i hope 1 day you read this - i really do not care when - as i write this i do not know where you are in any way - i just wanted to tell you that i wish that i could have a re-do - of the whole summer and be the girl/woman that u needed at the time... i was just so damaged and hurting (which i was not aware of at the time, really) i could just basically explain that i was like a war victim basically shell-shocked and in pain... internally and was really not ready for a hurting man to enter my life
i hope that you are taking care of you...
i miss your smile - when you smile, darin, you are the most beautiful person that i have ever seen/met... and i see the young man that captured my heart so very fully so many years ago
if you ever need a friend darin, i am always here for you, i am... j.j. is growing and is what i call my mini-shetland pony...
if you have met someone, i hope that you are happy...
if you have flown back to ontario... i am glad... i always thought that tracie was the "one" for you... you so very obviously, i thought, loved tracie...
but who am i to talk... i can't define love even if someone gave me a million to give a definition of love...
i just wanted to write to tell you that if you ever want to go for a walk and laugh at the insane size of j.j. -
also the room/yours is always available... for however long you need it ... free of course ...
oh i am sure that you have lost my number... it is the same believe it or not... 2-54
my news? i am now in hypno-therapy it is helping allot - did you know that the fire actually changed my brain chemistry? which is in its way literally physically changed my "outlook" and brain wave energy of my brain, itself? P.T.S.D. post traumatic stress disorder ... nuts...
i am doing great at school/university (i have zero distractions so of course i am i.e. no social life whatsoever) no ja------- in my world hahahahaha to disrupt
well you are always welcome in my world, darin, check in whenever you want... i am always here for you, IF you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, to say hi or laugh with... the one thing i enjoyed was talking to you... you have a beautiful voice, me thinks... and smile...
i wanted to get closer to you and demanded it to be MY way and only my way sorry about that... hopefully we can be friends again one day...
char and j.j. and p.k.

September 2010

Dear Darin -

I am hoping that you read this letter from me to you -

I am writing to tell you that I am sorry, to the Infinity level of Sorry's. How I treated you. I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance. For us to be friends once again.

I miss your smile – I do. I miss you, I do.

First off, I did not write a letter to your work. I would own up to it if I did. But I never did.

I am writing to ask for a 2^nd chance, yes. Can we go for a walk and a talk? Zero expectations beyond the walk and the talk and I will say to you, in person, how Very sorry I am for how I treated you? So very horribly. In so many ways.

I do not want to lose you “in” my life. Just Friends and hang and do things. With zero expectations beyond the hanging out in that very moment.

What have I been doing? Well I have received the moneys from my claim and I thought Hmmmmmm – A new car but instead I invested in therapy sessions for the next 6 months – Unbelievable. Me. So far I have learnt that I am experiencing P.T.S.D. Which stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So of course I was “out there” with you and everyone else that I have known - - and tossed them away. That is “normal” of the Disorder.

I want to sincerely apologize to you for screaming at you the last time you saw me – It is just that your not talking to me/ignoring me set off buttons for me – That, obviously, were not good ones. I would like to be your friend and that we can start from there - -

Zero expectations – Just call me on the phone even and we will talk – I remember before you moved out to B.C. How we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours. I hope that you find it in your heart to give me a 2^nd chance and we can just hang – and perhaps, even get to know the other person – in a good way.

Like I could tell you that tonight there is a BarBq at the University at the Gym and I would love to have you come with me to the BarBq – I am enclosing a pamphlet what is happening at the University this week – and I would be very proud to have my friend, Darin Christopher Jansen as my friend that I take to any of these items that are occurring at the University.

I would like you to feel comfortable, once again, to come around and hang – Come on – there must have been “something” about Char that drew you to B.C. Initially – I have not lost Char – she is just broken into 1000's of pieces right now - - and is slowly re-grouping.

You have seen me at my worst – I would very much like it if you chose to come around, hang out, or call me whenever – and learn about Char once again – As she regroups. Like I have done 6 hours of therapy this week – I nearly threw up literally during the sessions – I had to have a bucket by my feet... Literally.

I am writing to you because I do value you in my world Darin – I am just hurting so very badly from all of the past hurts that you got the vindictiveness/hatefulness etc etc that I could hurl at you with a vengeance and then some – Was there logic? Hardly – Perhaps – If I hurt him - - > he can't hurt me HAH So I hurt you over and over - -

I am hoping that you can hear my apology in this letter and that I am crying as I write this and I hope that the Darin that flew all across Canada to come and see Char “and help her” is still around – Because Char is open to Darin and his words and I won't be negative in any way – that I can promise you – I have been given tools to stop the negative reactions from my past hurts - -

Darin you and I started from the same base/Interlake and high school and hurts and whatnot – That we are so similar in so many ways – That I think that it is not something to toss away – I am wanting you to be my friend – Just that. We can grow together - This time. For example, To show you my art work – Hey want to hear something cool? I went to class the other day – Monday's at 8:30 a.m. Is a class/Art for me and we had to do an in-class assignment and it was a collage and we mass handed them in near the end of the class and the Professor went through them all and guess what? She picked mine as the “Best” example of the ideas she wanted expressed. Out of a pile of 35. I was surprised and “tickled pink”. Was random.

I did not hear your words while you were here – I so did not – I did not realize how very hurt I was because of the Fire. I thought I was fine. I also did not give you your space with regards to your loss of a marriage and did not give it the respect it deserved. For that I apologize. I just was so hurting and hurt that I could not hear your words – at all. Please accept this apology. If I could take all of my outbursts back I would. IF I could. All I can do is promise you in the future I will write to you a letter or communicate to you in a Positive way rather than a vindictive way, as I did in the past.

Please come and talk to me and tell me everything that you want to express my way. How I have hurt you – Obviously I have and you have hurt me – and we will communicate and begin Anew. As friends, I hope. I promise to sit and listen and NOT interrupt and listen. To all that you say and abide by what you would like Us to be.

Darin, you have a place to stay, always, here. I value you. I always saw a Spark in Darin. I believe the Darin that I met when 14 who walked up to me and asked for a kiss and hold the door open for me, always with that saucy grin. That Darin walked off of the Float plane and smiled at me. That sauciness was still there. You were so very proud of yourself. That day and I was so very scared for myself. I never gave you a chance. For that I apologize.

Please do call me or stop by the house or whatnot – Oh there is a baseball game (drop-in) slow pitch on the 19^th Sunday that I have signed up for – They are looking for players – Would you like to be part of it?

We could begin with small steps – talking on the phone or whatever you would like – but I think walking away completely (you from me) would be a loss/great loss for the both of us. I think that we were brought together for reasons beyond our control. I agree with your words that you said that you were here to help me and you saw the windows in my house. And you have the tattoo and the angels are on my wall etc etc

J.J. Misses you, he does. I hope you choose to have me as your friend. I am willing to have you talk to me and express all that you want to say to me. Everything and I will not interrupt. I promise. 2...... Me.

"This just plain stinks... 

and there's no point 

in pretending otherwise - - 

But here's the thing 

I want you to remember... 

You've got someone... 

On your side,

someone who cares

about you allot - - Me. 

I've got my heels dug in,

and I am standing firm, 

right here, ready to do 

whatever it takes 

to see you through 

the rough spots 

and watch you emerge 

stronger than ever - - 

I know that you will 

get through this 

in your own way, 

on your terms,

in your own time. 

But in the meantime - - 

I want you to be sure 

to lean on me - - 

because that is why 

I am here...

What Would You Do? Like Really? 

If you went to a place where your Ex was - 

And he walked right by you, obviously saw you, 

and he tightened his lips, stood there rightINfrontOFyou, 

and stared at you, 

as you gathered your thoughts and blurted, in a confused way, waiting for his usual smile, 

"Hey, how are you?" 

And stood there, you did, as he stomped away, silently? 

Slamming the door to exit the room, open and shut, 

so everyone in the same room, would turn and first glance at the slamming doors and then at you, 

as you stared at the very same doors, confused? 

Trying to stop the tears from cascading down your cheek? 

Wondering, if you are in a Twilght Episode and 

you have not received the up-dated script? 

A walk-on part you were promised, with lines and they were changed, without your knowledge? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

You thought this man was It? 

The One? 

The Flirt? 

Shared your bed, your home, your thoughts, your tears and woke up with him for a lazy Sunday or two?

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

I walked from the room, held my head high, as I exited, stage right... 

Only to crumble off-stage. 

Seeing that he was not doing that well? 

That other truths were no longer truths... 

Like hmmmmmmmm - 

Where he was living? 

Was a lie, compounded upon others? 

From a "friend" saying he did not know where he was or rather 

He had not seen "his" car of late - - 

As I crumbled outside, 

I looked around, 

seeing that it was, unbelievably, a beautiful blue sky and no clouds apparent - 

His car was not there - 

he was using his bike for transportation - 

??? 

Yet he had paid for 6 months insurance instead of paying me his share of his rent - 

Which ended the Us as a Live-in Couple... 

Yet last week - - 

He was at my doorstep - 

Shooting a needle and a crack pipe, neckNneck... 

I am watching him 

Kill himself 

Very slowly 

And I cry for him - 

And believed none of his words last week - 

He is what? 

Believing lies about me? 

He told me last week that he was sucking dick for crack hits 

I just stood there and shook, physically 

Nearly vomited, actually, 

as I thought 

This is the man I thought was wonderful? 

Where has Mr. Wonderful gone? 

Was he ever there? 

What would you do? 

Like Really? 

Would you seek him out to ask 

How are you? 

REALLY? 

Do you ever get a truth from a crack head? 

Do you? 

I died some more today 

As he walked away, 

not acknowledging me 

And I stood there and wondered 

What surreal movie script I had stepped into? 

Like Really? 

What would You Do? 

 

i will never understand why you felt that you had to lie that you were staying and living and sleeping with dave - and sucking his dick for drugs - - 

or any of your lies to me - - 

but i am glad that you called your sister... 

so there is hope for you ... she loves you... jojo does ... 

so good on ya that you called her
i just wish you and i could have maintained a friendship...
if you ever want to talk
250-

but i am glad that you have decided after a lifetime of hiding "in the closet" that you have came out ... 

finally... 

altho your man choice of dick is beyond me hahahaha dave? skinny dave?

obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder LMAO
i have heard that you and he are going to move in together... 

after the "mansion" living... 

guess you like his dick sucking eh?

oh that just sounds bitter beyond compare and that is so not how i am meaning it... at all... resignation or rather realization/further of truths
oh well - 

i wish you happiness... in your gay lifestyle... 

wow dave hahahaha who knew 

he obviously "knew" you were gay and struggling to come out from your first hello...
i sure did not get that vibe from the darin that walked off of the lil' harbour plane...

i just saw the smile that i remembered and the smile... 

and the jokes and whatnot...
i will miss you and what "could-have-been"

if 

a) you were not a crackhead 

b) you were not struggling with your sexuality/a lifetime struggle...
i will remember the darin that walked off the plane - 

i will remember the darin that cooked dinner for me on his birthday... 

and the laughter we did share ...
i will miss that darin... big time...
i always said that i loved you... naked... 

and that was the truth...
naked and straight/i am meaning without the drugs coursing through your veins... 

you are a beautiful person... inside i am meaning...
i can't believe the darin you have become - 

so without personal self-worth - - 

i wish you could see yourself as i see you - - 

you are - - just because - - 

someone worthy of my love - - no reason - - just because - -
i would love to have you back in my life - - in a heartbeat - - why? 

because i believe in you - - i do - - i am here for you

IF you ever choose to renounce your ADDICTION
and your bullshit lying - -

ahhhh but i want darin STRAIGHT not the dick-sucking darin - 

dammit - - 

mine was just a dream, eh?

your friend,
me
and
j.j.

TOP 10 SURVIVAL TIPS FOR LOVING AN ADDICTED PERSON 

ONE - COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH REALITY. 

Learning how to deal with reality is the most N.B. 1st step in "SURVIVING" when you love an addicted person. Altho it may seem easier to stay in the "FANTASY SPACE" where you can continue to believe that things are going to magically get better, there is no such magic. Things will not get better just because you wish they would.

Coming face-to-face w/reality means accepting that parts of your life may be out of control as a result of loving someone who is engaging in addictive behaviours. These addictions can include mind altering substances such as drugs, alcohol,... 

You may be feeling a constant, gnawing worry that you live w/every day. You may find yourself being asked for money often, & feeling guilty if you say no. Perhaps you are watching everything you say and do, in order to "keep peace" in your home & not make the addict angry. Or you may be asked to do favours for the addict on a consistent basis, & you may not know how-to say no.

Whatever your particular situation, is acceptance of what you are dealing w/in your life is the 1st survival tip for loving an addicted person. 

TWO - DISCOVER HOW-TO LOVE AN ADDICTED PERSON & STAY HEALTHY.

There are effective ways to deal w/the addicted person in your life, just as there are ways that are not only ineffective but can also be dangerous. Learning to distinguish between them can save you allot of time & can also produce much healthier results for you & your addicted loved one.

For eg., Learning how-to set & maintain appropriate boundaries is a v. N.B. skill. You may need to explore the reasons why you have a problem doing that, & then learn some assertiveness techniques that will help you say "YES" when you mean "YES" & "NO" when you mean "NO." 

Another way to keep yourself healthy while caring about an addicted person is to make sure you are looking after your own life & keeping a good balance w/such things as work or volunteering, supportive friendships, fitness & good nutrition, & time for the fun activities that you enjoy. 

Choose to practice the healthier ways of loving your addicted person.

THREE - YOU CANNOT CONTROL OR "FIX" ANOTHER PERSON, SO STOP TRYING!!! 

The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this. but that doesn't make it any less true. Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept & live by it, your life will become much easier. 

Cultivate your wisdom, so that you know the difference between what you can & can't change, & stop trying to control or "FIX" anyone other than yourself. 

FOUR - STOP BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON & BECOME WILLING TO LOOK AT YOURSELF. 

As easy & tempting for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles & suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since that is the only thing you can really do anything about.

Even tho the addict has undoubtedly contributed his/her share of the trouble, in some way you also have a part to play in what is going on. For eg., you might be keeping the "DRAMA" going on by lending money to your addicted loved one. Or perhaps you are always willing to be there, to listen when they tell you all about the problems they are encountering as consequences of the addictive behaviours.

These kind of actions on your part will not help your loved one in the long run. It is your responsibility to recognize and "OWN" your unhelpful behaviours, & to get professional help in doing this if necessary. 

Understanding why you choose to behave in unhealthy ways is the key to making a change. Become courageous enough to be willing to look at yourself.

FIVE - LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "HELPING" & "ENABLING". 

Just like most people, you might thing that you need to help your addicted loved one. You probably fear that if you don't provide help, he/she will end up in a worse predicament. When you try to "HELP" addicts by giving them money, allowing them to stay in your home, buying food for them on a regular basis, driving them places or going back on the healthy boundaries you have already set w/them, you are actually engaging in "RESCUING" behaviours that are not really helpful. Another term for this kind of unhealthy helping is "ENABLING". 

When you can be as truthful as possible w/yourself about your own enabling behaviours, you can begin to make different choices. This will lead to healthy changes in your addicted loved one as well. For eg., you might decide to tell the addict in your life that you will no longer listen to them complain about their lives. However, you can let them know that you are very willing to be there for them as soon as they are ready to work on resolving their problems.

Once you stop your enabling behaviours, you can then begin to truly help your loved one.

SIX - DO NOT GIVE IN TO MANIPULATION.

It has been said that the least favourite word for an addict to hear is "NO." When addicts are not ready to change, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest w/themselves. Some of these manipulations include lying, cheating, blaming, raging & guilt-tripping others, as well as becoming depressed or developing other kinds of emotional or physical illnesses. 

The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by the addict, the more manipulative the addict is likely to become. When you hold your ground & refuse to give into their unreasonable demands, they will eventually realize that they are not going to get their way. 

Saying "NO" is an N.B. 1st step towards change - - for you, as well as for the addict. 

SEVEN - ASK YOURSELF THE "MAGIC QUESTION". 

It is N.B. to understand that you might be just as "ADDICTED" to your enabling behaviours as the addict in your life is to his/her manipulations. 

In the same way that addicts use drugs, alcohol & other addictive behaviours to avoid dealing w/their shame about feeling unworthy & unlovable, you may be focusing on the addict's behaviour in order to avoid having to focus on living your own life. Your enabling behaviours toward the addict may be helping to keep you busy & to fill up your life so that you don't have to see how lonely & empty you are feeling inside. 

Ask yourself the question, "HOW WOULD MY LIFE BE BETTER IF I WAS NOT CONSUMED BY BEHAVIOURS THAT ENABLE MY LOVED ONE?" Allow yourself to answer honestly, & be aware of any feelings that come up. 

 Altho it may be scary to think about giving up behaviours that have formed your "COMFORT ZONE", it may be even more scary for you to think about continuing them. 

EIGHT - KNOW THAT "SELF-CARE" DOES NOT = "SELFISH". 

Too many people get these 2 ideas confused: They think that if they practice healthy self-care & put themselves 1st, they are being selfish. "SELFISHNESS" basically means that you want what you want when you want it, & you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That actually sounds more like the behaviour of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted & exhausted. 

"SELF-CARING" means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy & holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual needs are met. 

NINE - RE-BUILD YOUR OWN LIFE. 

The best way to come out of your own "ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOURS" such as enabling & people-pleasing, is to focus on your own life. If your life seems empty in any areas such as career, relationships or self-care, begin to rebuild your life by exploring the kinds of things that might fulfill you. Would you like to make a career change or go back to school? Perhaps you would like to develop different hobbies that would help you meet new people. 

Re-building your life so that you feel a greater sense of happiness & self-fulfillment is your most N.B. over-all responsibility - - ENJOY!!! 

TEN - DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE SITUATION IS REALLY BAD - - REACH OUT FOR HELP NOW!!! 

When those who love people w/any type of addictive behaviour finally reach out for help, they have usually been dealing w/their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see whether things would get better w/o professional help, please consider getting help NOW, before things become even more worse. 

If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so that you do not make the mistakes that could make things more difficult. 

The sooner you reach out for help, the better it is for everyone concerned.  

 

Donkey 

I washed your laundry 

That being your sheets today -

Accepting that it is over ... 

Finito 

Done 

I cried last night 

After you left my driveway 

After you shot up in my driveway and took a hit 

and 

Admitted you were sucking a man's dick for your next hit 

I can't believe you still own your car 

Ahhhh 

But you need a roof over your head 

Oh sorry for the sarcasm 

Or is that my being True? 

Truthful? 

Facing your Reality? 

I gave you me 

My love, my heart, 

I touched you and smiled and believed 

You were never there with me, were you? 

I let you move in with your first hello 

Via an email 

You knew you had a roof over your head 

As time went on I learnt 

Of your coldness 

That you had never worked for 16 years 

Instead labeled as a Sociopath - 

Unable to work. 

Yet you grabbed a job in my town 

Hah - 

Your co-worker is your pusher/drug dealer and he is one that you suck of a dick 

I am Done. 

To love an Addict

Is to choose 

Death

Very 

Slowly 

I instead 

Choose my Solo Tomorrow 

Of which you have but few 

But - 

If you choose to walk away from that life 

I am Here for you 

As I do love you 

But 

Clean 

Not the man, the monster, 

You showed me taking the hit and shooting the needle. 

I died inside, my heart crumbled 

I hurt 

But I had to send you away 

Because of that pain. 

Clean up - Walk away from that Life 

and you choose Love - 

Mine 

And a life of whole-ness 

Skiing, schooling, scuba diving - 

Exploring the Island 

Unlimited 

Way beyond a crack pipe and a Needle. 

I miss you as I smell the cologne still on your sheets and I load them 

and 

Yes 

I cry 

For the Us 

That never 

Was. 

-charann 

Dear Darin -

I am writing to you this letter because I care – and it is time for me to talk to you Straight, no more bullshit – Can you talk to me, and give me no more bullshit/semi-truths/half-truths? Like I am living in my car – Come on … We both know you are not. Or you get paid today and you can't even go to Victoria, on Sunday? Addiction/yours is stopping you from experiencing the Paradise – your Chance to have a clean life – To explore Vancouver Island, scuba dive, camp, get a Degree, have someone cheer you on as you progress your studies, and a puppy that adores you, goes berserk when you are near? Instead you are choosing what? A crack-pipe?

Do you think I am stupid? Completely Insane? I am very aware that you are an Addict – I thought of “Just” Weed But, and please, it is about time that you are honest with me - You are a, as they call it on the street – a Crackhead.

Darin -

The first ten days that we spent together – When you were CLEAN - I did not understand your statement at the time; “I love this that I am in a town that I do not know all of the drug dealers.” How long was it before you knew all of the drug dealers of Nanaimo?

I am not criticizing you or putting you down – Do not internalize it that way AT ALL – My truth where Darin Christopher Jansen is – Is that I think that you are a wonderful, caring, outstanding human being, that, like me, has lost one's self-worth along the way. Through Life's harsh realities. I am here for you, the IMMEDIATE moment that you can walk up to me and say, “Charlene, I am an Addict and I would like to finally walk away from that lifestyle.” Forever.

Do you remember the moment when you walked into my house and you looked around and it felt like “you were meant to be here” Perhaps the reason was not to help ME but for the two of us to HELP each other get straight and work our demons out together? Remove our Demons once and for all?

The things that we have the same are too numerous to just part ways, I think. And I know in my hearts of hearts, that when you are near me, I feel all warm and fuzzy – You do not have to do anything Just Be. When you genuinely smile at me – or laugh or when you were clean/the first ten days you were here – and we talked and laughed that, for me, was golden. We went to the beach, we went to Colliery Dam and we got a puppy – Or even like your tattoo of the angels and the angels on the wall. The front doorway – You had a dream of before you were here, you stated.

I think that you were meant to be here yes – But not to help me – But to help yourself as well – To get clean once and for all – Because you were given someone – Me and J.J. - basically a chance at love and I know that I could grow from this chance at you coming to Vancouver Island into something significant – BIG – and lasting – Be it love of a friendship, a fantastic friendship or a courtship – I do not have that answer -

All I know is this, from my side of things – and I am being honest here – is that I care about you and always have – How else could I have for what? Forever-like - - Wondered about you? My biggest regret is that I never stood up in that classroom and stopped you that day – I remember the day you carried the “Double-barrel shotgun” into W.C.I. That day. Like it happened but moments ago – Mr. Shadlock stopped me as I was just as rowdy as you in a classroom – And I had begun to pick up my notebook, to follow you – Because your energy was huge and I knew that I wanted to either partake of it – Or stop what was going down.

Well I am here once again in your life Darin – and I am stepping up to the plate and telling you that I CARE FOR YOU ALLOT. I believe that you have potential – You said once that you never saw yourself as a person that could take secondary/University education – Darin you have been given the chance. Within walking distance!!!! Have you even called the University to do the test to by-pass the G.E.D.? I am here for you – To help you through the loops and hold your hand – Seeking treatment and going to school/University – everything will be new and scary and whatnot – But I am here for you – To be Your friend – The truest friend ever – Because I truly care for You.

I am writing to tell you this – If you ever decide to get clean - - completely CLEAN – go into a treatment program – I am here for you – I have never been a heavy duty drug user/abuser so I do not understand it's pulling you back so fast once again – BUT if you ever decide to grab life once again – and become clean – 100% (nothing less) and seek a program to aid you – you are at the perfect place to seek help – Salvation Army has many, many treatment programs.

I am not renting out YOUR room – When you seek treatment, and need somewhere afterwards/during or whatnot (I do not know IF it is a day program or you stay there or whatnot – Never been to one, myself) The room is there for you -

Darin, there is Nothing that you can or could ever tell me and I would walk away – I just could not stand the lies that you were telling me. Re – Why your cash was ALL GONE. Car expenses? Or whatever the lie/half-truth was of the day? Come on, it is Crack and you are an Addict. Be straight with me and I am 100% here for you – These lies – Like you get a check today – 100's of dollars and you can't even take me out to dinner? Or do something “fun” that friends do? Like a movie?

The night, that I enjoyed with you was New York Pizza night – You were funny and, I believe that night clean. You were making jokes and smiling – Were you clean that night?

When you want to sit down with me and tell me anything – But truthfully – Or want to say, “Yes Char/Bird, I am an addict but I want to grab this chance to change my life – Forever – from this point forward – I don't want to lose you and yes, I have been using here, in Nanaimo, for (((this amount of time))) … But I want to seek treatment and I do not want to lose you, your friendship.

Darin – Hold this true – I CARE FOR YOU – I just don't like the irresponsible/addict that you have been presenting to me. You gave Crack and are continuing to your LIFE – Darin have you lost completely that you are a Wonderful person? That you are beautiful? I want to just sit beside you and show you that – Take you dancing and giggling and whatnot CLEANLY – We shared a dance one night and you said that you could dance – AT ALL – and I thought? What? The two of us together – Fit together so very fine? Do you remember how much NATURAL rhythm you have? When we did dance together? How effortlessly we glided around the room? Do you remember? I do.

Darin, I am writing to fight for the What could be - - of Us. Whatever it Can Be. But I can't take the Addict Darin. You have to come clean – of the drugs, with me/straight talk 100% and I will walk with you Proudly from that day forward.

Anything less I am not interested in. The Darin who is a User? Who has 100's of dollars and can't go to a Movie/Dinner/anything the very same night – Not interested in.

You have been given a hand of Aces and you are throwing it away. Or whatever the best hand is of Poker (I am so not a player can you tell LOL) Or the Perfect hand and you are basically looking at it, not believing your luck and shutting down and going for the bluff.

You and I are so similar – To not toss away – But I desire the Clean/100% Darin – If it is not today – this day – that you choose – Is it called sobriety? Or what? No longer a Junkee? Know this – I am NOT renting out your room – I, and J.J. - are here for you and always will be – Forever – I am not walking away from you Darin Christopher Jansen – I cared for you IMMEDIATELY at your first smile my way – And I will always forever care for you – I am Yours – To just be “with” you as you start a WHOLE NEW LIFE – CLEAN.

I think that is why you were given to meet up with Charlene Ann “Hofer” once again – The shorty you remembered HAH The one with spunk – Well her Spunk is back and she is shaking her finger up at you and saying, “Hey Jansen, don't let this second chance at Me slip through your fingers.” You know that I care and I think that is what scares you – We shared many laughs while you were leaving in this house – Hey how many females got you to cook dinner for them ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? Hmmmmm – This saucy lass and she is back and fighting for her Hero to return – Because I KNOW that that dude is in there – and is scared as hell – to partake of life without the grab of crack.

If that is the grab – the euphoria – or however you described it one night I asked you why you did it – Then you are missing out on Life – scuba-diving, driving around Vancouver Island/surfing Long Beach, camping under the stars – the list is limitless – With two creatures that adore you JUST FOR BEING YOU that's it – You do not have to be anything – Other than clean and honest – I can handle ANYTHING THAT YOU share with me. I shared with you my dark truths – Yes. And you handled them. Truth up, start talking Darin – I am here – For You.

Darin – I understand coming from a childhood of abuse – extreme and it's scarring, long-term effects – I also believe that you and I are the other's Ying and Yang. We have too many similarities of life's beginning and life's road/journey – I remember and always remember the Darin/young so full of promise and smiles and flirtatiousness – Your self-worth took such abuse – as did Mine. But many moments we shared, while you were in this house – of closeness – And I believe that scared you – It never scared me – My Wonderful Darin had returned at last! You just have to be and I am happy. But CLEAN. Bye bye DRUG/CRACK. 100%

I want to take this time to say that I think that you are a beautiful person Inside as well – I saw it several times in the first ten days we were together – Then you began using again – I believe. You can be straight with me Darin – I can handle your Truths – All of them. I just walked away/from the Darin – the Negative/Self-loathing Darin – the one that spent all his cash on Crack – Did not have cash for groceries/rent or to experience life's joys of Vancouver Island. You have been given Paradise – God/the angels have stepped in and said this,

“Hey Darin, did you know that there is a woman that thinks that you are Wonderful – She lives on this Island – there is kayaking there, scuba-diving, surfing, numerous things to explore – She is there for you to be her best friend and grow from that – Ahhh the downside is she is broken too, but together the two of you fit together like a puzzle of pieces – Intricately but true. . But there is a catch, you have to be Clean with this woman as her heart, for you is Pure. The feelings she has for you are of that of the young girl, you impressed so very long ago. Don't blow it by Using.”

I can't watch you continue to use. And the half-truths. The day you want to be a True Human being and Clean – I am here for You. With open arms, laughter and your room is here. Without the boundaries of room-mates – Because we will be Friends/True who share a whole house – NOT room-mates and you are but a Room – We are the whole space – Own it – Revel in it – And be. Room-mates was just a fucked up label you grabbed onto so you did not experience a friendship/true blooming right before your eyes – Of a female that 100% cares for you.

A clean Darin? I am here for you – An honest/100% Darin, I am here for you. The day that you choose – whether it be today – this day or 3 Sundays from now or whatnot – I am here for you – But the Darin you are giving me currently – No thanks. You hurt my heart that cares for you “Just because” whenever you give me half-truths – or Reasons why for whatever question I ask of you and I know it that you are not giving me a Truth – Come on, my SPARK you liked so much is back and I am giving it to you with both barrels “straight from the hip” Like come on, do you think I believe your BULLSHIT? I know you are an Addict and I am your Solution of a whole new life/world/experiences CLEAN -

Your Tracie sure wasn't it – She was an addict too – If you were to tell me – I am sure that is the Truth right? That is her Grab, right? I am not that – Nor will I ever will be – But I can promise you this – You choose to be Clean and seek treatment Darin? I am Yours and I will never, ever again walk away from you ever again. I am here for you forever.

Don't lose me Darin. You have a Special Person/Friend/Me that you have been given. A 2^nd chance at Me. Oh sure I am broken around the edges as well. But together we fit together pretty damn well, don't you think?

Sit down and think about this question – You care about this Charlene, yes? She grabbed your attention from the very first hello on facebook yes? You knew that it would not be boring, yes? Both strong-willed people? That it would be a roller-coaster of a life, 2 people with shared histories, ADHD (one's controlled, one's not) and what you did not know, at the time is that she was going to show you that Friendship included giggles in the night, walking together “just because” and holding hands, hugs and that not all touching was sexual – (((YOU PERCEPTION WAS ALWAYS SEXUAL))) that a hug is a hug is a hug - - a touch is a touch, a caress is a caress and that you needed to re-learn laughter, and LIFE – and to RELAX and enjoy the moment -

Seek to be CLEAN, tell my that you are an Addict and all that, your dark truths and your room, J.J. And I are here for you. Or you can choose to waste your life away and experience just the next hit. And that's it. Or you can experience PARADISE you have been given. A 2^nd chance.

You knew, at 15 years of age, it was a cheeky lass you were wanting to kiss. And I knew I did not want to be anything less than significant in your life Darin. Okay this is my letter to you – I am no longer arriving at your work – You seek me out from here on out – 250-591-5342 – or you are more than welcome to stop by – Visit – but you have to begin to share TRUTHFULLY when talking with me – Yes you have to, for the first time in your life, begin to remove the walls you have bombarded yourself with. It is going to be scary as hell. I have shared all of my dark secrets with you and you are still standing. I am a strong-willed woman – I am your Equal and then some – I am fire to your Water – the Ying to your Yang.

So baby-steps? Sure. But TRUTH only Darin. Half-statements like for example I have “something” to do tonight or “I will call you tonight” when you have zero intention of doing so because the Crack-pipe is calling louder. BULLSHIT. I am calling BULLSHIT and loudly.

Let's begin again and honestly on your part. Anything less – Not interested.

The beautiful, carefree, teasing, wanting to EXPLORE life, grab it with both hands, soft Darin is still there – I saw that sparkle when you walked off the plane and you pointed at me and you were so very proud of yourself for Showing Char Up.

Yes you are not like anyone else. Nor am I like anyone else you have ever met. Don't lose me.

I am not going to come to your work anymore. I am giving you your space. Keep this letter – I have it saved on my computer if you ever lose it – I also have posted it online onto my journal if you ever want to read it again - But I strongly felt that I had to write this letter – To let you know I was very aware you are Using. Like come on. I am not a Stupid person. At all. I just did not know the symptoms of an Addict. Through research, communication with others that know you, and they told me your life story - - I now know what an addict is – You are an Addict.

You can enter a shared world/together/no longer alone world and experience life. Or you can waste your life with those that you are choosing currently. Drunks/druggies and making 8$/hour or whatever FOREVER – Is their life going to change anytime soon? Me? I am going to school, shortly (You could too!!! YOU KNOW THAT G.E.D. Is easily bypassed) etc etc. I am here for you. But as a Clean person. I am going to school/Secondary, I am working on me and I will always hope that Darin misses me too. Because I miss you, the CLEAN Darin dearly.

You have your space – I've said my piece. Always long-winded but you will sit down and read this – Because I know this – Darin Christopher Jansen is a smart man – just lost his way along the way.

Will we reconnect again? I do not have that answer.

If you die an addict – I will cry elsewhere. Or you can grab life and a true friend who wrote to you today.

Hugs,

Charlene and J.J. And P.K. And your Home/House (not your fucking room only) misses you.

RE - DARIN JANSEN

RCMP INCIDENT FILE NUMBER - 2010 - 21075
CONSTABLE CODDINGTON 
RE - DARIN JANSEN

RCMP INCIDENT FILE NUMBER - 2010 - 21075
CONSTABLE CODDINGTON 

RE - DARIN JANSEN

RCMP INCIDENT FILE NUMBER - 2010 - 21075
CONSTABLE CODDINGTON 

RE - DARIN JANSEN

RCMP INCIDENT FILE NUMBER - 2010 - 21075
CONSTABLE CODDINGTON 


RE - DARIN JANSEN

RCMP INCIDENT FILE NUMBER - 2010 - 21075
CONSTABLE CODDINGTON 

Mr. Darin Christopher Jansen 

Darin - 

I miss you 

 I will miss you, I will. The Darin I first met was beautiful beyond compare. 

Open, carefree, everything new. 

When you would like to talk this thru, & explain the lies (yours) I am here for you. 

Or just hang, without your coldness/walls so thick. 

Just walking away

"into the dead of the night" is just so uncool. 

Very uncool infact. 

I did not know where you were, how much I care for you, was obviously not something you deemed worthy of your respect at this time, with a phone call saying you are okay and yes, 

goodbye. 

I am your friend, I am. Being used as a stepping stone, hurts. 

When you can treat me with respect, no yelling/talking down to me - - NO LIES - - and as a friend true - - I am here for you. 

You never once came thru with your promises or plans. I will look back at this with my head held high. I cared, treated you with respect and adored you. 

You are so broken Darin. I hope you find your smile once again. I miss it. 

When you smile, the young Darin shines thru. I hope you find it again and shine it my way once again. 

Good luck, 

ME.

Yes I will miss you and what we could have been IF you had not come out with an agenda 

ME = STEPPING STONE 

and not a friend, ever. 

I am your friend Darin. I am always here for you when you need me and want to start TRUE. 

Daring to remove the wall of bricks you have surrounded yourself with. 

I miss the Darin that - - 

Who cooked pancakes

The Darin who cooked dinner 4 me on HIS birthday

Who loved my chocolate strawberries, 

walked along Departure Bay Beach... 

Was my Friend. 

I miss my Friend Darin Christopher Jansen. 

Don't call, email or drop by. Letters are fine. 

You could get a post office box address (an idea?) if you desire a reply. 

Or your work address. 

This is too fresh for me/hurts too much for more of a direct contact. 

Please respect that. 

Don't worry I won't be near you. Your work or Dave or Celine's. 

What I have perfected in life, is walking away, when I am hurting. 

I gave you all of me. With wide open arms. 

When you need someone in your corner who cares, think of me. 

Stay safe. 

Take care of you, you are precious, you are. 

If you get sick/if that was the truth, I will be there for you and hold you. 

I love listening to you TALK. 

I miss the talking Darin Most. 

Me.