Saying GoodBye to a Friend That I "Knew" Since Age9

reaching out for YOUR help lol

okay GOAL is to shed shed shed shed the weight i've lost 8 lbs just going vegan since the new year -

so here are the exercise machines that i have at home - set me up with a routine and i will follow it faithfully because me in sadddd shape HELLLLP me my beautiful friend!!!
one rowing machine, one stationary bike, one treadmill machine and one elliptical machine - so there ya go - set up the routine and we will make char as beautiful as kk, yes?

okay on the other note, been clean so far for 2009 - - okay i do not know your history? re drugs-wise, but mine is i swam in them when i lived in vancouver - cost me my relationship with my biological father out here - don't know IF it can be mended lol hmmmm when he takes 23 S to Hawaii for Xmas and you sit at home ROFL freezin your ass off literally hahaha

love to you always,
char


Karen Kapchinsky
January 17 at 11:29am
Report Message
Hi honey
Its not all you you know. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I don't think your dad was that involved before and You don't need him or his approval. Remember the quote You above anyone else deserve your love and respect...I will bring a routione when I see you, but ithink you are ion the right path with the workouts and I hate the Vegan thing....We did not claw our way to the top of the food chain to eat cauliflower LOL
PS i'm not all that ...Just a little bit LOL

Charlene
January 17 at 12:50pm

okay right routine when we see each other lol i like my vegan thing hahaha it helps my digestion hahaha ((yah yah ME old)) lol

love to you,
char

yah yah i take it all on - - YOU never do anything wrong it's all about me hahaha

Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:00pm
Report Message
Hey you fucking psycho. what the fuck ????? you crazy bitch leave me alone do not contact me or anyone I know Or the repercussions will be severe and endless FUCKING FAT COW
Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:02pm
Report Message
Thank you for an outstanding time You owe me for ther room and drinks and lunch but I will take my paymwent in the form of you fucking off out of my life THANKS FATSO

wow??? i won't go into what she did in 24 hours that i am "glad to be rid of her"

cleansing day today - - removing all negativity and THAT definitely is NEGATIVITY i cried for an hour

Mmmmmm... A Fantasy o'Mine ((Or 3))

There are a couple of fantasies that are "sparked" by the above photo...

Quick background ((mine)) - Grew up in the Prairies - So "this" photo screamed at me in so many ways...

I have always "wanted" to do "it" in a wide open field - - And this photo just "screamed" at me - That hmmmmm, I should approach this man & give him a smile and reach for him and walk towards the open field and lie down and beckon to him... With a smile ...

Why? Mmmmmm... Just because ---

Or the other fantasy this invokes for me - - Is for this particular man to be my "Surprise" Lover - - In all my "secret" fantasies, late at night, as I can't fall asleep ((like now LOL)) - My fantasies always include the element of "surprise" - -

Eg. 1 - I am at a Nightclub - - & y'know when its that awkward moment when there is that ultimately stupid slow dance? & You are turning to go, yep, order another drink, since you are not with another?? But with your prowling girlfriends??? When just before I turn, there is a tap on my shoulder? And its this "man" from the photograph? & I smile at him and just feel Wonderful, and warm, and want...

More. & It just feels right? To be touched by this person? Just fit together?

Eg. 2 - In a hotel room, have ordered room service and having told them that I will be in the bubble bath, to just leave the champagne and dinner on the table and I will be down later to tip them and to lock the door as they leave?

Well - - The "room service" arrives and in my submerged state, of so many steamy bubbles, I hear the food and champagne being arranged onto the table and murmur thank you, as I hear him walk towards the door.

The door softly clicks shut and I further submerge myself into the bubbles, enjoying the sensation, and knowing I am going to have a fantabulous meal after I exit my soothing, hot tub.

I look up at the bathroom mirror and I see his blue eyes and I wonder if I am dreaming. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, wishing I had my alcohol, much nearer to the tub.

I open my eyes again, and he is sitting on the side of the tub. I smile and shake my head and say, in a soft voice, "Hello..."

Like its an everyday occurrence, and not 20 years and I am not naked beneath bubbles and he is in his jeans and a white shirt, so white, so clean and crisp and put together.

And I?

Naked beneath the bubbles.

I cannot seem to be able to either move or take another breath, as I watch him, silently.

He leans forward and I feel the bubbles move as I begin to shake.

The first kiss!!!

And I?

Naked, shaking, beneath the bubbles.

He smiles, as he leans closer, puts his tongue on my very dry lips and I moan, "ohhhhhh wowwwwwwww..."

Our first kiss ever and I have known him since I was 14. I continue to shake beneath his soft kiss.

I still can't breath, or I am not aware that I am.

He breaks off the kiss and glances down at me. Our eyes lock, and I murmur, "I've missed you."

Where the hell did that come from?

Having not seen this man for 20 years?

Now he thinks I am absolutely nuts.

I dare not move, speak or have I yet to breathe?

He watches me, watching him as he turns out the lights and lights candles, I had not notice him place into the room. The room feels very steamy and hot all of a sudden. I move beneath the bubbles.

Nervous like a new bride, scared like a first-time virgin.

Ohhhhh, wow, as he slides his jeans down. No briefs or otherwise, oh wowwwwww. He moves towards the tub and watches me, watching him.

Neither one of us speaks.

He moves over me and kisses me soundly.

I slide under the bubbles, not able to cope with the fullness of him, in anyway. Too much, too much, too much. Too fast, I can't breathe! Fathom all that is occurring.

I lift myself out of the water, and bubbles, and ask, "How are you here? Right now? I can't believe this!!! Tonight??? Oh not that it is not everything and more that I have thought about - Wanted for years - - "

Suddenly I realize I am babbling and stare up at his blue eyes, enjoying their blueness and his so curly eyelashes and watching them change expression 1000's of times, in one glance my way.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my heart beats. It is captured in one glance! Shit!!!

I decide to stay in the tub, and watch him, at the other end of it. I raise a leg and nudge him, expecting it to be "just" bubbles and just another one of my fantasies. Suddenly he reaches for my foot and kisses my inner sole.

Ohhhhh, wowwwww... I feel that light kiss in every fiber of my being.

I react by jumping out of the tub, wrapping myself in the complimentary robe and rush to the bed, wanting to put distance between me and what? The fantasy in my tub? He is surely not there? I have drank too much, and its just another fantasy - - Much more real than other times, but wow?

I cover myself with the comforter and feel the room spin. Vowing to never drink again, as this time it is giving me visions!!! Of a desired man, from my youth, of yesteryear? Who is shockingly more beautiful naked than even I imagined?

I close my eyes and think, yeah sleep. Nurturing sleep.

I lie on my tummy, partially covered by the comforter, and murmur, "You are sooooo not Here..."

Just before I fall into a dreamless sleep, I feel my hair being lifted and a soft kiss, placed upon my neck. That is my favourite way to begin - How did he know this?

Oh right, he's my Secret Fantasy!!! I decide to go with it, and murmur his name, telling him how much I want him.

He continues to kiss my back and I find, once again, I cannot breathe.

I feel him mount me, from behind, and I am suddenly moist and I just want him.

Inside - Fast.

Instead he moves deliberately slowly and I gyrate against him and say, "I hate you right now - - Very much so - - You control me right now and IHATEYOU - -"

I murmur his name as I explode.

I turn over and think that really he's NOT there? That I had fallen asleep, really?

He is there, smiling at me, with his right leg raised, sitting on the side of the bed, "Hello sleeping beauty."

I just begin to laugh and giggle and feel like a schoolgirl, once again. "I knew you would take over and it would be awesome. Now hand me my champagne so I can get some of my Courage back."

The champagne soothes as it goes down and he crawls in beside me and I curl around him and purr.

Yeah - - My fantasies ROCK. ROFL

So ...

Not.

Like he's in Thailand and I am here and I am in a hotel tomorrow night and - -

AS IF.

I have "discovered" the world of Facebook - and what it has taught me so far is the lives of my former high school mates - -

One in particular has shocked me - - Let's call her "Joanie" her story and mine were that her father and my step-father worked at the same place - Driving public transit.

Well her father, let's call him "Bob" suggested that we move to a HICK of a town as land prices were low, low crime, small town life, etc etc - So we did.

Joanie and I became great friends, and her little sister hung with my little brother. All good.

Until I turned 13 - When, after 8 years of abuse, I decided to leave - Hitch-hike away. Beyond my comprehension I was returned to the scene of the crime(s) (abuse).

Well "Bob" decided that I was now "soiled/dirty/not good enough" to be Joanie's pal and no longer were we allowed to visit together, be friends, etc etc In fact whenever Bob and Joanie would visit my home Bob would yell, "Joanie, get in here ((being the house)) get away from HER."

Her, of course, being me.

Well we drifted apart, and I spent about 3 months crying over the loss. It's a dramatic loss at 13. Two girls torn apart.

Well I discovered Wicca then and heaped spells upon spells upon the 2 of them - - Premise being I will show them!!!

Back to currently - - I have learned that "Joanie" went onto to marry one of the cutest boys in our school, let's call him "Lane". Well they went onto to marry, have children and separated (I think this is how it went?) He fell for another, Joanie publicly (via a local newspaper proclaimed her love) and Lane decided he wanted another - The other female chose her hubby instead - Lane shot himself.

OHWOW - I am still in shock. Now she is married to another man, and I can't believe her life story.

Kharma? I hope not. My spells belated? I surely hope not.

Wow Joanie Wow.

i have always, always been a "runner" when times get "rough" i am gone - - - it is a terrible trait to have - - really, to sustain anything long-term LOL

the first time i "ran" with significance was when i was 13 years of age - from a small prairie town - the first night i just ran thru the backyard field to the elementary school, shimmied up the airvents and sat on the school roof watching the people call my name and walk around, calling my name. The very next day, after I had slept on the roof, as it was a very warm summer night, I was quite bemused that not one person was "still" searching for me. Wow, 3 hours effort I was worth!!! That is what decided for me to continue my journey away.

I went to hiway 6 and headed south, winnipeg and went the wrong way first; east instead of west. LOL Then got back started the right way and ended up west, on my biological father's doorstep.

Which was another nightmare of another sort. Funny thing is I did not speak for 6 weeks other than monosyllabalic (sp?) words. 6 weeks. OBVIOUSLY some trauma there, but he sent me back to the trauma "unit" of it all.

Today? Or rather last night/early this a.m. I took off again. I just needed to "get the hell out of dodge" as "they" say. Last night I hung out with a girlfriend and she was in a very weird headspace I entered her abode and she was sitting there before her computer, for 2 hours of gameplay - - And I asked her once, wazzzup? She answered, "It's not all about you, always. Sometimes its my turn."

I thought sure and ambled off and text-messaged tons of people from my phone and sent msgs like Booty call please - - Sex is always a great releaser, minus the drug play I "promised" to give up due to accepting moving into my home from my Father - But sex with young men I will never give up LOL My much preferred drug choice hahaha

She started screaming at me, "Oh so you want it about you all the time?"

I just sat there and thought, wtf? I answered, "Ummmm, I am happy texting everyone, no worries here."

I continued, "Hey I made 140$ today in less than 2 hours, isn't that kewl? I designed a guy's webpage and he even gave me a 20$ tip he was so impressed."

She replied, "If you expect a wayTogo for every little GOOD thing you do, forget it."

I again thought, wtf, and answered, "I thought that was what friends were for? To pat ya on the back when you do well?"

"You should not come here EXPECTING that everytime you come over here."

I thought, Time to leave.

In more ways than one.

I packed up my pooch, my florescent pink backpack ((best present I ever was given from a friendWithbenefits friend - he obviously "understood" my inborn NEED to leave and leave often LOL Why not make it easier? Give her a Florescent pink backpack hahaha The big one that she can carry her small world on her back as she leaves.

Perhaps I should have stayed with that one?

I sit here on the Ferry and cry, ignoring the glances from other passengers, and wonder WTF? Why am I so scared to care? To be open and share? Me? Other than to the 4-legged creatures?

The fear was from my youth, something shut down then, never to return. Now I am trying to reach out to others and I just immediately f/it up from the get-go. I write innate things and wonder where did THAT come from? I tell people I care then I disappear in every way for a week. Yah actions speak louder than words, mmmmm?

Oh I want someone to be there for me, yet I can't be there for him? I run, run, run, that has not changed. From the age of 13.

F.

Dammmm

S.

And all the rest.

PMSing sucks. Wrecks havock on my brain/feelings and mannerisms. Drumming is what I will seek tonight. Drum beats equalling my heartbeat.

Oh I am going to visit someone next weekend. She scares the living s/out of me. She knows me too well - - that 13 year old kid. She "knows" the scared kid I was. How far have I come? Not that far, really.

Too many years of oblivion from the pain. Drugs were easy. Sex was easier. When you have DD's and are easy. Basically.

Will this trip cure the wanderlust? No.

Because it is running from the people I care.

About.

Damn.

Glad he is married and far, far away. I risk nothing really. It's safe. And I tease him that is him that chooses safe. I write him lots, knowing he is shackled, married and so far away.

Good.

Safe.

It is zero connection.

I

risk

Nothing.

Char

oh i had a conversation/cyber chat with the mr. p - and it was when i was coming home from class - burnt but i thought in excitement he wants to chat WITH MEEEEE

the feedback i want to say to him - - f/it i am sending him another message lol

char

can you tell of the confusion w/regards to this man? i walked with my dog for miles today just with a omg omg omg dunno

an style="font-style:italic;"> okay another day and another confusion about "men"

let me give you the breakdown of these 2 men - 1) is todd dennis - who is he to me? well for 4 years of h/s he was my tormentor - if it was rude, he said it my way - from gr.9, the very 1st day of school, he arranged it so that he was in my homeroom (& every homeroom thereinafter) & as we were seated alphabetically he was either in front of me or behind me ARGHHHHHHHH 4 years of this shadow dude lol okay it "sounds" swell but try it out sometime lol have someone follow you CONSTANTLY for the time of school hours... NOT fun... unless he is the school hunk/jock lol then it would be fun - todd was everything i was not - he excelled at math, i did not - he entered math contests, i entered same math contests to be able to do a protest of one and make my answers (remember those lil bars you had to color in???) i made my answers look like a butterfly lol he played chess - a game in which talking IS NOT allowed omg!!! & speed/timer is of the essence? he entered science fairs, i stole my cousin's idea and basically rehanded hers in LOL which confused me because she won at her school? etc etc everything todd was, i was not - oh i was in drama, he was the sound crew and lighting crew - closest we ever came to talking hahaha
so to current times - i have "found" todd dennis on facebook like 20 years late lol ahhhhhhh & he is the photo that you see - the headshot - not a bad looking fella **evil grin** oh backtrack, todd in h/s was all of 4'11 and maybe 80 lbs? yah the kick the sand in the face dude but his words were lethal, at least my way... but then he would turn around and be a first-rate flirt to every girl BUT me I would just seethe silently until 1 day I locked him in the locker YAH and left him, after changing locks haahaha
todd, i have read, is quite the decent guy... i have left numerous notes on his facebook page, once or twice even asking him to call - well i have done the 411 and have found his info - is it ever correct/ok for a girl to call a guy? me so confused about all this male-female "stuff" especially when the guy is the geek lol & you so hated him & want to see "IF" he's human after all?
the 2nd photo is shawn pchajek and yep, my crush for h/s - now? he lives in thailand is wanting to become like the dalai lama (sp?) & is a Buddhist - can Buddhist have sex? I dunno LOL My luck probably not hahaha Him? Beautiful man to me, physically and spiritually. If I could create a man for me, it would be Mr. Pchajek but he's a) in Thailand b) a Buddhist lol c) separated from a Japanese who is probably a size minus (which I no longer am lol) **sigh**

This male-female ying/yang thing is beyond me LOL

Char

the background of my email is shawn p (pictured) is my h/s classmate - of which i had a VERY secret "crush" on - i NEVER told him or even smiled at him - but i COULD tell you what he wore of every day of h/s & i could describe him head2toe - & even that he has the most beautiful smile & eyes (eyelashes too; they are the curliest i have ever seen!!!) BUT i never DARED to tell him this - just sat in classes that we shared QUIETLY and observed - & listened & observed him some more - never once in all of h/s did i tell him of my "crush" i just observed & wondered & daydreamed & having found him online - i told him of my crush & he was EXTREMELY POLITE & said I would have to keep on wondering - which is what an extremely diplomatic way of saying FOAD???????????? ouch ouch ouch he sent me the profile shot because that is how i remembered him - his left profile because that is where i sat ALWAYS where he was considered - 1 row over/left and 1 seat back and WATCHED & never spoke in english class - NOPE not once - just dreamily listened & watched & hoped that he would what???? Magically clue in? hahaha A 17-year-old boy CLUE IN? To an unspoken crush? Seated so very close? HAHAHAHA AS IF So this is my apology to him... I will find his original email or maybe not - He is very diplomatic and ohhhhhhhhhhh I was the foolish 17-year-old reaching out - With hope = IDIOT I AM lolololol **sigh**

Okay I have re-read your email that you sent to me and it has sunk in and the "you will have to keep wondering"

You are going to Japan to make up with someone that you very obviously care very much for.... I just wanted to take the time to apologize for my emails...

I just in my foolishness of schoolwork/tests/finals, not grasping what you were writing to me etc etc Just excuses really... And me "falling back in time" and having Shawn P. back "in" my life & my initial reaction(s) to you just came flooding back - The school girl crush (me2u) was really quite a) silent b) severe lol I could even describe you down to your eyelashes lol I would be able to pick you out in a crowd easily lol So me being the idiot I am expressed that and stupidly - I knew then Would never be reciprocated LOL

Besides you have a whole life - How could I say? Hey Shawn I would love to get to know you & see where it goes? You are in Thailand, quite settled and I am in B.C. quite unsettled LOL How could this be anything? Like what? Move to Thailand? Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the farthest I've been is Mexico where I knew "what" it would be like - Thailand woahhhh LOL I'd be like a kid - Scared and what? Everything NEW.

I knew IF I made the move or said anything to you - I'd make a complete ass/fool of myself and you'd look at me and probably a) not take me seriously b) outright LAFF at me or what I guessed was outright reject me and I would be devestated hahaha

So I give you my friendship and forget the girlcrush/mine and get to know the Shawn of today

I wish you luck daring to "try again" I've been that deeply in love with one man that I went back and he knew he could keep on coming back which he did intermittently until he finally walked away I cried I think for a year straight I wish you Happiness Shawn - I hope it works for you -

I remember you always smiling - And those eyes!!! I am sure I never made the same impression on you. Hardly. I was very insignificant female/person in H/S - I was K.K.'s shadow - I am trying to express myself correctly after too much weed - I think the best word is yes, crush or "smitten" I never really talked to you because I couldn't -

I would like to be your friend - Cyberly - I would be honored -

There I have apologized for my faux pas and ooooooooooops i did it again-ness You have a friend, you always have, I am just DARING to make it known - Besides I think it is fantastic that you are working on being with another - A male FRIEND is probably the best thing FOR ME. I've never had that - Isn't that sad? I've always changed it shockingly fast to let's f--- Then retreat. To my safety go away now zone.

I do not, nor did I ever want to do that with you. I was into meditation already and wicca in H/S and I was told you and I would never be "insignificant" and that was another reason I never communicated with you - Does any of this make sense?

Probably not - But I will send it anyways - She is a lucky girl/woman I hope she realizes the gift she is being given a 2nd Chance - Me? I never dared for a First Chance.

But I am your FRIEND, however you decide. Oh and for Xmas ? I would love a phone call Oh wait that is me being an IDIOT again LOL

K I am over and out - I am going to copy and paste this nonsense onto my blog and read it straight tomorrow LOL

I hope this gets a reply more than FOAD char **sigh**

charlene

i have, in my dreams, have had PAUL STANLEY perform this accoustically JUST ME AND HIM

suuuuuuuuure IF that were to occur I think I would just ummmmmmmmm die right then because I would not be able to breathe, talk, or move HAH

it's a DREAM of mine to MEET PAUL STANLEY one day - i WOULD SHAKE from head to toe

charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca

it's PAUL STANLEY video night LMAO

woooo wooooo

party of one hahahaa

PAUL STANLEY IS BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL

yah baby

a fan forever,

charlene

i hope this video works LOL

paul gets AAAAAAAAAAAAANGRY

HILARIOUS

GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE

YOUR FAN,

Charlene

News Bulletin:

Seven-times winner Lance Armstrong will make a Tour de France comeback next year, his spokesman told Reuters on Monday.

The 37-year-old rider announced in September he was coming out of retirement for the 2009 season.

A cancer survivor, Armstrong won the Tour for a record seven consecutive years from 1999-2005.

The American retired following his 2005 victory and has since devoted himself to the fight against cancer - raising funds and awareness through his foundation.

Armstrong, who will race for Astana, had already confirmed that he would race the Giro d'Italia, the Tour of Flanders and the Tour of California and several of the one-day classic races.

The Texas-born former road race world champion and bronze medalist from the Sydney Olympics in 2000, had said he would make his first race back in the Tour Down Under around Adelaide, Australia in January.

Armstrong has had a strained relationship with the Tour de France organizers, the Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), who said in October that his return would be "embarrassing."

The French daily newspaper L'Equipe, owned by ASO's parent company EPA (Editions Philippe Amaury), claimed three years ago that samples of Armstrong's urine from 1999 showed traces of the banned blood-boosting substance erythropoietin.

Armstrong, however, never tested positive and was cleared by a Dutch investigator appointed by the International Cycling Union.

The American has also questioned how safe he would be in France, expressing concerns about being targeted by fans.

I have bought a car from a neighbour who states he is a Mechanic for 28 years - and also he assured me that the car I was buying from him was in "Working Order" i.e. Fine in all aspects - Well I have paid for it and it is not "fine in all aspects" In fact, currently it sits in my driveway - The background is this - It seems that every 4th time that I drive it - It breaks down and starts to "smoke" 2x I have had the fantastic AND VERY/EXTREMELY POLITE N. firemen come to my Beater "fire" - Both times I have had sad car towed home UGH I called my seller/mechanic and he "fixed" it And yep, 4x later, no more go - Right now his answer is (and I am SO NOT a mechanic) "Due to the firemen's actions they caused a crack in the manifold" I believe is what he said? Well I talked to him/the mechanic on Thursday night last - And he ASSURED me that he would work on the vehicle - Picking it up Saturday and DEFINITELY SUNDAY - To lift the entire engine out and see DEFINITELY what the problem is EXACTLY? Well ummmm - Nothing has occurred? Car has not moved from my driveway?

My question is this - How many times do I ask him to "fix" this car? Or when is it beyond the limits? Of you are an #^$&&*$^%#$^$# and I want my cash back? I have never "bought" a car privately before so I REALLY do not know the "rules" in a private sale????

I am really confused here and I am a student so the funds are limited and went with this vehicle on his assurances etc etc?

Thanks for listening...

Author: Charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing? NO

2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? I tried once when I was 13 "to hang out with the kewl kids" outside and nearly died IMMEDIATELY have never tried once since...

3. Do you own a gun? NO

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop? Cappucino - iced.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? NO

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Great in the summertime, cooked on my potbelly stove.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Lil' Drummer Boy sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee

9. Can you do pushups? ARE YOU KIDDING? LOL

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Not a fan.

11. Favorite hobby? Art or gardening.

12. Do you have ADD? Yes and it shows up at strange times...

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? my temper

14. Middle name? ann

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. class is today, will i finish and complete this course successfully and will i get a job afterwards.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? chai tea sprite coffee

17. Current worry? Finances and weight equally.

18. Current hate right now? I don't hate, but I feel it from my family/Paternal side.

19. Favorite place to be? In my garden.

20. How did you ring in the new year? STAYED HOME! ATE PIZZA WATCH TV ((hate being single lol))

21. Like to travel? yes but finances stop that dream


22. Do you own slippers? YES

23. What color shirt are you wearing? it's 6:48 a.m. still in pj's lol

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

25. Can you whistle? A LITTLE

26. Favorite singers/bands? kiss, daniel wesley, redcell, trance... dance

27.Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? yes i am very stubborn

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? songs that i heard that day... or listened to on my ipod

29. Favorite boy's names? luke anthony

30. What's in your pocket right now? NO POCKETS

31. Last thing that made you laugh? videos on uTube


32. Worst injury/illness you've ever had? back injury - still maintaining it with pain medication

32. Do you love where you live? YES

33. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1, saving up fr another

34. Who is your loudest friend? don't have

35. Does someone have a crush on you? IF SO, I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS!

36. What is your favorite book? i love all books

37. What is your favorite candy? chocolate covered coffee beans

38. Favorite Sports Team? Anywhere Wayne Gretzky is.

38. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? reading a true crime book by anne rule

39. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today? class today, better not forget any items for it

ok i HAVE to share "my et moment" when ET the movie came out I had just turned 16 and had my driver's licence = wanting to drive everywhere - well for my brother's 13 b'day i took/DROVE him to the movie of ET - JUST HIM AND I - VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: my brother chris was turning 13 - soooooooooooooo we get to the movie - all was well UNTIL the scene where et & elliott are touching the fingers and the movie theater is hushed...

until...

my brother STANDS UP and BURPS the ALPHABET

needless to say older sister never took BROTHER to any PUBLIC place again LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Author: Charlene

Nanaimo Coffee Date Night - I'm So There!!!
Share
Today at 10:06pm | Edit Note | Delete
Nanaimo Coffee evening ... November 21st 2008 6:30pm

WHO: ANYONE WELCOME, Come one, come all
WHY: Because i said so DAMMIT!
WHAT: Um COFFEE, chai tea, mocha, discussions, but more importantly DESSERTS!!
WHERE: The Buzz Coffee House
unit #1 - 4515 Uplands Drive
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Canada V9T 6M8
250-758-2881

I just had the worst day ever - I did not know what or rather HOW to take it -

I am currently in a class up at University - An Adult Education class - So the hours are warped and whatnot and not really regulated or anything...

So we had a discussion 2day about it and I piped up etc etc

Then as I was clearing my desk to end the day, a classmate of mine turned and asked me, "Are you on Medication?"

I was like, "Pardon Me?"

"Like for your ADHD."

"Oh so now after just these few classes you are not only a Doctor BUT A PSYCHIATRIST?"

"Well I was just wondering if you were, if not, you should be, if you are are, it should be upped - The dosage I mean."

"PARDON ME?"

I wanted to shake her -

PARDON ME

If my life is not

Set up PERFECTLY - Engaged and still living at home etc etc and at 18, (her) life being PERFECTLY organized and planned.

Well SORRY MISSY my life is not as Perfect as Yours Nor am I as Self-Contained as You etc etc Or whatnot - What a F'G putdown.

I am so moving on Monday.

Medication. And I am never speaking again in class. NOPE. Medication my ass.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I am going to the Gym and forgetting this day ever happened.

Charlene

I had a great lunch with another classmate. She is a smart cookie.

ADHD AND PROUD lol

Charlene

omg i so can't sleep tonight... it's like 1030 at night and I am like fullllllllll of energy I think its called being in HEAT hahahaha ohhhhhhhhhhh I would so love to be in a relationship at this time... Xmas is the time when I HATE being single I love havin someone to buy a goofy present for I love finding that SUPERSPECIAL gift for my SUPERSPECIAL someone OMFG it's been so long and so long since I woke up with someone that said ILOVEYOU to me first off to start the day... I am thinking that it is because it is close to Jim Baldwin's Birthday i.e. November 17th and he was my Man my Main Man of Love
The photos I have attached to this posting is Billy Idol live in concert First concert I ever saw With Steve Stephens as his lead guitarist and I just about fainted when I saw Billy Idol in TIGHT TIGHT leather tie down pants and bulging I was 16 and a virgin and Billy was the Anti-Virgin LMAO omg I remember just being mesmerized and standing there with my best friend K.K. and her groovin and me just about losin it right there He asked us to throw our bras onto the stage and be "free" We did so and danced most of the concert utterly topless
The other picture is a guy I have never had and always have wanted to see NEKID once LMAO Booty call PLEASE MO Hasn't occurred because of his identical twin Chris BLAH
So I will visit Mr. Showerhead tonight HAHAHAHA shit hahaha
HELLO anyone want a gal that is full of energy ????? pENT up energy hahaha

Okay back to my elliptical machine... To burn off the "energy" in another way SHIT lol Not my first choice hahahaha
Charlene

Each room of my home is decorated in a different theme -
Bedroom - Stars/Moons, DreamCatchers "Think SleepTime"
Bathroom - Ocean Theme - just finished painting it "ocean blue" and tons of shells, fishees and whatnots everywhere
Spare Room - Is my Costume Room; I work as a Singing Telegram Performer so costumes/clowns etc there
Computer room - Has on the walls all my CD's I have signed from Bands/Artists I have seen thru out the years
Living Room - Art; mine and others
Kitchen - Plants and More Plants & Dalmatians (believe it or not it goes together LOL)
Dining room - Yellow and more plants and art
Okay you have just visited my Home
Hope you "enjoyed" the visit
**SMILE**

Author: Charlene

I perform Singing Telegrams and am willing to do reduced rates for Single Moms or Dads **SMILE** Or even for swaps of Clothes (always need costumes, or BOOTS BOOTS BOOTS lol) Or for pottery/large or Dreamcatchers or garden gnomes/knick knacks or even landscaping work - So I am sure we can work something out!!!!! Available for Kid's parties, adult parties or even just a Singing telegram to your Office!!! Many many costumes available... Number one is a Gorillagram on Rollerskates!!! 753-5830 Shawna's Entertainment

Hello -

I was just watching a movie with Brendan Fraser and Matt Damon in which Damon is anti-semitic (sp?) and the movie is set in 1955.

It made me sit down and think. I have never dated a Jewish male. Does that make me the same? I just have never met a Jew - I have stepped into a Synagogue ONCE in my life - When I went to one in Vancouver to listen to "The Fonz" aka Henry Winkler speak.

For me Mr. Winkler was The Fonz and that was "it" for me. He spoke for quite awhile and I never laffed so much in my life. Other than noticing how **VERY** good looking Henry is in person and his perfect teeth/smile. That we were the same height/almost

But that he is a GREAT guy

I took time to listen - Did not get all the Jewish jokes - Jewish Princess and all that - But loved the Fonzie stories.

After the speech I sat and watched everyone and reflected - Why are these people as a Whole so hated? Detested? The Holocaust occurred and One lil' weasel of a man wanted to destroy these people?

I left with more questions, and still have, and no I still have not dated a Jewish man. LOL I have not met one. I don't think???

The only other time I came "close" to Jews was only fictionally - I was an extra in a movie and 4 guys, other extras, were dressed as Jewish men in their black garb and hats and "wigs" i.e. ringlets and flat, black hair. Wait it's not a HAT lol

Wow I am so uneducated Forgive me. But the movie made me think. That is a good thing yes?

The only thing I otherwise knew is Jewish men don't get circumsized LOL Or don't celebrate Xmas which as a kid sucked Big Time Okay that was a BIG bad joke.

Well that is my ramble for this evening...

Charlene

Daydreaming/Writing Today's Thoughts...

wow u bedards/males of note (for me always) luc and pedro-man have soooooooo turned out sooooooooo differently than expected ESPECIALLY luc lol i thought he would be allot of things but not what he has become i am not going to ask how many HE has of tattoos hahaha i have ONE and i designed it myself after my last long-term breakup... blah it was/is to brighten my days ALWAYS tonight? i am stoned, working and listening to george meichel wait no i picked up a lawyer today ROFL so got the itch scratched hahaha at the gym OMG i am so bad hahaha love you always pedro man hahaha charlene i always remember fooling around in the shower with your WHOLE family home OMG hahaha that was NUTS NUTS NUTS but i thought i was "in lub wif the pedro man" so you had me wrapped around your finger and so did all your brothers hahaha until luc was RUDE RUDE RUDE to me and made cry all the way home driving home once then he no longer existed for me HAHAHA

oh wait i can remember you screaming after OMG she cut it off hahaha since a SURPRISE visitor arrived during and yah pedro being pedro had to ANNOUNCE it to the world i just ignored you as best as i could LMAO with a kazillion bedards bugging me hahahaha luc was never too far behind how we never had a menage e trois i will never know wait u 2 must have done that a few times? i am sure? he was close enough whenever i was around hahahaha your baby brother was my fave tho such a cutey and so NOT a loud bedard LMAOOOOOOOO where did he come from hahaha okay enough stoned rambling lol oh i am sitting in front of the fire as well... i threw in a ton of incense into it so it smells rather interesting LOL wow my fri night rocks eh? hahaha your pal forever with love, charlene

the story behind "Pedro Bedard" is that I joined the 735 Communications Reserves" when I was a VERY GREEN 16 year old - Just new to EVERYTHING - - Driving, life, EVERYTHING

Well I joined and met a group of people I would have never met otherwise. The Reserves was home to a variety of ages and I was one of the 2 youngest girls in the group.

I was a Private and very shortly met a Corporal Bedard. Soon to become Pedro or Pedro-Man whenever I wanted to tease him. Well he came from a French Roman Catholic family of 4 and Mom and Dad and so me coming from just me and my bro... It was a very loud household I was entering.

Boisterious IS not the word for the Bedards Happy Joyous High Energy Loud lolol All of that and more. Pedro and Luc were like 9 months apart in birth and so were very alike. Although Pedro caught my heart. BIG TIME. With his silly grin and out-of-this-world sense of humour.

Crazy from the get go. I felt like I stepped onto a rollercoaster and I did not know where the Stop button was.

I just thought Pedro was marvelous and he loved to get me to do things (as me being so "GREEN") And he would put his beret on and say that he was now the Corporal Bedard and I should listen. Needless to say he had not a stitch on otherwise so that command went NOWHERE.

We were fooling around in the basement of his parent's home and everyone had their bedrooms (kids that is) in the basement so Pedro and I having sex amidst that, looking back, is NUTS hahahaha Fast sex everytime Was it loud? I don't remember being LOUD but Luc would mimick me right afterwards So I guess so DAMN hahahaha Or maybe he had his ear to the door Stupid idiot he is hahaha

Was Pedro my first love? He was my only CAREFREE love. No restrictions. There. I just remember being so very happy with him. Who dumped who? We just seemed to peter out. I don't remember a discussion of Go away Char or Go away Pedro LOL Nope. LOL

The KISS That Changed My Life...

Wow THE KISS that immediately comes to mind with such a heading is...

My very very very very very BESTEST kiss ever - Is the following;

I had "just" in the last year moved to B.C. and had not given up very much from Manitoba - A particular MAN in particular... Jim Baldwin - James Curtis Baldwin...

I flew back to Manitoba to see Jim and this was when he was attending University of Manitoba... To become a teacher. To save expenses, he was on a student loan, and STARVING lol He was living in a VERY VERY VERY illegal suite, a one room in a basement of a very dated/small house. But the basement had a shower in the hallway...

After fooling around for a 6 hour HELLO I MISSED YOU VERY MUCH sex, we decided to shower At like what? 4 a.m.? I was extremely drowsy at that point, having flown 1/2 way across Canada to see this man hahahaha

I remember I was drowsily/sleepily leaning against the wall, not paying much attention to Jim at that point, wish he would turn the shower on HOT when he did so and the steam rose...

And then...

He lifted my hair, which was at that point almost touching my ass-long, and planted a steamy/wet kiss on the back of my neck.

Two things occurred right then. I fell INLOVE with Jim right then... And I asked him to move in with me.

Oh the power of a KISS hahahah Placed appropriately HAHAHAHA

Charlene
((it's his birthday on the 17th of November)) as he was MY FIRST "everything" first serious relationship, first sex, first date yadda yadda first man to "live with" first man to propose to me etc etc I will never "forget" him

Miss you Jim... Miss you badly.

"Angels" enter our world in very subtle ways and speak Volumes...

Today I was driving to University... Thinking I would grab a bite... And then class and it's all good

RIGHT.

I own a Beater. A cute Beater. But a Beater.

Well it decided to burn off it's something or other LOL(I am tired can't think right now) but once this round coil/band is burnt off the car no longer runs And the car Screams while it is burning off SMOKES and all that. Well when I drive this is what I do:
1) Turn on car
2) Turn on CD Player Adjust volume/bass
3) Drive HAHAHAH

FAST

Well I noticed that hey there was SMOKE and lots of it INSIDE my car - My beater is a FIERO and it was almost on FIRE-O lol

So I coasted to a stop conveniently at a stop sign... And all of a sudden there were MEN everywhere - One with a fire extinguisher, another with a cell phone and another there to help push me to the side of the road. WOW. So fast hahahaha

Then very handsome FIREMEN YUMMMMY FIREMEN - Secret Fetish that Uniform for me hahahahah

Extinguishers and masks and the whole bit WOW

The Captain was all of 6'2, blonde and blue eyed and missed the hint when I said I was single DRATS hahaha

Oh right back to the Angel bit - -

Well the guy that was with the fire extinguisher was an older guy and was quite the Dad hahaha Asking me over and over if I was okay then after I phoned for "help" he offered me a ride home and we got to talking and during the ride home he said, after I confessed I did not know what to do about the car with it continuing to break down but working "every now and then" he told me; "When your head tells you something and your heart agrees, ALWAYS GO WITH THAT THOUGHT... In other words if your head and heart don't match, DON'T DO IT. Life is that simple. That is what you are to learn from meeting me today."

I just stared at him. Okayyyyyyyyyyyy.

Well my heart AND head tells me to KEEP the car even tho it is breaking down and crashing LOL That "one" day it will be a keeper and a damn good car Just right now it has been sitting for a year and the parts that WILL break down WILL and besides, I have bought it from a Mechanic "Ian" and he is teaching me how to FIX IT as it slowly lets the old parts go LOLOLOLOL

So I am learning MORE about a car rather than just turning a key on and DRIVING shit LOLOLOLOL

Angels enter fast at times and speak loudly

Oh the other thing we talked about was I told him about me He talked faster than me UNBELIEVABLY lol and I answered him and said I have been single for 7 years, after he told me he was married with 6 grand kids of various ages. I said I was about to give up. He said Give up, quit searching actively and that is when you will meet someone.

Fine.

I am throwing it "out there" into the Universe - Hear ME. I am Single. I am bored with that concept. I am outgoing, artistic, love animals, art, shopping, gardening, driving fast cars and 4X4's (my DREAM CAR is a BLACK JEEP with HUGE tires, a BOOM BOX/STERE0 to die for, roll bar, the lights on the roll bar and BIG JEEP) lol Silver cute rims on the tires. Got the idea? I have never planned life and I never will. Hear Me Universe. I want a Man, in my Life. In 2009. Of which is a handful too. But trustworthy and cuddly and funny and that's about it LOL

So there ya Go Universe HEAR MY CALL I am no longer ACTIVELY SEARCHING I am just tossing it out there and tomorrow I am going to toss it out there literally into the ocean in a wine bottle that I am single and available and my email ROFL I live ON the ocean might as well use it to MY advantage Wait is that ACTIVELY searching still SHIT hahahaha

Night night

Charlene

What I learnt from being a "Mom" for a WHOLE 24 hours -

Shayna was missing her mom BIG TIME and was so very very very worried about her - I just stood there and thought Wow I have not talked to my biological mother for like 12 years? And I don't even give her a Thought? And yet Shayna, young Shayna is in tears over her Mom having an operation for cysts? Gone "only" overnight?

It made me sit down and think Why? Do I have so very little regard for my Biological Parents? REALLY? Caring was beaten out of me That's why.

Perhaps that is why my adult relationships Sour? So damn quickly? Or don't even begin? My heart, soul, fire was extinguished as a child? By every parent that I had? UGH.

How does one learn as an Adult to open one self up to caring? To the point of crying over another's welfare?

I cry over my pets when they are hurt. But I can't remember crying over a human being for a VERY freaky long time.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm...

Well, well... I have not had really "anything" to write of late... Besides that I am school for Medical Transcriptionist training Therefore TYPING is not UP on my list for priorities hahahaha As that is what I am doing "in" class...
Well these next 48 hours I am "babysitting" for a girlfriend... Her daughter, Shayna... Overnight as Pam/Mom is in the hospital for 48 hours AHHHHHHHHHHH As I have opted NOT to be a Mother... This is going to be a REALITY CHECK big time... Okay okay Yeah sleep time is easy time, right? HOPEFULLY...
Shayna is a great kid... Beautiful, smart as a whip... And the bigger test is on Wednesday I get to be Mom Taxi hahahaha Orthodontist appointment time AHHHHH So braces are being taken off 90 minute downtime then back for retainer Okay sooooooo that will be MOM day for me BIG TIME hahahaha
Okay all you EVERY DAY dayIN dayOUT Moms reading this will be going WHATEVER But if you have NEVER been a Mom anxiety attack in advance here happening hahahahaha Get her there ONTIME feedher GOOD food etc etc
Okay all together now; AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My Horoscope for Today;

New experiences have the power to transform our lives. When we have the desire to do something more daring than we have before, it is often because we feel the need to change some aspect of our life – new experiences infuse our experiences with something that goes beyond our ordinary routine, allowing us to view the world in an entirely different way. Even if we are not an intrepid type of person, we will still benefit from engaging in a simple change. Pursuing new interests today will both make your life much more exciting and help you see just how many fascinating things there are to learn about and experience.

To get away from my depression I have to setup daily "GOALS" Which are quite minute, from others' perspectives, but BIG STEPS for me -

Today's Goals are;

Completely Clean Home; make it "smell" clean which includes laundry, overall cleaning
Begin to paint bathroom; sea/ocean blue. Continue sea theme of bathroom.

Those are the goals for today PLUS enter contests. I am VERY happy to say that I have made some friends/new and they are travel junkees. But like me, are of limited income. Now I am going to enter TRAVEL contests and hopefully will win some to share with them. Now I have travel partners will be AWESOME to win!!!

One step at a time, to remove myself from Depression.

Hugs,

Charlene

Dear Blog -

This is the first time that I have written this or rather, admitted it, I suffer from Depression.

And obesity. That is me in the picture. 40 and Obese. And Depressed and Single. I am going to wake up tomorrow and change it.

I am going to remove the Weight. I have 7 pieces of fitness equipment and I look at them daily.

I am going to be writing daily and I need feedback people. If anyone reads this. 250-753-5853 or chargirl90210@yahoo.ca Send me letters of GO GIRL

I know where my Depression starts from. Began. Abusive/verbally, Fathers. Both my Biological Father and my Step-Father. Of which I was strong enough to remove myself from the Abusive Step-Father and then I moved closer to my Father and he was a thousand times worse.

I could go on and on how my Biological Father was verbally abusive.

I am removing myself from Him, completely. To grow, heal and love myself. Some of the things he "did" to me and yes, I let him, was let me name a few of the things...

When I first moved to the same town as him, I was model thin and I enjoyed my body. Like all model-thin females, VERY/EXTREMELY proud of that thin-ness. Due to me being hyper-active as a child and continuing into my early adulthood. One Hall-o-ween I decided to dress as a Slutty-Vampiress. I wore my Father's housecoat which looked like something like from Star Wars and ObiWan would wear. Dark brown and with the hood. Underneath I wore a French Maid outfit, pink with white string. Garters and white stockings. And naughty black boots, over the knees.

My Father, the Dentist made me fangs and dipped them in gold and made them so they would retract whenever I would close my mouth and you would see them again when I either opened my mouth, or smiled. And it went white fang, gold, blood on the tips (fake of course LOL). Tres cool.

Well I won a Texas Mickey for my costume ((who doesn't love a Good slut?? LOL)) And I brought it home and when I got home my Father wanted to take pictures of me - But they were never going to see the light of day of the "Family" Photo album. I, being quite drunk, listened to my Beloved Father tell me to pose MORE PROVOCATIVELY and "show some skin" Well I did.

Other things he did thru the years? And after this writing Dispensed with, ... I showed up at Xmas to receive my ONE gift (never something I ever wanted) and my step-sister would get 18 gifts. Her birthday would be remembered I would get a birthday card, 3 months later.

It would be hysterically funny if this Biological Father spread his seed thruout the land SUCCESSFULLY but I am his ONLY off-spring.

He chose to give my Grandmother's car to my step-sister.

This year all the family/clan are going to Hawaii for Xmas AND I AM NOT INVITED. Yet he helped out my step-sister to make sure she could "afford" to fly to Hawaii - We are WestCoast Canada.

I was not invited.

He chose my step-mother over me, when she said Don't talk to your Daughter ever again, he went along with it quite easily.

Whenever he comes over to my home He tells me to keep it clean so it can be resold successfully. Yet other people he has bought them their "starter" homes and I get to be a cheap renter.

Good bye Father I need to heal.

From you.

Oh the other thing he did? Which I still can't fathom. Is he sent over a woman, named Germaine to befriend me and loaded her down with questions he always wanted known. From me. Well she went back with her impressions of me after 4 days of instantly being my best friend - My Father came back with the impression that everything I had said to him, since I moved here, was total lies.

I laughed at him.

The one person on this planet I HAVE NEVER LIED TO IS HIM.

The sad/tragedy in this situation is that I LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MAN He said Jump? I jumped Fucking High and 5X.

I never had an original thought in my adult life once I moved closer to him. I literally lived for him. That's it. He said he did not like my boyfriend, live-in, whatever, I dropped him that fast.

Well I am taking my first Deep breath and I am scared about tomorrow. Solo. But I am open for the newness of tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I am alone but for my dog, the Dalmatian featured and my cat. But I have a roof over my head and depression I am going to conquer.

Me.

Hello everyone,
the Nanaimo Art Gallery is pleased to announce that our Banner Auction 2008 is now underway. All of this years banners are now on our website
www.nanaimoartgallery.com
click on the link and follow the website to our Banner Festival Header and then
look to the drop down menu for Banner auction to view this years entries. To make a bid contact us by email at
info@nanaimogallery.ca
or by
telephone (250) 740-6350.
The Banner Auction runs until November 8th,2008 5:00 pm and at this time all bids will be final. Banner purchases must be picked up by December 17, 2008. No banners will be available for pickup after that date.

I am CHARLENE

Please bid!!! All monies raised goes towards the future of banner programs continuing...

Thanks,

Charlene
The photo is ONE of my Banners... :)

The Base of the Matter; Describes the inner & outer situation, drive, instinct or aspiration which is really behind the apparant surface situation reflected by the Crowning Card. i.e. The root of the psyche, & often this card comes as a Surprise to the Seeker ((unconcious motivation)). THE MAGICIAN - Here we meet the god Hermes, guide of travellers, patron of thieves & liars, ruler of magic/divination, bringer of sudden good luck & changes in fortune.
On an inner level, Hermes, the Magician, is the guide. This means somewhere w/in us, no matter how lost or confused we might be at any point in life, there is something w/in which has foresight & resources which are often hidden from consciousness but which can divine what direction to take & what choices to make. The Magician often comes in the night, often in the form of disturbing dreams, or in the guise of a meeting w/anothe person who turns out toe be somehow significant as a catalyst on 1's journey. Or as a hunch, or as a sudden visit from a long-unseen friend.
The Magician, points to potential skills & creative abilities which have not yet manifested. He may appear as an upsurge of NRG & an intuition of exciting new oppurtunities. A new journey is possible, & 1 has capacities which have yet to be developed.
Past Influences; Inner & outer situation which is now passing out of the seeker's life. In the past it was N.B., but now it has lost its potency. The seeker needs to be able to let go of whatever this card represents before the new future developments can be integrated creatively into life.

TAROT CARD READING - Based on My Question - Will I find Love in the Next Year?

Significator - - The 3 of Swords is a sorrowful card, because the strife or conflict impending in the 2 has at last erupted & come out into the open. Thus the theme of initial completion which links all the 3s in the Minor Arcana is here reflected in a painful situation, where some separation or heartbreak has revealed itself. Yet while it is painful, this card, which is undoubtedly a difficult one, represents a release of energy, for at least there is movement from the stagnant & unpleasant tension of the 2. Whatever has happened is in some way necessary, because something is at work which requires such conflict before it can unfold to its eventual creative end. Here Clytemnestra has had her revenge, & this revenge was inevitable from the moment that Agamemmnon chose his own glory over the life of his daughter. Something set in motion in the past comes to fruition in the meaning of the curse in Greek myth: not a spell or bad fate cast by cast by some capricious god, but the inevitable working out of the consequences of human choice over time, which sooner or later will result in heartbreak or conflict when the bill comes due.
The sorrowful vision of the 3 of Swords thus brings w/it a feeling of relief, for the poison has come out, & therefore a chance of future healing becomes possible. Resentments which have remained subterranean because we are fightened of conflict & anger have a way of bursting through at last, but often through the next generation, who are forced to act out the problems which the preceding ones refused to face. Unpleasant though the 3 of Swords is, it is nevertheless a creative step from the 2, & an ultimate resolution is now possible.

Crossing Card; describes the situation; inner & outer - - which is generating conflict & obstruction in the immediate present - - The 4 of Wands is a card of harvest & reward. The challenge of a new creative idea has been met, hard work has been applied, & now the individual can reap the solid reward which has been earned through effort. Like the 3 of Wands, this card implies something worth celebrating, but unlike the 3, it has a more solid base, & benefits are already evident. The challenge of capturing the Golden Fleece is a daunting one; how can one man alone sail to the ends of the earth, & in what? Jason has responded to this challenge by gathering around him those friends who can help him to achieve his aims. All these heroes in the myth have different skills, according to their natures. Heracles has strength; Theseus, a fiery adventurer like Jason, has creative vision; the Twins have the cutting edge of the clever mind, & Orpheus has the deep feeling & empathy to disarm any foe. Whether we take these friends as real people whose support we can enlist, or as inner resources upon which we can draw, at this stage of the process of creative work the help is available by which the goal can be reached. W/such an heroic crew gathered, & such a splendid ship built, for Jason satisfaction is in order.
On a divinatory level, the 4 of Wands augurs a time of reward for efforts made. A creative idea has yielded early fruit, & the individual has every right to celebrate the concrete results of his or her efforts. But this is only one stage of the journey, & soon the ship must set sail & face the hardest challenges before the final goal is reached.

Crowning Card; immediate atmosphere & situation which hangs over 1 - Strength - - Here we meet the great warrior Heracles, called Hercules by the Romans, who in myth was the most invincible of heroes. On an inner level, Heracles battling the Nemean Lion is an image of the problem of containing the powerful & savage beat w/in us, while still preserving those animal qualities which are creative & vital. The lion is a special kind of beast, & reflects a different aspect of the human psyche than do the wilful horses in the card of Chariot. The lion in myth has always been associated w/royalty, even when it is at its most destructive, & this king of beasts is an image of the infantile., savage & totally egocentric beginnings of a unique individuality. Thus, the Nemean Lion is not wholly evil, but possesses a magical skin which can offer invincibility. This invincibility is connected w/the sense of inner permanence which comes from a solid sense of "me." When we wear the skin of the lion which we have conquered, the ipinions of others - the great They who strike such fear into hearts of the timid - - mean little, for we are amoured in our own indestructible sense of identity.
However promising its potential, the lion is savage & vicious in its animal form. This side of a person unleashed is the "me 1st" drive which will happily destroy anyone or anything in its path, so long as one's own gratification is assured. Rage is 1 of the manifestations of this drive - - not healthy anger which might be appropriate to a situation, but a frenzied anger.
On a divinatory level, the card of Strength, when it appears in a spread, implies a situation where a collision w/the lion w/in is inevitable, & where a creative handling of 1's own rage & senseless pride is desirable. Courage, strength & self-discipline are necessary to battle w/the situation. Thru such an experience we can come in contact w/the beast, but also w/that part of us which is Heracles, the hero who can subdue it. Thus the Fool, having developed the faculties of mind/feeling, now learns to deal w/his own ferocious egotism, emerging from this contest w/trust in himself & integrity toward others.

The Base of the Matter; Describes the inner & outer situation, drive, instinct or aspiration which is really behind the apparant surface situation reflected by the Crowning Card. i.e. The root of the psyche, & often this card comes as a Surprise to the Seeker ((unconcious motivation)).
CONT'D IN 2ND POSTING...

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE GLADYS :D

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/ellen-gladys-hardy-p1.php

193.0 \
Today is the First Day/Step to the Rest of my Life
-charleneann \


well i am going to workout today and my goal is to LOSE the 200 000 poundsEXTRA i am carrying...

wish me luck because i LOVE food - pizza, cheese, chocolate - name it, i LOVE it... lasagna - so far ahhhhhhhhhhhhh is how it is going

GOOD food has been my comfort for so long that i am LITERALLY scared to say "goodbye" to its comfort... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i will be writing daily, in september, as this WILL be a daily struggle - blahhhhhh

encouragement would be awesome argh...

charlene