As I Say Goodbye to 2010 

What a F'g Year it has been for me... 

Everything and I mean everything CHANGED for me in 2010 

I started off 2010 finally feeling "settled" as settled as Char lets herself be... 

Then January brought my house burning to the ground ... 

Of which I am still struggling financially over with... 

Never mind psychologically 

It was determined that the dude downstairs started the fire because the voices inside his head told him to do so 

He could not be charged due to the Mental Health Act 

So you want to get away with a crime? 

Have your medication(s) changed 

Start talking to walks for 3 days previous and commit your crime - 

You will walk - 

Guaranteed 

Sound a little bitter? Me? 

Try losing EVERYTHING 

and I mean everything 

Animals included - to perish in a fire as you watch, helpless.

Try that suit on for a day. 

You will dislike it as much as I a year later. 

People in my life? 

I re-acquainted myself with my beau-hunk of high school - in the summer time - 

It was a roller coaster lifestyle I entered 

Currently (supposedly) I hope so??? 

He is in a Rehabilitation Centre - somewhere in B.C. 

I truly hope that he is seeking the help he so desperately needs 

I held him many a night and cried 

As I remembered the "stars in his eyes" young man that I loved to seek out in high school and elsewhere - 

He was the best athlete at anything he tried - 

My favorite sport to watch him play was baseball as he just looked so "fine" in those baseball pants - so very fine - When he ran out to the field - I cheered and giggled many a summer day away 

He would ask me for kisses in the morning before school and I would giggle and run away, saying today is so not the day. 

He left our small town and I always wondered. 

Not imagining that his life turned out his way or mine either. 

Would our life had been different if I had stood up that day and stopped him from leaving the school? 

I will never know. 

But I believe in him still - I hope that we converse one day, once again - Once this current mess is cleared. 

Oh his swan song was dreadful - 

Breaking into my place and saying terrible things and so f'g high - 

My best friend told me he was finally comfortable enough with me to show me the Junkee - the Crack-head. 

I never want to see that part of him ever again. 

I learned allot of myself from this man. 

I do not regret letting him into my life. 

I learned allot about myself from him. 

In a very fast paced way. 

Roller-coaster was the journey with him. 

I learned that I could open my heart, once again, to a man. 

That I could talk far into the night and converse. 

Giggle and enjoy Sunday mornings with someone. 

2010 for me will be remembered as the Year of Losses. 

Felicity and Kelly-Anne I wish would journey over to my home - 

They are always welcome - yet are always "busy". 

I got tired of requesting. 

My best friend passed away recently. 

I don't know how I will carry that one into 2011. 

She was just so special to 

Me. 

Rachel, another friend, I always feel I have not lived up to her "expectations" of me. 

So I have withdrawn. 

I always feel that there is a ruler of expectations she holds up to me - 

Somewhat like the same feeling I get when I am near my biological Father. 

That I am the "Fat, lazy whore" that my Father openly describes me as. 

I look in the mirror as I enter 2011 and I wonder where all the years have gone? 

What will 2011 bring for me? 

I hope that I enter 2012 in love, with someone - 

Will it be the detoxifying one? 

Not if he is still the lying, stealing one that he presented last. 

But I know that when he "let" himself sit down and talk to me... 

Perhaps I "saw" the young man beneath the hurts? 

I know I let only him see the Char beneath her hurts. 

I told him that I no longer knew how to be with another human being. 

Too many ouchee's life had dealt me. 

I am better at running away and what? 

Oh he said to me that I had vindictiveness down pat. 

Whatever. 

The most hated word of 2010. 

I end this year - 

Crying over all the hurts of this year. 

Wishing my best friend was still here. 

Wondering if my beau-hunk is well, or rather truly seeking the help he so rightly deserves. 

When I look at him I still see Golden. 

"Stay Gold." i.e. The Outsiders 

I still see the twinkle in his eye every now and then - I hope he finds his way. 

No longer losing himself in drugs, thieving and lies... 

I am his friend thru and thru as he had my heart for like forever. 

I am going to spend the last day of 2010 - sipping too many cappucinos, cleaning my home, detouring to a Tibetan chapel/monastery and ring in the new year in a very zen-like way... 

Silence will be mine. 

Right now? 

I have to clean, cry and walk my pooch and more cappucino - 

I hope all my friends - 

Past and present - 

Forgive me for my "Lost" 2010 

as I truly lost Char and my mind 

When I lost everything in the fire. 

I am somewhat back now. 

Contact me 

and let's repair what was lost - 

When I lost my mind 

and everything else. 

Positives? 

I am now talking to my mother after 14 years of not doing so. 

I am attending University - 

after every male in my life 

Biological Father and man I lived with for like forever (perhaps Jim?) told me I was too f'g stupid - other than to take basket weaving or to lie on my back studies - 

And I have not cracked the A mark but B+'s 

As I type this my stereo is blasting my favorite Home-town band B.T.O. "Taking Care of Business" 

Apt for my Motto of 2010 

On that note I will make myself another cappucino and wish myself and my pets a wonderful 2011 

and my friends, past and future, 

and the beau-hunk. 

He was the most of a person I ever met as well. 

I gave him all of me. 

I wonder if I changed him as much as he changed me. 

-charann

Dearest Darin - 

I spent my day today thinking about you - 

I don't know why I just did - 

I finally cried over what you did to me - 

Stole from me - 

Lied to me 

Created a Darin that you knew I would like 

Darin 

When I look at you I see (saw?) only a good person - - 

That could COULD!!! Do so many things - 

Until the night you "let" me see the Crackhead 

who had to steal from me, a person that held you tight and believed you when you told me that you were going to seek treatment - 

Send me a message through Cheryl if you ever want to say anything to me 

You know that her and I talk often

I want to hear how you are doing 

I wish that you would seek treatment for your addiction(s) - 

I really do not know all the items that you are addicted to 

Why your anger is always so close by 

I believe/think that you are a latent homosexual 

That that is why you have your anger - 

Not being able to express your gay side in any way... 

I think that you have shut down, so far down, deep down inside that you can no longer feel

If you ever did ??? 

I wish I would have escaped with you when we were teens and we faced the world together then... 

I wish we could have spent a happy complete day together of honesty 

Seek help Darin for your addiction(s) 

and after you do - 

We can begin as friends 

Only when you are honest with me and our hellish night and other days 

One day I am sure we are going to talk again 

I am sure you are happy on your Xmas day...

Have you seen this man?

Police are looking for a city man who left home over the weekend and has not been seen since.

Darin Jansen, 43, left his Cannon Street East home around noon Saturday after telling his wife he was going to pay a hydro bill. He was last seen riding a maroon and gold mountain bike.

Police say Jansen's disappearance is out of character, and that he left without needed medications.

He is white, 5-foot-11, 205 pounds, with brown hair and brown eyes. He was wearing denim shorts, a "Looney Tunes" baseball shirt, a "Canada" baseball cap and running shoes. 

He's run once - Why wouldn't he run once again from my charges? 

GO FIGURE...

My Best Friend Died 

And I am reeling - 

She was the soft of word, whereas I was brash, - 

I had still so much to learn from her. 

She would listen to my Vents - 

As she had been through the very same - 

Before me. 

Like for example - 

She went through a crackhead male living within her home - 

Then exactly one year later I unwittingly let a crackhead male into my home/life/world - 

Giving him my heart 

and sharing everything with him 

He stole from her 

And she tried to tell me 

And I defended

him 

To my eternal regret. 

We were the best of friends, 

sharing words, giggles and laughter at all hours of the day and night - 

It was a given that each of us could call the other 

Just to say 

hello. 

It was much too soon to say goodbye. 

She layed her head down upon her computer desk, her facebook page the last thing she were to see and her beloved cat on her lap. 

What I learned from Helen - 

Reach out and be a friend, 

choose "better" friends 

A softer word is always better 

and laughter, daring to share 

words and truth. 

-charleneann

Dearest Darin 

I am still in shock with what you have done

To me 

I am trying to... 

As the saying goes, 'wrap my head around it,'

When you arrived here, like 6 months ago, 

I thought that a new, much happier chapter was to begin 

It was just another chapter of chaos,

which I really did not desire/want or need. 

I hope that you receive the help that you so desperately require

Your sister loves you, she tells me that often, 

She is picking up the pieces that you have cast away -

I understand that she is taking in your daughter, and grand-babies... 

Where you walked away.

This is none of my concern, really -

As I too, am walking away, 

from you. 

But not without tears,

rather allot of - 

Tears. 

I looked at you and saw the boy I fell for when I was 14 and wanting to believe in someone

That someone was you. 

How your life progressed -

Always with the help (and I say that sarcastically) of drugs - 

The drug of the moment -

You entered my world and I talked to you and talked and talked 

You took me and chose to destroy

me. 

Well I am reeling, I am, and weak, but I am not

Destroyed. 

Tears are flowing

and 

flowing. 

In time, I will heal. 

I hope you find your power. 

I can't see you but destroying yourself 

with your crack and crack-whores and whatnot. 

I wanted to build a life with

You. 

You wanted to 

destroy

Me. 

I listened to your words and believed, 

finding out in time that you gave different words to each person you talked to... 

The life/actions of a true addict. 

I have to walk away from you. 

To find life once again

for 

Me. 

Could we ever be friends again? 

Only if you received the help you so desperately need. 

Own up to your actions and lying words -

all of them. 

Return my cash, apologize to me and grab/reach for Rehabilitation. 

I see your potential. 

I do. 

-charann 

Dearest Darin 

You did damage to me & my former home the other night 

You stole from me cash... 

The money I was to use for my move... 

I have learnt from others that you have made it your mission to
"destroy me" 

This is from a person that comes over to my house and promises me the world... 

Touches me, caresses me and coos into my ear, promises far into the night... 

Then the very next night utter chaos

Theft, physical assault, verbal assault, and it goes on and on... 

OMG????? 

Now you and I have a court date... 

I believe(d) in you for like a forever-ness

Now I just can't stop alternating between feeling completely numb/crying and abused, 

to screaming out WHY??? 

Or rather WTF? 

You have been labeled by the courts as Psychotic - I believe it now. 

I look at you when I see you passing down the street and just feel pain, deep down inside where I don't or rather have not let others be... 

I hope you get the help you require

You've lost me 

My tenderness, my believing in you and my warmth and hugs, always. 

Just numb I am as I write this. 

Did you destroy me?

It was a f'g good try. 

Down but not out. 

Hurt but not dead. 

Why did you stop? 

Beating me that night? 

You let me live? 

Like really? 

Ouchies. 

-charann 

Good-Bye My Friend Darin 

You unleashed, I believe, all of your vented verbal fury my way the other day

The words you said, my way, made me stand very still, and in shock, 

I asked you, "Why are you saying these things?"

Yet you did not stop. 

I can no longer deny the truths, so very apparent to everyone else 

Drugs, and other sicknesses have you in their grip

Holding you tightly and you are almost swallowed whole 

You are no longer the man I met just 4 months ago - 

That man smiled and joked and dreamed - 

Does this photo look like any of those traits? 

Anger, self-hatred (yours) just oozes from your very pores 

I held you to me, 

and I cried when you left 

That is the last time 

I bumped into a person we both knew and the lies you told you further shocked me 

I did not know I could be shocked even further!!! 

You stated that your grand-baby died in birth - - she is alive and well and your daughter is well too...!!! 

You stated that your sister died too, in the very same time frame !!! 

I just talked to your sister, just yesterday... 

These are the reasons you gave for leaving your long-term (if you so wanted) unionized job - 

They "liked" you there!!! 

Long-term employment was yours... 

I was your friend that believed in you and smiled with you and saw a FUTURE with you

Wow

No longer - 

Our shared friend also told me that you were "pinging" out of control just 2 nights ago 

How do I deny that? 

Good luck to you, my friend, 

I wish you well, 

no more tears shed for you, 

by me. 

I need to heal

the hurt and 

continue on 

solo. 

-charann

Contact Numbers Darin had on his cell phone - -
ashlie - 905-456-6598
curtis 250-535-2290
elsie 250-754-2231
johanna (sister) 204-897-6166
mike 250-618-4500
mom jansen 204-896-1313
t dave 250-713-3923
anonymous 250-713-6017

the last night that he called me was from 250-802-0331 - of course it was a man - - and darin said "i am sick and i am going to stay here tonight... i am very sick"

i called him back and said that he no longer has a place to stay here and he became defensive immediately stating that "this was a guy he did not know at all and just that he was so sick, he could not move, this guy would let him stay there tonight.

hahahaha what a joke - i let him stay here BECAUSE he was so sick - but look how fast i am replaced if i was ever "in" darin's life HAHAHAHAA

good bye darin, good luck to you...

okay here is what went down - - darin stayed until this morning and last night we had words or rather he vented and i cried... some of the things he said was he could not believe how vindictive i am !!!! i.e. talking to his sister online and telling his sister that he was a crackhead - i said to him that i did not bring up FIRST that he was/is a crackhead that his sister told me that he was a crackhead since he was 15 - and his reply? my sister would never say that and then he thought it over and said my sister fucking knows nothing about my life - i said she knows more than you think she does - she is NOT stupid
then he said that he would not stay around unless i kept my mouth shut around people - that this all happened because of my loud mouth - and he kept on going on and on about a letter that was written about him at his job - - i said darin, i would admit about writing a letter i wrote the letter to welfare because i thought that was bullshit what you were doing - collecting welfare and working bullshit - and then i asked him where did ALL of your money go anyways? he said you saw my car i had to repair it new brakes, new ((i quit listening at that point))
then he started to rant on and this is when i started crying i can't believe how vindictive you are!!!! you cut me off at the knees - - no one EVER not even my wife who is more woman than you will ever be - - has hurt me as much as you have - -
This is when I reacted - - Darin then if she is more woman than I will ever be - - Why are you still coming around MY door than? HUH? GO BACK TO HER!!! That all-woman - You left your job - You left w/a full pay cheque ENOUGH to fly back to YOUR ALL-WOMAN But no and WHY? Because I rocked your world from the very first time you ever met me at 15 - - like you rocked mine - and I rocked your world when you stepped off the fucking plane and you were NOT so NOT ready for that for your HEART to be touched - - and here was Char who is so unstable and hurting by life and yet she thinks the world of Darin - and YOU KNOW THAT YOU FUCKING KNOW that with every fiber of your being - and you CARE FOR ME and that bugs you w/every fiber of your being - - IT DOES IT DOES!!! And that is why you keep on coming back to me and screw you that she is more woman than me - - I rock your world - With just a smile, like your smile rocks my world and YOU KNOW THAT - That when we are good together, we are fucking fantastic and that is why you massacre it to put it back to where you are comfortable!!!
Then he started screaming - YOU VINDICTIVE LIL' BITCH - If I was as vindictive as you I would have called your family - -
WHAT FUCKING FAMILY? MINE? AND TOLD THEM WHAT?
That you are a whore -
Oh give me a break they all fucking know - - give me a break - - That has been thrown in my face the very first time I ever strutted on the stage and threw down the first costume and showed my titties DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE FIRST DUDE I AM FUCKING THAT HAS THREATENED THAT? give me a break - give your head a shake
Well why did your Father throw you out on the street? What the fuck did you do to him? I thought that over and over - Since I have been living on the street for the past 10 days - Look at me - Don't I look like a street person?
No you look like a crackhead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Junkee-Pig!!!!
WHO WROTE THE LETTER???????? Nobody knew me as well as you did in Nanaimo -
Your lil' WHORE Celine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She wanted to sleep with you from the get-go and deal with that !!!!!!!!!!! And Dave - How many times did you sleep with him for your Crack?
I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM - -
So you are not denying sleeping with Celine? She wrote the fucking letter!!!!!!!!!!!
You cut me down at the knees - Even at my worst I have never been this low - Because of a woman I flew across a fucking country to HELP - no one else was there to help you - Get you to therapy for your trauma NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now? You are so pathetic you can't even get off your fat ass to take your puppy for a walk - I HAVE TO DO IT!!!!!!!!
I stood up and leaned nose-to-nose with him then (he was in a deck chair) Fuck you Darin - I am NOT your ex-wife - I do not sit on the computer 24/7 and take photos and change my photos hourly so my online "admirers" will line up and drool over my photo and that is my way to get my ego stroked - Yeah I spend time on the computer - - But every time I go on the computer I MAKE MONEY - And don't you EVER put down again how I make my cash - a) you are not making any
BECAUSE OF YOUR VINDICTIVENESS

Anyways that was the conversation - Then he stomped off to bed and slept in Oh wait he borrowed the phone yesterday and I listened to the conversation and he asked to borrow 500 (500 what I have no fucking idea)
I star 69'd the number and it was a hotel and I even got the room number -
When Darin left this morning he took all the items he wanted - - Clothes that were still here - And left what he did not want - New hat - LOL Coveralls and hoodie - I am pissed about the hoodie hahaha Was my fave hahahaha And took his miniscule 2 plastic bags of "stuff" - I asked him if he was coming back - Because I said I am getting off my fat ass and taking my doggy for a walk today and I do not know what time I will be returning
His reply was not while you are being like this
So who knows?
We started screaming this a.m. again JOY JOY

FEEDBACK?

i hope 1 day you read this - i really do not care when - as i write this i do not know where you are in any way - i just wanted to tell you that i wish that i could have a re-do - of the whole summer and be the girl/woman that u needed at the time... i was just so damaged and hurting (which i was not aware of at the time, really) i could just basically explain that i was like a war victim basically shell-shocked and in pain... internally and was really not ready for a hurting man to enter my life
i hope that you are taking care of you...
i miss your smile - when you smile, darin, you are the most beautiful person that i have ever seen/met... and i see the young man that captured my heart so very fully so many years ago
if you ever need a friend darin, i am always here for you, i am... j.j. is growing and is what i call my mini-shetland pony...
if you have met someone, i hope that you are happy...
if you have flown back to ontario... i am glad... i always thought that tracie was the "one" for you... you so very obviously, i thought, loved tracie...
but who am i to talk... i can't define love even if someone gave me a million to give a definition of love...
i just wanted to write to tell you that if you ever want to go for a walk and laugh at the insane size of j.j. -
also the room/yours is always available... for however long you need it ... free of course ...
oh i am sure that you have lost my number... it is the same believe it or not... 2-54
my news? i am now in hypno-therapy it is helping allot - did you know that the fire actually changed my brain chemistry? which is in its way literally physically changed my "outlook" and brain wave energy of my brain, itself? P.T.S.D. post traumatic stress disorder ... nuts...
i am doing great at school/university (i have zero distractions so of course i am i.e. no social life whatsoever) no ja------- in my world hahahahaha to disrupt
well you are always welcome in my world, darin, check in whenever you want... i am always here for you, IF you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, to say hi or laugh with... the one thing i enjoyed was talking to you... you have a beautiful voice, me thinks... and smile...
i wanted to get closer to you and demanded it to be MY way and only my way sorry about that... hopefully we can be friends again one day...
char and j.j. and p.k.

September 2010

Dear Darin -

I am hoping that you read this letter from me to you -

I am writing to tell you that I am sorry, to the Infinity level of Sorry's. How I treated you. I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance. For us to be friends once again.

I miss your smile – I do. I miss you, I do.

First off, I did not write a letter to your work. I would own up to it if I did. But I never did.

I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance, yes. Can we go for a walk and a talk? Zero expectations beyond the walk and the talk and I will say to you, in person, how Very sorry I am for how I treated you? So very horribly. In so many ways.

I do not want to lose you “in” my life. Just Friends and hang and do things. With zero expectations beyond the hanging out in that very moment.

What have I been doing? Well I have received the moneys from my claim and I thought Hmmmmmm – A new car but instead I invested in therapy sessions for the next 6 months – Unbelievable. Me. So far I have learnt that I am experiencing P.T.S.D. Which stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So of course I was “out there” with you and everyone else that I have known - - and tossed them away. That is “normal” of the Disorder.

I want to sincerely apologize to you for screaming at you the last time you saw me – It is just that your not talking to me/ignoring me set off buttons for me – That, obviously, were not good ones. I would like to be your friend and that we can start from there - -

Zero expectations – Just call me on the phone even and we will talk – I remember before you moved out to B.C. How we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours. I hope that you find it in your heart to give me a 2^nd chance and we can just hang – and perhaps, even get to know the other person – in a good way.

Like I could tell you that tonight there is a BarBq at the University at the Gym and I would love to have you come with me to the BarBq – I am enclosing a pamphlet what is happening at the University this week – and I would be very proud to have my friend, Darin Christopher Jansen as my friend that I take to any of these items that are occurring at the University.

I would like you to feel comfortable, once again, to come around and hang – Come on – there must have been “something” about Char that drew you to B.C. Initially – I have not lost Char – she is just broken into 1000's of pieces right now - - and is slowly re-grouping.

You have seen me at my worst – I would very much like it if you chose to come around, hang out, or call me whenever – and learn about Char once again – As she regroups. Like I have done 6 hours of therapy this week – I nearly threw up literally during the sessions – I had to have a bucket by my feet... Literally.

I am writing to you because I do value you in my world Darin – I am just hurting so very badly from all of the past hurts that you got the vindictiveness/hatefulness etc etc that I could hurl at you with a vengeance and then some – Was there logic? Hardly – Perhaps – If I hurt him - - > he can't hurt me HAH So I hurt you over and over - -

I am hoping that you can hear my apology in this letter and that I am crying as I write this and I hope that the Darin that flew all across Canada to come and see Char “and help her” is still around – Because Char is open to Darin and his words and I won't be negative in any way – that I can promise you – I have been given tools to stop the negative reactions from my past hurts - -

Darin you and I started from the same base/Interlake and high school and hurts and whatnot – That we are so similar in so many ways – That I think that it is not something to toss away – I am wanting you to be my friend – Just that. We can grow together - This time. For example, To show you my art work – Hey want to hear something cool? I went to class the other day – Monday's at 8:30 a.m. Is a class/Art for me and we had to do an in-class assignment and it was a collage and we mass handed them in near the end of the class and the Professor went through them all and guess what? She picked mine as the “Best” example of the ideas she wanted expressed. Out of a pile of 35. I was surprised and “tickled pink”. Was random.

I did not hear your words while you were here – I so did not – I did not realize how very hurt I was because of the Fire. I thought I was fine. I also did not give you your space with regards to your loss of a marriage and did not give it the respect it deserved. For that I apologize. I just was so hurting and hurt that I could not hear your words – at all. Please accept this apology. If I could take all of my outbursts back I would. IF I could. All I can do is promise you in the future I will write to you a letter or communicate to you in a Positive way rather than a vindictive way, as I did in the past.

Please come and talk to me and tell me everything that you want to express my way. How I have hurt you – Obviously I have and you have hurt me – and we will communicate and begin Anew. As friends, I hope. I promise to sit and listen and NOT interrupt and listen. To all that you say and abide by what you would like Us to be.

Darin, you have a place to stay, always, here. I value you. I always saw a Spark in Darin. I believe the Darin that I met when 14 who walked up to me and asked for a kiss and hold the door open for me, always with that saucy grin. That Darin walked off of the Float plane and smiled at me. That sauciness was still there. You were so very proud of yourself. That day and I was so very scared for myself. I never gave you a chance. For that I apologize.

Please do call me or stop by the house or whatnot – Oh there is a baseball game (drop-in) slow pitch on the 19^th Sunday that I have signed up for – They are looking for players – Would you like to be part of it?

We could begin with small steps – talking on the phone or whatever you would like – but I think walking away completely (you from me) would be a loss/great loss for the both of us. I think that we were brought together for reasons beyond our control. I agree with your words that you said that you were here to help me and you saw the windows in my house. And you have the tattoo and the angels are on my wall etc etc

J.J. Misses you, he does. I hope you choose to have me as your friend. I am willing to have you talk to me and express all that you want to say to me. Everything and I will not interrupt. I promise. 2...... Me.

"This just plain stinks... 

and there's no point 

in pretending otherwise - - 

But here's the thing 

I want you to remember... 

You've got someone... 

On your side,

someone who cares

about you allot - - Me. 

I've got my heels dug in,

and I am standing firm, 

right here, ready to do 

whatever it takes 

to see you through 

the rough spots 

and watch you emerge 

stronger than ever - - 

I know that you will 

get through this 

in your own way, 

on your terms,

in your own time. 

But in the meantime - - 

I want you to be sure 

to lean on me - - 

because that is why 

I am here...

What Would You Do? Like Really? 

If you went to a place where your Ex was - 

And he walked right by you, obviously saw you, 

and he tightened his lips, stood there rightINfrontOFyou, 

and stared at you, 

as you gathered your thoughts and blurted, in a confused way, waiting for his usual smile, 

"Hey, how are you?" 

And stood there, you did, as he stomped away, silently? 

Slamming the door to exit the room, open and shut, 

so everyone in the same room, would turn and first glance at the slamming doors and then at you, 

as you stared at the very same doors, confused? 

Trying to stop the tears from cascading down your cheek? 

Wondering, if you are in a Twilght Episode and 

you have not received the up-dated script? 

A walk-on part you were promised, with lines and they were changed, without your knowledge? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

You thought this man was It? 

The One? 

The Flirt? 

Shared your bed, your home, your thoughts, your tears and woke up with him for a lazy Sunday or two?

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

I walked from the room, held my head high, as I exited, stage right... 

Only to crumble off-stage. 

Seeing that he was not doing that well? 

That other truths were no longer truths... 

Like hmmmmmmmm - 

Where he was living? 

Was a lie, compounded upon others? 

From a "friend" saying he did not know where he was or rather 

He had not seen "his" car of late - - 

As I crumbled outside, 

I looked around, 

seeing that it was, unbelievably, a beautiful blue sky and no clouds apparent - 

His car was not there - 

he was using his bike for transportation - 

??? 

Yet he had paid for 6 months insurance instead of paying me his share of his rent - 

Which ended the Us as a Live-in Couple... 

Yet last week - - 

He was at my doorstep - 

Shooting a needle and a crack pipe, neckNneck... 

I am watching him 

Kill himself 

Very slowly 

And I cry for him - 

And believed none of his words last week - 

He is what? 

Believing lies about me? 

He told me last week that he was sucking dick for crack hits 

I just stood there and shook, physically 

Nearly vomited, actually, 

as I thought 

This is the man I thought was wonderful? 

Where has Mr. Wonderful gone? 

Was he ever there? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

Would you seek him out to ask 

How are you? 

REALLY? 

Do you ever get a truth from a crack head? 

Do you? 

I died some more today 

As he walked away, 

not acknowledging me 

And I stood there and wondered 

What surreal movie script I had stepped into? 

Like Really? 

What would You Do? 

 

i will never understand why you felt that you had to lie that you were staying and living and sleeping with dave - and sucking his dick for drugs - - 

or any of your lies to me - - 

but i am glad that you called your sister... 

so there is hope for you ... she loves you... jojo does ... 

so good on ya that you called her
i just wish you and i could have maintained a friendship...
if you ever want to talk
250-

but i am glad that you have decided after a lifetime of hiding "in the closet" that you have came out ... 

finally... 

altho your man choice of dick is beyond me hahahaha dave? skinny dave?

obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder LMAO
i have heard that you and he are going to move in together... 

after the "mansion" living... 

guess you like his dick sucking eh?

oh that just sounds bitter beyond compare and that is so not how i am meaning it... at all... resignation or rather realization/further of truths
oh well - 

i wish you happiness... in your gay lifestyle... 

wow dave hahahaha who knew 

he obviously "knew" you were gay and struggling to come out from your first hello...
i sure did not get that vibe from the darin that walked off of the lil' harbour plane...

i just saw the smile that i remembered and the smile... 

and the jokes and whatnot...
i will miss you and what "could-have-been"

if 

a) you were not a crackhead 

b) you were not struggling with your sexuality/a lifetime struggle...
i will remember the darin that walked off the plane - 

i will remember the darin that cooked dinner for me on his birthday... 

and the laughter we did share ...
i will miss that darin... big time...
i always said that i loved you... naked... 

and that was the truth...
naked and straight/i am meaning without the drugs coursing through your veins... 

you are a beautiful person... inside i am meaning...
i can't believe the darin you have become - 

so without personal self-worth - - 

i wish you could see yourself as i see you - - 

you are - - just because - - 

someone worthy of my love - - no reason - - just because - -
i would love to have you back in my life - - in a heartbeat - - why? 

because i believe in you - - i do - - i am here for you

IF you ever choose to renounce your ADDICTION
and your bullshit lying - -

ahhhh but i want darin STRAIGHT not the dick-sucking darin - 

dammit - - 

mine was just a dream, eh?

your friend,
me
and
j.j.

TOP 10 SURVIVAL TIPS FOR LOVING AN ADDICTED PERSON 

ONE - COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH REALITY. 

Learning how to deal with reality is the most N.B. 1st step in "SURVIVING" when you love an addicted person. Altho it may seem easier to stay in the "FANTASY SPACE" where you can continue to believe that things are going to magically get better, there is no such magic. Things will not get better just because you wish they would.

Coming face-to-face w/reality means accepting that parts of your life may be out of control as a result of loving someone who is engaging in addictive behaviours. These addictions can include mind altering substances such as drugs, alcohol,... 

You may be feeling a constant, gnawing worry that you live w/every day. You may find yourself being asked for money often, & feeling guilty if you say no. Perhaps you are watching everything you say and do, in order to "keep peace" in your home & not make the addict angry. Or you may be asked to do favours for the addict on a consistent basis, & you may not know how-to say no.

Whatever your particular situation, is acceptance of what you are dealing w/in your life is the 1st survival tip for loving an addicted person. 

TWO - DISCOVER HOW-TO LOVE AN ADDICTED PERSON & STAY HEALTHY.

There are effective ways to deal w/the addicted person in your life, just as there are ways that are not only ineffective but can also be dangerous. Learning to distinguish between them can save you allot of time & can also produce much healthier results for you & your addicted loved one.

For eg., Learning how-to set & maintain appropriate boundaries is a v. N.B. skill. You may need to explore the reasons why you have a problem doing that, & then learn some assertiveness techniques that will help you say "YES" when you mean "YES" & "NO" when you mean "NO." 

Another way to keep yourself healthy while caring about an addicted person is to make sure you are looking after your own life & keeping a good balance w/such things as work or volunteering, supportive friendships, fitness & good nutrition, & time for the fun activities that you enjoy. 

Choose to practice the healthier ways of loving your addicted person.

THREE - YOU CANNOT CONTROL OR "FIX" ANOTHER PERSON, SO STOP TRYING!!! 

The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this. but that doesn't make it any less true. Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept & live by it, your life will become much easier. 

Cultivate your wisdom, so that you know the difference between what you can & can't change, & stop trying to control or "FIX" anyone other than yourself. 

FOUR - STOP BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON & BECOME WILLING TO LOOK AT YOURSELF. 

As easy & tempting for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles & suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since that is the only thing you can really do anything about.

Even tho the addict has undoubtedly contributed his/her share of the trouble, in some way you also have a part to play in what is going on. For eg., you might be keeping the "DRAMA" going on by lending money to your addicted loved one. Or perhaps you are always willing to be there, to listen when they tell you all about the problems they are encountering as consequences of the addictive behaviours.

These kind of actions on your part will not help your loved one in the long run. It is your responsibility to recognize and "OWN" your unhelpful behaviours, & to get professional help in doing this if necessary. 

Understanding why you choose to behave in unhealthy ways is the key to making a change. Become courageous enough to be willing to look at yourself.

FIVE - LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "HELPING" & "ENABLING". 

Just like most people, you might thing that you need to help your addicted loved one. You probably fear that if you don't provide help, he/she will end up in a worse predicament. When you try to "HELP" addicts by giving them money, allowing them to stay in your home, buying food for them on a regular basis, driving them places or going back on the healthy boundaries you have already set w/them, you are actually engaging in "RESCUING" behaviours that are not really helpful. Another term for this kind of unhealthy helping is "ENABLING". 

When you can be as truthful as possible w/yourself about your own enabling behaviours, you can begin to make different choices. This will lead to healthy changes in your addicted loved one as well. For eg., you might decide to tell the addict in your life that you will no longer listen to them complain about their lives. However, you can let them know that you are very willing to be there for them as soon as they are ready to work on resolving their problems.

Once you stop your enabling behaviours, you can then begin to truly help your loved one.

SIX - DO NOT GIVE IN TO MANIPULATION.

It has been said that the least favourite word for an addict to hear is "NO." When addicts are not ready to change, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest w/themselves. Some of these manipulations include lying, cheating, blaming, raging & guilt-tripping others, as well as becoming depressed or developing other kinds of emotional or physical illnesses. 

The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by the addict, the more manipulative the addict is likely to become. When you hold your ground & refuse to give into their unreasonable demands, they will eventually realize that they are not going to get their way. 

Saying "NO" is an N.B. 1st step towards change - - for you, as well as for the addict. 

SEVEN - ASK YOURSELF THE "MAGIC QUESTION". 

It is N.B. to understand that you might be just as "ADDICTED" to your enabling behaviours as the addict in your life is to his/her manipulations. 

In the same way that addicts use drugs, alcohol & other addictive behaviours to avoid dealing w/their shame about feeling unworthy & unlovable, you may be focusing on the addict's behaviour in order to avoid having to focus on living your own life. Your enabling behaviours toward the addict may be helping to keep you busy & to fill up your life so that you don't have to see how lonely & empty you are feeling inside. 

Ask yourself the question, "HOW WOULD MY LIFE BE BETTER IF I WAS NOT CONSUMED BY BEHAVIOURS THAT ENABLE MY LOVED ONE?" Allow yourself to answer honestly, & be aware of any feelings that come up. 

 Altho it may be scary to think about giving up behaviours that have formed your "COMFORT ZONE", it may be even more scary for you to think about continuing them. 

EIGHT - KNOW THAT "SELF-CARE" DOES NOT = "SELFISH". 

Too many people get these 2 ideas confused: They think that if they practice healthy self-care & put themselves 1st, they are being selfish. "SELFISHNESS" basically means that you want what you want when you want it, & you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That actually sounds more like the behaviour of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted & exhausted. 

"SELF-CARING" means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy & holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual needs are met. 

NINE - RE-BUILD YOUR OWN LIFE. 

The best way to come out of your own "ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOURS" such as enabling & people-pleasing, is to focus on your own life. If your life seems empty in any areas such as career, relationships or self-care, begin to rebuild your life by exploring the kinds of things that might fulfill you. Would you like to make a career change or go back to school? Perhaps you would like to develop different hobbies that would help you meet new people. 

Re-building your life so that you feel a greater sense of happiness & self-fulfillment is your most N.B. over-all responsibility - - ENJOY!!! 

TEN - DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE SITUATION IS REALLY BAD - - REACH OUT FOR HELP NOW!!! 

When those who love people w/any type of addictive behaviour finally reach out for help, they have usually been dealing w/their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see whether things would get better w/o professional help, please consider getting help NOW, before things become even more worse. 

If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so that you do not make the mistakes that could make things more difficult. 

The sooner you reach out for help, the better it is for everyone concerned.