Well that was quite the message you sent me
I have always loved you, and your fathers words to me were not a copout it was an ultimatom
and since I had no idea that we have made a baby I thought it was best that you were happy and your father looked after you,and as far as the last time we were together if you remember you friend that was there with you was the one that insisted you got rid of me!!!
I was at the bottom but to proud to ask for help so again someone else prevailed and not johnny

I wanted to try and have a life with you but I guess it was never ment to be
when we made love it ment alot to me ,more than just a fuck in the passing night.....
I will always have a spot in my heart that belongs to you char
I do love you
John

I Did Something Today... 

That I had not done for a very long time... 

Call it foolish... 

But instead of going out solo... 

I would sit inside my home and have like a 

panic attack... 

Tonight I decided to take myself out... 

For dinner ... 

As someone as a way of thanks for my volunteering... 

Gave me a restaurant gift certificate 

Usually instead of going out 

SOLO 

I would sit at home and 

wish that I knew someone 

ANYONE 

to go out with... 

Instead today... 

I took myself out and read a book and enjoyed 

smoked salmon and a coffee licquer... 

Mmmmmm... 

Toasting myself and celebrating

ME. 

-charann 

http://fb.com/cascades.boutique?sk=app_155220281221025&ap

please click onto my link and JOIN JOIN JOIN if multiple people join i get a free xmas tree HELP ME please

The Light 

I was sittin' here... 

Drinkin' another glass o'wine... 

Takin' another drag of I don't know how many joints tonight... 

Strummin' my guitar 

It seems like a voice somewhere tells me 

Girl, you don't need that outside praise 

of a man, your daddy or any other man - -

You are everything and more, more, more!

You are wonderful 

Beautiful 

and 

Oh so much more... 

The lil' voice I finally hear 

I stand up and want 

want to 

cheer 

I've lived so many days 

Livin' for other's praise 

Especially my Daddy's 

Waitin' for him to say 

I love you 

Lil' Girl 

I look no more for those words 

As of this day 

I hold my head high...

and know 

Finally know 

I am beautiful 

Exciting and 

fine 

I am ready to live my life 

On my own - 

My own - 

Rules 

Mine. 

Yours, or his or him or him or him, 

I no longer need your rules - 

words 

or 

whatever - 

I am 

Me. 

I am 

Wonderful

Devine 

Woman 

and oh so 

Fine. 

(X5) .... fade away... 

with a tambourine... on the fade away...

-charann 

just had to share this photo :)

That is my biological Father. That is his only title that I am awarding him - Biologically he was/is my Father. He contributed nothing much more past that point. He has always been always about himself where I and my biological Mother were concerned.

He created me while he was still in Dentistry school. Their marriage did not last past his schooling. Were they too young for marriage? I know from a variety of sources that they got married because of his mother, my grandmother insisted that none of her sons created "bastards". So that is so not starting a marriage, or a life together with love. 

I have always wondered why I was brought into this world, like really? What a thought to carry through one's mind, constantly. As after my mother divorced the dentist she went onto to marry another monster male. Who was an ex-hutterite. Do you know what a hutterite is? A religion of interpretation of the Bible where the male reigns supreme. Women are way down the food chain. Should be servant to man and silent. Very silent. 

Which is to say that him and I butted heads often as I was a child of the 80's and 90's where women were finding their voice and how! Beatings were mine. 

I left home or rather I was forced from that home via my step-father after years of almost daily beatings, inappropriate touching and whatnot. I had left earlier at 13 but returned and then returned to "meet" my biological father at 19, as he lived in a whole other world - Thousands of miles from me, where I grew up. The meeting was like this - The very first day - 

As I stepped off the plane and was so excited about meeting my Father - The very first place we went to was not my new home - He picked me up in a trans am, souped up to the max, to the level that stereo speakers were even in the doors and sound just blasted as you drove - We screamed down the highway not to my new home but to a bar where we sat all afternoon until I was the designated driver of choice as I sat, almost catatonic in the corner and watched the drunks "perform". 

Up to this point, Father had never had another child in his life "just me" which he steadfastly ignored. As best as he could. Until I wrote to him at 19, demanding that I meet him finally. He said I could come out and move in with him with a ton of stipulations. His house, his rules. I must go to school, university, I must must must ... Rules, rules, rules. 

As he was a "rich" good looking single dentist, the women were many that came through the house... The one I would have chosen, was on the way out. The one that he chose I would never had chosen ever. She entered with the words to me, "I have a daughter, and I give you 4 years to be out of the picture completely." 

I watched gas, gas, gas parties down in the dental offices. Which I never partook of but my friends did. I walked thru one once and everyone was so high off of the dental laughing gas they were rolling on the floor nude and I left. Ugh. 

Another time, my Father was so high, when I returned home from University, my Father yelled up the stairs, as the Dental office was downstairs and we lived upstairs, that he was "protecting me from the Russians that were coming, didn't I see them?" 

He was firing out of the office windows at the street lamps, which in his delusional mind were the Russians that were attacking, of which he was protecting his daughter from. Oh yeah? I phoned the witch, asking her what I should do? Like really? She said, don't call anyone else, as my Father would lose his Dental license, if I did so. What she was really saying was she would lose her gold-mine, gravy train. 

Another time, my Father passed out on his sailboat, having just before passing out, threw down the anchor, but leaving the engine running. So he was doing doughnuts in the ocean when the water police (what are they called??) entered his boat. Finding him passed out in the captain's quarters. 

It was dropped. Of which my Father told me with a proud smile, that the judge and the prosecuting attorney now had perfect dental work. Nice "trade" for his dental licencse to continue!!!! 

I am not saying that through the years I was a saint. I was damaged goods, entering his household. But so was he. 

I acted up in many ways. I spent all his money, that he gave me, what is it called? Oh right an allowance. He threw money at me at the beginning. Until she entered the picture. But by then him and I were barely talking. She just jumped on it and increased the animosity. I was not following his rules. Y'see, his rules included the men I dated, loved and roomed with. 

His rules included the job I held. How I dressed and everything. I broke out BIG TIME. I did the polar opposite of everything he said. I loved my two men he despised. 

Jump ahead - My father in a drunken rage/binge/psychosis? Demanded I leave the home I was renting/to-own from him - Immediately. As there were no legal papers - As it was with my Father!!! What for? I was bounced out within 3 days. What a joke that "trial" was. I was there with legal aid Him with his money and legalize. JOKE JOKE JOKE Money buys you whatever you desire. Even your own daughter becoming homeless. 

I am in therapy. Can you tell. LOL Hoping to heal. Let go of the past. Until it roars itself up and I have a toothache and I have to stand in a NEW dental office and shake. Because of this rolly-polly mind of mine, I now fear dental work on my teeth. 

Ugh. 

I never fell in love, because I was craving my Father's approval. I wish I had had the will to "fall in love" completely to one of the 2 beloved men. Instead I let them go and I wonder, today, still, ooooooooooops? I did it again? 

Another man I had a baby with and my Father stepped in - Before my child was born, and said to the baby-daddy you are so not "good enough" for my daughter. The baby-daddy disappeared fast and I was left alone, due soon. I walked from my Father's world, never looking back and gave my daughter up for adoption and cried. 

Did I seek counseling then? No. Sex was my therapy. And lots of it. But never again to "fall into love." 

I am typing too much. And am going to go for a bike ride. Ciao. 

Dearest Jimmy

Once upon a time you were "My Jimmy" 

I awoke today thinking/dreaming of you - 

I know why as there are a multitude of reasons - 

I am reading Summer Sisters by Judy Blume and for me, 

my S.S. is K.K. and my summers would be when she first discovered you 

and the following summer you 'discovered' me... 

You were my first for everything... 

My first deep kiss, my first laughter, the first time I believed someone MALE that told me I was pretty 

The first time I dared to be naked with someone and watched his eyes alight... 

and your slow smile as you moved closer to kiss me 

I knew from the first kiss of ours, shared, that I loved you and only you

Forever. 

There was no question in my heart. 

Then life interrupted and my family interrupted 

turning my love for you into 

shame. 

I broke away from you as I saw you as perfect and so did not want you to "know" my fucked up family

Really 

That is the reason why I let you go 

And the feeling that you were always looking over my shoulder 

figuratively 

for someone 

smarter 

always smarter 

because I believed you when you called me 

Pretty 

I cried for ten years when you left and returned to Manitoba 

I always thought, as the reason, why I never married as I thought you were going to pull your 

"Jimmy" 

once again and return to me 

With your crazy line of
"I drove here to you, in a car, with no reverse, because I was not going back."

Yet you did. 

Because I so did not want to grow 

old 

with you 

and become even more imperfect 

in your eyes. 

I wanted you to remember me as a memory. 

Isn't that fucked up? 

I gave you up afraid of your leaving in the future years of OLD. 

How fucked up is that? 

Instead of telling you how much I loved you, with all of my heart, and I would GLADLY go with you to Manitoba

I let you go 

Today is Thanksgiving weekend - 

I have smoked too much weed 

Drank too much red wine 

Giggled far into the night 

and read the book 

Summer Sisters 

and thought of you, K.K. and our carefree summers. 

You were/are the only man I ever loved. 

And for that I give thanks 

This T'giving Time. 

I am scared and crying this weekend, too, 

as I am going into the hospital 

Cysts on my uterus and I guess, I think of you, 

as you were the only man I ever thought of as making a duplicate of 

I wanted to give you a son

With your beautiful eyes, 

I can always remember, will always remember your eyes, and your beautiful hands 

I always reached for your hands 

Especially your hand with the thumb you withered away 

Do you still do that? 

Or is that a long forgotten habit? 

That thumb-nail you worked into a whole new shape? 

I may be saying goodbye to my female parts and the choice of creating another 

with another 

and that scares me 

I wanted to give you a son 

and have you smile at me 

with love. 

I hope that is a moment you were given. 

Oh I am too stoned to be typing really. 

I should be creating art instead... 

Painting... 

Large and abstract and suns 

I always had the wish that you would choose me again. 

I would tell you not to leave this time. 

I would. 

Just give me that sideways glance that was only yours. 

Or I remember how it felt when you brushed my hair. 

It has to be colored regularly now 

lol 

I have a skunk streak of white down the middle 

OUCH 

Would you like/love/desire 

the old

me?

Or was I right in my assumptions then? 

That the 

old 

me 

would 

disappoint you? 

You would never 

ever 

ever 

ever 

ever 

disappoint me

Okay off to walk the ocean and its breezes... 

I no longer talk to my Father... 

AT ALL 

Zero 

In therapy over that as well. 

I should have chosen you. 

I am so sorry for that. 

Our life would never have been boring. 

But you would have known 

I loved every inch of you 

in many ways... 

**giggle** 

Just like the first time... 

If you dared to visit me today? 

I live in a little rancher 

I decorate my yard with plants, art pieces and angels... 

The rabbit hutch is out back... 

My lil' green house... 

I am scared Jimmy 

Tell me I will be okay 

That it is not cancerous lumps of hell 

Enrique Iglesias sings in the background as I type this... 

Let me use his words... 

as I sign off... 

They say that love is just a game... 

Sometimes you win 

Sometimes you lose 

I am just a fool

I keep holding onto you

You know that I would die for you 

I won't try to stop 

Don't you forget about me 

The foolish things we did in our day 

So you try to fix a smile 

You knew that you broke my heart 

But baby it's too late 

Because baby I am already dying 

Don't you forget about me now 

Someday you won't be able to ask me 

Why did I let you go? 

I let you go because of my family 

I thought you could not handle the strife that they are 

Both sides 

I let you go instead 

Not thinking that you could handle any of it 

And I was better alone. 

I regretted it ever since. 

Every moment. 

You remember it that we were already done 

and you chose the black woman instead 

I remember it was many returns and discussions 

ours 

and I was the one to send you away. 

You asked me to return with you to Manitoba and to be your wife. 

I just could not see you 

handling 

Sam Hofer 

and the Monster he was in my mind 

Therapy 

Therapy 

Therapy 

Mine. 

Hope you have had a happy life. 

Ours would have been nothing like what you chose. 

Nothing. 

Just imagine that. 

Other than you knew you had my whole heart, love and you were my world. 

Okay off to the ocean 

and to find rocks shaped as hearts. 

-charann 

you are welcome to visit call or whatever write ... 

or not 

lol 

just scared 

me

hi 

i had a wonderful sad happy day today

the end of an art gallery that i volunteered at... 

but wonderful memories stored 

charann

http://www.123win.ca/index.php?referrer_id=76

daily contest - prizes change often!!!! please use my link THANK YOU... you win, i win... 

Have You Ever?

Sat down and wondered where your favorite lover ended up? 

Sat down and wondered who your favorite lover ended up with? 

If he was happier with her? 

If he could ever wander back your way? 

That you would always remember his hello, 

as I opened my door, so very long ago and he said, 

"Hello, I am here, with you, and there's no going back as I drove here with a car with no reverse." 

That was the man I loved with all my heart 

and there he is above 

The only male in the picture above. 

The woman at the end is his wife. 

Opposite of me in every way. 

No curls in her hair, 

she wears shades. 

Sitting so very far away 

From him. 

We always were connected 

Yet he chose

Her. 

She is a career minded woman 

and I am the 

Artiste. 

Extraordinaire. 

I wonder if he has passion still? 

If she ever dropped rose petals on the floor, for his navigation at the end of his workday?

To "find" me and the ensuing rapture? 

I nicknamed him 

"My" Jimmy 

Yet he still went away. 

Choosing a city over the one I chose. 

I could not go "back" 

as it was a city of pain, for me... 

I wanted, begged and pleaded for him to stay. 

He left anyway. 

It took me ten years to recover 

my lost first love... 

I sat down this a.m. and wondered 

If he had chosen happiness? 

We were so very different in so many ways

Yet he made me see stars with just a hello, 

and a kiss and the merest of touches... 

I hope he had chosen happiness, 

I do. 

I know only 1 of the women pictures in the photo - the young beautiful lass playing with her hair - 

when we were together she was but maybe, 10, 

I giggled with her and laughed and combed her hair and told her how very beautiful she was and was going to be - -

we paraded in pj's and board games... 

and look how right I was! 

I told her and her brothers, how very much I loved all of them 

The other 2 women I had never met - one his sister, and the other his wife.

But IF he had chosen 

Me

Because with me it would have been Passion 

Yes with a capital P. 

No 2 days would have been the same. 

Ever. 

But he would have known that I would have run to him everytime he wandered near, arms open wide and showering him with kisses and giggles and laughter... 

That would never have been lost. 

What I remember of the "Us" 

Is when he kissed me, 

I saw stars and the stars were colorful... 

I moaned his name with the softest of kisses

We can never go back... 

I am still single and wonder... 

and laugh. 

And look around 

I am the complete opposite of his "chosen" 

She is a career woman and I am an 

Artiste. 

I surround myself with color, music, animals, gardening and love to play in so many ways 

If he walked up to me tomorrow 

and said that line once again, 

"There's no going back, I am yours today, tomorrow and forever, and look I have driven here with just a suitcase - - 

As she is a real estate agent, she took the house - 

So I am here, once again, with a car, with no reverse. But this time, there is no going back. I chose, made a mistake once, and always have known, in the back of my mind, that you thought of me in your colorful way. I bought you a 5$ ring once, here is a ring worth much more, and it comes with my heart." 

I would just say, "I've not lived a life full of possessions, but I will once again, give you my heart, as I did fully and completely when I was 14 and you walked into my home and asked me out for my very first date. The very first kiss, and whisper of my name, I was yours."

He would lean forward and whisper my name, "I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but it will never be boring with you ever again."

I remember foolish things about him - - 

My lover of yesterday... 

The way his eyes would crinkle, when he'd smile... 

The way his eyes would spark as anger would be his. \

Our differences are insane - I like to talk to MaryJane every now and then, 

he always declines...  

I like to spoon and whisper naughty thoughts ... Did he ever do the same?

Ahhhh this is just a mishmash of words... of a lonely (?!) lass in the early a.m. ... 

He has a full life where he is - 

He would need to request a transfer - - all across this great country of ours... 

Indeed. 

Choosing me

Forever. 

Hmmmmmmmmmmm... 

I believe I know where that photo is taken? 

At the family farm - - 

I know that farm as

I raced there often to find him, as a teen, 

beginning on my snowmobile across the snow drifts and fields 

Not caring what his parents would think as this young lass 

with sass 

would roar up with her Pink Polaris 

and race up to their door 

and pound on the door with delighted expectations that their only son was home at the farm from the city, that weekend,

Wanting to see me as well 

Or in the summertime 

Zooming and finding him, working in a field, or elsewhere and trysting usually in his car... 

Ditching mine, in some crazy spot 

Oh the passion of one's youth... 

We moved in together as adults 

but never married as he could not leave his prairie background behind 

and I could so very easily. 

Prairie life = pain for me. 

No thanks 

and so I watched him leave 

and ten years later

I stopped crying. 

So I just looked him up online and wondered 

IF 

he had chosen happiness after all. 

He chose the complete opposite of 

Me. 

That I can see 

in one picture. 

Did she ever scream his name in passion? 

Anger and happiness? 

Run to him as he returned to her everyday? 

I know I did

Everytime. 

I feel like writing that song down... of that Canadian Female Singer - -

About did she go down on you in the movie theater, like I did? 

Or something close to that. 

The Jagged Pill album... 

Because yes we even did that. 

Must be a Canadian thing. 

**GRIN** 

I don't think I ever said No to this man pictured. 

I just saw forever in his eyes, my forever. 

My children, my love and my life. 

Yet he chose Manitoba instead, 

so very long ago. 

But by that time 

he had bought another car. 

-charann