Father's Day The Poem -

I wander thru today -

Wondering wTf?

Exactly half my lifetime ago, today -

I moved from my Province of Manitoba

to British Columbia

Because of the Love of a Man -

My Daddy

My Daddy

My Daddy

Today?

I have sent him a Father's Day present -

Which he has not acknowledged -

Yesterday?

I spent a day with a casual friend

Who was crying tears over her Departed

Father.

Yet mine no longer acknowledges me -

Do I take the blame?

For being Mentally Ill?

For being the less than perfect

Daughter? Child? Woman?

That Daddy Desired?

I can feel my mind spinning out of control today -

Wondering If...

Suicide Is Painless?

I am facing Homelessness -

Scared out of my fucking Mind.

Yet I can't afford my Anti-Depression Pills- My isn't that Irony???

Let me digress -

Even at thirteen years of age -

I was running TO my Daddy

Daddy

Daddy

DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leaving behind abuse, of a step-father's hand, belt and whips

I arrived on your doorstep

Shut down, I was, for thirty days I did not Utter a Word - you sent me back.

Nineteen, I returned -

All fresh-faced and alive

I was moving in with my

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy

For my twenties I loved 2 other men, beyond Daddy -

Neither were good enough for me, or Daddy -

He put them down - I walked away from both - Desiring Daddy's approval more.

During the same time, Daddy married wayyyyyyyyyyy below himself -

She was crass, a drunk, a pill-popper; Have another Valium Michelle -

In a drunken stupor the week before the wedding I asked; Do you love My Daddy? - -> Your money y'mean? Oh yessssssssssssssss, I do!

Step-mother meant a beautiful step-sister -

I loved right from the start,

Her heart too was turned away from me...

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy

During this time of wedded "bliss"

Daddy lost one ball to testicular cancer

And the other? Step-mother swallowed whole.

Grab a back-bone Daddy

Why did step-sister get my Grandmother's car, when I drove a beater?

Why does step-sister get eighteen presents at Xmas and I get one?

Why am I never number one for you?

Why do you tell me to turn to Welfare when I face homelessness?

When you are there? With your 9.5 millions in your pockets, spilling forth?

Daddy?

Daddy. . .

Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did I do to warrant such disregard?

Why can't you speak up for me once?

When your Lowlife wife says, Me or Her, not both?

I love you whole,

I love you pure

Blood is thicker than water, so I was told, ONCE.

My heart is broken, I don't know what to do -

As my mental illness, alone, spins out of control -

Don't you love your little girl lost anymore? Not acknowledging my Present this year???

Did you ever?

Or just wanted the perfection?

Of skinny, pure and true?

Sorry I arrived with imperfections -

But my love for you was always True...

Daddy... Daddy... Daddy...

Today I choose a knife -

Slowly draw it across my jugular -

Or perhaps I will wander downtown and grab a needle and airbubble death?

I wanted you to be there for me

ONCE.

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy -

Goodbye -

-charleneann