http://youtu.be/Kkws30uPBuU

there has always been a recurring night dream throughout my adult life... 

that i turn 50 and i am walking down the aisle in white 

and the man waiting for me 

is someone from my past... 

youth... 

i was told when i was 18 and about to fly away from my hometown 

into my forever life 

that i would not marry until my 50th birthday for the first time 

from a gypsy card reader 

in a tent at the red river ex 

i just laughed at her 

so full of me 

and my adventure of leavin' my smallllllll small town at last 

like the next week 

to begin my REAL life... 

and now 

hmmmmm 

i still seem to remember her words 

and her stare as she glanced up at me 

as i giggled 

thinkin' at 18 how far away 50 seemed 

like what the .... 

did this "old" woman really know? 

yet i have had this re-occurring dream that i was walkin' down the aisle 

towards someone of my youth... 

yet the dream ends when i get to the end of the aisle and he is dressed in cowboy boots, denim and of course, the tighest of jeans, 

and all i see is his smile and the dream ends... 

so i never see "his" face... 

but i have always believed that someone from my youth is to return... 

and get this lass to say 

yes 

at last 

... 

it is someone that knew me best 

and truest 

and still 

"loved" 

me to return and ask me for my hand... 

i have lavenders in my hand and flowers in my hair and the greatest of smiles 

and my laughter rings over the small crowd as we get it over and done with 

with the ocean nearby... 

i can hear the waves crashing 

as i step up 

and say 

i do 

-charann

http://youtu.be/Y_38_gRKHfg

Dedicated to my favourite RedHead... 

He knows who he is... 

He seems to want to contact me of late... 

Via MyLife 

Of which I am not a member... 

Call me if you like Red 

250-591-5342 

or email 

chargirl90210@yahoo.ca 

Always 

HAPPY 

to hear from you... 

Char...

I am Depressed 

I spend 16 hours of every day Sleeping... 

I am basically agoraphobic - I think that is the right word? 

When you stay in your home almost 24/7... 

Or hide from the world? 

I look in the mirror and only see Ugly or rather 

Ugliness - 

As I write this I am listening to Ladies in Lavender 

I just went online to my library page and went randomly picking 100's of CD's 

Of which ones I "like" I will download onto my Ipod... 

I spend my days crying and despising myself... 

I can not flush this sadness from my heart - 

It just seems to impact me HUGELY 

ever since my fire - 

January 28th, 2010 

Look it up Stewart Avenue Fire, Nanaimo it made it onto Youtube 

Hilarious in a macabre way when your "life" crumbles and it makes it onto the #1 viewed video to LAFF at on Youtube... 

I try to meet people and it lasts like a month or long-term friends (the few I have) 

shun me - - 

My father of the last 20 years was just verbal abuse and hatred spewed my way 

His parting words? 

"You are a fat, ugly, lazy whore." 

So I became every word and then some. 

Well ... 

I watched Oprah today - 

Which is wierd because I NEVER do... 

What does a person of poverty, depression, overweight have in-touch or rather 

in common with multi-billionairess Oprah? 

Like really? 

Well I am going to be no longer the victim. 

I have a roof over my head. 

I have 4 animals that love me. 

2 dwarf bunnies... Cocoa and Puff 

P.K. which is my Pretty Kitty 

and Ava Longoria my beloved bulldog who has brought laughter back into my life. 

I am looking at myself and walking away from the 

Victim personality that people of negativity seem to love to stomp on 

I reached out to someone to "help" him and he stole from me, beat me and now I have learnt that he is one town over and doing his crack nightly that he is a "Night Cracker" obviously sleeps all day 

Well I have looked online and researched depression and what aids it... 

Exercise so I have fixed up my bike and as it is summer I am saying goodbye to my car and getting around only on my bike... 

And supposedly good vibes burst forth when one rides 

When I remember my "beautiful" strong self I was an avid cyclist 

Strong, free and always pushing forward - 

Then the darkness of depression found me 

Why do you hate me Dr. Earl Daniel Sieffert? Why? 

I have never understood your reasons? 

Everything you did towards me was pushed forth via only of hatred... 

Always 

Let me name a few things - - 

You are my father, biological 

Yet when I moved here to meet you - 

Your "welcoming" words were as I walked into your home were 

"Just because I am your father, I do not owe you anything." 

If I was of a stronger person, I would have kept my single suitcase and kept on walking 

elsewhere... 

I fell in love at 19 and you told him he was not good enough for me and did that with every man thereinafter... 

Where did you want me to be? 

In this cocoon of depression that I now find myself? 

Why do I give you so much power? 

Time to toss it away... 

I am sure that you do not spend one moment of your days, 

wondering how your daughter, one, biological is doing at all... 

My best friend Felicity went to your home just blocks away from my house perishing 

and told you, your daughter may be dying... See that smoke over there? Your daughter may be dying in that fire... 

You gave her/Felicity 30 seconds to remove herself from your property or you would call the cops... 

Wow 

Fatherly love 

Not. 

I showed you my loves - - my creations of art and as we drove to see one of my pieces you just grumbled about not being able to find a parking spot... the whole time... 

I watch you with everyone else on this planet as you shower them with your praise, smiles, laughter and yes helpfulness mainly being money as you are well off so very well off financially 

Yet I set in a one room shack in darkness and cry 

Well I have a roof over my head, 

my legs work, I can pedal my darkness away, 

I have reached out to my mother - - I have not seen her physically yet - 

But she no longer hangs up on me when I call - - 

My brother is not my friend yet, 

I do not have that many friends - 

I do not know really how to "make" friends 

I know how to throw them away tho 

The last "friend" I tried to make - 

She screamed at me for not saying good bye correctly - 

I found that strange and wished her well. 

Much more to the story of course, but that's it in a nutshell - - 

I have a treadmill and a bike and a gym membership 

and I am going to "try" 

to find that girl that I was when young 

Who joined the Army and excelled 

Who moved to B.C. from Mb. and fell in love for the first time... 

By the way... 

David James Rayner IF you are still single or miss me 

Like I miss you, every day of every moment, 

please give me another chance 

CharleneAnn misses you 

Big Time. 

I am going to find the strength inside 

Of the girl that moved to new cities 

Solo and with just her animals and found adventures 

thereinafter... 

I am finishing my degree 

B.F.A. 

2 courses/a time... 

Due to finances... Lack of... 

And going to finish that damn Bachelors ONE DAY!!! 

Perhaps it will just be me and my bulldog walking down the aisle as I accept my Degree - 

But it will be with a **SMILE** 

Knowing that I **did** it 

I am not the 

Fat 

Ugly 

Lazy 

Whore 

My Biological Father 

Earl Daniel Sieffert 

Was he your Dentist? 

Well let me tell you about him as a Father 

He kicked me out of my trailer - 

I was not doing anything bad 

Yet he took me to court 

Oh don't get me started 

Just 1 hurt after another - 

Ouch 

I am going to look 

FORWARD 

F

O

R

W

A

R

D 

from hereonin 

Is that a word LOL 

I look around and see the mess of my home environment and no wonder no one comes by 

It is Gross 

Well 

You 

my 

NEW 

yet unknown friend are welcome 

into my sparkling clean home 

Just give me an hour!!!! 

**giggle** 

And would you like to join me at the gym tonight? 

Elliptical machine is calling my name and swimming... 

Me thinks. 

I have just been wallowing into who was not calling me and why 

Who hated me now and why. 

Rather than looking out at the world with love. 

I have my health... 

I can cycle, smile and create art and smile... 

I have all my teeth... 

Hair, 

vision... 

and... 

a 

big 

HEART 

that has been broken 

once too many times... 

but hey... that's life... 

who wants to join me cycling 

tomorrow? 

As I finish this typing with my eyes closed I have changed the CD to 

STAND BY ME 

-charann 

understand

birth close balance pamper safe

gentle like make happy remedy 

relief beneath sustain did between 

better warm trust present here 

breath through less never gratitude

-charann 

 

possible

encourage doctor grow truth only

then challenge touch has mind 

above suffer chaos remember profound 

tear meditate have night doubt 

pray dream transform serenity believe

- kelly-anne 

Dearest Darin 

I thought of you today as I went to the Awards Ceremony for Zachary 

Do you remember him? 

Do you remember me? 

Do you think of us? 

At all? 

I think of you at odd times and wonder if you ever really felt anything at all for me? 

Or it was just you "using" me 

To "get" to the West Coast 

And that was it? 

Were you not aware that I was very aware of every one of your lies 

Which was basically every word out of your mouth 

I wish that we would have had a moment or a day or three 

To sit down and have time to talk 

For our what? 

Good-byes? 

Healing time? 

I hope that you are well. 

I hope that what I heard is true. 

That you finally sought Detox. 

That you are currently in a 1/2 way house, healing. 

If you would ever like to sit down and finally, give me your truth(s) 

I would give you that. 

If only you are truthful, 100% 

I sat with Felicity today I had not talked with her for like 4 months 

She said that she remembered you at the Award Ceremony 

That she had seen you last summer. walking down Haliburton with a wash-up old woman 

I cannot even begin to guess who that would have been 

Your connection? 

Which made me laugh as she told me this 

As I would have been wondering where you were those days and wondering why you never visited me 

Was she your connection for your what? Crack? Direct cocaine? Speed? Pills/pharmaceutical? 

Or you would rather be with her, simply, than me? 

Felicity said that I basically just tried too hard where you were concerned. 

I said, I would never regret that I tried. 

With you. 

I just regret how it turned out 

in the end. 

I was here for you - to wrap my arms around you and tell you how awesome you were. 

Yet you sought the streets instead. 

I hope that you are well, Darin. 

Would I sit down and talk with you again? 

Only if you were truthful with me 

At last. 

I was the most truthful 

with you 

Than ever before 

with anyone else. 

I miss you, 

I cared for you

I gave you 

Me 

as the best way that I knew how. 

Do we have a tomorrow? 

I do not know. 

My telephone number has not changed 

250 

591 

5342 

Give me a shout if you like 

If you can be 

truthful 

and talk true

to me 

I can handle your truths 

It were your lies 

I fought with. 

With such passion. 

-charann

Darin J. 

I remember the moments 

before you were to arrive 

The weeks before 

Exactly one year to today 

When we were talking about you moving to B.C. from Ontario 

and all of my excitement 

Would I have said Yes if I were to know how fast it would explode into such 

chaos? 

I am not sure 

Like today I do not know if you are alive or dead or in Manitoba or back to Ontario or 

whatnot 

Wow 

what a year it was 

-charann

Today 

Was the kind-of day where I just sat and wondered 

Why? 

I write to someone and once again he ignores my messages and I wonder why 

I write? 

So I write to him and state 

I get it, I do 

I wanted to communicate with you more 

You state that you do not converse in such ways with anyone 

Yet others gush so 

So I write a good bye of sorts 

Another 

asks me strange questions and makes comments in a public place 

of which I wonder why? 

How has my world come to this? 

Really? 

Where should I go from this point? 

Unsure, really 

I don't understand the reactions I get from others 

So I am going to retreat and gather love from 4 legged creatures and smile 

thru art and creation 

I need time to heal and re-evaluate who really is important to

me

look out world 

this weekend is one of creation for me

-charann 

Somedays... 

U just want to crawl back into bed and stay there... 

Today was one of those days... 

I wish that next month was over... 

The court case done... 

I removed the last of the items that reminded me of you... 

From my home... 

I can still remember standing and waiting for the plane to land and being so excited about seeing you once again

How fast it disintegrated 

into a true nothing-ness 

Leaving me to always wonder if you were ever really here? 

In any way shape or form? 

I try to make friends 

and they ask me strange questions... 

Making me think about just staying in bed 

forever 

like 
yes? 

-charann 

**AHA**
I woke up this morning in Vancouver, B.C. Canada
and jumped into a bubble bath
And I must say that a white bathroom with huge mirrors staring at you
Does not give one much lies
OMG
Is that me?
If Judy Blume were to write a book about me it would be
Blubber - The Whale Part II
So I looked at myself and looked for positives
Hard to when you've suffered from a dark cloud of depression for so long
But it was like a voice was saying inside my head
Competing with my sensations of panic attacks
Of driving tonight to find somewhere I have never been to before
Where is the girl/woman that moved solo to Vancouver
and rode on day passes
just to see her new beloved city?
Instead I have become a cowering obese oman hiding under her covers
right now
scared out of her mind to have to find a location
she has never been to before?
How have I become that woman?
I am removing the darkness of the cape of depression today
as I just called the front desk and asked if the hotel has an exercise room 
it does 
Today is the first day of my life 
Others have walked away from the closeting, dark room of depression 
I am going to do that as well and will stride forth in my city of today 
Vancouver and take photos 
I am so not the person described by my father as the 
Fat Lazy Whore 
Fuck you DRUNK biological Father 
I am a great many things 
I am shedding your hate of me 
Be gone 
Your words of me have or rather is no longer carried by me 
FUCK YOU 
YOU ARE SO NOT WORTHY OF MY CARRYING ANYMORE
I stand on my 5th floor balcony
and welcome the world
today
For the first time in a long time
I have always taken on the
Woe is Me
persona
Well that is begone today as well
That I must be the person the other is describing
That I must warrant the abuse they are tossing my way allot
I am strong
I am a newborn
Today

Path 

An close how beauty heart 

listen gratitude courage gentle remedy 

truth encourage tear mend night 

medicine dream doubt profound believe 

transform remember have eternity aware

-charann  

My Poems that I found Today... 

Life 

Give choice some value

better of touch before disease

every transform possible by body

that joy in whole journey

nourish voice off... 

laugh strong!

A.M. 

Me heart-strong, body peace

My treatment nourish journey there 

from life can transform at...

courage close when challenge gratitude

My... 

Serenity me meditate peace then 

surrender remedy give profound play 

every friend pure positive 

live energy balance between transformation 

you ask good through bad 

***

I spent the day today... 

Going through all of my papers... sorting through the chaos, trying to find a particular piece of documentation... 

Have not found it yet 

dammit... 

I found a poem I wrote ... 

I entitled it "The Poem I Wrote Today" 

((which obviously I had not))

 Is it okay if I call you mine? 

Just for a time? 

I have become aware that you just hear, like me, the negatives that  emit from both of our lips, 

And the positives and praise disappear on the wind

If I ask of you is it alright

For you to hold me, just for a few minutes - - 

During these current rainy days? 

Is it alright? 

I enjoy being with you, 

I really do not ask much more. 

What I am really trying to say is that this is all new 

And I want to learn about you. 

Taking just one day at a time - 

I will be here for you 

I will be just fine, being in your life, as well. 

I would like to lie beside you and listen to you, speak, breathe and just be. 

I want to grow with you, as friends, and share laughter, 

yes even tears... 

I want to learn your truths of yesterday, as your today. 

I can't wait to see your next smile and even callin' me Bird as I grin at you, my very favourite Donkey

I am reminded of you, everytime that I glance down at my puppy 

and I thank you 

for you being you 

and coming back...

-charann 

Hello

I went rock picking today

Along the beach and thought 

Oh wow it's been a year 

and what a year it's been 

How are you? 

I hope that you are well, I do 

I opened my home and my heart to you and I remember that last year this time 

I was so very excited about you entering my world 

and in such a short time 

you were like a short-lit fuse of dynamite

Now? 

Court is our date... 

BnE 

what a delight

You stole from me 

You made me cry 

All in a year 

Are you clean now? 

Are you back with Tracey? 

I hope so. 

I never thought you should have left your 

"life" 

I do not know where you are 

How you are... 

if you are clean, 

actually did detox 

or back with mommy 

I wish none of any of it went down 

but you seemed to live to push my 

buttons 

and push push push 

I was not through healing 

my own inner hurts and you pushed yours into my world 

i did not know how to understand 

the use of crack 

a pipe i found 

lies i was given 

why 

i hope that you are well 

that the rumours i have heard are true 

that you did seek detox 

and are currently clean 

the man you showed me 

was a disaster 

gross even 

i did not have the tools to cope with 

you 

at all 

the next time we are to connect 

is a court-date 

insane 

at our age 

i wanted to be something or rather someone 

special 

for you 

instead 

all of this went down 

i am still in shock 

do you ever think of me? 

or was i really just a stepping stone to get to b.c.? 

let's get through the court-date 

i expect you to push it further down the line 

and 

that you are hoping that i will drop it completely 

no what you did that night was something you must answer for 

of all the things i said did and done to you 

i don't know if that final night warranted it 

really 

do you hate me now? 

is that your reasoning? 

i don't hate you 

i look at you and will always see the handsome young man 

i found 

that found me 

and called me beautiful and pretty and worthy of one of your kisses 

and the gentleman that would hold doors open for me 

and always smile my way 

i know he is there somewhere 

one day perhaps we could sit down and talk and your coldness 

wall 

facade 

perhaps you can be honest with me 

i still wonder if you have decided which sexuality is your side of the fence? 

i have hundreds of questions 

i do 

perhaps a walk along the beach one day? 

you have my number and my address i am sure 

or write a letter and let me know 

anonymously 

how you are doing 

use my nickname 

and sign it with yours 

**ME** 

I thought of you today as I walked along the beach and remembered that it was just a year ago abouts 

that i was so excited... 

remember your birthday last year? 

fresh fish from the ocean depths and chocolate strawberries dipped fondue 

and smiles and hugs and me telling you 

i was happy "my" dude was in my world at last

shakespeare says it is better to have loved and lost 

hmmmmmmmmmm... 

on that one...