Oh the other thing - I need advice on - I remembered once I clicked "SEND" Is this - For Xmas my Father (and M HAH) bought me a vaccuum. All good in a "NORMAL" person's world - A vaccuum, yes?

Well the first week I got it home - I have always had a "mental" block to vaccuuming - When I "tried" to vaccuum before I would become nauseated and a migraine would come on and so I would, out of stopping the nausea/migraine would very quickly shutoff the vaccuum.

No big deal. But the agreement with Father (and he repeats this EVERY FUCKING TIME he is over, "Don't you remember our agreement? That you have to keep the trailer clean or else you are out?" Which does not make me feel very welcome once again - i.e. I interpret it as I am on very thin ice and am one dirt bunny away from being kicked out on my ass W/M gloating all the way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Back to the vaccuum - Well I not wanting to be "kicked out on my ass" recently TRIED diligently to vaccuum the trailer. Well since I did not turn off the vaccuum when the nausea/migraine began? I basically had a flashback which is when you are not "seeing" your environment but you are "seeing" a time before? Well the flashback was the why I am so NOT wanting to vaccuum?

My mother would turn on the vaccuum when I would be beaten by my step-father. I went back to a beating - The very time that was the "last" time and the worst - Just before I ran away from home. I remembered the day i.e. I relived the day in my flashback? Every minute detail? My bed-room had a lock on it on the outside? So I would "stay" put until step-father Sam would get home and when he walked into my room? W/My mother locking the door from outside ( once again I could not "leave" the beating?) That was her cue to turn on the vaccuum? Needless to say our house was the house w/ZERO dustbunnies. As the vaccuum was on ALLOT. Y'see my step-father was a former Hutterite - Which I called him the WannabeNazi as the Hutterites originated in Germany right around the very same time as Hitler came in power - Go figure.

I continued vaccuuming thru the flashback and basically threw up ALL OVER MY FLOOR - being the hallway to the backdoor - Thru my tears, fears/nausea, I thought, I do NOT want to be "kicked out on my ass" I vaccuumed up the vomit - Thinking that was the best way to deal w/it IMMEDIATELY. When you r experiencing a flashback your rightful thinking is not "there" really. Just immediacy of thinking. Vomit? Vaccuum - Gone.

Well I think that I have fucked up the hose part of the vaccuum. I have not had it a month. And I have regressed back to being 9 and hating vaccuums. How do you tell your v. scientific LOGICAL Father? The Dr/Dentist that hey? I had a fucking HUGE flashback - I think I've fucked up the vaccuum. I can't vaccuum W/o having flashbacks/panic attacks AND NO I'M NOT CRAZY but everytime EVERY TIME a vaccum was turned on? I was going to be or was immediately beaten? How do I step away from these flashbacks? How do I tell this to my LOGICAL Father? I have like a pathological reaction to vaccuuming? Like right now I spent 30 minutes crying as I was vaccuuming? A cleansing? I am not sure. A healing? I don't know. All I know is that I HATE VACCUUMING. It's like a movie played "for my eyes only" W/the turn on switch being the turning on of a vaccuum?

Oh I'm not crazy. I am just having all these flashbacks - I am guessing because I have not been near my Father before? I have opted to walk away? From him? My Mother told me how hateful he was? He has never been to me? EVER? Well weird at times, but never hateful. Socially stupid at times, hahahahaha

I guess it is also that I am going back to Manitoba and knowing that "she" will be there. And hate is going to be on my plate. And I am trying to find the backbone to bear up to it. It is a v. wierd sensation when your very own biological parent HATES you w/every fiber of her being. Dad tells me that it is not ME she "hates" but him. That since he has nothing to do w/her, she "vents" on me. I know when I get to W. that I will not "feel" anything but do inappropriate giggling to an Nth level when she vents - But it hurts nonetheless. It's just a V/WIERD sensation - Not really a hurt - Just a little girl's confusion. Is the best way to describe it. Like Mommy? Why do you hate me? Mommy? Why do you let him beat the crap out of me? EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Oh and the flashback included - Where the vomitting occurred - A new flashback that I "knew" that my step-father never raped me - But in this flashback I "saw" that he hung me in the garage by my wrists and from the pain I blacked out? And that when I came too? My cousin AND my step-father there? And they were making me give them bj's? I was like 8? 9? I know this because of the location of the garage - We were still in W. - And we moved to W. (a v. small town north of W.) This occurred often and I know this because my Grandmother - My mom's mom - Saw them once and "scolded" my step-father, slapped my cousin - But my saviour very quickly died after that DAMN???? And we moved to W. and then the beatings began? I know the sexual abuse ended? Once I got both my period? And budding breasts. Both were turn offs for either 1 of these "men". My cousin was 15. I know he was not driving yet. I could "see" myself hanging there? Feel the pain in my shoulders? Hence the vomitting. Tears.

I can't turn on the vaccuum without these flashbacks occurring. What do I do? How do I handle this?

Sorry had to vent.

Shit I should not have moved to N. I don't do well with PARENTAL figures. Or on-going, day-by-day, relationships. I like to run away and visit on my time. This sucks LOL Relationships.

Okay thanks for listening,

Love,