I want to take this time to say THANK YOU. Two words that I very often do not say...

To my "teachers" of late...

1) Joanna Dunn - she is just an awesome woman - Let's just name a few of her "accomplishments" She runs a gym, has written 5 fitness books, has 3 sons (2 of which are adorable 1 year old twins), has been in many a body-building contest and whew! I met her to join The Biggest Loser Boot Camp - - For 12 weeks this summer.

So far week one I GAINED 1 lb CRAP CRAP CRAP - I was royally pissed at myself. Because everyone else lost weight.

Week 2 I lost 14.5 lbs and now I am a BELIEVER!!! I listen to every word that comes forth from her pretty mouth hahahaha

The second "teacher" is a surprise actually - My trainer Scott I think does not know what to do with me. Nor I with him. I just stand there and think; Very nice. And then forget to workout.

There is no IF there LOL So we will let that go.

But he is quite a trainer. He makes it fun, actually as you groan your way through each and every workout. Which so far is one extended sweat.

It just helps that he has the most beautiful "everything" as you workout LOL

I've attached the photo because that is basically Scott (on top) as he is explaining what we are to do in the workout and how he stops me from goofing off hahahaha

well today is not a good day - - feeling old, feelin' fat, feelin' alone and all of that... and fightin', my "edge" seems to have drifted away...

don't know if i want to continue the fight to lose weight... UGH ... much more comfortable hiding in my hole/home...

like c'mon who would seriously want to date this old workhorse? yah right ... ugly as can be, etc etc

i have decided that i am just going to go workout, not talk to anyone and just workout... that's it...

no more goofiness, just working out - - yep.

why? because i am so flipping boring hah ugly and everything... bad. yep

I just realized today that I REALLY do not know how one, in today's society, shows an interest in another human being LMAO

Like let's use Scott, my trainer, as an example...

I ask him out? Is that acceptable? I "wait" for him to clue-in and ask me out? Like I really do not know how the "game of love" is played these days

YIIIII

Hi Scott, I would like to spend some time with you

OMG that sounds so lame, needy,

Or I wait until he asks me out?

Or I just what? Smile at him allot?

Oh yeah, I can "just" what? Hope he just "magically" what? Dumps his girlfriend he travelled halfway across the world for? For what? ME?

Old woman that is battling a weight problem? Can't even be bold enough to what? Tell him hey I think you are Marvelous? FunnY/worthy of getting to know? For what? A long time? Let's travel B.C. together and hang? After this 12-weeks is all over?

YAH f'g right LMAO

She/the girlfriend is young, young, young,

and I am old.

End of story.

I can't even get this going as a WHAT-IF lol Because I look around my reality and can't see "him" in it.

Hey Scott, I live in a trailer, I have a beat-up car, I live with my cat and my boxer and I am going back to school in September and I have dreams.

Absolutely NOTHING to offer the man.

I will let this fantasy go, because I CAN'T see him choosing me.

Although I would love to have that smile my way ALLOT. Especially first thing in the morning. Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

Not going to happen. Get over it.

Oh yeah, hey Scott, I am nocturnal and love to listen to tunes - and just hang, is that your cuppa tea, as well? I love to cuddle and have you smile at me, and I would love to lean against your shoulder and just learn about you... Slowly and have that smile ALLOT.

I in turn would give you fire and passion and smiles in return, because I think you are just marvelous and I am so f'g scared to tell you that. For why? You are taken.

UGH.

Yeah me and you.

Give it a shot.

Not going to occur. Get over it Char.

Okay let's try a one night stand mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Would love to curl around you and purrrrrr, or have you say my name slowly and watch your eyes, as I kiss you the first time... Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

Not

F'g

Likely.

I AM FOOLISH

In the middle of a workout, I am daydreaming since my body is screaming in pain...

When my right hand seems to have a mind of its own... I dare to touch Scott, my trainer, he is working out beside me, since I am always the one goofing off.

I trace his inner wrist, and the jolt is electric. I nearly jump out of my skin. And then the moment is gone. I am sure he never even noticed. But I sure did.

The workout itself was a joke. Two many people for the area we were working out in. Scott obviously did not want to be there - - We did the workout at the speed of light - -

But there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! No Scott Sunday!!!

6'3 with brown eyes and a girl friend he rushes home to.

Get a life Char LOL To go camping with which he rushes home to do. Yah. Yay.

Well so that's that - - shooooooe him out of my dreams now LOL

I just don't understand why he has to workout beside me ALL THE FRIGGING TIME lol.

Let me goof off in peace LOL

The reason I am going thru this pain is to looooooose weight UGH UGH UGH I don't think I want to anymore HAH

PAINFUL

I would like Scott to say once, Hey Char, you are doing great.

Without the sarcasm in his voice. Or smile at me. Just me. Yah right. I want to kiss the boy LOL It can't be all that. HAHAHAHAHA

I want him to see me as Sexy as the Girl in the Photo I've attached. Perhaps his shirt?

Yah right he rushes home to a YOUNG LASS of beauty not a used up old show-horse like me. Battling a weight problem.

SIGH

Reality bites.

Let me detour to fantasy - -

Driving down the highway one day, I notice a motorcycle stopped by the side of the road.

Yah right.

It would go more like this.

A motorcycle zooms pass me as I am laboring away, trying to change a tire. I have no flipping idea how to, but am struggling nonetheless.

The motorcycle turns around and zooms back, slowing down, as I stand up and toss my hair in frustration. Thinking, F!!!!!!!

I chew on my bottom lip, thinking, I really should be in the 21st century and actually have a cell phone LOL Last of the Idiots of technology. 'Cuz how am I getting out of this one? Miles from home, ???

When I hear, "Char?"

My neck snaps my head around, only ONE damn English male accent I know, really. I slowly turn my head, thinking, what are the odds?

He removes his bike helmet and the smile appears.

I see it is indeed Scott and I rush over, "Oh Scott, I am having the most horrible day, I don't know how to change a tire, and I am confused and I don't have a cell phone and - - "

He puts his hand up, shushing me with a touch to my lips, saying, "You have dirt on your upper lip, let me brush it off."

He touches my lip and I can no longer breathe. I look up at him, and think, Scott I've wanted to kiss you...

He reaches under my hair and slowly moves me closer, the movement seems forever before our lips touch.

I whisper, "Scott - - "

He smiles at me, "Char, you talk too damn much, just kiss me."

"Oh I talk - - "

The kiss is electrifying.

I feel it right down to my toes. I do not want it to end, and reach towards him, thinking, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The kiss deepens and I break it. "Wow Englishmen kiss devinely!"

"Always the last word Char, yah?"

I just smile up at him, thinking, not if you kiss me like that - - Again and again and again.

The fantasy stops there LOL

Ok I am NOT thinking of the guy ONCE tomorrow or Sunday or Monday.

GOAL.

Single Female Available...

Interests:

Must love animals as there is always 1 or 2 animals in my world and constant... I love gardening, the ocean, cycling and currently working out. Art is dominant in my world as well. As well as collecting "stuff".

The Man I Seek:

Must have a sense of humour... To a level of warped sense **GRIN** A clean-freak; sure!!! Love to cook and shop and like that.

Wow I am doing so well, not LOL

Ugh just lately I am feeling blue about coming home to a quiet home ((other than Taz the Spaz my over-energized Boxer LOL))

I have lived with someone before - - What I miss about "that" is the lazy Sunday mornings - - Just hangin', the spontaneity of sex on kitchen counters and wherever **evil grin**, going for drives "just because we want to make another memory", and cycling together and just "being". Nicknames.

Who Am I? Unique, colorful, and I am a strong individual, but can find a quiet side of me, as well. I am a sucker for PDA's - - Like recently I had a dream that I was proposed to in the following way:

I was at a Vancouver Canucks game when there was an announcement, "Is there a CharleneAnn in the building? Stand up if you are here, the Mascot needs to find you at this time, as you have won a Vancouver Canuck's jersey, personally signed by Loungo!!!"

So I stand up and laugh, thinking, excellent!!!

The mascot comes running up to me and has a jersey rolled up into a tight little ball, I unravel it and a small box, rolls out, with loud applause, and on the screen there is "Will you marry me, CharleneAnn?"

Yessssss.

The announcement continues, "CharleneAnn, you have also won a trip for two to Las Vegas, with 5,000$ and a paid wedding at the Elvis Chapel!!! Leaving right now, the limosine awaits for you, and YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!"

The dream ends.

LOL

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I have joined Biggest Loser BootCamp - 2nd week of 12 weeks = AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So here is the dilemma I joined of course to lose weight & instead the trainer is like ummmmmmmmmmmmmm beyond HOT but ((there are always BUTS in such tellings LOL)) he was like born the year I grad from High School OMFG LMAO

But let's just describe the VERY YOUNG MAN shall we? Okay first off - - He's a damn Englishman... Secondly he has a girlfriend T/G or else there'd be moves & being embarrassed big time LOL

But let's just daydream shall we? Describe the young man? Okay I am turned on by a man's hands & he has the looooong fingers which I like - Perfect hands.

Tanned, which is because it's summer LOL

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly hair/sandy blond, perfect Osmond-size teeth and it's the eyes that have my thoughts bouncing all over the place. Teddy-bear brown eyes and cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly eyelashes.

Whenever he looks at me, the slowwwww smile begins and all that. & I just smile at him like an idiot.

So hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - A wee bit distracting LOL

But its just on my side - - But it is "FUN" to dream, hmmmmmmmmm?

Like today, I had a job interview for the art council of nanaimo and so i had put on minimal of makeup on - which is basically my fave; purple eye shadow and a bit of liner and so I would look more "alive" for the interview.

So I am working out on the recliner bike and Scott comes up and says, "I really like your eyes. Y'know, how you've done them today? Very nice."

I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the sentence, so he began to smile, that damned slow smile and said, "Very pretty, today, your eyes."

"Oh I had a job interview today so had to primp."

"Oh yes, I would like to tell you that I have read your entire facebook page, I was being nosy."

"OH?" Thinking ummmmmmmmm Why LOL

So I workout at the front to enjoy glances (MINE) at this cutey pie LOL and his slow smiles.

Which is just nuts. He's, I believe, living with a girl. Like he'd look at this old hag HAH

Hi Scott, care to go out? Catch a movie?

WHAT PART OF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND CHAR?

ummmmmmmmm All of it once you smile at me, so how about that movie and we begin something? And I replace that Canadian gal that got ya here in the first place?

YA RIGHT.

I drive a beatup Mazda I am going back to school/University to finish a degree I started basically WHEN he was born and yadda yadda yadda

And in all actuality, I could not sleep last night because he was in my bed last night allllllllllllllllll night long - At least everytime that I did fall asleep. So yes it was VERY restless.

DAMMIT. LOL

CUPID - THE TV SHOW

I am sure this TV Show will appeal to the masses - Due to a) The actor who plays Cupid is just adorable b) women will immediately "fall in love" with the concept of this show...

I was thrilled with tonight's show - The idea of a public/very public display of LOVE for another - - A notice on New Year's Eve/Times Square - Yah I am one of "those" girls that would love a public way of a declaration of Love.

My way? A hockey game - - Preferably a game where Wayne Gretzky would witness it LOL As he was my first young girl's choice of a groom HAHAHAHAH

And a singer/guitarist that declares his love for another - Who doesn't LOVE that concept? C'monnnnnnnnnnn... And with an Irish accent? Okay, sure.

I have enjoyed this show. And I am hooked.

I just wish Cupid would enter my world and help my lust/love life along HAH

I just seem that I have been 1 BIG PMS'ing bloated female for like the last 30 days straight...

Right now I am walking around with these HUMONGOID breasts - - Like FF's...

But the only bright spot is my Boxer - He has made it so much easier...

Amen.

It's a I Hate Being a Girl Day - -

Y'know you are PMS'ing When...

A hottie calls you to tell you he's on his way over for a bootie call - and by the time he arrives you are asleep due to the anti-pms'ing "drugs" you have taken thruout the day...

You walk around for the day with what it feels like water jugs on your chest

You can't make decisions because it feels like your brain is swimming within your head...

Oh and let's not go into the lower back pain...

Yeah its GREAT being a girl...

Now let me go cry again into my pillow ... groannnnn... **heavy sigh**

no photo 2day as i am typing this on my laptop...

i am wondering about the sanity of me lol really... here is why...

i am so not 16... 2x that is my age... yet my reaction 2 this situation is like that of a 16 t.o. GIRL...

i have been conversing w/a man that i 'KNEW' in h.s. - we had been conversing every day chats in fact of which i had started JUST 2 enjoy...

lately??? NOTHING nada... zip...zero... i write & ask wazzzzzzzzzzzzup? i quite lik(d) our fun chats... he writes back, relax, breathe, i am just very busy...

yet

i zoom around f'book & lookee lookee he's chatting up a storm w.every1 else sending videos pokes and whatnot... to mannnnnnny people and me??? zip nadda zilch...

this is a man 2 be my guide in 2010 of a foreign country/city...

yep i react like the 16 y.o. w/the crush i had on this lad way back when... UGH...

well i will a) retreat; 2 can 'play' that game b) let what will be - - be c) not write 2 him AGAIN until IF he writes to me - - i just hear that nauseating writer dude screaming; HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO U - - ughughugh

i so liked it when he was lol he was funny, witty, sarcastic and more in the chats - bummer... i miss him and our chats - -

we are both 2 be in the same province in july - whoopee - no invite or whatnot - yah yah not that into - -

SHUDDUP I HEAR U lol i get it ...

-charann
i lost out 2 a snuggie lol hahahahahaha

he probably is not a) that great of a kisser b) might... what will be, will be - TRUTHFULLY??? i'd love 4 him 2 surprise me w/a visit this summer - - YAH RIGHT

I find my exhaustive need for Control
is Weakening
Yet my desire for short term of any form is gone.
I have said good bye to my BoyToys
I have never felt so
Alone.
I reach out to another
He chooses another. How f'ly ironic ;)
I am
not enjoying that.
I dare to be open and what does it get me?
Silence from the other side.
Blah.
Bah.
Humbug
and all that.
I force all my hurt, pain and inner screams onto a canvas of reds, oranges and yellows - - all
Vibrant.
Solid lines all.
Nothing broken on my canvas - - all solid.
One heart I draw tho, off to the side, is jagged and sliding down to the bottom of the canvas and beyond
Johnny Cash sings in the background is apt.
Another quotes Budha; "We are the results of our thoughts."
Oh yes - is this meant as "I think, therefore I am..." ???
Therefore I think I am hurting, therefore I am.
Not for long as this canvas I press deeply with my fingertips, almost tearing through...
I outline a tear, deep into the canvas, far away from the broken heart, jagged too.
Ahhhh why do I?
Dare to care?
Even in this small way?
Far away I will run, back to the ocean, the sea, and its breezes.
With or without champagne.
Blurring it all? You say? Submerging it? Once again?
Oh but it is much better to be that way - - blurred and removed -
IF
my reality where you are concerned is
Hurt. You having chose another.
Blurred is a much saner choice.
Can't wait for the surfboard and the winds and the coldness of the ocean beneath my feet, board and riding...
The waves
Instead of a
Man.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
-charann

note to self - he no longer writes to me - SIGH

hey i can't sleep so thought that i would say hello to my handsome pal - how are you?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm - ok if you were here, you would find char hiding under covers of late, hating being a girl UGH, and needing a hug - friends hug don't they LOL hey i wanted to tell you i enjoy writing to you - i guess it is because a) you are married b) so that cancels out COMPLETELY the sexual tension lol c) so i can be relaxed and d) we will only meet in 2010 with a beginning - middle - ending e) no risk and i get to see a tremendously beautiful country on a bike with a handsome guide with NONE of that tension & who i can talk to & zero risk to char's heart so its only a win win situation :)

i love your replies because they are so very precise (so unlike mine LOL) so i learn from that & continue so we are friends and that is good...

you are lucky to be married - you have someone you can curl up to - that is the ONE thing that i miss from a relationship is the curling up with - just the "excitement" of crawling into bed & "knowing" there is a warm body there... that is cuddable... warm and very much into spooning LOL i know i know i am probably glorifying my long ago relationship but that ONE room was where we excelled - it was when we moved from that room it crumbled... but i miss the warmth of that ONE moment of crawling under a comforter time... having him already in bed, and walking into the room and mmmmmmmm... yah you are lucky to be married... that is my search lol someone who likes that too & of which the relationship doesn't crumble BEYOND that moment...

i guess what i find sexy about you which surprised the caca out of me - is how damn SMART you are - - ok this is char being complimentary and falling flat LMAO i so enjoy talking/chatting with you - so in that regard i am glad that there is none of the "other" tension so i CAN relax around you and not put THAT char into gear - okay this is not making sense to you - - you are my first male friend - - isn't that horrible? 42 and never a male FRIEND - - i always was the forward one and said, so ya wanna fuck or what? lol so this is all new to me - - pardon the stupidity but i am like a kid learning something very new HAH but i thoroughly ENJOY chatting with you - many times i feel left behind LOL so i TG for google LOL and persevere... but i think overall i do pretty well LOL the one thing you said that i am trying to revamp into my own characteristic BADLY is you let things happen - i so HAVE TO plan EVERYTHING (control sure LOL) down to the last detail - i think it is from living solo for so long or ?? so i am taking that into my meditative state and trying to coordinate that INTO me "somehow"

u are not going beyond mb borders are you when you visit? in july?

hmmmmmmm - i am looking at my today's agenda - - i hire a cleaning lady LOL isn't that horrible?? its like i am not FULLY female - - i am phobic about cleaning (((LONG story as to the why & VERY VERY VERY boring/sad/tragic))) so i instead give back to the local business by hiring locally and women only run cleaning agency :) also finishing more painting and tonight is my Grad. ceremony of which my dates are 4 women :) All new friends since I moved to Nanaimo...

mmmmmmmmmm... i am going to paint and watch the sun come up with a cup of java ...

i've attached another funny 4shawn LOL

write soon, tell me to breathe lol

and sorry but i try to write little emails to you but this is a SHORT one LOL you say the shawn of yesterday is gone but for me that smile helped me thru many a time LOL & now you are my email pal :) so its all good ...

take care, sent with a bear hug,
char

that will be my last email to the man - so "what shall be, will be" me thinks that he much more prefers the chocolate m&m's

Hello - -
I am thinking that I am going thru changes - Recently I had 2 men re-enter my world - Man No.1 is what I call my "BabyDaddy" as that is what he is. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant at 5 months along. Why did I not find out until so far along? Because I was an avid cyclist ((300+ km/day)) and I had long since no longer had the monthly. So to not have it for X amount of months was not noted, by me.

Then all of a sudden voila - - a kangaroo pouch :) No morning sickness either, just this lil' pouch that stopped me from being able to do up my jeans.

The Daddy disappeared with another, who was already pregnant - - Yea I "REALLY" knew how to pick 'em!!!

He re-entered my world recently - and I just sent him on his way - Explaining my reason why as I did so - - Basically that I always felt that he was with me but not "with" me - - I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder for something "better" "younger" "faster" LOL But you get the idea.

Not a comforting feeling for a potential long-term relationship.

Dude No.2 was a Pick-up - A VERY good looking pickup, but a pickup nonetheless. Which would be hours, and hours of hot sex. 6'2 and eyes of Striking blue. And dumb as dumb can be. The only game he could wrap his mind around was X and O's LOL So VERY good looking, hung and dumb LOL

I sent him on his way, telling him that I was looking for something more long term, steady and whatnot. The look on his face was definitely a kodak moment. I think he was dragging his jaw back to his van LOL

This was a man that help me christen every surface and shower/bath tub of my home. LOL Twice. HAH.

Yet I send him away?

So now I sit here SEXLESS or even the potential of fast/hard sex-less - AHHHHHHHHH I am a girl that loves sex SPONTANEOUS sex. The most memorable place I've had sex? The Revolving Restaurant/Vancouver elevator on the way down. We pressed the Emergency Stop button and yep - -

Or on a bar stool, just lifting my looooong skirt and slowly riding as he sipped his drink, sometimes unsteadily LOL I think his groan at the end and grabbing my hips gave it away LOL

So for me to send these 2 potentials away - - Who am I "becoming" ??? A dried up old spinster? Or opening the way to my SPECIAL one?

Right now I don't know as I paint my walls and wonder...

Char

Look into the mirror daily and say I LOVE YOU - and listen to the words that come up - - The negative ones - Listen for the voices that are going to come up that say why I don't love me - It will be hard - It won't feel true - - e.g. Too fat, family hates you - and say THANK YOU for supporting yourself and then say I thank you for your support but these beliefs no longer serve me any more. I am willing to change these beliefs and I am willing to honour and respect ME.

I respect myself and people love and respect me. - - BIG ONE.

Everyone I meet likes me and respects me.

Then move onto people that meet me love and respect me.

NEW MANTRA - I AM WILLING TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF to I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

This is a 3month transition.

Daily Mantra into the mirror.

The change will be to start doing and respecting oneself naturally.

Every day throughout the day. DAILY; minimum 5 - 6/day.

AFFIRMATIONS.

Carry around these thoughts in one's daytimer.

Listen to all kinds of things WILL come up e.g. Nobody will love me because I am too fat.

Basic is nobody will love you until you love yourself.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Another one of my dreams:

I was at the Prystupa farm - - Me, Terri, Traci (the twins) and Dave Prystupa. We had a steel-frame dune buggy that we were doing circular race with. Timed. At the beginning of the race C. Thomas Howell strapped you in - - Of today.

Why C. Thomas Howell? I don't know LOL It's a dream. So I am putting on the helmet, look up and its C. Thomas Howell looking down at me, and smiling. He quickly teaches me how to quick-shift and I am busy nodding and smiling (which he can't see, since I am now IN the helmet lol). I give the thumbs up and the flag is lowered for me to begin.

I race around the circular speedway and come to the end, and there is Christopher Aitkins (Atkins? of Blue Lagoon fame, waving me to the end. Christopher of Today.)

He tells me that my time is the best time of the day, and I jump out of the steel-framed dune buggy and grab him and kiss him. Of course, the helmet has "mysteriously" disappeared.

He gives me one of those "shy" Christopher smiles and life is good.

Where this dream came from, I don't kow. LOL

I had a dream last night - - The first time in a very very long time - -

Of my Grandmother Hanslip on my maternal side - - I was just a toddler - - And still, or rather, even then an individual on my own.

I waddled across the road, 4? 5? And walked into Grandma's open arms. I told her, "I miss you, I do."

She lifted me up and stroked my head and went, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, everything is going to be fine, soon."

She continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head as the dream faded away.

I am guessing that this dream is about my thinking/wondering if I should visit Manitoba or anywhere soon.

Or not.

I am trying to arrange a trip to see someone that I would very much like to see - - I hear news of another that knows this person as well and I have to pay for my trip yet this other person gets everything paid for by the person that I am wanting to see? Why?

I don't begin to understand people or their actions - - Why I must pay for everything yet this other person goes to the same place and everything is paid for?

I have not completely decided yet IF I am going there. Or staying home. Hibernating which I do very well.

I asked someone to be my escort to a family affair and he does not even think that my invite is worthy of a reply. Of yes or no or anything.

I am retreating and not talking to anyone for awhile. As I think this all over.

Goodbye.

Retreat is often the best means of Offense.

I am going to continue cycling and working out and doing what I do best; retreating.

Goodbye Mr. P and what never was. You told me that enough.

Goodbye Mr. T and what you never let be. Even when I offered as a Friend.
To you.

I do not know about you... But for me I have to do daily "lists" of what must be done for that particular today - -

Like for example, today's list consists of MUST do laundry ((all day job; own a dalmatian)), finish painting of floors and finish putting furniture back in place, goodwill of excess (which is allot) and grocery shopping.

All in one day - - yay!!!

Char

The things that one finds as one is doing a reno of one's home - -

Love Note from Jim - -

Transcribed verbatim;

August 18, - - - -

The day after our worst fight yet. God I hate even saying that, but it seems to be true. Will you never believe what I say? Is it that we have been apart for so many years that it doesn't seem real that I could all of a sudden have feelings for you now? If that is the case, I can understand it, but I am telling you that thought no longer applies. I have "developed" much stronger feelings than I thought I would. As I said last night, probably one of the main reasons, if a selfish one at that, is the knowledge of the feelings you have for me. Knowing that you love me now and thought about me for so long is one of the best feelings I could have. Now just because I said that, don't get the teenage idea that the only reason I like you is because you like me. Other reasons that I know you would love for me to say (and I will because they are true) are: 1) your independence; I don't like what you do some times for money but in an unfortunate way, I am proud of the fact that you have made 'ends meet' for a few years. 2) Yours looks; I think that you are very good looking, I like your big blue eyes and you look so cute when you brush your teeth. 3) Your laugh which I haven't heard enough of lately. You always make me feel good by laughing at all the stupid things I say. 4) Your nick-nacks; that's right your toys... everywhere... I'm not sure exactly why but it makes me feel that you are not lazy like me... you have a love for life that you always want to remember... nomatter if what you are doing is relatively low key, or is big, exciting or important. 5) Your birds and cat; it shows that you love animals and living things like I do. 6) Your attitude towards people; you are down-to-earth and certainly not stuck-up... you could befriend anybody... you are very friendly and you make people feel at ease by your warmth... although I think you could be a little less forgiving. 7) Your love for sex; I need not say much here except I hope you don't lose interest in sex... with me. 8) Your enjoyment of sports. I now realize for various reasons you haven't done too much activity since I came out, but what I mean is that you have a mind for athletics... some women are completely inept at throwing, running, jumping, catching etc. or they have no interest what-so-ever in watching sports. I know if we had the money we could participate in more and watch more. 9) The fact that you are not lazy; unlike me when you have to do something you simply do it, nothing said and no big deal. When I have something to do, everybody has to know and it's a big production... I could take some lessons. 10) Finally you are you. Everybody has faults and you have yours, but i didn't come out here for nothing. And I certainly wouldn't be staying here if I didn't want to. I left alot in Manitoba and I miss my friends and family that I have there, but right now I want to see if things can work between us... especially if we can find jobs. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that the only other girls in my life that mean anything are: Mom, Em, Kell, Coll and Ria. I'm just sorry I can't buy you a nick-nack like everybody else did to show that I care for you.
"Jim"
James Curtis Baldwin
aka "MyJimmy"

no comment from Char of Today

Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann

As one gets to a certain "age" and one's birthday passes one tends to reflect... At least I did on this past birthday - -

I took out my yearbooks of high school and I reflected... How far had I come? Really? And I found that lil' girl was quite lost and scared and all that. The signings of "friends" all showed how much of a boy-crazed gal I was - - When in reality I was love-starved. I was the joiner of Clubs - - To get the hell away from the abuse of the homefront.

My marks were shit, as I spent my days daydreaming of when I could LEAVE. That's it.

Recently a friend asked, what is the negative remark of another you have never let go of? Two actually - Both from the Father figures of my Life - Step-Father and Biological Father - SF: "You are INVISIBLE you will never make a ripple in this world, no matter what you do you are INVISIBLE, never mind how UGLY you are." So I carried that thru my adult life and teens to barrel thru life - - With noise and being the "crazy" one - Why? Because I was INVISIBLE - - No one was noticing Me.

The attachment of the UGLY did not hit until later - - As I spent my 20's modelling/petite modeling - - anything and everything - - Bikinis, lingerie and stripper clothes as the petite frame and DD's worked quite well with the attire. Everyone praised the beauty of Me. Yet did I hear it? NOPE.

After falling in love once, lust several times and all that, and all of the ramifications that brings - These men only reinforced the UGLINESS/INVISIBILITY I could not escape.

After that I literally "did" disappear hurt, tired and afraid. Comfort was food. And now I am me. No longer the Petite Model.

I have had an epiphany on this birthday - - I had lived my life/entire on what others' thought/described of ME. Where the hell was my Definition of ME?

As I listen to Olivia Newton John cd GRACE AND GRATITUDE - - one line sticks out "even broken birds sing" - - Hmmmmmmmm...

As I cry tears of the broken wing of the child within, I find the power to stand up at last. No longer eyes cast down, in shame, when I meet someone new.

Yes I am no longer thin - - That can change - - As the fire within begins again - - I am flawed, scared and no longer broken.

I am doing things S/F and Father would be shocked over - - But I am NOT doing it for **THEM** their approval no longer. It is for Me. To show the world ME.

Yes I am Unique, yes I am not like anyone else, and I tend to march to my own drummer, solo and all that, but get to know me - - I am pretty Awesome. My best quality? My door is always open for friends, coffee is always nearby, and as I am an insomniac you can also phone anytime **GRIN**

Just ask my Animals **silly grin**

Char
now I go back to ripping out my carpets and bless the new floor with tears of renewal as I have never done such a thing before but I am strong, I am Woman, and fuck you on the Invisibility!!! S/F lol I look around me and notice the many ways I am so NOT.

Oh sure I've made errors along the way - - And have regrets. Two people come straight to mind, but I can only "control" me and what will be, will be.

Back to the carpet and my cafe mocha :)