Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann