Look into the mirror daily and say I LOVE YOU - and listen to the words that come up - - The negative ones - Listen for the voices that are going to come up that say why I don't love me - It will be hard - It won't feel true - - e.g. Too fat, family hates you - and say THANK YOU for supporting yourself and then say I thank you for your support but these beliefs no longer serve me any more. I am willing to change these beliefs and I am willing to honour and respect ME.

I respect myself and people love and respect me. - - BIG ONE.

Everyone I meet likes me and respects me.

Then move onto people that meet me love and respect me.

NEW MANTRA - I AM WILLING TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF to I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

This is a 3month transition.

Daily Mantra into the mirror.

The change will be to start doing and respecting oneself naturally.

Every day throughout the day. DAILY; minimum 5 - 6/day.

AFFIRMATIONS.

Carry around these thoughts in one's daytimer.

Listen to all kinds of things WILL come up e.g. Nobody will love me because I am too fat.

Basic is nobody will love you until you love yourself.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Another one of my dreams:

I was at the Prystupa farm - - Me, Terri, Traci (the twins) and Dave Prystupa. We had a steel-frame dune buggy that we were doing circular race with. Timed. At the beginning of the race C. Thomas Howell strapped you in - - Of today.

Why C. Thomas Howell? I don't know LOL It's a dream. So I am putting on the helmet, look up and its C. Thomas Howell looking down at me, and smiling. He quickly teaches me how to quick-shift and I am busy nodding and smiling (which he can't see, since I am now IN the helmet lol). I give the thumbs up and the flag is lowered for me to begin.

I race around the circular speedway and come to the end, and there is Christopher Aitkins (Atkins? of Blue Lagoon fame, waving me to the end. Christopher of Today.)

He tells me that my time is the best time of the day, and I jump out of the steel-framed dune buggy and grab him and kiss him. Of course, the helmet has "mysteriously" disappeared.

He gives me one of those "shy" Christopher smiles and life is good.

Where this dream came from, I don't kow. LOL

I had a dream last night - - The first time in a very very long time - -

Of my Grandmother Hanslip on my maternal side - - I was just a toddler - - And still, or rather, even then an individual on my own.

I waddled across the road, 4? 5? And walked into Grandma's open arms. I told her, "I miss you, I do."

She lifted me up and stroked my head and went, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, everything is going to be fine, soon."

She continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head as the dream faded away.

I am guessing that this dream is about my thinking/wondering if I should visit Manitoba or anywhere soon.

Or not.

I am trying to arrange a trip to see someone that I would very much like to see - - I hear news of another that knows this person as well and I have to pay for my trip yet this other person gets everything paid for by the person that I am wanting to see? Why?

I don't begin to understand people or their actions - - Why I must pay for everything yet this other person goes to the same place and everything is paid for?

I have not completely decided yet IF I am going there. Or staying home. Hibernating which I do very well.

I asked someone to be my escort to a family affair and he does not even think that my invite is worthy of a reply. Of yes or no or anything.

I am retreating and not talking to anyone for awhile. As I think this all over.

Goodbye.

Retreat is often the best means of Offense.

I am going to continue cycling and working out and doing what I do best; retreating.

Goodbye Mr. P and what never was. You told me that enough.

Goodbye Mr. T and what you never let be. Even when I offered as a Friend.
To you.

I do not know about you... But for me I have to do daily "lists" of what must be done for that particular today - -

Like for example, today's list consists of MUST do laundry ((all day job; own a dalmatian)), finish painting of floors and finish putting furniture back in place, goodwill of excess (which is allot) and grocery shopping.

All in one day - - yay!!!

Char

The things that one finds as one is doing a reno of one's home - -

Love Note from Jim - -

Transcribed verbatim;

August 18, - - - -

The day after our worst fight yet. God I hate even saying that, but it seems to be true. Will you never believe what I say? Is it that we have been apart for so many years that it doesn't seem real that I could all of a sudden have feelings for you now? If that is the case, I can understand it, but I am telling you that thought no longer applies. I have "developed" much stronger feelings than I thought I would. As I said last night, probably one of the main reasons, if a selfish one at that, is the knowledge of the feelings you have for me. Knowing that you love me now and thought about me for so long is one of the best feelings I could have. Now just because I said that, don't get the teenage idea that the only reason I like you is because you like me. Other reasons that I know you would love for me to say (and I will because they are true) are: 1) your independence; I don't like what you do some times for money but in an unfortunate way, I am proud of the fact that you have made 'ends meet' for a few years. 2) Yours looks; I think that you are very good looking, I like your big blue eyes and you look so cute when you brush your teeth. 3) Your laugh which I haven't heard enough of lately. You always make me feel good by laughing at all the stupid things I say. 4) Your nick-nacks; that's right your toys... everywhere... I'm not sure exactly why but it makes me feel that you are not lazy like me... you have a love for life that you always want to remember... nomatter if what you are doing is relatively low key, or is big, exciting or important. 5) Your birds and cat; it shows that you love animals and living things like I do. 6) Your attitude towards people; you are down-to-earth and certainly not stuck-up... you could befriend anybody... you are very friendly and you make people feel at ease by your warmth... although I think you could be a little less forgiving. 7) Your love for sex; I need not say much here except I hope you don't lose interest in sex... with me. 8) Your enjoyment of sports. I now realize for various reasons you haven't done too much activity since I came out, but what I mean is that you have a mind for athletics... some women are completely inept at throwing, running, jumping, catching etc. or they have no interest what-so-ever in watching sports. I know if we had the money we could participate in more and watch more. 9) The fact that you are not lazy; unlike me when you have to do something you simply do it, nothing said and no big deal. When I have something to do, everybody has to know and it's a big production... I could take some lessons. 10) Finally you are you. Everybody has faults and you have yours, but i didn't come out here for nothing. And I certainly wouldn't be staying here if I didn't want to. I left alot in Manitoba and I miss my friends and family that I have there, but right now I want to see if things can work between us... especially if we can find jobs. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that the only other girls in my life that mean anything are: Mom, Em, Kell, Coll and Ria. I'm just sorry I can't buy you a nick-nack like everybody else did to show that I care for you.
"Jim"
James Curtis Baldwin
aka "MyJimmy"

no comment from Char of Today

Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann

As one gets to a certain "age" and one's birthday passes one tends to reflect... At least I did on this past birthday - -

I took out my yearbooks of high school and I reflected... How far had I come? Really? And I found that lil' girl was quite lost and scared and all that. The signings of "friends" all showed how much of a boy-crazed gal I was - - When in reality I was love-starved. I was the joiner of Clubs - - To get the hell away from the abuse of the homefront.

My marks were shit, as I spent my days daydreaming of when I could LEAVE. That's it.

Recently a friend asked, what is the negative remark of another you have never let go of? Two actually - Both from the Father figures of my Life - Step-Father and Biological Father - SF: "You are INVISIBLE you will never make a ripple in this world, no matter what you do you are INVISIBLE, never mind how UGLY you are." So I carried that thru my adult life and teens to barrel thru life - - With noise and being the "crazy" one - Why? Because I was INVISIBLE - - No one was noticing Me.

The attachment of the UGLY did not hit until later - - As I spent my 20's modelling/petite modeling - - anything and everything - - Bikinis, lingerie and stripper clothes as the petite frame and DD's worked quite well with the attire. Everyone praised the beauty of Me. Yet did I hear it? NOPE.

After falling in love once, lust several times and all that, and all of the ramifications that brings - These men only reinforced the UGLINESS/INVISIBILITY I could not escape.

After that I literally "did" disappear hurt, tired and afraid. Comfort was food. And now I am me. No longer the Petite Model.

I have had an epiphany on this birthday - - I had lived my life/entire on what others' thought/described of ME. Where the hell was my Definition of ME?

As I listen to Olivia Newton John cd GRACE AND GRATITUDE - - one line sticks out "even broken birds sing" - - Hmmmmmmmm...

As I cry tears of the broken wing of the child within, I find the power to stand up at last. No longer eyes cast down, in shame, when I meet someone new.

Yes I am no longer thin - - That can change - - As the fire within begins again - - I am flawed, scared and no longer broken.

I am doing things S/F and Father would be shocked over - - But I am NOT doing it for **THEM** their approval no longer. It is for Me. To show the world ME.

Yes I am Unique, yes I am not like anyone else, and I tend to march to my own drummer, solo and all that, but get to know me - - I am pretty Awesome. My best quality? My door is always open for friends, coffee is always nearby, and as I am an insomniac you can also phone anytime **GRIN**

Just ask my Animals **silly grin**

Char
now I go back to ripping out my carpets and bless the new floor with tears of renewal as I have never done such a thing before but I am strong, I am Woman, and fuck you on the Invisibility!!! S/F lol I look around me and notice the many ways I am so NOT.

Oh sure I've made errors along the way - - And have regrets. Two people come straight to mind, but I can only "control" me and what will be, will be.

Back to the carpet and my cafe mocha :)

Today I am full of anger/angst/fear/trepidation and just overall negativity.

Why? My home is falling apart around me. :(

Then I realize I am but a Tenant. BUT the landlord is the dreaded Father. F.U.L.W. that Father.

I just can't contact him. It makes me want to projectile vomit. And not just figuratively.

So I think, like Scarlett O'Hara "I will think of it tomorrow."

And I wander down to the grocery store. To wander, yes, and somewhat grocery shop. How I think things "through".

Well as I enjoyed my Latte, I sat there and daydreamed, when all of a sudden a man walked by, upon first glance, he looked like one of the ZZTop Guys (bigggg long beard and same overall look). Second glance? He had one arm!!

It hit me "right there" and I just started to bawl. Right there in the coffee shop. I can't write to my Father and this guy is ordering flavoured coffee with one arm? I moved tables so no-one could see my tears. I let it flow. And finished my Latte. Thinking; Okay Greater Power I got the message. OUCH on that one.

Right to the gut eh? Sometimes the message is.

I am crying as I write this. And wish I would have been able to say something to that guy, like, Hey I wanted to slice my wrists rather than deal with my Father and I am middle aged and isn't that STUPID? And you have one arm? And you can smile at people and I am so into ME and my infantile stupidness and you CAN SMILE?

Something is terribly wrong with MY outlook. THANK YOU DUDE.

Whoever you are.

Char

Interpretation of this Dream WOULD Be Greatly Appreciated: ((Here goes))

I am walking down the hill, ambling along in my usual slow way LOL When I see a white bird, lying on the side of the road. But it is a "baby" bird Has all its feathers, eyes partially open, but not really full strength to fly. Hence the lying, partially winded/injured by the side of the road.

I look around for its mother and find no other birdees around. I pick it up and it peeps as I do so, and opens its eyes. I decide to be the Mother. I place it into my pocked amid tissues and wanting to keep it warm.

I continue to a store with the bird still in my pocket and buy formula and an eye dropper and continue home. I am Mom Personified.

I make a shoebox into a "nest" and place my newest baby into it. Listening for peeps, etc. Hoping the warmth of my home will rejuvenate it.

Slowly he/she does so and is, in a couple of days, moving around the box and taking its formula.

It stays white as it grows and maintains living around the trees, by my home as it grows "up".

INTERPRETATION? If any?