and I will just refer her as M's Megaphone HAH

Overall, it was a learning experience - Much needed obviously - Oh during M. driving me around, her advice was Just tell the truth - Quit assuming how the other person will react to your truth - The psychologist told me something like that too - His words were, clearer, Be responsible for your own truth STOP THERE. Anything about the other person you are talking to? IS ASSUMPTIONS.

Oh the other thing M's wisdom was that I live in a dreamworld - My resume reflects that. I was like, I LIKE MY RESUME TYVM. But she did not stop - So I let that one fly too - But G. stepped it up too - I saw the two of them "in action" They finish each other's sentences - Wait no - G finishes M's so who follows who? It was obvious today.

So yah, another 'INTERESTING DAY IN THE TRAILER PARK" hahahaha

Love you,

No longer homeless -

Oh I told M that Dad's button for me was always coming over here and stating, over and over, that he was going to sell this place, HOW THE FUCK WAS I GOING TO FEEL SECURE WHEN I HAD THAT AS REINFORCEMENT? Her reply Whatever, that is your Dad - not you - I said Hello? Then just wondered for the millionth time, THIS WOMAN COUNSELS PEOPLE? YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Then she went on, Your Dad says allot of good stuff about you - I said, Funny never TO ME - I just get I AM GOING TO SELL THIS PLACE - Again I got the Whatever. I've grown to hate that word HAHAHAHA

Oh the psychologist said to me that I should sit Dad down and ask him, Is this trailer a Bribe or a Gift? If it's a bribe then NO THANKS - Bribe being I have to be want U WANT ME TO BE being that I accept that premise when I accept this trailer - If it's a gift - Then Thanks and we have to set up boundaries - RESPECTABLE boundaries. I thought OMG That is going to be an INTERESTING talk HAHAHAHAH So I told M that I would like to have an adult to adult talk with my Dad, sans screaming, sans alcohol/drugs (on his part) and sure, we'll start from there - I doubt if she heard me even say that statement but maybe she did.

Oh thru out the Day M had to turn this all to her - I had so many last minute things to do today w/leaving for Mexico on Sunday - this is so crazy - She had to zip to a lawyer's office - while I was at the Dr's I didn't even ask - My part of the will was probably being changed hahahaha Oh also M had promised me the food from the fridge (so it wouldn't rot while they were in Mexico) C called to say she had cleaned out the fridge and was on her way home - So niiiiiiiiiiiiiice LOL

Overall a very "interesting day in the trailerpark"

Love you,

I think that I dreamt of my Father's Demise because of our MASSIVE fight we had - A "death" of my perception of my Father forever...

I have my home back and Dad and Michelle are gone to Mexico for 2 weeks LOL That is how my Father deals with crises Now you know where I "inherited" the run away from Crises gene LOL So I am back in my home - Bit hurt - Wait no allot hurt - I knifed the ca-ca out of my abdomen - The psychologist's interpretation of that is that I am a "cutter" to release the overwhelming amount of pain I am experiencing - it does NOT make sense at all logically... A mode of release of pain - So I've paid this month's pad fee - I went into counselling - My Father takes off to Mexico - Neat, huh? So when he returns I am (and the psychologist advised me what to say verbatim) and here is what I am to say; "Dad is the trailer a BRIBE or is it a Gift?" Bribe meaning I have to be what he wants me to be and only that - Then if he answer is yes, A strong person would tell him to stuff it as NOTHING on this planet is worthy of a life of servitude to a task master NOTHING. So I will move GIVING 30 days notice Nothing less. If it is a gift - then we have to define BIG TIME boundaries - i.e. His keys are not to be used as his entrance to my trailer They are to be used in an emergency situation ONLY or Upon my REQUEST of his entrance into my trailer. He can NOT order me around - He HAS to recognize me as my own person CAPABLE of making my OWN decisions - I have to make my own mistakes. They are mine and mine alone. So be it. I will learn from them and grow from them; BUT THEY ARE MINE.

So far since the crises I have not heard from my Father BUT my step-mother came by yesterday to take me to the Dr's to look at the abdominal stabbings (self-inflicted) and the counselling session - Of which the therapist told me after I told him my history that I am the WRONG person in there GO FIGURE.

But I think the SCREAMING session was 20 years overdue - My Father and I have never SCREAMED before at each other - So it was like an eye opener - I had my say - You haven't lived until your Father has called you a fat lazy prostituting CUNT HAHAHAHA Okay I hope you got that I was saying that with EXTREME sarcasm in my voice.

But I got my say out too - When he called me those words and started pushing me around - I just stood my ground and said Go ahead big man with one ball - Hit me - But remember this With the Hit? You are NOT demeaning me - You are only demeaning yourself both as a Man AND as my Father - So it's your Decision If you want my RESPECT past this point - You will not continue this physical abuse BUT IF you continue to hit me? Each hit reduces MY RESPECT for you Firstly as a Father, secondly as a Man and it reduces with each hit - SO GO FOR IT - Be like my FUCKED UP Step-Father - Be in his low-life league of physical abuse - HIT ME - I FUCKING DARE YOU -

He and I just stared at each other LITERALLY nose to nose - As he was bent in a fighting crouch - So I continued - Go for it but you ARE NOT DEMEANING ME - Remember that. YOU BECOME A LOSER LIKE SAM SAM SAM SAM Perhaps I will forever more call you the name of my very fucked up Step-Father SAM SAM SAM From the first hit -

Michelle was staring at me, my Dad was so mad his nostrils were flaring, he clenched his fists, I saw that in the corner of my eye and I quoted Clint Eastwood, "GO AHEAD PUNK, MAKE MY DAY." I even said it with the right clenched teeth LOL

Dad stepped away from me - I think he saw me in a new light - I don't know nothing NOT A WORD has been heard from him -

Me? I have a very sore abdomen - But it will heal - the cuts were all around my bellybutton LOL So if I have bad scars? There will be a new tattoo there of a very cute sunrays - So there ya go -

I am signed up for 6 months of counselling and my Dad takes off - So we will see in 2 weeks - But the one thing I know is he is in shock - And while he was screaming at me? If I would have lit a match - The trailer would have went up immediately - So much liquor on his breath - IDIOT

So was I scared? No Hurt? Emotionally - BIG TIME - But I have the resources now to talk to my Father with STRENGTH from that first session of counselling - And oh - Dad has offered to completely pay for my counselling - No kidding - I think based on what he said then? I could have talked to a lawyer and sued his ass - For repeatedly threatening to kick my street out on my ass - Verbal abuse of the worst sort. I could sue for ownership of the trailer PLUS emotional damages - IF I SO DESIRED TO - I think he is very aware of that because Michelle spent the day in a lawyer's office while I was in the therapist's session - Yeah just call my life "As the Trailer Spins"

Well on the bright side? I am up for another Research session - So this one is for 4200$ I am keeping my fingers crossed -

Okay thanks for always being there, my friend,

Love you today, yesterday and guaranteed tomorrow -