Today 

Was the kind-of day where I just sat and wondered 

Why? 

I write to someone and once again he ignores my messages and I wonder why 

I write? 

So I write to him and state 

I get it, I do 

I wanted to communicate with you more 

You state that you do not converse in such ways with anyone 

Yet others gush so 

So I write a good bye of sorts 

Another 

asks me strange questions and makes comments in a public place 

of which I wonder why? 

How has my world come to this? 

Really? 

Where should I go from this point? 

Unsure, really 

I don't understand the reactions I get from others 

So I am going to retreat and gather love from 4 legged creatures and smile 

thru art and creation 

I need time to heal and re-evaluate who really is important to

me

look out world 

this weekend is one of creation for me

-charann 

Somedays... 

U just want to crawl back into bed and stay there... 

Today was one of those days... 

I wish that next month was over... 

The court case done... 

I removed the last of the items that reminded me of you... 

From my home... 

I can still remember standing and waiting for the plane to land and being so excited about seeing you once again

How fast it disintegrated 

into a true nothing-ness 

Leaving me to always wonder if you were ever really here? 

In any way shape or form? 

I try to make friends 

and they ask me strange questions... 

Making me think about just staying in bed 

forever 

like 
yes? 

-charann 

**AHA**
I woke up this morning in Vancouver, B.C. Canada
and jumped into a bubble bath
And I must say that a white bathroom with huge mirrors staring at you
Does not give one much lies
OMG
Is that me?
If Judy Blume were to write a book about me it would be
Blubber - The Whale Part II
So I looked at myself and looked for positives
Hard to when you've suffered from a dark cloud of depression for so long
But it was like a voice was saying inside my head
Competing with my sensations of panic attacks
Of driving tonight to find somewhere I have never been to before
Where is the girl/woman that moved solo to Vancouver
and rode on day passes
just to see her new beloved city?
Instead I have become a cowering obese oman hiding under her covers
right now
scared out of her mind to have to find a location
she has never been to before?
How have I become that woman?
I am removing the darkness of the cape of depression today
as I just called the front desk and asked if the hotel has an exercise room 
it does 
Today is the first day of my life 
Others have walked away from the closeting, dark room of depression 
I am going to do that as well and will stride forth in my city of today 
Vancouver and take photos 
I am so not the person described by my father as the 
Fat Lazy Whore 
Fuck you DRUNK biological Father 
I am a great many things 
I am shedding your hate of me 
Be gone 
Your words of me have or rather is no longer carried by me 
FUCK YOU 
YOU ARE SO NOT WORTHY OF MY CARRYING ANYMORE
I stand on my 5th floor balcony
and welcome the world
today
For the first time in a long time
I have always taken on the
Woe is Me
persona
Well that is begone today as well
That I must be the person the other is describing
That I must warrant the abuse they are tossing my way allot
I am strong
I am a newborn
Today

Path 

An close how beauty heart 

listen gratitude courage gentle remedy 

truth encourage tear mend night 

medicine dream doubt profound believe 

transform remember have eternity aware

-charann  

My Poems that I found Today... 

Life 

Give choice some value

better of touch before disease

every transform possible by body

that joy in whole journey

nourish voice off... 

laugh strong!

A.M. 

Me heart-strong, body peace

My treatment nourish journey there 

from life can transform at...

courage close when challenge gratitude

My... 

Serenity me meditate peace then 

surrender remedy give profound play 

every friend pure positive 

live energy balance between transformation 

you ask good through bad 

***

I spent the day today... 

Going through all of my papers... sorting through the chaos, trying to find a particular piece of documentation... 

Have not found it yet 

dammit... 

I found a poem I wrote ... 

I entitled it "The Poem I Wrote Today" 

((which obviously I had not))

 Is it okay if I call you mine? 

Just for a time? 

I have become aware that you just hear, like me, the negatives that  emit from both of our lips, 

And the positives and praise disappear on the wind

If I ask of you is it alright

For you to hold me, just for a few minutes - - 

During these current rainy days? 

Is it alright? 

I enjoy being with you, 

I really do not ask much more. 

What I am really trying to say is that this is all new 

And I want to learn about you. 

Taking just one day at a time - 

I will be here for you 

I will be just fine, being in your life, as well. 

I would like to lie beside you and listen to you, speak, breathe and just be. 

I want to grow with you, as friends, and share laughter, 

yes even tears... 

I want to learn your truths of yesterday, as your today. 

I can't wait to see your next smile and even callin' me Bird as I grin at you, my very favourite Donkey

I am reminded of you, everytime that I glance down at my puppy 

and I thank you 

for you being you 

and coming back...

-charann 

Hello

I went rock picking today

Along the beach and thought 

Oh wow it's been a year 

and what a year it's been 

How are you? 

I hope that you are well, I do 

I opened my home and my heart to you and I remember that last year this time 

I was so very excited about you entering my world 

and in such a short time 

you were like a short-lit fuse of dynamite

Now? 

Court is our date... 

BnE 

what a delight

You stole from me 

You made me cry 

All in a year 

Are you clean now? 

Are you back with Tracey? 

I hope so. 

I never thought you should have left your 

"life" 

I do not know where you are 

How you are... 

if you are clean, 

actually did detox 

or back with mommy 

I wish none of any of it went down 

but you seemed to live to push my 

buttons 

and push push push 

I was not through healing 

my own inner hurts and you pushed yours into my world 

i did not know how to understand 

the use of crack 

a pipe i found 

lies i was given 

why 

i hope that you are well 

that the rumours i have heard are true 

that you did seek detox 

and are currently clean 

the man you showed me 

was a disaster 

gross even 

i did not have the tools to cope with 

you 

at all 

the next time we are to connect 

is a court-date 

insane 

at our age 

i wanted to be something or rather someone 

special 

for you 

instead 

all of this went down 

i am still in shock 

do you ever think of me? 

or was i really just a stepping stone to get to b.c.? 

let's get through the court-date 

i expect you to push it further down the line 

and 

that you are hoping that i will drop it completely 

no what you did that night was something you must answer for 

of all the things i said did and done to you 

i don't know if that final night warranted it 

really 

do you hate me now? 

is that your reasoning? 

i don't hate you 

i look at you and will always see the handsome young man 

i found 

that found me 

and called me beautiful and pretty and worthy of one of your kisses 

and the gentleman that would hold doors open for me 

and always smile my way 

i know he is there somewhere 

one day perhaps we could sit down and talk and your coldness 

wall 

facade 

perhaps you can be honest with me 

i still wonder if you have decided which sexuality is your side of the fence? 

i have hundreds of questions 

i do 

perhaps a walk along the beach one day? 

you have my number and my address i am sure 

or write a letter and let me know 

anonymously 

how you are doing 

use my nickname 

and sign it with yours 

**ME** 

I thought of you today as I walked along the beach and remembered that it was just a year ago abouts 

that i was so excited... 

remember your birthday last year? 

fresh fish from the ocean depths and chocolate strawberries dipped fondue 

and smiles and hugs and me telling you 

i was happy "my" dude was in my world at last

shakespeare says it is better to have loved and lost 

hmmmmmmmmmm... 

on that one...

I am working on my front floral garden today... 

Phone calls are always welcome; 

250-591-5342 

**ME** 

hey i am "up" early on a saturday... 

does anyone talk anymore on the telephone? 

2505915342 

is me 

just sipping coffee and surfin lol 

until the rest of my town "awakes" then... off i will go!

Dearest Ricky 

I just wanted to take this time to say 

That I have figured it out what it is 

**EXACTLY** 

that I want to say to you... 

I have realized what it is that I want to say to you 

I miss you in my life 

I do 

What it is that I am seeking is to have you back in my world again 

I do not know what it is will be or will become 

But this I do know 

I do miss you in my world 

I do 

I would love you to be in my world 

once again 

When I look back in my life 

The **only** time in my life I was actually 

**happy** 

is when I was at the Hill household and 

with any of the Hills people

Take that as a compliment

please do 

I am going to come and visit with you and tell you this in person 

What will "we" be past that point 

I have no idea 

But I do know this 

That my NOT seeing you again this time around in our lives 

would be very sad indeed 

See you soon 

**ME** 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK-FRac7m58

youtube PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT by MEATLOAF 

'nuff said... 

left a message for you with regards to my flight schedule - and my telephone number... your move... 
before your male ego gets a stroke - i am flying to winnipeg because i need a friend and i would like to see you for the day and have your smile brighten my day and we can laugh at how life turned out... there is nothing to hide and there so is not... just when one comes to a cross-roads in life... one re-evaluates and i would like to see you and go for a talk and a walk and a laugh or 2 coffee definitely... 
if you can't spend a day with an old friend that comes to town out of the blue that is very sad ricky ... very sad... for you and ... 
me 
because we would be losing a very special day - i will let you know where i will be staying... why don't you go visit your mom and detour on the way back and visit someone else as well? it would make this someone else very happy... isn't she overdue for a ricky happy day? i think so... 
your decision... i need a friend ricky and i would like that friend to be you... 

Transformation

In life we will go through many transformations. During these periods
of reconstruction and rebirth we come into a fuller awareness of who
we are, and what we can become. A couple of images come to mind, that
of the caterpillar becoming the butterfly, or of the phoenix bird
rising out of its own ashes to begin again. Many times our
transformation processes are challenging. We are pushed to leave
behind the old familiar ways so that we might grow wings and reach new
heights. As a new butterfly emerges from its cocoon, it must struggle.
It is a seemingly difficult process, but without this effort, the
butterfly's wings would not become strong enough to allow it to fly.

Often we resist transformation when it tries to make its way into our
lives, seeing only the challenges and not recognizing the amazing
gifts that await us on the other side of the process. Other times we
have no choice but metamorphosis, it becomes a matter of life or
death. Whatever the circumstances, recognize the blessings that come
through life's transformation cycles. Without change growth is not
possible. Embrace change and spread your wings.

200 Random Things About Char... 

And **YOU** Thought You Knew Everything about Char or rather ALLOT... 

How MANY of these did you know really? 

200. To get Char **INSTANTLY** in the mood play Enrique Iglesias music = instant purrrrrrrrrr 

199. Have Enrique in the 3-some? Instant 72 hour par-tahhhhhhhhhh! 

198. Wants to get married on the beach somewhere in the warmer climate... one day!!! Waves cascading over ankles as profess I do! 

197. Char has a button to get a no IMMEDIATELY to a Yes... mmmmm... 

196. Passion is art. 

195. Favorite porn video? The Farrah Fawcett video in which she strips and rolls in gold paint = purrrrrrrrrrr 

194. Favorite place for sex? In a hammock or on a sailboat or on a hammock on a sailboat... love the sensation of the ocean breeze and the smell of the ocean... 

195. Favorite gift to receive? KINKY shoes or boots - think platform - size 7 of any color but always closed toe... 

194. Favorite way to start sex? Pull my hair baby, to get my attention... mmmmm

193. Favorite time? Early a.m. This gal loves to start the day with a bang... 

192. loves to club dance - can be found on any dance floor mixin it up if the beat is right... 

secret passion? kc & the sunshine band!!! kc was hot "back in the day" mmmmmm 

191. Would love to have Paul Stanley serenade **JUST ME** one day accoustically 

190. I still believe in "love" at first sight? I knew I loved HIM at first sight - He just played the sister card forever BLAH 

189. I am going to sit down and write "my" novel finally this summer... Jackie Collins will be tame in comparison... 

188. When I'm 80 I will still be rockin out to KISS 

187. Continued in a bit - Oh can you tell I have Adult ADHD? 

186. Love cappucino... another way to get a yes from Char? Arrive with an iced cappucino... no whipping just extra x lol what one can do with melting cappucino flavoured ice cubes!!!

185. Brush my hair and you have this kitten for life.. slowwwwwly that is... 

184. I love to role play - in and out of the bedroom... favorite is to go out in new haircolor totally opposite wardrobe and surprise my man to pick him up... see if he knows it is ME ... mmmm change the voice... makeup - remember i have worked with costuming my whole adult life... or just in the bedroom surprise him with a blonde or a firey redhead... 

or... 

183. love to type or leave naughty notes... in surprising spots... 

182. art is also my passion... 

181. trance music is played in my home constant... 

180. plants are in overabundance in my home as well... can never receive too many house plants!!! 

179. my decor in my home is always bright... 

178. my bedroom decor is bohemian... think gypsy... disco lights, strobe lights and lava lamps and pillows - never too many pillows... 

177. favorite way to put my hair when i am signalling i am "in" the mood? silk scarves... and loud, earrings... red lipstick ... a gypsy is yours for the night ... 

176. i've never been married - looked into the crystal ball and wondering about the man asking at the current time and it came back negative XX amount of times... 

175. first man who ever made me orgasm? billy idol ... must be the sneer **giggle** 

174. ADHD kickin in again ... 

173. quircky fact? i have not worn socks at all since 1986 when i landed on the west coast... and flip flops or sandals/90% of the time... 

172. As I've aged the constant for me about what is **SEXY** for me in a man is a) his voice (if his voice don't turn me on saying hello on the phone ciao... and eyes/smile tied or hey sense of humour - - > if you can't make this girl smile, giggle or lol - - > friend you are mine for life! otherwise... 

171. i have skeletons in my closet who doesn't but mine tend to arrive technicolor and loud lol 

170. my family is screwed up way beyond anybody's i have ever met 

169. 69 ... 

168. my favorite joke? what do you call a nurse with dirty knees? 

head nurse 

167. c'mon you LOVE that joke! 

166. would i move from the west coast for a man? not sure... depends on if it was the man of color RED that i chose... life is much more blissful tho working on your garden in february!!! don't you think red??? 

165. have done some research and have found that male diabetes can be cured with weight loss and so the essential male anatomy would once again work!!! so let's go dance baby! move that white boy's ass and daaaaaaaaaaaaaaance with me! and i will whisper in your ear and tell you delightful things... 

164. ADHD is hell lol later... 

163. want to own a colorful threaded drum one day so i can bang my drum all day on the ocean side ... in the sunshine... perhaps my drum will have bells as well one day? 

162. i have realized that i made a mistake in not telling someone that i loved him before i moved away from my hometown originally - oh how my life would have been different with the predominant color of red! 

161. ADHD... 

160. here is what i would say to my "red" if i were allowed a time to visit with him in the same breathing space... 

dearest red, 

we are finally together in the same breathing space, 

can you breathe? take a full breath? 

i am here to ask you if you are happy? are you? where you are at in life? 

i've always wondered about you... 

you were one of 2 - 

but you were the most constant... 

as i totally loved your family - i still call them my sisters and i swear your mom is forever mom to me as well... 

i am here today to tell you... 

that you have a choice of me... 

it does not have to be right now... 

immediately... but someday? 

perhaps? 

sure let your boys grow up and i am sure they are going to be great men as they have your love... fully and completely and unconditionally 

unlike women you've met in your life ... 

hmmmm? 

you always had everyone pegged in one of your first glances... 

well i was the quietest ones you ever kissed 

THEN 

now? 

i am reaching out and saying 

looking over my life? 

you were one of those people i missed 

you said you would be arriving with very little "she would get everything" 

pfffffffffffft live in the now 

grasp what is being offered 

who knows what TOMORROW will bring? really? 

happiness is here in your grasp 

ask your sisters, ask your mom 

or just ask your heart what you should do 

i did that and i found i missed my red... 

so i am daring to do this...

someone who thinks you are marvelous 

and i am marvelous too... 

i am here 

4u

the WHEN is up to you... 

that is what i would say to my red... 

159. i have bad habits one i just detest about myself... it is so not girlish i won't even discuss it... can you guess my bad habit? how well do YOU know char? really? 

158. surprise me with a phone call 

157. you said yes and now the summer is open for me to visit - i hope you are not taking a vacation? warn me if you are... brat lol 

157. enrique iglesias is playing in the background... surprised? lol 

156. i am fantastic with kids and animals and terrible with anger in any form... 

155. i cry at sappy movies... braveheart gets me everytime... final scene 

154. mel gibson rocks in my books ... he's crazy lol

153. tired of lol yet? 

152. favorite male actors? richard gere his smile, when he does smile mmmmmm officer and a gentleman can NEVER watch that too many times and james dean... 

or james franco... 

151. love to garden, landscape roll in the mud, 4x4 

150. fave vehicle of all time? dune buggy love 'em!!!

149. favorite macho male actor? why clint or arnold... 

148. favorite athletes? wayne gretzky or lance armstrong - i would love to cycle with lance one day... 

147. say it together... ADHD lol 

146. my favorite perfume? varies... when in the mood to cruise or signal i am... jovan musk oil... or everyday use? vanilla or exclamation... or special occasions? elizabeth taylor's diamonds... 

146. surprise communications get me everytime... 

145. when is the last time you have danced outside in the rain? one of the reasons i love b.c. so much - - you can dance outside in the rain so much!!!

144. favorite dog i love to be with as my pet? boxer, white... 

143. want to get my goat? immediately... ??? say WHATEVER detest that word DETEST 

142. love to watch dancing with the stars... favorite dancer is... 

141. can you guess? 

140. derek hough... or maks... 

139. charlie sheen makes me lol always 

138. i am dyslexic with... 

numbers **SIGH** 

137. favorite female singers? stevie nicks and annie lennox or linda rondstadt (that is who i sing in the shower) giggle 

136. continued tomorrow ... 

135.  Go to YOUTUBE and type in the song "I MISS YOU" by MILEY CYRUS... with the lyrics... you will get something of what I am trying to say here... 
134. Sit down and watch "Sweet November" with Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron - of what the "true" reason why I am flying back to see "my" Ricky
133. 250 591 5342 is my telephone number if you ever have the desire to call 
132. I hope you do... I need a friend at this scary time... 
131. Sometimes I just can't sleep and these are one of those nights... 
 

Dearest Ricky 

YOUTUBE this song 

Getting Over 

by David Guette & Chris Willis 

you sent me a song once what I meant to you 

this is the type of music I listen to as I treadmill 

thought this was apt for **YOU** 

back to the treadmill 

\

From now on I am going to address my online journal - Blog as 

Dearest Ricky - 

As that was the first person that I ever reached out to and dared to tell that my life was hellish 

So I am going to continue to write to this person, remembered by me, as beautiful and soft and caring, 

to me. 

I am going to visit your hometown over the summer 

and I am going to reach out to you as I need a friend 

How do I explain it? 

I have so very much to tell you 

Like I experience deja vu and I think that you are not happy where you are at - 

So I am expressing to you that you, too, have a friend, 

a hand to hold and a smile to share 

and we would grow from there - 

You expressed to me once, 

that due to diabetes and physical reasons - 

you could not behave sexually anymore 

That is not what I am searching for at this time 

I need a friend that I can reach out to 

and be able to talk to 

so this is the avenue that I have chosen 

At this time 

I will be in your hometown this summer and I will come and talk to you 

I am sitting here watching Oprah - 

I am not an Oprah watcher, by far, but she has Shania Twain on her show 

and she is a small-town Canadian gal done good, way good and has suffered great loss.

She said one thing that stood out to me 

That she recognized a moment of clarity. 

The breaking point. 

My breaking point 

of my life was 

when my own biological mother drove all the way to B.C. and yet she could not drive a wee bit further to visit her only biological daughter. 

I need a friend and I am going to write to you - 

Knowing that you said yes, to my visit - so that will kept in the back of my mind, during this summer. 

It is so not sexual, it is just that I remember you, Ricky as a very warm, caring individual, who always was in my space, asking me how I was doing and I am finally telling how **EXACTLY** I am doing... 

I am hoping that you can have a friend in your life - 

and that friend can be me. 

You have my telephone number if you ever want me to call you during your lunch break - just call and I will call you back 

Today? 

Let me share my day with you - 

Y'know you can take the girl away from the Prairie but you can't take the Prairie out of the girl - 

Proof is my passion is gardening 

and today, in-between working - I worked on my flower garden and landscaping - 

I scrupulously use freecycle and requested items for my yard and received some plants for my garden and that will be placed within the garden throughout the next couple of days 

If you had driven up today - 

You would have found me in my pj pants, rolled up to my knees, ponytail and ignore the white hairs!!! 

The smile would be the same, for you - 

A pair of flip-flops on or nearby - bright pink - 

allot of pink and purple and green is found in my world always - 

Do you believe in teleportation, Ricky? 

I believe that is the right word? 

When you project your being/your self outside of your body? 

Travel? Via your mind only? 

Every fiber in my body is telling me that you are needing a friend as well - 

I can honestly tell you that I understand your staying in your home that you are - 

With your family - 

But you have a friend - you do. 

To talk to, who thinks that you are marvelous and with that voice of yours, you can whisper in my ear, still, anytime... 

Oh the bright red lipstick is the same with lipgloss. 

Eyeliner, not so much... 

Ponytails, more often, than not. 

Music? Stuck in the 80's - 

Always. 

Favourite movie? 

Footloose. 

Must be the disallowed country dances **GIGGLE** 

Or the father disallowing the daughter from going to country dances, hmmmm? 

Life is short Ricky and I want to see you again

and I am going to make that happen this summer 

I will. 

What will it be? 

I am not thinking past the smile of hello 

and I am a crier

now 

I cry at sappy movies or bad movies or animals being cute or... 

When something is special, for me. 

It will be a special moment for me 

Seeing you. 

I am not moving in on your life. 

I just want to tell you in person 

That you were or rather 

are 

special to 

Me. 

I also wanted to share with you my Bestest Friend currently 

His name is 

P.K. 

"PrettyKitty" 

Yes this former prairie gal has always had animals within her world and now I have 3 

P.K., Cocoa and Puff (2 dwarf bunnies out back) 

I wish you could come and partake my world or rather home... 

My close friends I let within tell me how happy and homey it is... 

At last.

-charleneann

"charann"