Today I lost My Teenage Crush of Yesterday

I always wondered why I loved so much the movie 

The Breakfast Club 

I "got it" today 

Which girl do you think Char was? 

Yes I was a Child of the 80's... 

Ally Sheedy was me... 

Alternating with the Preppie Look on my "off days" 

Figure that one out... 

Well there was the boy a.k.a the Judd Nelson role 

The baddest of the bad and like Claire... 

I thought the world of was our High School's baddest of the bad 

25 years or thereabouts he brought a gun to school - 

But I just saw him as in need of my help, or my love - or rather, mis-guided. 

I suppressed the memory of the gun and remember him as the young man that hung around the hallways, with the beautiful full smile - Asking me, 

"Is this the day you are to kiss me?" 

I would giggle as only a teenage school girl can effortlessly do, and ran through the school doors as the final bell rang, with a toss of my hair and lingering glance over my shoulder, and a soft, "No - " whereas my glance promised much more. 

I remembered him as the WhatIf - 

Well I invited that memory - 

Now a middle-aged man into my world - 

Wanting his kisses at last - 

What I received instead 

Was turmoil, screaming, threats and more. 

A hurt boy lost within a 6'0 frame of a man - 

I reached out and smiled and tried, tried, tried - 

One of my friends call me Teenager in Love, very mis-guided myself as I, too, am so not near the teenage years either. 

He has been labeled sociopath - Yikes! 

He steals from his job - Daily. 

He has a warrant for his head - Oh! 4 charges pending - Ouch! 

I wanted touching he offered that for all of 10 days and then it was like a switch turned "off" for him - He told me that was not Me, for those 10 days. It seemed to make You Happy so I partook. 

He even elaborated, I was dazed by your assault. 

After a month, of my paying for everything - With his promises of I will pay you back on my next paycheque... 

Of which he would pay me back but always "just short" as he had to buy the beater car, the weed, the essentials of repair for his beater car - You have the rent covered don't you 

Oh wait I forgot to add - I am moving out next week 

Into a mansion, with which it is on the water, so every night we will catch our dinner and eat fresh fish every night - No more foodbank castoff's for me - oh no!

What a slap in the face! 

What a horrible feeling to be a mere stepping stone!

He is moving in with his boss at work for 3 weeks as his parents are in Mexico for 3 weeks - of which Mommy has fully stocked the fridge - No more foodbank food for him! 

This is a man I've told I am scared of my health of late - 

Bleeding for 2 weeks straight and results of other tests are to be told - 

and that I am going back to school in a month - 

But he walks away when financial assistance, if not a friend to talk to - would be the thing to be as I learn the results? 

Fear is mine - Re the Results 

Yet he walks away - 

The boss of his - I have known in a party environment who brags about the many trans-sexuals who have given him a bj - 

Hmmmmm - Nothing "comes" for free - But you may 

Oh does that sound bitter? 

A tad, of course. 

I have not mentioned the screaming sessions - late at night. 

As I try to talk to him and he screams in return? 

Like for instance, this a.m. - 

I am sitting here - not quite awake - Loopy in fact - 

When he comes with another scream - 

When you left last night, you deliberately set a fire in the fireplace to burn me up in my sleep! 

You want me dead. 

I just stared at him and wondered, 

I thought I cared about You? 

Who are You? 

Are You in There? 

Anywhere? 

-charann 

weeeeeee 

I can finally blog once again HERE 

was having problems galore 

so 

I am back... 

and of course today is so not the day to BLOG 

((not in the mood)) 

will be "back" tomorrow... 

yayyyyyyyy

You and I 

have "lived" together for the past week 

I can't get past the feelings that I, of today, have over and over disappointed you

You, in your few words that you have shared, 

have stated that the girl that you remembered... 

Grabbed life with Confidence... 

I came across as having Confidence? 

Wow - Once upon a time? 

Now you tell me that I am a person that comes as helpless and acting as if I am much "dumber" than I am... 

No, that is not what I am doing where you are concerned - 

I don't know what to make of us - 

I express myself to you and you tell me that I am lying - - Manipulating you. 

I try to touch you and you say No and I take it as rejection. 

I love to hold your hand - You say that you do not like cuddling. 

At all. 

I just want to "be" with you and I enjoyed our day with you today 

and tried to express that to you and you stomped away and said, 

"I thought we had a great week and you are telling me this is your first day you relaxed with me?" 

Slam went the door. 

I am not understanding this - 

You... 

I know that you are much more the man than what? 

I expected? 

Is the best way to say... 

Like you share your favorite music - videos and whatnot... 

I am still in shock of the songs that are your faves 

I have finally "heard" your words of yesterday... 

Of the past week... 

Of my jumping into life of the deep end... 

Over and over... 

Am I tired of having just 4 year relationships? 

Yes. 

Building from friendship, one day at a time, and growth. 

Fuck you ask allot don't you. 

I just wanted to fuck and forget you in a Summer. 

This summer. 

Risking nothing. 

How Dare You being Your Own Man. 

and wanting to hold my hand and learn about

Me. 

HOW DARE YOU. 

I would like to grow with you as well and I arrive much broken by life's cruel arrows and whatnot. 

Please continue to hold my hand and walk with me. 

I like your friendship, I do - 

Just have never had that offered before from ... 

Someone. 

BLAH.

h

Lately... 
I've invited, or we discussed, your moving to B.C. - 
I did not really think it through - 
Now you are here 
And I believe everything from your lips 
And I live for your next smile... 
When your eyes light up and look into mine and I watch the smile spread across your lips - 
We are sharing things and you grimace as I share my love of Everything 80's - Music-Wise 
You punch up on You-tube all country songs and I have to disappear and type - - Madly. 
Faith Hill and Tim McGraw have **NEVER** been played in my house ever before **giggle** 
Instead I key in on Youtube Rex Smith "You Take My Breath Away" mmmmm - 
If I could pick a song - That would be "Our Song" 
Yes indeed you from our very first glance, I am sure ... 
Have I breathed since you have arrived? 
No 
... charann 

O

Okay I just have to journal... 

It is still surreal... 

Not really believin' that it is at all real... 

My young girl crush is here beside me... 

I always wondered about "him" 

Now he is here... 

Did I think past the point of him arriving? 

Of course NOT **giggle** 

I am enjoying it so much... 

I look at him and smile... 

Let me describe him, physically, head-to-toe... 

One of the things that struck me and made me giggle, 

when he immediately got off of the plane... 

Oh there is my fixation of a man with a mole on his cheek... 

I've always enjoyed men with a mole on their cheek... 

And here is the prototype **giggle** 

He gave me a hug and I moaned for my hello, OHGAWD... 

Slamming into my body with a hug and a kiss, 

heIShere... 

He was the smart one and knew at that moment to just wrap the obviously, to him, shaking girl with a big bear hug and it was the first time I smiled up at him and let a giggle go, and stated, "Yep, I'm short..." 

With a smile he replied, "Yep you are short." 

That was when I could first almost relax... 

As the days progress... 

I have found that my problems are with trust issues and do not know really how-to adjust that... 

I love him - - Naked. 

We kissed the very first day as I found that I could no longer resist... 

Or his brown eyes, grinning down, of course, at me... 

I found that as his moods changed... So did his eye color... 

 Mmmmm, what gets the biggest reaction from him is when I walk up to him and smile up at him, the very same sentence every time, "What are you up to?" 

ME??? 

Physical description? 

He was my prototype of men I went onto date... 

Big smile, always the smile... 

Let the adventure begin... 

I really do not know what to think... 

I am just going to close my eyes and type... 

I wish that this time I could take control and wrap him up and smother him with love and kisses and explore... 

But he has the strength that I enjoy in a man - Fire in his belly - 

Perhaps that was what my mother was warning me off of from? 

Just know that every time I walked near this boy that the immediate response from my mother was, 

"Stay away from that Darin-boy, he is baaaaaaaaaad..." 

Some of the changes... 

He has changed my radio station to a be-bop station, there are photos up of his memories... 

He has his own opinions about all and everything... 

Hard-to-budge... 

Then he smiles and I really do not mind... 

The color of his lips I notice everytime that we kiss... 

I enjoy the immediate change of his eye color as I lean forward for a kiss... 

I enjoyed the look of strength and pride he gave me as he walked off of the plane and smiled down at me, wanting me to share the moment of his arriving... 

Of having arrived and yes, 

"Let the Adventure Begin..." 

Bonnie has her Clyde back... 

I was not aware of all of the walls that I had up ... 

And sharing my space... my life and sharing it with him... 

One day at a time... 

One moment at a time... 

Just give me more smiles and I am there with you... 

Too... 

-charann 

given to devon chouinard 100$ cash for return of my treadmill ASAP ... xxx amount out-standing... at 1 p.m. today... june 6th, 2010

Dearest D.J. 

Well we last talked on Thursday afternoon and you told me your flight itinerary... 

It is now Sunday and I have not heard from you since... 

Your last words were that you were going to go to your travel agent and try to get your flight itinerary moved ahead/up... 

I have called the airline and your itinerary stays the same... 

So where oh where did you go? 

The lil' girl voice tells me that you have gone back to your ex and are spending the weekend doin' the ol' bump and grind... 

The logical side says that you are spending the weekend either with your room-mate... Or your other mates saying good-bye... 

Well my nerves are shot since it has been decades since you and I have seen the other... 

And, hey, so very much has gone on in either of our lives... 

I am so **NOT** the girl that crushed on you at 14... 

Smiling up at you... And giggling, and running away from you and blushing so very badly when you would ask me for a kiss... 

But knowing as I ran away from you how very much I wanted you to kiss me and explore the whatever came next... 

Instead I ran, having been told that D.J. is one BAD boy, not really understanding the word BAD in this context... 

But knowing that I wanted to know... 

Then you were gone... 

And I was left to wonder about you... 

Then I "found" you on facebook and wanted to know ALL about you... 

How were you, were you good? Were you happy? 

Were you Single?? 

Did you want to come and be loved by me, finally? 

I am playing the CD  DRESED TO KILL by KISS 
I play this whenever I need to de-stress 
And that is right NOW...
I am beginning to hope... 
That you show... 
But the lil' voice inside is stating that you are spending the weekend doin' the bump'n'grind with your ex or exes... 
As my vision of you is that you have MANY MANY MANY exes that are quite almost satisfied, wanting your... and your mouth back on them... Whispering their name as you go down on them or enter them, promising them the world as well... 
Or the goody-goody voice inside of me states that you are spending the weekend with your friends, saying goodbye... 
Then another voice says WTF is he LOL 
Trust, sure is an issue with me LOL 
I so want to walk from this, then I also want to dare to care... 
If I do not hear from you before Thursday, 
I am staying in my world, and not venturing forth... 
I so would love for you to be the Prince I glimpsed of you and your promising smile, when I was 14... 
Also the devil that I found in your eyes... 
You are My Clyde and I so would have been your Bonnie... 
Oh the adventures we would have had in our youth... 
Now is it our time? 
As my favourite Budhist friend states, 
"What will be, will be." 
I just wish it was tomorrow and not Friday. 
Just call me ONE MORE TIME before Friday LOL 
This girl is trippin' 
The song that is playin' as I type this final line is apt; 
C'mon and Luv Me
by 
KISS 
no wonder they are the Greatest Band in the Land... 
Or 
Anything for my Baby 
\I would steal 
Anything for my Baby 
I would wheel and Deal 
Anything for my Baby
... 
That would have been Us 
Bonnie and Clyde 
Clyde and Bonnie... 
You would have thought of the idea, 
I would have replied, everytime 
"This is how we could do it better..." 
-charann

friend

understand medicine treatment mend transform

recover when positive sooth almost

cycle and nourish profound changes 

above wisdom life gift meditate 

warm gratitude safe from mind

would

doctor skin possible never you 

faith encourage wisdom with after 

through light pamper night between 

balance relief beneath path listen

hard still which believe new 

-charann

Why She is My Best Friend... 

Her Latest Advice - Re - DJ: 

First --take a breath. Second --realize that you're living a lot in your head right now regarding him, making all kinds of assumptions, full of hopes, smiling over memories --wrap these together and they still don't make the meet-in-person guy you think (even with 3 hour phone calls!!!). Third, from the pic, I'd say he's settled; if so, then chill, he just wants a visit. Fourth, very likely tech troubles --shoot, happens a lot. Fifth, if he wants to get a hold of you, and you've given him more than one method by which to do that, then he will. Sixth don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. --live by my credo: Seventh --decide for yourself first what or if you want anything --relationship-wise --okay? Declare it first (read that as FIRST) for yourself... By what you've mentioned of him, he doesn't sound like he's a very good match. Eighth (yes, I thought of an 8th), you're feeling flattered right now by a past interest, and especially so because you're lonely and have had a lot of crap recently. Know that you are vulnerable...know that about yourself. And then be okay with that. Soak it up. That's good. But don't get carried away. Just be flattered --that's cool. Ninth --Do not wait for him, do not wait in any sense, until there is confirmation he's arriving at all. Tenth -- get on with your life. Hugs. ...You asked... :)

"DJ" 

I made the attached photo blurry as 

I am having trouble believin'

in 

You. 

You stated that you were visitin' 

Me. 

Yet zero communication and what-not

I talk to others and they say, at best, 

"You shall see." 

Well you are supposed to arrive either tomorrow or the latest the next day... 

To spend the summer with me. 

Yet your reasons of no communication of late (2 weeks, but who is counting LOL) 

is room-mate's computer has crashed... 

Yet you have my telephone number? 

His telephone has crashed as well? 

Well 

when I get worried and confused 

and whatnot... 

I houseclean

So you 

IF 

you 

arrive will see a spotless home!!! 

Surprise me and 

Arrive. 

Actually be a Man of your 

Word. 

A rarity in this day and age. 

-charann 

Well since I do not know "really" if you are visiting or you were just telling me lies...

The eternal optimist/positive side of me thinks this scenario:
On the 29th, I will go about my day thinking, "See this is just another day, my world is not about to change, by having someone arrive, meaning DJ. He did not arrive yesterday and thus, he is not showing up today."
So I go about my day, boxing up stuff and wearing jeans and puttering about my house, enjoying coffee and whatnot. Music loud and enjoying Bon Jovi music (when I am blue, Bon Jovi sets the mood).
Due to the loudness of the music, the soundtrack Young Guns, I do not hear the knock at the door, which I never lock anyways, when I am home.
There is a tap on my shoulder and as I turn to see why, I hear, "See? I kept my word and I brought gifts, some things I thought you would like."
I stare at you, not believing, and you finally smile, after traveling for hours, "Now where's that kiss, don'cha think I've waited long enough?"
I laugh and step forward... This is 80% of me...

The pessimist/10% side of me thinks:
"It's just another day, the 29th, as well as the 28th, and life will continue as before and you have chosen T. again." Which makes sense really - She is known, you have history and children etc etc Me? I am known for what? Puppy love and high school?

Then the childish side of me thinks, your flight will be delayed, your taxi arrives, it is raining and somehow you arrive, bursting with energy and giddy and the joy of something new/unknown chosen (Me and B.C.) and you step out of the cab, and I rush into your arms and laugh, and say, "You are here and I can't believe it. You have made someone very happy today and I hope you are happy with your choice and me kissing you finally."

The taxi driver interrupts our endless kiss, "With hey buddy? 20$??"

Just the lack of communication lately hahahaha Is he arriving or not? Just promises, or what? But I am going with my friend, Shawn, he and I talk allot, (he's just an online friend) and I've told him about you and everything and he is a practicing Buddhist and he just says, "Breathe, and let what be, be."

So DJ I would be ecstatic IF you chose to visit B.C. and just show up and choose me - But I understand you have "roots" in Ontario... Just wish you would let me know IF you were arriving but then again, the SURPRISE element would be gone HAH So I am not sure, which is the BEST way? My knowing and waiting and being the tense female waiting at the harbour, as the lil' float plane lands or the un-knowing, wondering female sitting at home, thinking, He chose "SAFE" and "KNOWN" and that is no surprise really?

So I will listen to Shawn (actually he is not totally unknown - he went to our shared high school too and grad with me - - he is one of the family of ...) "What will be, be." Simple and to the point.

Just would be happier knowing perhaps HAH

Oh and my phone still works by the way - does yours? You keep on mentioning that your room-mates computer has crashed - His phone too? No phone calls either? 250- is me... To use when you land on Vancouver Island is fine too hahahah Or just give the taxi driver the address ... Drive is me.

I foolishly went to the mailbox thinking DJ has chosen to write to me - Nope no card/note nothing...

Have a great day, I am spending mine today with a girlfriend, Helen, and she is fun. We are taking pictures of my art and going to mass merchandise it (always looking for the next million via the Net lol) so perhaps you would like to BUY Original CharArt? LOL www.zazzle.com or go to the web page of www.zazzle.com and search char or c and you can buy my artwork... cool, eh?

Or you could buy 2 plane tickets and make the artist extremely happy and meet her this month. Your choice.

Phone me lol hahahaha This zero communication bites.

Okay I've written enough...

The pessimist side of me, is making the optimist side of me feel foolish for sending this communication. Surprise me DJ, be a man of your word. And we would have a summer of fantastic memories. That I can promise you. 

Calling is good too. 

 

Author: Charlene

Lust... 

The best line ever that I have ever read about Lust... 

I found within the book Witchling by Yasmine Galenorn

"Shut up and come upstairs, and fuck me until we shake the stars out of the sky."

-charann

My Dream of Last Night... 

I walked onto my deck, wooden, to sit at a small, round table, metal, with just 2 chairs, with a letter in my hand, 

It is breezy, and I brush back my hair, blowing softly across my face, because of the breeze.

I set the letter down on the small table, with a candle to hold it from blowing away. 

There is a pot-belly stove to keep the deck and me, warm, on the far right corner of the deck.

I lean over the deck and watch a car drive away. 

It is a grey car, from like 1953 - - y'know like something Humphrey Bogart would drive? 

Those old "Tank" cars, bulky and grey? 

It drives down my driveway 

and I turn away to read my letter and notice that it is blowing away in the breeze. 

I never get to read the note... 

I watch it blow away in the wind.

INTERPRETATION? 

I Sit Here 

Eyes wide shut and dreamin' 

Wonderin' IF I should believe your words, 

your promises

Of coming to visit 

Everyone in my direct world 

says when was life ever a Movie? 

I want to believe 

I strive to 

Yet 

... 

Prove them 

wrong 

Please... 

-charann 

W

Well, Well 

Let me tell you a story - 

Of a young lass 

She was quite a late-bloomer 

and the man pictured here 

When last known, was but 15 to her 14... 

He would smile down at her and say, everytime they were alone together, 

"C'mon beauty, kiss me, I know YOU want to..." 

She would smile up at him, and run far away from him, everytime, 

with a giggle and a toss of her hair, and of course, a backwards glance.

She chose another, 

a boy that lived in their same hometown. 

The chosen one was reserved, and not so blunt about the kissin' thing. 

It ended in disaster and she always wondered about 

the male she never kissed. 

Well, well. 

Let me tell you a story. 

Facebook helps one to find/locate others from one's past 

and indeed she "found" him. 

The boy she never kissed. 

Or 

Forgot. 

Let's call him Jay. 

Now they talk every night. 

1000 minutes/night. 

Enligtening the other about one other's lives. 

Should she let him back into her life? 

He would be flying to see her. 

From central Canada to her beloved WestCoast. 

He promises to arrive in a few weeks - 

Should she believe. 

He says he wants to catch her now 

and kiss her soundly. 

And she is not running, this time. 

Will he fly out? 

Is he marvelous. 

Almost 20 years has passed. 

How much has changed? 

How much has stayed the same? 

Dare she believe? 

Dare she? 

Will he? 

Fly out? 

He keeps on saying he will. 

She has a hard time believing another. 

Especially a male. 

Hurt is what Male equaled to in her life 

in 20 years. 

Hmmmmmmmmmm... 

She is wondering, but not yet - 

Believing - 

A little voice insides 

Hopes. 

-charann

LOS ANGELES (Reuters Life!) - Oscar winner Anna Paquin came out as bisexual on Thursday in a video campaign for gay rights advocates, surprising the "True Blood" star's fans and causing the organization's web site to crash.

 Okay in all truth, in my 20's I dated a girl - exclusively - Let me call her Delilah since I have always obsessed over that name **giggle** Or rather wanted that to be MY name... 


I was courted by this girl at the end of my "love" let's call him Dick as in Head **evil grin** He had been my first - - Kiss, deep kiss/french kiss, first date, first late night phone call, first climbing out of the house, on a school night/must see HIM dude and first F----. 


Lasted from 14 to 29 and Delilah came into my world at the end of this "Love." She courted me and listened and helped me thru the tears of the Loss of my Love of My Life (or so I thought at the time). 


Delilah was beautiful. Portuguese and tanned all year long, loooooooooong flowing curls, and eyelashes that went on forever, and pouty lips that purred my name. 


She courted me with limosine rides to the park "Just Because", champagne picnics in the sunshine and shopping trips - All for me "Because I was going thru a rough time... 


But - When she said she wanted all of me I could not be The One for Her. I am straight and felt guitly that I abused the situation. But it was a boost. And I was flattered beyond anything or anyone before that entered my life and "liked" me. 


I felt Beautiful beside Delilah or rather her beauty rubbed off on me. She was saucy where I was shy, a vixen where I was a wallflower and a temptress when I was tempted. 


My decision was that I had seen "how" the world treated Gays/Lesbians/Queers/Fags/Dykes... etc etc And stayed on my side of the closet - The straight, but confused, side. 


Would I say I am bisexual? I "know" a beautiful woman when I see one. I would rather draw the female art form in class - I create out of clay the female form only. Lovingly creating breasts and the pubis bone - Does that make me Bi? 


No I love/lust/desire the thrust of a Penis. Near me, poking my thigh, moving in and out and thrusting... That makes me moan, if he's lucky or rather I am, scream. 


The last time I moaned a male's name? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh that is a whole other blog entry. 


Wow sipping wine and eating strawberries and whipping cream - - aprhodesiacs (sp?) for sure LOL 


Me.... 


It's been awhile LOL Single I am and NOT so enjoying it - - A blue eyed man always catches my eye - Then green hazel and teddy bear browns ... In that exact order... I enjoy the blue jean type of guy... Brought up in that atmosphere - Hard-working, dirty men that came home for a refreshing... 


Shower of a babe waiting... 


For... 


Alrighty then LOL

if anyone has this DVD or the Collector's Edition - I would love to buy it... landscapersrule@yahoo.ca