July 2008

Dear Dad,

I am writing this to you – After not having seen you for like Forever. It was my Choice. You hurt me. Bad. Big time.

What made me think of you tonight is... I watched the movie/DVD Freedom Writers. And something just went Eureka for me. With the Movie. I initially bought the DVD because it had Patrick Dempsey in it and in my eyes, he is Very easy on the eyes.

But one statement in the Movie “jumped” out at me.

One girl makes a toast in the movie. Her statement was, “I am no longer going to accept abuse in any form to my person.”

Wow.

I was tolerant of abuse to my person. My whole Life. I “accepted” it. Why? I have value as a person. I do. Yet everyone in my life, I valued, were very ready to tell me how very little value I had. To them.

You hurt me Dad.

Yet you have chosen to hide. Disappear and not “deal” with it.

The difference between you and I is this. I valued you for JUST BEING my Dad. You did not have to “be” anything. You were My Dad and everything else was golden. You were golden. My Daddy and I was/am proud of you. I love you unconditionally. You don't have to be Anything at all. Beyond being my Dad. I will love you forever and ever. And that will never change. You are MY DAD.

Yet, you made me feel that I was never good enough. Or you treated me with disrespect. From the get-go. We have NEVER had a sit down talk together. You choose to never validate my Hurts where you are concerned. You hurt me when you walked out and never wanted to spend time with me, growing up.

And it continued when I moved out here. Do you, WERE YOU, ever aware how very EXCITED and HAPPY I was? When you asked me to move out here AND BE WITH YOU? I had my Daddy back and he was welcoming me INTO his home.

Edith/Sam world was Hell.

Life with you was more of the same. To be “validated” by Dan Sieffert I had to be So many things. I had to marry who you LIKED. ((BULLSHIT)) Dad, I am, and forever will be IN LOVE with Dave Rayner. I would be with him again, and forever in a heartbeat. Yet he has gone underground. I have tried to find him with Private Detectives but Dave knows how to “go to ground” Hence me being Single.

You have hurt Me over the years. I have felt like I have been in competition with Chelsea. That she “wins” your love because she has fit into your Check Marks of Life. She graduated from College, and married a guy YOU LIKED and did all the things you APPROVED of.

I am Worthy of your TIME AND RESPECT. I am an Awesome Person. Do you know the DAUGHTER that you are missing out on?

I am going to address issues that you have hurt me - - Over the years.


You felt it was worthy of calling me a Fat Lazy Whore - - Where the FUCK did that come from? You NEVER had the balls to explain that to my satisfaction. Is that your TRUE opinion of me? WHY? What or how have I ever treated YOU that you felt it was worthy of coming to MY HOME DRUNK and being BELLIGERENT??? Is that how you treat people that you RESPECT and LOVE? That image of you is burnt into my soul Because you were my COMPOSITE of Men that I dated/loved and wanted to spend my life with. I, innocently, thought that ULTIMATELY Dan S LOVED Charlene Ann S. That it was just a given.

Another hurt that you did was when I first moved in. Dad, you are an alcoholic, and a drug abuser. You NEED weed. You choose WEED rather than spending time with your daughter. Which would you rather have? Weed or time with your ONLY blood daughter?

You chose to give MY GRANDMOTHER'S car to Chelsea. With some lameass statement that money was owing on it. BULLSHIT. You made sure that Grandma was sitting pretty financially.

When you do call me, it is to talk about Chelsea and how she is strapped for cash and that you “had to” help her out financially Yet I am on welfare and some days I go without food. No I am not asking you for cash (That is not the purpose of this letter) I am writing to you to see IF we have any sort of a relationship EVER AGAIN.

I love you. And that will never change. You ARE my Daddy. I am VERY PROUD when I stand beside you. I feel whole when I am near you. I have NEVER ever disrespected YOU directly. I have disrespected people in your environment that have disrespected me. Michelle and I also have to have an honest sitdown talk and I would love it if she would not get up in a huff and say she cannot deal with this. This being Me. I would like to get to know her. I am sure she must be Someone worthy to know because my Daddy married her.

As for you and I - - I am quite proud of my trailer. My First Home. Yet have you ever HAPPILY come visit here? No – Why? This is the Why I understand it - - Because you Hate my Dog. You disrespect him – Verbally abuse him and even physically abuse him whenever you come over. Why is that? I love my Dog. Can you not find it in yourself to honour that?

I demand respect for me. My world. My environment. My four-legged people. Can you step up to those standards? Which is like a Given from one to another? Being Family?

You have never made me Feel Welcome in Your Family Life. Why is that? I feel that it is because Michelle has decided that (and this was before the 2 of you were married) was that she was going to do her damn best to “replace” me WITH Chelsea. How many times have I heard from you that you had to quickly hide my photos of My Mom? Are you not allowed to have a History? Yet Michelle does? I have never understood that. I AM YOUR HISTORY. I AM YOUR FUTURE. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER AND I AM NOT GOING AWAY.

I have thought through the past year to make you “HAPPY” ultimately by Offing myself. Or changing my name. All names. But I am Damned Proud to be a S. Grandma and Uncle Parker both made me PROUD of the Surname of S. They made me WELCOME.

I am extending this to you - - IF you can step up to the plate and respect me - - Stop the putdowns, verbally, my way. You are welcome into my home.

Get over that Charlene is a Fuck up. You help others out - - Yet I am a Fuck Up - - Not even worthy of your time.


I have never told you this But when I walked into Edith's home in Warren to tell her that I was moving to B.C. To get to know my Father, these were her words; “You are making a Mistake Charlene. Why? Because the S's are a cold bunch. Cliquey is the right word. You will never find happiness with them.”

I sent her a Birthday card this year and told her she was right.

When I phoned Uncle John and told him about you calling me the Fat Lazy Whore? His words to me were, Well I think you should move out of the Trailer.

Where was I to go? The street?

Warmth just oozes from the S's. OOOOOOOZES.

Also, I have this question for you, What have you told ALL of the S's about me? Obviously ONLY negative. Because in all the homes I have had over the years, never once did they call me? Visit me in my homes? What did you tell them? I had to get on a ferry and visit at D. Bay Road - - I just always thought it was curious and very one-sided.

I would like to have a relationship with My Dad. But the respect has to be mutual.

You never had to “earn” or be something or someone for me to Love you Completely. Respect you Completely.

Are you aware of any of my Traits? Personality? Can you name 10 things about me? My likes? My dislikes? Doesn't it rot in your gut that you do not have a relationship with YOUR ONLY BLOOD DAUGHTER ON THIS PLANET?


I have your sense of humour. I have YOUR blue eyes. I have your nose. I have your short freaky legs.

Can you NOT look beyond my weight? Is that all you see when you look at me? If so, then I do not want you in my world. That is an issue you have to get over.

I suffer from Depression. Serotonin is low in my brain. I have to take Drugs to fix that. It levels me out.

I am a Human being that is Wonderful. Here are ten things that I immediately want you to know about me - - I made 2 AWESOME banners which hang prominently in Nanaimo. People love my Art efforts.

With my low income I give to the SPCA - - both my time and cash.

I am an avid gardener. Which flows into my home and garden.

Yes I will never be a Neat Freak. So I hire both a housecleaner and a vaccuum person, monthly.

I would love help financially at this time, to have Food in my Fridge - - I would love to have a Pantry full of food.

I love how I have decorated my home.

I would love to have a bright Sun room like you had at Departure Bay - - on my deck.

I love to renovate.

I live for art. In any form.

I am warm to my Friends.

I enjoy being on the Computer.

In my course, that I just took I got 100% - - Yet does that move me up in the Dan S evaluation? I doubt it. Where are you for my Graduation?

Why do you think you and I have disintergrated to this level? It was not for my lack of trying. I have always expressed that I wanted you in my world.

But if you can't love/respect/want to be with me, in my world, NO LONGER ABUSE ME VERBALLY we will never have a relationship.

I would like for you to sit down with me and verbally (you NOT being drunk or stoned - - which is both ways of disrespect towards me) I would like to hear your Issues towards me. And if Michelle, would like to be there, so be it. But I think that you and I should just sit down and I would like to listen.

Never have you ever made me feel loved or wanted. I have always felt that you “let me into your world” so the mini-world of N would think Dr. S was such a Great person taking in his daughter. Not because he desired too. Hence the throwing of cash towards me - - Never did you ever phone me and invite me over for the weekend - - Never did you and I spend time together - - extended periods of times? Why is/was that? I never had an answer for that in my brain.

Okay I am writing this to you in hopes that there is something to salvage. If I do not get a response to this, I will know forevermore that you, by not contacting me, have chosen not to. And I will no longer bother you. As I will take it that you have chosen, as Edith has before you, that Charlene is Dead to You. I can handle that. It's the Not-Knowing that I can't handle.

Respect? Talk, and all that. I welcome you - - Drunk and Verbal abuse. That Dan S I don't desire in my world ever again.

I love you Dad.

Charlene

I am going over this weekend to go and look at a VW Bug This gal will take cash increments on it So I am hoping that I will have a car once again.

Yeah your daughter is broke, but that is not forever. If you come by and get to know her, she is not all negativity and downer. I am really quite Fantastic.

) Gone on a blind date and married him/her.

(X) Skipped school
I did not do this UNTIL my 18th Birthday which was March 16th, so Grade 12. I can even remember who with; Craig Gallant. We went to a nearby Bar and he ordered 18 shooters each - - And said, SHOTGUN!!! So off we went. I remember the next class after lunch break was Art class with Mr. Tory Ceasar (His REAL name) and just buzzing, then English/Poetry with same teacher and buzzing some more. Then a free period, which I **think** I roamed the hallways, giggling incoherently, searching for My Romeo, Where for art thou Romeo/Craig LOL

( ) Watched someone die

(X) Been to Canada
Born & Raised

(X) Been to Mexico

( ) Been to Florida

(X) Been on a plane
First time was when I was like 2 years of age. As my Father was an accomplished Pilot. He will tell you about me climbing, or trying to climb into his lap, as loooooved My Daddy. And in his lil' plane, the landing gear was positioned in the middle between pilot and co-pilot Insanely stupid spot??? And somehow at what? 300? 500? Miles per hour? All of a sudden the tires are down? Well me flew like a football, as Daddy tried to stop us all from continue to plummet to our demise. HAH

And I wonder why I am still scared FLYING. Yep white knuckle flyer me. I think it's cuz I have ZERO control.

(X) Been lost - But it's an Adventure. You never know what's around the corner! Just like real Life:)

( ) Been on the opposite side of the country

( ) Gone to Washington , DC
I really DO NOT want to do this!

(X) Swam in the ocean
Given. I live on the West Coast of Canada. Ocean is like 2 blocks away. i.e. Within walking distance.

(X) Cried yourself to sleep

(X) Played cops and robbers

(X) Recently coloured with crayons

(X) Sang Karaoke
I love to do the song The Name Game and Improvise. I think I do wonderful LMAO Otherwise, if I had wayyyyy too many, I will ask some TRES CUTE fella to sing Summer Lovin' ((From Grease)) LOL

(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?

(X) Made prank phone calls
This was with my brother. When you had rotary phones. The one I remember is as stupid as can be. I got my brother to phone a KFC and ask (only if a girl answered) Do you have Breasts? She would say Yes - - Can you describe them to me? If she described the meat? He would say? No, what size? Please? Firm or soft? Usually by then the phone has been hung up in disguist. Okay it's funny when you are PRE-TEEN or STUPID or both LOL

(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
Only one person on this planet can make me do this. My cousin Cheryl-Lynn. Immediately. Upon her saying Hello. Hi. We never get to the next word. That is Our Hello. Laughing until lots of fluids come out of our nose or one of us pees our pants (okay that was always just me) or gets the hiccups (that would be her) which would cause me to convulse all over again.


() Caught a snowflake on your tongue

(X) Danced in the rain �
fun, fun, fun This is the West Coast LOL Rain Forest extreme.

() Written a letter to Santa Claus
I read too much as a Kid. Never was a believer.

() Been kissed under the mistletoe

(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
From various locations MMMMMMMMMMM, yes, indeed.

(X) Blown bubbles �
it has been a while

() Gone ice-skating

(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors
Once when I was about 16?

(X) Gone to the movies



1. Any nickname?
Too many to mention. As I love to "give" knicknames, I have been christened as well.

2. Mother's name:
Biological Mom; Edith, "Chosen" Mom: Jan ((Long story)) But then, isn't life???

3. Favourite drink?
Coffee licquers or strawberry margarettas.

4. Any Tattoo's?
One.

5. Body piercings?
Not at this time, but thinking about it...

6. How much do you love your job?
In school, currently.

7. Birthplace?
"Winterpeg"

8. Favourite vacation spot?
Mexico

9. Ever been to Africa ?
No.

10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner?
Of course.

11. Been on TV?
Yes, several times. And no, NOT America's Most Wanted hahahaha or Cops hahaha

12. Ever steal any traffic sign?
Yes. Slippery when Wet - - > That MUST be the Most stolen sign??? hahahaha A Chelsea Street sign for Chelsea belles (my step-sister)

13. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes

14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle?
2

15. Favourite salad dressing?
Oils or vinagearette.

17. Favourite number?
69 or 2469 hahahaha

18. Favourite movie?
Tons. But JAWS can watch that movie over and over AND still be scared.

19. Favourite holiday?
September long weekend. It always feels "like" the start of something new.

20. Favourite dessert?
Anything chocolate and with coffee. Or it's called SexInApAN mmmm Good.

21. Favourite food?
Mexican or Greek or my cooking LOL

22. Favourite day of the week?
Early Morning Sundays

23. Favourite brand of body wash?
Changes often.

24. Favourite toothpaste?
Baking Soda toothpastes.

25. Favourite smell?
Just after it rains, a man, Jovan Musk, Vanilla, coffee, food cooking... slowly... Okay I love the smells of life!!!

26. What do you do to relax?
Bubble bath, play on the computer, phone friends, write friends, art, walk my dog, travel, bike, email

27. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Neither as broke or as single.

28. How many siblings do you have?
One 1/2 brother (Same Mother, different Father), one step-sister (inherited her when Father remarried)

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!!!!!!

Well I am planning to sleep over at your place WITH Alan and "Let the Games Begin" HAHAHAHA

Warning Warning HAHAHAHAHA

2 of My Favourite Men in a House and MARK the ever pleasant host will supply... STRAWBERRY MARGARITTAS galore, yes?

Okay I have never asked you this - But in my mind, I have been with Mark a kazillion times (NOT drinking coffee) So that goes to the Question of IF you and I were to sleep in a bed? There would be ZERO reaction? For you? So I make a Char move Which Would probably be Chasing you around your bedroom until you lock yourself into the bathroom HAHAHAHAHA You'd have like zero reaction?

Okay now I KNOW you are laughing out loud at this email, as you read this, BUT... I have never "been" with an outNout Gay male before. Okay closest? A bi-sexual male and we were together on alternate (or as he called it "alternative" weekends LOL) I didn't care he was fun and cute and made me laugh and was my exact height. I met his man, and he met me. D'arcy What a joke. But ultimately my Alternate/Alternative weekends ended as he chose the D'arcy BLAH

But back to the Immediate question. I have zero knowledge in this. So forgive the stupidity of this question. So in my life's fantasy I've had 16 Mark babies. And Mark chooses GAY life UGH. I actually cried. BASTARD you So I can curl around you and make a totally stupid play and Mark does NOT react? So ZERO reaction to girl boobies? And "other" accessories? So I curl around you and begin to play and NOTHING? Okay I can hear the laughter from here AS I TYPE THIS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HATE YOU

hahahahahaha

Because I love you so.

I phoned one of my best friends out here and told her all about you. That I met you when I was four. There is a picture I have, that Mom/Edith had the DECENCY to send me. But remember the stairs at your house in Winnipeg? Well you and I are sitting on the bottom stair. Wait YOU are on the bottom stair and I am one stair up from you. You are in a VERY cute little suit and I am in a dress (So it MUST have been Sam and Edith's wedding day - - when else was Lil' Mark in a suit OR SHOULD I SAY CHARLENE IN A DRESS AND RIBBONS IN HER HAIR?) Can't RUN in a dress. At least not PROPERLY hahahaha One must RUN when near Mark J. hahahaha Well back to the photo. I am looking down at you intently - - And holding your hand, (VERY LIMP HOLD I MAY ADD - - > yours NOT MINE lol) And you are holding a piece of cake and staring soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo intently at that cake. The expression on your face says it all, When will this GIRL THING go away so I can eat my DAMN CAKE????????????

HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THAT PHOTO It says it all for the next 13 years of our life. HAHAHAHA I was not even aware you even had a brother HAH Or there were other male creatures in Tuelon hahahaha Oh one of those brothers tried to reach down my top once I nearly broke his nose. Then ran away then came back and said Okay I MIGHT kiss you IF you get me a KISS WITH MARK FIRST Might as well have 2 trying for the same goal hahahahahaha Obviously it never went so well. You probably kissed him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH K, boys? Was that their names? I would have guessed those 2 would have been boyfriends. But with each other They gave me the Creeps actually.

But back to the question at hand. Zero reaction? Or rather, YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH A GIRL? i.e. Full all of the fun? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh But then again I can flash my boobies at you and NOTHING? okay break my heart AGAIN hahahaha Be nice. But I really don't know the answer to this QUIT LAUGHING you are such a bastard hahahahahaha

So me in the middle, Mark and Allan (cuz Allan follows Char everywhere) He's my Faithful Love. Yeah back to the Biography' God Hates Me - - BAD. If I wasn't with Mark "cousin" I was with Allan REAL c, But he was chasing ME lol But I had my head and heart determined to be Mrs. J.

Okay when Jim and I broke up I was shattered and I "dated" a girl for 3 months. And when it escalated to further than a Kiss, I almost vomitted. And she was a hot lil' Miss. So I KNOW Me likes the Boy/Men on this planet. So back to my question - - Just men?

Although it would be a hoot to watch Allan ROFL Nooooooooooooooooooo, Noooooooooooooooo - Bad Charlene hahahaha Oh let's make the whole city of Winnipeg shake - Let's call Jim in a drunken call Hey Come be my 4th LMAO Yah get this Jim is training to become a correctional officer for the Jails Yeah Jim how far is he from Enjoying being the 4th??????????? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Poor forgotten Char LMAO 3 guys and Char drinking her Margarettas LOL

Yeah that would be the Video HAHAHAHAHA

But answer my questions AND QUIT LAFFIN' SO YOU CAN TYPE A REPLY

I've never asked you this EVER all this time. And I want to stay over and I want to see Marky In my mind you are blessed. Why? Because God Hates Me. . . BAD. hahahaha

16 kids. That's all I wanted hahahaha All tall and tanned and great runners hahahahahaha Could you imagine? What they would have been like? HAHAHAHAHA OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay now I am laffin hahahahahaha I would have wanted all boys. And my luck THEN the GAY gene would have come around anyways. So Gramma Char? Not bloody likely hahahaha

Okay but in all seriousness, I do want to stay at your place, I am sure Allan will be hanging around, he's never far away when Char is in town - Sort of our story, in reverse LOL

But the other reason, I am in Winnipeg is my Daughter is graduating. No I've never told anyone on Edith's side about her - I put her up for adoption when I was 20 ? 21? Thereabouts and her adoptive family said she is graduating in August. So I am going to go Witness. Watch. And no you are not welcome to come along. Because if you said Oh look she is short like you. I WOULD kill you. Because Baby-Daddy was a small guy, but a cute ass LOL And blonde curls and eyelashes and rode a bike LOL Everything I had never been with - - Ever before. But that did not work and I opted to adopt. I did not want a Welfare baby. So if you EVER repeat this to anyone I will deny, deny, deny. I christened her Jessica but that is not her adoptive name. She has my curly hair hahahaha His lips, and eye lashes and quite cute. ((No Jim was NOT the Daddy))

But no one will know. Not even Allan. Because he is a Talker when he Drinks. So don't at all want THE FAMILY to find out. Ever. So that is why I am ot telling you what Day I am arriving. As I will need a Day Downtime. Capeche?

Okay back to the scenerio of Char in the Middle and Mark on one side and Allan... So you are not even remotely aware of ME? **sigh** I know the answer to that. UGH.

Altho IF I could get a picture of the first time you kiss Allan that would be a keeper. Because Allan I can't see being the Aggressor. Wait. I've never thought it thru really LOLOLOLOL I've always been the aggressive one where Mark J. was concerned hahahahaha I can't even begin to think what your MOVES are like OMG HAHAHAH I have always just been the one on top The one kissing, the one touching THE ONE BEING DOMINANT I have never thought of What the hell is Mark Like? HAHAHAHAHA

I would gladly videotape OMG that would be a tape to keep in MY HOUSE hahahahaha

Okay too much weed hahahahaha

Guess cuz to me Winnipeg IS my 2 favourite Men in the world. You AND Allan to bring you 2 together would be freaking hilarious hahahaha Whatever occurred or not. HAHAHAHAH

I can't see Allan saying Yes to you kissing him HAHAHAHAHA Do you say yes? ROFL Sheeeeeeeeeeesh I've been with 2 men and Me twice but they were NOT gay and I got allot of attention so me wuz happy hahahahah Ohhhhhhhhhhhh one guy was my fantasy for like 2 years so to have him say okay Was like WHAT? With???? ME? OMFG Yeah right So when I leaned forward to kiss him I was ready for him to say PSYCH lololololol And the other guy to say something equally assinine hahahaha And the other time? Was a drunken blur ROFL And happened so quickly that it was like it did not occur. Okay they were young and quick to the draw LMAO Hence the ONE time hahahahaha

Okay aren't you glad I finally burst forth with all of this? Okay answer me. If you don't I will fly there SOONER than August hahahahah

Charlene

HEY SEND ME SOME PICTURES OF YOU

I have one that I have enlarged of you IN MY BEDROOM hahahahaha It's you in a jean jacket (open) no shirt and cute as can be and the Mark smile. It's very noticeable in my bedroom and everyone (like there are SO many INTO my bedroom OMFG not) asks WHO IS THAT? My cousin. Ummmmmmmmm, he has no shirt on. Yeah we were close growing up.

Yeah IF I REALLY told them the TRUTH

SIGH

GOD HATES ME

BAD

hahahahaha

okay I am putting this into my blog LMAO I have a blog online, do you? I would love to read YOURS hahahahaha Get into Mark's MIND rather than his pants would be a new THOUGHT/IDEA for me hahahahaha

Oh yeah I never knew an ED you are such a bad liar LMAO Last name?

Is he your age? Did he walk like a Cowboy? Like bull-legged? Okay DON'T go there hahahaha You are such an idiot. He knew me but I was never with anyone but Jim and one other guy in High School Jim got all the aggressiveness that you turned away HAHAHAHA Poor dude did not know what hit him LMAO Or why HAHAHAHA Nothing like unrepressed lust or is it unexpressed lust? Wait no I told you enough times.

Man I can remember those weekends hahaha

Me: Hi Tracey - - IsMarkHERE?

Tracey: Yeah he's over - - -

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Wow that girl could fly hahahaha

Okay I've missed you Love you lots, send me lots of Mark photos.

Oh you told me once that you flashed a girl ONCE in a hot tub I just want to tell you how many times that has festered in my brain. Hence this email. HAHAHAHA

I know you dated Girls in High School and took one to prom, right? Did you kiss her? Them? Whatever LOL So you've never got NAKED and down and sweaty with a girl? So I curl around you and NOTHING?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay that deserves another joint to be rolled hahahahaha My mind can't comprehend Mark not making the babies hahahahaha

Love you forever and ever,

Charlene

Well I just thought that I would Contine This Journey of Mine...:">

I am going to treat this as a Just Write about Me...

With the Goal of that Someone Male, will read this and Think - - > Hey this Girl Rocks and I **MUST** Meet Her!!!!

I am very honest with my Goal here That I would like to meet someone that... Yes, "rocks" my world, in his own special way...

Could that be you?

Read on and decide....

It hit me today, one of the quirky things that I missed about being "In" a relationship... As in my 20's I lived with a Very Delightful man named James Curtis Baldwin, D.O.B. November 17th, 1962 I believe??? And that I originally met him in High School. Actually he was my First "Everything" First deep soul wrenching Kiss... First concert together; David Bowie "Glass Spider Tour", First Car Date... First parking...

Let's see? (We were together my Whole High School years, I think? Wait maybe not, Grade 11?

First time parking? He had a Mission. We would always meet at the Country dances (he never picked me up, as my Parents UTTERLY detested him) and so I would ride TO the dances with my bestest buds of Chrissy and Cathy Hill (twins) and sooooooooo much Drunken fun. LOL

Then I would "ride" home with Jim (Dances ended at 1, we would leave before 12 LOL) I never left with anyone else - - Until Grade 11 ((Jim's choice of breaking up)) He would drive until he found "The Spot" Then we would jump into the backseat Him first, always, and then he would reach for me, saying some lame ass thing Like Boy is it sure Cold back HERE. LOL I would land literally on his lap hahahaha

Jim introduced me to Sex. But he was Soft and gentle and talked me thru it all. Always asking first, if it felt good. To a Virgin? EVERYTHING feels good.

Did we talk? Ever? I doubt it. I do know that I told him I loved him thousands of times. Or that I loved This or Him or it all. He was the first to touch my nipples. Other than my own exploratory times in front of the mirror. Looking at the "new" Nipples. Not with the same Interest he had, doing the same thing HAHAHAHA

He lifted my skirt and inserted his finger, while he kissed me and moaned my name. And forever more, that move would "get" me IN the mood. Together, never separately. LOL Finger, moaning, kissing. Oh yeah.

He introduced me to blow jobs - - I loved the tastes of him, the smells of him, the way he let me explore every square inch of his body. Remember, this was all shockingly new to me. It was just me and my brother growing up and never did the two of us ever explore or see each other indecently. Oh wow, NO. So I was just ecstatic as Jim let me play, touch and talk to him and ask him if he liked when I trailed my lips down his chest... Did he like me to nibble anywhere? And everywhere?

Each weekend date was the same - - But we never met every weekend I never knew "when" I would see him as I was younger than Jim by 5 years so when I was 14 he was 19. Okay that sounds very wrong LMAOOOOOO But we were necking and touching and exploring and never had intercourse until I was driving so that became 2 years of VERY heavy petting.

But wow - -

How did I digress to that? Yes - - I miss the Touching of Living together. Or the doing of chores together. I find as a Single person that Cleaning SUCKS. When Jim and I lived together, the magic words were Hey I will .... For You IF you help me .... And I don't remember Jim ever saying no As his choice was usually SEX for the barter HAHAHAHAHA

So yes, I moved in with Jim after High School and No. It did not last.

Last I knew, he got married to a Hag hahahahaha Can't recall hr name. He has 2 kids; one of each and he says that the boy looks slightly like him. Too bad, cuz Daddy HOT hahaha Around the ears he said. Ears? I can't remember his Ears but I do remember his Hands.

Hands turn me on.... Strange thng to have turn one on But certain way Thumbs are formed, do indeed, turn me on. Like a big First Thumb knuckle. Okay I'm making Zero sense now.

I remember the playfulness Jim made washing linens. Bedding. It became an erotic, dance everytime... Do you want this sheet? Rip it off of my big red cock LOL And I would say Hmmmmmm, Do I need that particular sheet? Or should I use another? And the games would begin... Making the bed, long forgotten, lovemaking taking its place.

First time room-mates/lovers is the best time.

But I want that Excitement again, of knowing someone is there.

For me, with me, Because of Me.

Why did it not work out with Jim? This Love of My Life? Do 1st loves ever work out? The odds are against, you, yes? Mainly because I always had the "feeling" that he was "looking over my shoulder" for something "better/smarter" Just better than Me. That I was not His "One" Ugh. And the secondary reason is/was he was bound and determined to move back to Manitoba and I love the West Coast of Canada. Manitoba was BADDDDDDDDD memories only for me. BAD, yes, with a capitol B.

I am looking for someone that cocks his head and "watches" me walk towards him, everytime I arrive home. Is that too much to ask? Like he had been Waiting for Me. To return. The excitement is There. Constant. Of Us. Beginning Anew - - again when I return.

Okay Love is Complicated for Me.

Of what I am searching for.

Did this entry help at all: LOL

CharleneAnn

Hey Ron - -

Steph told me she wrote to you - Explaining my life of late Great eh? LOL

Basically my relationship with my Father so I have told him to go far away LOL Fast like hahahaha

So I am coming over to the Cloverdale Rodeo I want to see Loverboy ((yeah yeah showing my age HAH)) And the fireworks of course

Hey would love to see you there... Or you could be a Dear and give me a Ride on your supersonic bike back to the Ferry Terminal LOL That's not too much of a Commitment, is it? My commitment-phobic pal. I am done trying to get into your Pants - - Probably disappointing anyways ROFL So friends it is... A ride on your What is the crazy name for your kind of bike? Oh right, Steph just said Crotch-Rocket LOL Well at the last concert I went to i.e. Ace Frehley (of my ALL-TIME favourite band KISS) he had a song Rocket Ride So I could listen to that on my IPOD as we ride screaming to the Ferry terminal LOL

So I will be staying at Narda's 604- She no longer has a Cell phone so can't give you that number no longer (I lost mine in the move LOL 900$ in one month OMFG lol) Talking to my Father YEP And did he offer me Oh never mind that was a long time ago.

I would ask for your number But you have never offered so I have clued in "He's not that into You." Story of my life Which bugs me and ends me up here in with the Other Loonies ROFL

I am in for 72 hours which runs out tomorrow night at 930 p.m. Exactly so I will be home Sunday Don't ever O.D. They throw chalk down your throat and it gives you first Constipation ROFL And then... Well a very active Body ROFL

Isn't my email fun?

Well my life will only improve from here. Since I have told my reason for my Angst to go far away ROFL

Well other news? I am attending summer classes at M 94 average ((Because I have NO LIFE this time around ROFL)) No sex = FANTASTIC flippin' grades ROFL

Holiday long weekend from classes. Yayyyyyyyyyyy

So I am home Sunday if you want to call that would be Fantastic But I am already hearing your email reply; I was at my family's I could not get to a phone - I am now finding you Flippin' Hilarious But I have clued in You are NOT interested in Me or Want to get naked or any of the fun stuff I immediately thought of when I watched Ron Brown walk into the meeting. Or rather even before you walked in - - I knew you'd be all wrong for me from the get-go because I have dated your kind like a KaZillion times before The guy with the LOUD CAR LOLOL Oh Gordon had a Great time teasin me With my Ron Crush LOL Hey I have Ron's phone number Should I tell him you want to.... Of which Gordon would get a Pillow to the head And it was a COUCH pillow because him and I were bestest pals. He was like my Big Brother I never had. And I was his lil sister he could Bug Incessantly LOL Then his Girlfriend met me and said Her .... are too big No more hanging out LOL I was like OMG ROFL lol

Well the food sucks, thank god for ONE FRIEND lol And Bandit still lives. hahahahah Thought you would enjoy that news LOL Right now Steph said she left him sleeping on his balcony wicker chair I bought him his own chair Both for inside and outside Wait inside I bought him a flippin futon LMAO He took that over HAH

So Ron I wish I could have seen some action with you - - But I would settle for a hello and glad to see you STILL ALIVE LOL And a zip/fast bike ride to the ferry or whatever Or ice cream en route... Or hangin out at the concert/fireworks Bring your Bro I can't believe there's another male Brown in the same family HAHAHAHA Thought you'd be an ONLY child ROFLLLLLLLLLLL

Oh I am blonde now Been wanting to do it for years finally have. Oh wait the real truth is I don't want YOUR exact hair colour LMAO On a guy it's distinguished on a Girl? It's OMFG UGLEEEEEEEEEEE hahahaha

Or you can zip over here on Sunday and come see my pad YEAH RIGHT Like that is going to happen I can hear your mind working as you read that LOL From here I can't I have to spend time with my family LMAO Safety zone; that family. Ahhhhhhh, my comeback to that is this - - Me thinks Ol' Ronnie boy is flippin' scared of liking the Char-chick who is so flippin honest about her f'd up life and that she is up-front with telling you that she likes you and wants to... again and again and again. My gut reaction is that Ron has set his mind to Not Like Anyone Because Ron ONLY gets Hurt and Forget That LOL And it has nothing to do with me And so Me thinks you should get over your Ex and let one Female IN your world For a Ms. Right Now HELLLOOOOO I'd like to apply LOL Sort-of like a Steppin' Stone hahahaha

Who am I to talk LOL I'd jump my ExDave in a heartbeat Before he'd even finish saying HEL-jumphisbonesimmediately-LO lol But that is the Only man that I can say that about ROFL What is it about him that I would do that? He is Familiar and that is a Safety Zone.

Unfamiliar CRAZY territory is SCARY but it would start off with Ron knowing Char thinks Ron is damn handsome ROFL And thinks he has a small PeePee and that is why he is consistently hiding it from me ROFL Okay that last part Steph told me to write hahahaha I've told her about the Ron dude.

Altho I regretted I did not invite you back to my place when I had that champagne bottle LOL FULL but I was following the Group's Rules Don't get Involved LOL Blah IDIOT ME Oh wait? What did I miss out on? Oh right a Small PEEPEE LMAOOOOOOOO

Yeah Big Penis Holder Zoom over here on Sunday hahahaha Yeah right you can't navigate/afford the ferry etc etc You have to spend the weekend with your family etc etc Here's an offer You show up Sunday? I will pay for the ferry back AND DINNER on the ferry which is like the cost of the ferry ride ROFL So you lose nothing because you make it back, capeche? LMAO You won't so I will include my address Road Bandit and I will be sunning in the garden out back Listenin to Loverboy ROFL Getting primed for the concert hahahahaha

I wake up at 11 on Sundays - - Sleep in day - - So that means that you would have to catch the 9 ferry to surprise me while still in bed LMAO I awake slowly LMAO So not a morning person And having not had slept for 72 hours

I have a 4 poster bed and it's a king-size and it would even more-so dwarf your dwarf-size PeePee giggle

Stephanie thinks I know how to flirt. I said No worries Ron is predictable. I invite he says no. To each and every invite. So I could tell him anything Because I am safe on so many levels Can't get pregnant ROFL She is like How the hell do I know that If he's not interested I said I don't know how that came about/Don't remember but know that LMAOOOOOOO

Well sorry for the journal/book But when you have meetings all day long of asking questions an email gets the same treatment

So hope you are well and I expect the 2 line Very safe email from Ron Brown "because you are not THAT into ME"

LMAO Small PeePee One? Definitely NOT my LOSS LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Charlene
On her laptop still in her pj's LMAO Fun to be crazy at times LOL

hey jeff - - that is REALLY too bad - - once upon a time you asked me why i thought you were your age and never married/etc etc then i did not have an answer because i was just enjoying the physical beauty of you and enjoying your smile and wanting to be with you again... here is my feedback to you, and i mean this as someone who will always care for you... and i am always here for you... in every way, and that will never change... but here is my feedback... you can't handle someone CARING for you... you are so FREAKING SCARED of the LEAVING ((of the other person and you being HURT DEEPLY by that leaving)) that you don't LET someone IN... at all...

well handsome one, i believe that I am someone VERY special 4U and yes, I will continue to write to you, be your fan, and demand cd's from you and come to your performances, and ask you out and stay in touch, to prove to you THAT YES someone CAN CARE for Jeff Rabjohn... That ONLY YOUR SMILE makes someone else's world BETTER when you just smile their way... and yes, that someone is me... When you want to take that step... Of daring to care for another, DEEPLY... I know I would enjoy being with Jeff Rabjohn,

there you go...

You are my HandsomeJeff that is in a little box, of scared-to-care-ness But when you want to break out of that box? HELLO...

Oh other news?

I did two banners for the City of Nanaimo and they won awards the other day. Kewl eh? Oh you can bid on them, if you want? And you can BE MY FAN for a change LOL Hmmmmmmmmm? Nanaimo Art Gallery . com All one word of course; charann is the artist is me In case you are getting your fan letters confused and your MILLIONS of fan letters and women LOL

Well handsomeJeff, I AM your fan, and friend, and fWITHbenefits LOL anytime LOL Just call and I am like flying over to Vancouver like Yesterday... Because NJ is a very caring Jeff and should be known much more often... Why? Should you choose me? Because when I look at you, when I am with you... I don't notice any other... You ARE special... To Me.

And I am ... and I can offer you never a boring a day, and we would never be poor and you can be my naughty rockstar and I can be your naughty stripper LOL And you can write me ballads and I can make sculptures of you and I can play with your beautiful hair and never would I make you cry... That I could promise you. Easily. Because I would very happily curl around...

You.

But you Must...

Be open to Caring...

For me... and taking that first step...

I am much happier now and you would like me much better as the me of today. More Me.

Visit. Call. Talk to me Jeff, communicate. Dare.

Yours,

Charlene
& Stinky Dog Lives still LOL

oh and there's a cat now too; Meow-Meow and she's a ragdoll kitty and she's shocking beautiful too. Longhair and BIGGGGG blue eyes. Fluffy love she is.

DREAM TIME

Okay I was hangin' with the band HEDLEY, especially with Jacob ((pictured above)) And we were just having lunch, backstage and Jacob was up to his usual hiJinx, and I was working on his hair, coloring it; blue of all colours...

When a young girl interrupted us, by tapping me on my left shoulder, and I dropped one section of his hair as I turned to the young girl; teenager.

She threw a liquid at me and too late, I realized that it was ACID as I felt it burning my skin immediately.

Jacob jumped up, grabbing a bottled water and tried to rinse my face, before it continued to do more damage.

Minutes later I stepped closer to the mirror and looked at the damage. Even the whites of my eyes were red and burnt.

My face was a hideous mess. I just continued to stare and wonder, why????

Hello -

The purpose of my group is for me to be NO longer Single.

I am a Single, Multi-race Female and I reside on Vancouver Island.

If your brother, cousin, uncle, ex - - etc. etc. **IS** the one for me - - Please correspond!!!!

What do I like in a mate? Sense of humour IS a must. **Must Love Dogs** Art, gardening and overall, good looking. LOL

Height? For me is not an issue. Neither is weight. As good things come in all kinds of packages!!!

I almost have a fetish about Salt'n'Pepper hair...

Some of my interests; Art (in all of its avenues) I love to do mosaic art, and gardening, with equal passion. Cycling, 4X4ing and discovering/travelling all over B.C. and/or Vancouver Island. Coombs is a MUSTDO every summer!!!

Currently, my best pal, is my Dalmatian. He is a cutey!!!

Passions of mine? Personal motto? You will never get "it" UNLESS you ask!!!

I perform as a Singing Telegram Artist, and have been doing so since 1994.

His career? I almost have another Fetish of Men In Uniform - Me thinks it was watching Officer and a Gentleman ONCE too many times? Okay, yeah I can quote it verbatim **GIGGLE** And yes, Richard Gere is rather fine in my books as well...

My friends are important to me, and I am a true friend, thru thick and thin.

I am yes, not a High Maintenance gal, but rather a High Energy gal... A Pisces, if you follow that sort of thing...

I love the ocean, snowboarding and nature. On a lazy Sunday a.m. you would either find me cozed up in my 4poster bed ((which was handmade of West Coast driftwood)), sipping either cafe mocha, or cappucino or curled up in front of my potbelly stove on my deck, on my overly pillowed deckchairs.

I am the gal next door with panache. Best feature? ((I have been told)) is my eyes; dreamy blue or electric blue.

IF you are the One for Me, WRITE!!! Or if you know of MY NUMERO UNO, send me his info!!! Or send him this info...

I have tons more of interests and can type 98 w.p.m. so IF a friend is met, :)

Group name: Think_YOU_are_the_One

Group home page: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Think_YOU_are_the_One

Group email: Think_YOU_are_the_One@yahoogroups.com

okay i REALLY do NOT understand life...

recently i met someone...

the reaction was IMMEDIATE...

we began to chat/text message, in fact...

i began with a thank you, as he was a delivery man... and i thanked him for such a HANDSOME delivery, which was a large boxful of incense...

we flirted back and forth, him asking in his first message, which rooms were the incense used in?

mmmmm, the heated bathroom and the bedroom of course!!!!

oh yes??? tell more, and with ALL the **EROTIC** detail

and off we went...

texting a ton for the next 3days...

"SEX"ting, I am thinking it is now called?

then another day he arrived... with flowers in hand, and his beautiful smile...

then i noticed in our very erotic touching, a tan line,

in the very least of erotic places;

his...

ring finger

UGH

married and so it stopped

i can't believe my reaction to this man? i am in circles, confounded and everything...

my heart has not stopped pounding, my lips are still swollen from his passionate kisses

and there you go,

me single, he is...

NOT

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

BadBoyBrent... is sooooooooooooo SEXXXXXXXXXY in his tight jeans, furry chest and bewitching eyes; green which seemed to glow when they glanced my way...

never again...

ohhhhhhhhhhh

become single brent and wander my way;

easy enough solution ROFL

**SIGH**

people come into your life for a reason, a season or ...

WHAT was I to learn from this? that my engine can ROAR ???

GREAT

not...

Mike Big Mike,
all sexy 6foot4 of you...
It seemed like we met, from the very 1st day that I moved this way...
I became smitten, immediately, with your sloppy grin, opening arms, and chicken legs...
I crawled right into those huge arms of yours and believed your words, every time, you detoured my way.
Especially the last night...
That you swung your sloppy blue van, into my driveway...
You promised me jacuzzi, marble fireplace, 4 poster bed, a night of sex, laughter and drunkeness - - Abigails' at it's best...
Yeah - -
Being Stood Up is Fine. Great. Devine.
NOT.
When your engine is purring from another night, of hot promises and wet showers, bubble baths, and words of desire.
You are incomparable, unique and Devine.
And I believed.
Every word whispered, and spoken, by your swollen lips, of desire, covered by my hot lips of wantoness.
Mmmmmmm, and I dared to want - - More.
I believed.
Mikey? All 6foot4 of you?
A 2nd chance IS yours
VALID FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF JUNE ONLY
The backdoor or sliding door will be open and another night of sex PERHAPS on my deck, beneath the stars of summer, is yours, once again, and lets make those baby practicing moves...
My luck it would be twins, as teasing, playful, and smooth as their daddy...
But I am willing to Go4It if you are...
Detour my way, this week alone, and all those naughty thoughts of yours ARE yours, today, tomorrow, and always.
Mmmmmm, chicken legs and all, me likeeee U.
Just sign me;
22.
P.S. Where's that icecream and kahlua BABY? lol

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4t7pmi-Lyk4
Okay the VERY first time I became "aware" of the opposite sex FULLY AND COMPLETELY was when I watched Sooner or Later starring REX SMITH

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can remember where I was, who I watched it with, and how we squealed whenever Rex Smith picked up his guitar ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - Even typing this I have goosebumps RIGHT down to my fingertips LOL

If I ever were to meet Rex Smith - - And I have done this SEVERAL times in my daydreams, erotic dreams AND night dreams LOL Of course he would have the BIG HAIR lol That smile OMG and tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight jeans on Oh and just **HAPPEN** to have a guitar nearby...

OF COURSE

The guitar is a necessary factor in the fantasy so he could sing the whole album to JUST ME ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have even placed those songs onto my IPOD first;

Song list and this is from MEMORY lol

You Take My Breath Away
Sooner or Later
Simply Jessie
Better than it's ever been before...
Love Street
Never Gonna Give You Up
Sway
ohhhhh what a night for romance
ain't that peculiar
... if you know how to love me...

I WAS JESSIE

OMG that was sooooooooooooooooo ME I was **THERE**

Goosebumps ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Goosebumps...

The excitement of "first love" mine was REX SMITH and he had a great smile and a guitar and tiiiiiiiiiiight jeans Oh AND big hair LOL

Rex Smith? If you are EVER touring B.C. ooooooooohhhhhhhh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this gal know!!!

Centre row; ME

http://www.dumpalink.com/videos/Incredible_kiss_cover_song-913k.html
I hope that that video works for you when you click on it...
For me, a STANDING memory that I have of my childhood is of hearing KISS for the first time... Paul Stanley's voice just "did" something for me... I was hooked from his very first note of singing... Like Completely...

And then their movie came out and again I was hooked... Then their comic came out and they asked you to become a KISS ARMY MEMBER and of course, I did that too...

I was not allowed to see them as my mother was one of those mother's that stated "KISS stands for Kings in Satan Service" BLAH

But Paul in his physical form was everything I desired in a man; pouty lips, BIG head of hair, GREAT voice (I even liked his talking voice), and FURRRRRY chest LOL Lean of form - Yep, Paul started me on my way for Puberty LOL

My one WISH in this lifetime is to have Paul do a PRIVATE concert for me - Just him and his regular guitar MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... I have "experienced" that moment several times... In my dreams; night and day LOL

Just loooooooooooved the man - Everything about Paul Stanley, for me, IS sexy. Walks, talks, dresses. Flaunts it and HOW.

If I met him? I would NOT be able to speak, I would probably embarrass myself by saying something that had nothing to do with the moment LOL

IF I COULD have my SECRET LIFETIME wish it would be to meet Paul Stanley SOLO. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh My life would be PERFECT from then on out Because I had met Paul Stanley and he both talked to me AND sang to ME.

Yeah that WOULD make my life COMPLETE. Like that stupid line, "You COMPLETE - - Me." I could honestly say that from that moment forward...

http://www.rangerliveordie.ca/speakup/?type=sasqmanager#top

Should the Ranger Live or Die Contest - I am Charlene S. Contestant PLEASE VOTE FOR ME Here is My Entry, as to why:

I have performed, since 1994, as a Singing Telegram Performer. I have performed all over B.C., Canada, and the United States. Even on a Talk Show.
I am Gregarious, pretty cute and loooove to sing and play dress up.
My number one request of Singing Telegrams is as a Gorillagram On Rollerskates. So I strongly believe that the Sasquatch and I would "get along" LOL

okay i am going to write down my dream o'last night...

it was like a set of interview with a vampire... when lestat meets the head vampire... played by melanie griffith's hubby... ohhhh antonio banderas... so that kind of set/environment...

so an old style theater... i am but one of the audience...

when the curtains rush open... bigggg red/velvet curtains and like 10 stories high (it seemed like) and there were huge posters revealed of the upcoming performance...

as that occurred, stilt performers entered... many, many and dancing in front of us, the audience...

and then smoke entered...

it was late night... like the bewitching hour...

there was movement in the audience near to me, and a VERY good looking blonde man sat beside me, and he had on a mask... and he smiled at me...

i looked at him and played with one of my earrings, in nervousness...

and the person to my right side, slid closer to me, and his profile looked "vaguely" familiar... so i glanced at him, a lil' longer and he reached for my legs, and placed them on his lap, and began to stroke my legs and i did not know how to react and then...

the masked blonde man, reached towards me and removed the combs from my hair and began to stroke my neck, and as that is my all-time favourite erotic feeling in the world!!! i moved closer to him and felt like i wanted to purr, the feeling was so erotic and fine...

he turned my head towards me, and i thought, mmmmmmmm, this is fine, so very fine...

smoke swirled around us, and it was like we entered our own world...

i reached for his mask, wanting to reveal his identity, thinking, do i know you? and then, does that really matter? as the sensations continue to swirl within me...

he reached for my hand, and stopped me from removing his mask...

and he undid his shirt, closed with ties and revealed a rippled chest, and he placed my hand onto his chest and i let a purr-like sound go... wanting more, wanting to know this man who caused me to feel such sensations...

vaguely away of the other male touching my legs, slowly, erotically...

ohhhhh, this was fine... very fine...

then my vaguely familiar male to my right, stopped and reached for a glass of wine and poured it over my thighs and he bent down and began to lick the wine from my thighs and i thought, OH WOWWWWWW...

mmmmmmmm, all thoughts disappeared as i just experienced exstacy for the first time in my life...

the kiss deepened, and my blonde male, whispered, it is you i want, right now...

oh yes?

oh yessssss...

his kiss deepened and i disappeared into full sensory mode...

he knew how to touch, slowly and erotically...

from far away, i felt my black dress being removed from my shoulders and the second male, lifting my full skirt,

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, oh this is beyond all that has been before for me...

delightfully erotic and so so so...

beyond mere words...

the exploration of me continued and i mutely enjoyed...

mmmmmmmm...

as the blonde moved over me, i reached up and his mask became askew and i stared, he looks so familiar!

but in my intoxicated mind, it would not click! just who he was? i knew he was someone from my past, a mere acquaintance? an enemy? a co-worker?

a glass of wine was poured over my lips, as he withdrew his kiss, and all coherent thoughts were completely removed, almost immediately,

i watched the two men, cover me with kisses and i thought, oh this is devine,

both of their tongues explored my core and i thought i would die a thousand deaths at that very moment; ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhwowwwwwwwwwwwww...

wow, wow, wow, was my only thought...

later... what? days? minutes? seconds? i did not know... my blonde sat up and covered my lips with kisses, soft and whispered, now you will sleep, my beauty, and he removed his mask, and just before i closed my eyes, i realized, OMG!!!!

it's...

chris!!!

the evil twin!!!!!

but i could not react or stop myself from sleep overtaking me...

FIGURE THAT DREAM OUT ROFLLLLLL

As an aside - All thru the years of lower school, middle school and high school Ricky was always "there" for me... Whenever I would jet over to their house - He would "just happen" to be there too!!! Smiling his great smile... Etc. Etc. Or when I was 15 and went over to their place, he would grab me before I entered the house, smother me with kisses, of hello. Ask me how I was and were any boys being bad to me Breathlessly I would answer NO lol Then he would just step back, walk away, whistling as I rang the doorbell. I would always be breathless whenever I said hello to his sisters Or Mom or Dad LOL And they would always tell me not to race over sooooo fast on my bike ROFL

The wierd thing was, Ricky never "officially" asked me OUT lol But at dances, local get-togethers, I don't know how he'd do it - But yep, same approach And asking me about the dance if any guys were rude etc etc

Man Ricky could KISS lol

Figure that one out HAHAHAHAHA

Could I? Would I? Love to meet him again??? DEFINITELY. Last I heard, he moved to Toronto CANADA LOL I looked up variations of R Hill in Toronto -= Only like a PAGE hahahaha

Thanks for letting me ramble :)

Charlene

my first crush? his name was/is - ricky hill - i was ten and he was like 13 - okay let me describe ricky hill - big AFRO head of RED hair - it sounds demented, but in my eyes he was GORGOUES!!!! - BUT how we met was i had just moved to this small HICK town from the city and had just found a foot path and was sitting on a big, big, big rock, crying - and this BEAUTIFUL/STRIKING young boy rode up on his bike - with a banana seat and those Ubars for handlebars??? and gave me a smile, and said, "why are you crying?? YOU are MUCH too pretty to be crying..." i poured out ALL of my angst (of a ten Y.O. LOL) which took what? all of 15 seconds? and he listened, and gave me my VERY FIRST KISS - needless to say I was NO LONGER sad hahahaha Oh and Ricky even did me a FURTHER favour - he told me he had 2 sisters that would LOVE to be my BEST FRIENDS and yes they were to be my BEST FRIENDS for school life...

can I take this time to put it forth if anyone knows a RICKY HILL that has 3 sisters... charlene H MISSES him big time!!! and would love to chat/email ANYTIME soon (like AS IF) that only works in movies RIGHT? lol oh I am sure that he "goes by" Richard Hill now LMAO

but my story was all true,

charlene :)

Me thinks U misinterpreted the emailed Invite - - it was for a weekend for sex LOL that you have a g'f has ZERO bearing on the matter LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

but you have declined and you know what? i find it fucking FREEING so in a way you DID give me a weekend of SEX lol i am able to say good bye to john collison FINALLY weeee fucking liberating that... i burnt your photos AND the negative I offered them to you - in an email awhile back AND your baby photos I had like 20 of them - you were not at all concerned about having them so tonight? i burnt them - so they and you NO LONGER exist FOR ME

thank you for the good bye now i will NO LONGER be the sad charlene who gave up a baby because i loved someone and he did not love me back AT ALL EVER and I will never believe that you EVER did or my father's words? you would have had a backbone for Like give me a fucking break - if you wanted ME ME ME my family would not have mattered or his words i found your explanation weak AT BEST i never felt you were "that into me" EVER that you were always looking for something/someone better

i have guesses who your g'f is but i am not going to go there -

i have moved FROM you FREED at last - you will NEVER understand how MUCH it fucking hurt saying goodbye to someone that came out of ME screamed its first breath BECAUSE of me - BUT she looked JUST LIKE YOU - same damn mouth and eyelashes -

but i wanted you to come RIGHT out and say char - let's go for it - NOW and even passing in THIS lifetime a 2nd time? YOU NEVER DID - so it reinforced my belief that you were NEVER "that into me"

i believe we become "involved" with another human being to learn LESSONS - what did I carry from meeting john ambrose collison? at 20? or 21? whatever i was???? i learnt that charlene ann can love FULLY and COMPLETELY - give herself to another human being and ROCK - i loved you from your first smile AT ME - you were my GOLDENmost memory - MY PRECIOUS JOHNNY -

I DARED to give me, LOVE YOU completely - did I fucking care ever that you loved me as absolutely in return? no because I WAS THAT INTO YOU - I would have moved the earth for you Johnny - That is why I carried your babe to term -

That is what I learnt FROM meeting you - Did I have any effect? Affect on you? Pffffffffffffft. I doubt it.

Like - Oh I am not even going to go there.

Thank you for saying Goodbye - I could never had "just a weekend" of sex with MY JOHNNY so this is the wise way to go. And now I am Free. Of you.

Forever.

Wow it feels fucking Fantastic.

I "knew" there was a Reason why I was so Strongly pulled "back" to Nanaimo. I originally thought it was to have a Relationship WITH my Daddy - Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - No. It was to bump into my Johnny and have the Good Bye I was not able to at 20.

Charlene at 20, was strong. Charlene at 40 is Fucking Awesome.

Not once in your narcisstic emails have you asked about me. LOL Further proving there was ZERO concern from your person to THIS person - I am a person that carried YOUR baby. Which you can NO LONGER never ever again create. Yet finding that out Altered your life not one IOTA. No you wanted to find Charlene in a Time Capsule and the Charlene with the Long hair and a size2 and yadda yadda yadda Well I have lost 20 pounds Enjoying it - - - Working out daily as I loooove my pizzas. LOL And cooking and whatnot and the sins thereof LOL

Oh I am not TOTALLY MADE OF STONE where you are concerned - I cried burning each picture - could remember every moment with you - YOU ROCKED MY WORLD to its foundations and I never even made a MINUTE impact on yours. But I loved you so FUCKING MUCH that that did not matter to me LOL I could and do and will forever remember you and this is cemented in my brain and its memories My eternal memory of YOU is this - THE VERY FIRST TIME you walked into the Kabuki Kab shop and smiling your smile at me and I thought MY WORLD IS FOREVER CHANGED THIS MAN IS GOING TO CHANGE IT I had no doubt FROM YOUR VERY FIRST SMILE MY WAY you had not even known my name but that is what SLAMMED into my brain.

I only once had a baby inside of me - - I miscarried - - I think it was a Greater Power's Choice that one - - As the Father that time DENIED it was stating all sorts of lies about me. Me? I am in the MOMENT very much so with the VERY few men I "chose" to FEEL something for. But you? You were...

MY SPECIAL JOHNNY.

And you will NEVER take that from ME.

For that? I hold that VERY dear.

I wanted YOU to ask me to ENTER my world etc etc You Never Did. This 2nd Meeting. So that "reinforced" I made the right choices. Wherever our SHE is - - She is a Fucking Beauty? Why? Because she was carried WITH love all the LOVE I NEVER gave to her Daddy - I talked to her EVERY day in my TUMMY and all of that.

And that she was YOU so much in the face REINFORCED it for me That it was that best decision Because I could NOT go thru the hurt of telling her Your Daddy chose another. Okay I am tired. I am going to bed. Finishing tonight's cry - Goodbyes SUCK lol

Thank you for this.

I was so very happy to see you again Johnny - - You have LOST so much. It hurt me in so many ways. Yes our life TOGETHER would have ROCKED. You would have had such a VERY different LIFE. That I know - - Because I - - - But that is something you NEVER wanted - - Even with a 2nd chance Meeting - -

So go forth WITH all of my Heart's Blessings TO YOU.

I will never bother you again. I have zero desire to. I reached out - - Was extremely truthful ONCE AGAIN - - Never felt I was ever getting the TRUTH from you That something always was "not quite right in your tellings" of words to me.

But I don't fucking or am concerned about you anymore.

Zero. Done. I am done.

Where you are concerned.

And it feels fucking FANTASTIC.

My weight gain was I am guessing baby fat How I helped myself NOT to feel the hurt. Now I am shedding it BECAUSE I am FREE.

I hope you are as Happy as I wish you.

Charlene
Your Yesterday. Or was I lol

http://www.zshare.net/audio/10012742abe804bd/

Download that MIX immediately - - > that mix went so fast onto my ipod it was like faster than IMMEDIATELY lol

Denise is a hot babe - kewl in my books - Mama to like 5? beautiful mixed babies - each one cuter than the other - and her "other" passion ((like she has time)) lol is dj'ing I would LOOOOOVE to learn that art But I don't think they could get me to SHUTUP hahahaha

But enjoy the mix I AM on my treadmill :)

Here's to byebye 20 zillion pounds THANKS GIRLFRIEND!!!!

Your fan, forever and ever and ever

Charlene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D85yrIgA4Nk&feature=related

This is a video of a homeless man in Santa Barbara and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow. They are a family. The man who owns them rigged a harness up for his cat so she wouldn't have to walk so much (like the dog and himself). At some juncture the rat came along, and so no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and often, on the cat. The dog will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches. The mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a Christmas card.

This made me sit back and THINK Recently I went through something which caused me to lose a friend Looooong story but she has chosen not to continue our friendship and This video just hit home. i.e. Why can't we all just get along????

Charlene

Okay today was one of those days that I would entitle, if it were a chapter; "The More People I Meet, The More I Looooove My Dog" Here is the why...

I was hanging out with a woman that I have met recently, let's call her "Liz" for simplistic sake.

I met her because we live in the same neighborhood, mutual neighbor introduced us and blah, blah, blah (or yadda yadda yadda, which generation you are LOL).

Today Liz and I were working on her resume, easy enough (for me), a moderate stress moment for Liz. Did not understand the stress level for Liz, it was easy as pie, for me LOL

We were in the printing stage of her resume, when her room-mate came home.

Simple background of room-mate; Liz met her originally at N.A., room-mate is a gay woman, and moved into Liz's home in February.

So room-mate slams into the trailer, takes one look at me, sitting at the computer, and starts IMMEDIATELY screaming at Liz, "You better be FUCKING ready for the 5 o'clock ferry because I pfffffffffft (pffffft will now forever take the place of the word fucking)

I have changed my mind - Not going to write up about what occurred - Other than saying that Police had to be called "Domestic Disturbance"

Do not know or understand people, less and less every day.

Me.

Okay thinking of the time of 1984 i.e. When my BabyDaddy was born ROFL

I had my FIRST "Famous Male" Crush - Yes George Michael My favourite Video of him over and over to watch was (and still is) Wake Me Up Before you GoGo - Loved his look in that video - Yep back to the BIGHAIR male ROFL My fave look forever and ever...

I was the last to argue that George was straight ARGHHHHHHHH Great loss that...

George helped me Jump into Puberty **EVIL GRIN**

Spent the day today "fixin' up" my Home -

So far what has been changed; painted the majority of the interior ((myself WOOO WOOO)) Which was painting the bathroom which originally had FLORAL wall paper - - For a bathroom? Like come on - Now beautiful WHITE

Painted the hallway - Yep, beautiful WHITE and living room and kitchen.

I have also painted all of my flower beds (the wooden frames) a very nice green - Forest green I believe? And the front stairs.

Oh I also painted the sunroom/mudroom - Yep WHITE.

That was in the winter time.

Today I received a WHITE stove - Very cute and works with my decor.

So slowly the interior is brigtening UP. I am liking my efforts and it is looking good, me thinks.

Next? On the fixer upper agenda? Finishing the landscaping as weather permits - The weather today was HORRIBLE and it even HAILED. Believe it or not.

So my little home is looking better day after day. Each "reno" after reno.

Wish me luck!!!!

Oh what is next on the agenda is the landscaping and more houseplants and like that. For me plants are a necessary decoration for a Happy Home.

So that is where it stands. Ohhhh I have an old stove, beige, in colour for FREE available. Must be picked up LOL No it's not self=cleaning HAH

Charlene

I HAVE FOUND MY BABY2BE DADDY **EVIL GRIN**

And lo and behold... HE'S CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!!

WoooooWoooooooo

KYLE SCHMID

i.e.

I HOPE that works... If not I will place it elsewhere on my page... But here is his photo...

The letter I DID send to my Father, today, by REGISTERED MAIL - - >

- - to respond to this THAT IS only YOURS to answer - -

Dan - -

This letter/communication is looooooooong overdue.

I sent you a fax to request for you to visit with me, so we could have "this" as a talk rather than a letter - - not acknowledged/by you...

I have tons of things I feel the VERY much need to communicate with you - - and you alone.

Yes this WILL be a long rambling letter... I WILL SKILL ALL over the place... To address issues I have never had the gumption before to address. To you.

First off, have you ever loved me? I ask this as I have never outright asked you this. Blunt. But my most biggest question that I have always have of you. I ask this because you have never said so.

Do you want a relationship at all WITH ME? If yes, we have to have a talk. A BIG ONE.

No more sweeping past issues under the carpet, and walking, tiptoeing around the VERY obvious elephant under the carpet.

Is your view of me the fat, lazy whore? You never really answered Yes or no. When I did question you of this question.

Before I proceed, I would like to say Thank you for the Home. But I never thought you did it out of love. But as a SAVE FACE within the minute community of ours. As your much more preferred "Daughter" you had just "gifted" with a townhouse.

To you, a person ONLY has worth IF they are equal of your "social" standing. Money level. Your own Mother had very little "worth" therefore. I bse this on one of your statements (and this is after my BELOVED Grandmother's passing) I VERY PROUDLY SHOWED YOU Grandmother's pink dress, and your response? I remmeber distinctly; THAT DRESS WAS PROBABLY 2ND HAND, WHEN MOM BOUGHT IT." WTF????? I VERY happily shop 2ndHand - That Pink Dress was worn to Uncle Parker's wedding, no less.

I strongly believe that you have VERY low regard for me as a person or a human being. Which strikes me as not just hilarious, but fucking hilarious because the only human being's love and regard I have lived my life for is...

YOURS.

Yet - -

You have never ONCE invited me to the cabin. ??? Why is that???

Yet every other human being is invited and much so.

I never could understand the WHY? I take only so much "blame" for that. Then you have to explain why.

It goes back to Do you detest me? Do you??

You never hug me. When I hug you, you actually physically back away so... WHY?

Perhaps it is because, and I am basing it on "assumption" here, you have come to believe, I dislike or hate your wife. I do not hate or dislike Michelle. Never have. I "tolerate" her as I do not think (a) she loves you (b) she is "good" enough for you (c) her interests, at heart, stop at 2 people; Michelle first and foremost, and secondary, Chelsea.

One of the million of reaons that I am writing is to no longer have a fiasco of a birthday as I and Michelle have had to survive. Asking where I would like to go and going elsewhere. Why ask? Why did you? A purse for someone w/very little cash was a real DIG. Considerate too. Did you really buy me a Tshirt? Where is it?

I base my opinion of Michelle on my one daring question of her, "DO YOU LOVE MY FATHER?" The week before she married you, and her reply of LAUGHTER and "NO, I LOVE HIS MONEY."

Are the two of you now "in love"? By my definition? NO. I do not know your definition of LOVE. As having never have "FELT" it.

You said to me, in the chapel, at Grandma's funeral, THAT you wished it was me in there. "There" being the viewing room as I had just asked for your opinion IF you were goin "in" there... And THAT was YOUR reply. So... You do think that? Is that your truth? of Me? Your biological off-spring?

That was the SECOND time you mentioned to me YOU WISHED it WAS ME DEAD. Instead of the first (other) person. All of your Aunties came out to Grandma's to help her thru her grief and I was over too and on our way on the ferry and I remember on the ferry to Uncle Parker's funeral you turned and said to me, I WISH I WAS BURYING YOU.

Nice.

NOT.

SHIT.

Where is your ANGER of ME? Coming from? REALLY?

Buying me the Vaccuum FOR xMAS? You might as well have bought me a 6shooter. You knew the story of my upbringing and the vaccuum. Outright thoughtlessness = Dan.

Again = NICE = Not....

Did you go thru my trailer? That night of calling me those vile statement? What were you searching for? Can I have the taken items back? If you "found" them?

QUIT putting down Bandit. I love him.

Quit putting down Dave R------. He IS the only man I ever LOVED in this life. I would go back with him IMMEDIATELY. Respect him for being the man your Daughter LOVES. If Dave and I met again, I would be with him. My opinion of his is not yours. Never will be.

We need to have a TALK. You and I. I need, and want, to hear your truths.

I am NOT a weak person. I have many fantastic qualities. Get beyond your own limitations of people = money and you will discover you HAVE an AWESOME daughter.

It's up to you IF you want to know ME.

The difference between you and I is this - - > People MUST be allot of things to be "good enough" for you. Me? I value people as Uncle Parker said, "People just have to be."

You ARE MY DADDY and for that, YOU ARE AWESOME. That's it.

I always felt you never "FORGAVE" me for not finishing University. It was not for me. It was not throwing "YOU" away or your help...

Do we have something to salvage? I don't have an answer. Do we? We have to have "THE TALK", if so.

I detest being the unfortunate One. That has to change; BIG TIME.

But I will be fine with whatever you decision will be.

What you never got in your "impression" of me is this - - As you see only weakness. I have so many of, or rather, so much of your genetics; I have strength.

What you NEVER knew was I had a 2 day (full weekend) chat with my beloved Grandma 2 weeks before she passed. I said everything I ever wanted to ask her of her, of me, of you, of Uncle Parker - - > EVERYTHING. And she? Said as why you and I don't work? Too alike.

That got a WHATEVER GRANDMA hahaha

I AM VALUABLE. Treat me so. I am YOUR daughter. Respect me FOR that. No more 3rd place for me i.e. Michelle, Chelsea, Forgotten daughter/me... Forgotten? No more. No thanks.

Or else I am done. I can live with that. As well as I could live with a new beginning. WITH DAD.

Is it because Edith never aborted me and you "had to" marry her? You so innately DISLIKE ME?

I know of those twin boys in Edmonton - YOUR SONS. That woman never aborted them, either, right?

I am here. I am no longer paying for me being a backseat "mistake". At a country dance.

Or is it that you "VIEW" me as your one true failure "in" life? Should have stepped up to the plate, etc., etc.?

I've never blamed you for my upbringing and its shortcomings. Nope. You are MY FATHER. That's it. So get over "it".

I "blame" my Mother, if blame "needs" to go somewhere.

Also, I've always wondered why none of my Paternal family ever visited me at my home(s) in B.C.? Why always the visit was at 2186? Just found that curious too??

Do we have something? ? That is for you to answer. I think so.

Chelsea hates me, yes? Obvious even to me. My doing? Probably. I was too stoned/drunk etc. etc., to build a sister relationship. Back then. Too bad. My loss.

After this letter, others to 5 other people. Yours first. That was my downfall. Lived my life, entire, FOR YOU. i.e What would my DADDY think??? [of this] And was I ever in your hemisphere of thoughts? Ever?

Now you drive home from work and can't even drop by to check-in with your biological daughter. I found it hilarious I am starving, literally, but you reimburse "poor" Chelsea for ferry fees ROFL

Us?? You don't want to? Are my expectations too high to want a visit?

That IS the question.

Up to you, for that answer.

Oh the electronics I received were a Joke. But that's another whole letter.

You said to me, several times, that you "know all about me, more than I know, you know." Oh yes? Then you know that you are a Grandfather?

What DO you know about me? Beyond superficial? Knowledge?

Is it too late to have "MY" desired relationship with you? Dr. Dan?

For that I REALLY DON'T AHVE THE ANSWER. Falk, we must, if so.

Weak, I am not, and your thinking that I am of weaknesses, only, is sad.

I could go on and on. Do you not want to "MY" Father? Is it too vile for you?

Thank you for my home. I would like to trade "up" one day. Skylights and acreage (one) is my dream. 2010?

I don't know if you sent me the Home Depot gift certificate of 200$ but thanks. Made me think you were acknowledging me. At last. And taking an interest, of my interests. I hope so.

Renovations cost lots, hah.

Bye,

Me.

I am open to THE TALK. For everything need to be said. Said. A drunken blowup, misguided... NO THANKS.

If Michelle and/or Chelsea want to be part. Great. If not, that's great too.

Just this, next to nothing, 1sided communication SUCKS. Let me go or get involved. Be my Father or not. 1sidedness SUCKS.

I would like to know IF you would want me IN your world OR NOT.

Okay my Mini-Novella FINITO.

Me.

p.s.

Oh one of my questions before I finish - - Why was Germaine placed so persistently in my world? A spy? To ask all those questions you and Michelle never could? And then you took her interpreations of my answers, as gospel? Did you know she stole from me? Nice one, to base "gospel" on her. Or did you tell her to keep/steal/remove the items "lost" while she was in my world? Yet she had the audacity to say she was MY friend when she was with me? Yet you PAID her to be with me? What? You didn't pay her one week so she removed items from me? THANKS FOR THAT FRIEND placd into my world. I wish I was making this up.

And no I have not lied to you since I have moved here. Before that, I told the truth, but in a very COLOURFUL way.

I am no longer going to "step around" Michelle with my words. I never understood your words, "Michelle saw your photo of your Mother, I almost had to buy her something VERY expensive that day." What????? You just "spawned" forth the day you "married" her??? WHERE'S MY DAD'S BACKBONE? Like really????

Phone is ringing - -

Me.

MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER
i.e. Criminal Minds -
Great I have a NEW Addiction -
For Wednesday Nights - Totally love the dude and his webpage is my kind of warped LOL www.matthewgraygubler.com I believe is what it is. I would sooooooooo love to have him ILLUSTRATE me hahahahaha He is soooooo funny Warped, cute, and I love how he is dressed in his role -
Well Matthew IF you are ever on Vancouver Island and need a GUIDE **WINK** I AM your gal... Errrrr - Guide...
A fan of yours FOREVER...
Charlene