Okay if anyone can INTERPRET this dream it would be greatly appreciated!!! I've had it constantly "lately"???

I wake up from a deep slumber, in my bed, my bedroom, I go to stand up and as I stand up my left leg shoots severe pain??? I look down and my upper/front thigh is completely gone??? Skin is folded back, yellowy on the edges (like pus) and even the bone/muscle is gone? I can see into my leg? But the back of my leg skin is still there, and the muscles on the outer and inner thigh are still there? Just a big gaping hole? Like something ate away at my leg???

What DOES this dream mean? Like I said, I've had it several times now??? AHHHHHH???

MY LIFE IN RETROSPECT - -

For the first time in many aday - -
I walked down to the ocean today - -
And sat there and let my brain just race.
Randomly.
I thought of the many twists and turns I said Yes to in my life
and said No to in my life.
I said No to asking someone out - - > because the once in my life "shyness" or rather awkwardness reared its ugly head
I said yes to ending a lifetime career within the Military - - reason being my having breasts declined me from being able to go to the Falkland War - -
I thought I was "VERY" Rambo-esque if not not THE Rambo-ette.
I enjoyed everything of the Army - - being screamed at - - > used to that with my Upbringing therefore I excelled where others fell very short.
I said No to 3 men that asked me "THE" question - - Where are THEY now? Do they think of me? Like I think of them this day?
How very much different would my life have been?
I think of the No's - - I think of the Yes's - -
WTF was I thinking?
I look at my life right now - - Wanting to be held right now and only a boytoy is my choice.
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
I think of the young girl that raced towards her future - - > Thinking "she" would be famous, wanted, desired by the Masses due to her abilities within the Acting Field - -
Oh how many NO'S I received due to my saying NO to silicone anywhere in my body...
BLAH.
I stand before "my" ocean and watch my aged Dalmatian no longer run.
He chooses to sit beside me and nuzzle my armpit - I at least smell good,
for him.
Life could be worse, life could be better.
I am reaching out to my dream and it fucking scares me - - Portfolio X10 has to be "presented" before an Arts Committee on the 28th of March - -
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
Do I have the balls to get that particular YES?
The artist within me screams
YES.
The worthless child that was so abused/abandoned by every parental figure screams NO.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - -
Life and its choices.
I wish he was closer.
But I am no longer the size0 teenage lass so full of pissNvinegar - -
But a Woman with lines
Around her eyes.
Having seen so much -
Many things I did not really need.
May he says, is Canada time.
3 months to lose...
1000 lbs of obesity.
FUCK
SHIT
DAMMIT.
Or dare I present me
with all my very apparent
flaws?
She steps instead upon the treadmill
Seeking that Size0 female
Once
Again.
-charann

You thought you knew me, but you don't know anything at all
My arm shows a graphic picture of the days when I couldn't take it all
I tried to write but the words just wouldn't flow
This is the only way my pain can show.

Do you know what it's like to be stuck in a room,
Where no one can see you and you're to scared to move

Do you know what it's like to just sit and cry,
And not have a clue as to the reason why.

Do you know what it's like to go into a rage,
Slice up your arms and not remember a thing the next day

Do you know what it's like to walk into a room,
And have people you care about tell you there's nothing wrong with you

Do you know what it's like to hide your arms,
Because you don't want to explain about your physical scars.

Do you know what it's like to carry the pain,
Knowing that you're not normal and there's nothing anyone can do or say.

Do you know how it feels to depend on pills to make you feel whole,
Even though in the back of your mind, you hold on to the fear that you'll overdose and die.

Do you know what it's like to feel inner pain and not have anyone but yourself to blame.

Do you know what it's like to want to die,
But you just can't do it and you don't understand why.

Do you know what it's like to give up custody of your daughter,
Because you don't want her to go through the same shit that you did.

Do you know how it feels to be told that you don't deserve your daughter,
When you haven't done anything wrong.

Do you know how it feels not to give a Fuck,
Cause nothing you do will ever add up

Do you know how it feels to pray,
To give you the strength to get through each day

Do you know how it feels to have guys run away,
For you being you,
After they find out the truth

Do you know how it feels to be filled with pain,
And all you want is for it to go away.

Do you know what it's like to hear voices in your head,
Telling you your worthless and you'd be better off dead.

Do you know how it feels to start believing these lies,
Cause that's what you heard your entire life.

Do you know how it feels not to be able to,
Open up to someone who is paid to help you out

You keep your pain inside and tell them that everything is fine,
Then you go home to cry and befriend the knife.

If you don't know what it's like,
Then don't judge me,
Because you just got fucking lucky.

Dear Mr. - -
A letter to the man I have yet to meet - ((or have met and "it" has been taken to the "next" step)) --

Yes I am a SWF and I am writing a letter to you - - My new "Love" of which I am so glad to meet - - Let me describe who you will be meeting ((and hopefully you will contact me after this writing - - wanting to meet and "move it to the next level")) - -

Who is Charlene?

First off, Music is **very** important to me - - Discovering "new" music - - be it local bands (Vancouver has so very many "undiscovered" talent!!!) or cultural music - - ...!!! I listen to music when I cycle, workout, houseclean and yes, even as I write/type this ((listenin' to a 70's music channel)) So you can say that my music collection is quite ecclectic!!

Art is also very important to me - - My own and other's - - I have "collected" art pieces that have "spoken" to me - - Throughout the years. I have only "kept" one of my own art pieces "Chaos" and yes **smile** it comes with a story **GRIN** It's a feel-good story, big time.

Gardening is another passion of mine - Although I have to learn how to landscape, rather than "throw" colour everywhere... **SMILE**

One of my strengths is that I am a **VERY** good friend - - I am "there" for my friends - - Late night phone calls to talk, when in need, is fine... Visits unannounced; "because you needed to talk in-person" is welcome as well. I grew up in the Prairies and the OpenDoor Policy I have never lost **SMILE**

I love all forms of communication - - Be it text messaging, emails, snail mail and have found the latest online addiction; facebook **GRIN**

I can type 98 w.p.m. so that comes with a **WARNING** **SILLY GRIN**

Do I believe in Love at "First" Sight? Still undecided on that one... Lust? Sure. I believe love only grows over time.

Currently my best friend is my Dalmatian, named Bandit and my purrrrr-fect cuddle partner, to slow me down, at the end of the day is my Ragdoll kitty; Meow-Meow ((so named as she "talks" more than I do **GRIN**))

I have my "extreme" side - - I have bungy'd, sky dived, been in the Army/Reserves, done a marathon and I am happiest when I am 4x4'ing - - My "dream vehicle" is a Black (tres shiny) Jeep, with the biggest tires, mag wheels, roll bar ((without the lights)), the biggest woofer stereo - - > you WILL 'hear' me BEFORE I arrive **evil grin** - - Owning that particular vehicle IS a "secret" dream of mine - - ...

Of course, I have my faults - - I am 'not' as close to my family members as "society dictates", my temper is that I walk when I am angry - - But I do it silently so all of a sudden you are talking to a very closed door - - Elevator shutting or car driving away. I refuse to give vent to my anger. I choose instead to walk and think things thru elsewhere. I am an insomniac - - Which gets allot done but at "odd" hours LOL I should workout more...

I love to cook for others - - The tradeoff is usually YOU buy the ingredients, I cook and sing quite happily while I cook. Yes the music is loud, the wine is free flowing and the songs/laughter is all free, while Char cooks for another or a group of people. But **WARNING** I rarely follow the recipe twice LOL Just the first time - - I love for someone to ask; Can you cook this? Provide the ingredients and wait. HAH

Oh don't challenge this gal. LOL

Yes I would very much like to meet YOU Sir. Do not at all enjoy being single hahaha

This is but a "taste" of me; CharleneAnn. Would very much like to meet... YOU. Be it someone new or even someone known... Who would like to take it to the next level.

CharleneAnn
The photos I chose is the Ocean - One of my favourite places to be near.

Saying GoodBye to a Friend That I "Knew" Since Age9

reaching out for YOUR help lol

okay GOAL is to shed shed shed shed the weight i've lost 8 lbs just going vegan since the new year -

so here are the exercise machines that i have at home - set me up with a routine and i will follow it faithfully because me in sadddd shape HELLLLP me my beautiful friend!!!
one rowing machine, one stationary bike, one treadmill machine and one elliptical machine - so there ya go - set up the routine and we will make char as beautiful as kk, yes?

okay on the other note, been clean so far for 2009 - - okay i do not know your history? re drugs-wise, but mine is i swam in them when i lived in vancouver - cost me my relationship with my biological father out here - don't know IF it can be mended lol hmmmm when he takes 23 S to Hawaii for Xmas and you sit at home ROFL freezin your ass off literally hahaha

love to you always,
char


Karen Kapchinsky
January 17 at 11:29am
Report Message
Hi honey
Its not all you you know. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I don't think your dad was that involved before and You don't need him or his approval. Remember the quote You above anyone else deserve your love and respect...I will bring a routione when I see you, but ithink you are ion the right path with the workouts and I hate the Vegan thing....We did not claw our way to the top of the food chain to eat cauliflower LOL
PS i'm not all that ...Just a little bit LOL

Charlene
January 17 at 12:50pm

okay right routine when we see each other lol i like my vegan thing hahaha it helps my digestion hahaha ((yah yah ME old)) lol

love to you,
char

yah yah i take it all on - - YOU never do anything wrong it's all about me hahaha

Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:00pm
Report Message
Hey you fucking psycho. what the fuck ????? you crazy bitch leave me alone do not contact me or anyone I know Or the repercussions will be severe and endless FUCKING FAT COW
Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:02pm
Report Message
Thank you for an outstanding time You owe me for ther room and drinks and lunch but I will take my paymwent in the form of you fucking off out of my life THANKS FATSO

wow??? i won't go into what she did in 24 hours that i am "glad to be rid of her"

cleansing day today - - removing all negativity and THAT definitely is NEGATIVITY i cried for an hour

Mmmmmm... A Fantasy o'Mine ((Or 3))

There are a couple of fantasies that are "sparked" by the above photo...

Quick background ((mine)) - Grew up in the Prairies - So "this" photo screamed at me in so many ways...

I have always "wanted" to do "it" in a wide open field - - And this photo just "screamed" at me - That hmmmmm, I should approach this man & give him a smile and reach for him and walk towards the open field and lie down and beckon to him... With a smile ...

Why? Mmmmmm... Just because ---

Or the other fantasy this invokes for me - - Is for this particular man to be my "Surprise" Lover - - In all my "secret" fantasies, late at night, as I can't fall asleep ((like now LOL)) - My fantasies always include the element of "surprise" - -

Eg. 1 - I am at a Nightclub - - & y'know when its that awkward moment when there is that ultimately stupid slow dance? & You are turning to go, yep, order another drink, since you are not with another?? But with your prowling girlfriends??? When just before I turn, there is a tap on my shoulder? And its this "man" from the photograph? & I smile at him and just feel Wonderful, and warm, and want...

More. & It just feels right? To be touched by this person? Just fit together?

Eg. 2 - In a hotel room, have ordered room service and having told them that I will be in the bubble bath, to just leave the champagne and dinner on the table and I will be down later to tip them and to lock the door as they leave?

Well - - The "room service" arrives and in my submerged state, of so many steamy bubbles, I hear the food and champagne being arranged onto the table and murmur thank you, as I hear him walk towards the door.

The door softly clicks shut and I further submerge myself into the bubbles, enjoying the sensation, and knowing I am going to have a fantabulous meal after I exit my soothing, hot tub.

I look up at the bathroom mirror and I see his blue eyes and I wonder if I am dreaming. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, wishing I had my alcohol, much nearer to the tub.

I open my eyes again, and he is sitting on the side of the tub. I smile and shake my head and say, in a soft voice, "Hello..."

Like its an everyday occurrence, and not 20 years and I am not naked beneath bubbles and he is in his jeans and a white shirt, so white, so clean and crisp and put together.

And I?

Naked beneath the bubbles.

I cannot seem to be able to either move or take another breath, as I watch him, silently.

He leans forward and I feel the bubbles move as I begin to shake.

The first kiss!!!

And I?

Naked, shaking, beneath the bubbles.

He smiles, as he leans closer, puts his tongue on my very dry lips and I moan, "ohhhhhh wowwwwwwww..."

Our first kiss ever and I have known him since I was 14. I continue to shake beneath his soft kiss.

I still can't breath, or I am not aware that I am.

He breaks off the kiss and glances down at me. Our eyes lock, and I murmur, "I've missed you."

Where the hell did that come from?

Having not seen this man for 20 years?

Now he thinks I am absolutely nuts.

I dare not move, speak or have I yet to breathe?

He watches me, watching him as he turns out the lights and lights candles, I had not notice him place into the room. The room feels very steamy and hot all of a sudden. I move beneath the bubbles.

Nervous like a new bride, scared like a first-time virgin.

Ohhhhh, wow, as he slides his jeans down. No briefs or otherwise, oh wowwwwww. He moves towards the tub and watches me, watching him.

Neither one of us speaks.

He moves over me and kisses me soundly.

I slide under the bubbles, not able to cope with the fullness of him, in anyway. Too much, too much, too much. Too fast, I can't breathe! Fathom all that is occurring.

I lift myself out of the water, and bubbles, and ask, "How are you here? Right now? I can't believe this!!! Tonight??? Oh not that it is not everything and more that I have thought about - Wanted for years - - "

Suddenly I realize I am babbling and stare up at his blue eyes, enjoying their blueness and his so curly eyelashes and watching them change expression 1000's of times, in one glance my way.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my heart beats. It is captured in one glance! Shit!!!

I decide to stay in the tub, and watch him, at the other end of it. I raise a leg and nudge him, expecting it to be "just" bubbles and just another one of my fantasies. Suddenly he reaches for my foot and kisses my inner sole.

Ohhhhh, wowwwww... I feel that light kiss in every fiber of my being.

I react by jumping out of the tub, wrapping myself in the complimentary robe and rush to the bed, wanting to put distance between me and what? The fantasy in my tub? He is surely not there? I have drank too much, and its just another fantasy - - Much more real than other times, but wow?

I cover myself with the comforter and feel the room spin. Vowing to never drink again, as this time it is giving me visions!!! Of a desired man, from my youth, of yesteryear? Who is shockingly more beautiful naked than even I imagined?

I close my eyes and think, yeah sleep. Nurturing sleep.

I lie on my tummy, partially covered by the comforter, and murmur, "You are sooooo not Here..."

Just before I fall into a dreamless sleep, I feel my hair being lifted and a soft kiss, placed upon my neck. That is my favourite way to begin - How did he know this?

Oh right, he's my Secret Fantasy!!! I decide to go with it, and murmur his name, telling him how much I want him.

He continues to kiss my back and I find, once again, I cannot breathe.

I feel him mount me, from behind, and I am suddenly moist and I just want him.

Inside - Fast.

Instead he moves deliberately slowly and I gyrate against him and say, "I hate you right now - - Very much so - - You control me right now and IHATEYOU - -"

I murmur his name as I explode.

I turn over and think that really he's NOT there? That I had fallen asleep, really?

He is there, smiling at me, with his right leg raised, sitting on the side of the bed, "Hello sleeping beauty."

I just begin to laugh and giggle and feel like a schoolgirl, once again. "I knew you would take over and it would be awesome. Now hand me my champagne so I can get some of my Courage back."

The champagne soothes as it goes down and he crawls in beside me and I curl around him and purr.

Yeah - - My fantasies ROCK. ROFL

So ...

Not.

Like he's in Thailand and I am here and I am in a hotel tomorrow night and - -

AS IF.

I have "discovered" the world of Facebook - and what it has taught me so far is the lives of my former high school mates - -

One in particular has shocked me - - Let's call her "Joanie" her story and mine were that her father and my step-father worked at the same place - Driving public transit.

Well her father, let's call him "Bob" suggested that we move to a HICK of a town as land prices were low, low crime, small town life, etc etc - So we did.

Joanie and I became great friends, and her little sister hung with my little brother. All good.

Until I turned 13 - When, after 8 years of abuse, I decided to leave - Hitch-hike away. Beyond my comprehension I was returned to the scene of the crime(s) (abuse).

Well "Bob" decided that I was now "soiled/dirty/not good enough" to be Joanie's pal and no longer were we allowed to visit together, be friends, etc etc In fact whenever Bob and Joanie would visit my home Bob would yell, "Joanie, get in here ((being the house)) get away from HER."

Her, of course, being me.

Well we drifted apart, and I spent about 3 months crying over the loss. It's a dramatic loss at 13. Two girls torn apart.

Well I discovered Wicca then and heaped spells upon spells upon the 2 of them - - Premise being I will show them!!!

Back to currently - - I have learned that "Joanie" went onto to marry one of the cutest boys in our school, let's call him "Lane". Well they went onto to marry, have children and separated (I think this is how it went?) He fell for another, Joanie publicly (via a local newspaper proclaimed her love) and Lane decided he wanted another - The other female chose her hubby instead - Lane shot himself.

OHWOW - I am still in shock. Now she is married to another man, and I can't believe her life story.

Kharma? I hope not. My spells belated? I surely hope not.

Wow Joanie Wow.

i have always, always been a "runner" when times get "rough" i am gone - - - it is a terrible trait to have - - really, to sustain anything long-term LOL

the first time i "ran" with significance was when i was 13 years of age - from a small prairie town - the first night i just ran thru the backyard field to the elementary school, shimmied up the airvents and sat on the school roof watching the people call my name and walk around, calling my name. The very next day, after I had slept on the roof, as it was a very warm summer night, I was quite bemused that not one person was "still" searching for me. Wow, 3 hours effort I was worth!!! That is what decided for me to continue my journey away.

I went to hiway 6 and headed south, winnipeg and went the wrong way first; east instead of west. LOL Then got back started the right way and ended up west, on my biological father's doorstep.

Which was another nightmare of another sort. Funny thing is I did not speak for 6 weeks other than monosyllabalic (sp?) words. 6 weeks. OBVIOUSLY some trauma there, but he sent me back to the trauma "unit" of it all.

Today? Or rather last night/early this a.m. I took off again. I just needed to "get the hell out of dodge" as "they" say. Last night I hung out with a girlfriend and she was in a very weird headspace I entered her abode and she was sitting there before her computer, for 2 hours of gameplay - - And I asked her once, wazzzup? She answered, "It's not all about you, always. Sometimes its my turn."

I thought sure and ambled off and text-messaged tons of people from my phone and sent msgs like Booty call please - - Sex is always a great releaser, minus the drug play I "promised" to give up due to accepting moving into my home from my Father - But sex with young men I will never give up LOL My much preferred drug choice hahaha

She started screaming at me, "Oh so you want it about you all the time?"

I just sat there and thought, wtf? I answered, "Ummmm, I am happy texting everyone, no worries here."

I continued, "Hey I made 140$ today in less than 2 hours, isn't that kewl? I designed a guy's webpage and he even gave me a 20$ tip he was so impressed."

She replied, "If you expect a wayTogo for every little GOOD thing you do, forget it."

I again thought, wtf, and answered, "I thought that was what friends were for? To pat ya on the back when you do well?"

"You should not come here EXPECTING that everytime you come over here."

I thought, Time to leave.

In more ways than one.

I packed up my pooch, my florescent pink backpack ((best present I ever was given from a friendWithbenefits friend - he obviously "understood" my inborn NEED to leave and leave often LOL Why not make it easier? Give her a Florescent pink backpack hahaha The big one that she can carry her small world on her back as she leaves.

Perhaps I should have stayed with that one?

I sit here on the Ferry and cry, ignoring the glances from other passengers, and wonder WTF? Why am I so scared to care? To be open and share? Me? Other than to the 4-legged creatures?

The fear was from my youth, something shut down then, never to return. Now I am trying to reach out to others and I just immediately f/it up from the get-go. I write innate things and wonder where did THAT come from? I tell people I care then I disappear in every way for a week. Yah actions speak louder than words, mmmmm?

Oh I want someone to be there for me, yet I can't be there for him? I run, run, run, that has not changed. From the age of 13.

F.

Dammmm

S.

And all the rest.

PMSing sucks. Wrecks havock on my brain/feelings and mannerisms. Drumming is what I will seek tonight. Drum beats equalling my heartbeat.

Oh I am going to visit someone next weekend. She scares the living s/out of me. She knows me too well - - that 13 year old kid. She "knows" the scared kid I was. How far have I come? Not that far, really.

Too many years of oblivion from the pain. Drugs were easy. Sex was easier. When you have DD's and are easy. Basically.

Will this trip cure the wanderlust? No.

Because it is running from the people I care.

About.

Damn.

Glad he is married and far, far away. I risk nothing really. It's safe. And I tease him that is him that chooses safe. I write him lots, knowing he is shackled, married and so far away.

Good.

Safe.

It is zero connection.

I

risk

Nothing.

Char

oh i had a conversation/cyber chat with the mr. p - and it was when i was coming home from class - burnt but i thought in excitement he wants to chat WITH MEEEEE

the feedback i want to say to him - - f/it i am sending him another message lol

char

can you tell of the confusion w/regards to this man? i walked with my dog for miles today just with a omg omg omg dunno

an style="font-style:italic;"> okay another day and another confusion about "men"

let me give you the breakdown of these 2 men - 1) is todd dennis - who is he to me? well for 4 years of h/s he was my tormentor - if it was rude, he said it my way - from gr.9, the very 1st day of school, he arranged it so that he was in my homeroom (& every homeroom thereinafter) & as we were seated alphabetically he was either in front of me or behind me ARGHHHHHHHH 4 years of this shadow dude lol okay it "sounds" swell but try it out sometime lol have someone follow you CONSTANTLY for the time of school hours... NOT fun... unless he is the school hunk/jock lol then it would be fun - todd was everything i was not - he excelled at math, i did not - he entered math contests, i entered same math contests to be able to do a protest of one and make my answers (remember those lil bars you had to color in???) i made my answers look like a butterfly lol he played chess - a game in which talking IS NOT allowed omg!!! & speed/timer is of the essence? he entered science fairs, i stole my cousin's idea and basically rehanded hers in LOL which confused me because she won at her school? etc etc everything todd was, i was not - oh i was in drama, he was the sound crew and lighting crew - closest we ever came to talking hahaha
so to current times - i have "found" todd dennis on facebook like 20 years late lol ahhhhhhh & he is the photo that you see - the headshot - not a bad looking fella **evil grin** oh backtrack, todd in h/s was all of 4'11 and maybe 80 lbs? yah the kick the sand in the face dude but his words were lethal, at least my way... but then he would turn around and be a first-rate flirt to every girl BUT me I would just seethe silently until 1 day I locked him in the locker YAH and left him, after changing locks haahaha
todd, i have read, is quite the decent guy... i have left numerous notes on his facebook page, once or twice even asking him to call - well i have done the 411 and have found his info - is it ever correct/ok for a girl to call a guy? me so confused about all this male-female "stuff" especially when the guy is the geek lol & you so hated him & want to see "IF" he's human after all?
the 2nd photo is shawn pchajek and yep, my crush for h/s - now? he lives in thailand is wanting to become like the dalai lama (sp?) & is a Buddhist - can Buddhist have sex? I dunno LOL My luck probably not hahaha Him? Beautiful man to me, physically and spiritually. If I could create a man for me, it would be Mr. Pchajek but he's a) in Thailand b) a Buddhist lol c) separated from a Japanese who is probably a size minus (which I no longer am lol) **sigh**

This male-female ying/yang thing is beyond me LOL

Char

the background of my email is shawn p (pictured) is my h/s classmate - of which i had a VERY secret "crush" on - i NEVER told him or even smiled at him - but i COULD tell you what he wore of every day of h/s & i could describe him head2toe - & even that he has the most beautiful smile & eyes (eyelashes too; they are the curliest i have ever seen!!!) BUT i never DARED to tell him this - just sat in classes that we shared QUIETLY and observed - & listened & observed him some more - never once in all of h/s did i tell him of my "crush" i just observed & wondered & daydreamed & having found him online - i told him of my crush & he was EXTREMELY POLITE & said I would have to keep on wondering - which is what an extremely diplomatic way of saying FOAD???????????? ouch ouch ouch he sent me the profile shot because that is how i remembered him - his left profile because that is where i sat ALWAYS where he was considered - 1 row over/left and 1 seat back and WATCHED & never spoke in english class - NOPE not once - just dreamily listened & watched & hoped that he would what???? Magically clue in? hahaha A 17-year-old boy CLUE IN? To an unspoken crush? Seated so very close? HAHAHAHA AS IF So this is my apology to him... I will find his original email or maybe not - He is very diplomatic and ohhhhhhhhhhh I was the foolish 17-year-old reaching out - With hope = IDIOT I AM lolololol **sigh**

Okay I have re-read your email that you sent to me and it has sunk in and the "you will have to keep wondering"

You are going to Japan to make up with someone that you very obviously care very much for.... I just wanted to take the time to apologize for my emails...

I just in my foolishness of schoolwork/tests/finals, not grasping what you were writing to me etc etc Just excuses really... And me "falling back in time" and having Shawn P. back "in" my life & my initial reaction(s) to you just came flooding back - The school girl crush (me2u) was really quite a) silent b) severe lol I could even describe you down to your eyelashes lol I would be able to pick you out in a crowd easily lol So me being the idiot I am expressed that and stupidly - I knew then Would never be reciprocated LOL

Besides you have a whole life - How could I say? Hey Shawn I would love to get to know you & see where it goes? You are in Thailand, quite settled and I am in B.C. quite unsettled LOL How could this be anything? Like what? Move to Thailand? Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the farthest I've been is Mexico where I knew "what" it would be like - Thailand woahhhh LOL I'd be like a kid - Scared and what? Everything NEW.

I knew IF I made the move or said anything to you - I'd make a complete ass/fool of myself and you'd look at me and probably a) not take me seriously b) outright LAFF at me or what I guessed was outright reject me and I would be devestated hahaha

So I give you my friendship and forget the girlcrush/mine and get to know the Shawn of today

I wish you luck daring to "try again" I've been that deeply in love with one man that I went back and he knew he could keep on coming back which he did intermittently until he finally walked away I cried I think for a year straight I wish you Happiness Shawn - I hope it works for you -

I remember you always smiling - And those eyes!!! I am sure I never made the same impression on you. Hardly. I was very insignificant female/person in H/S - I was K.K.'s shadow - I am trying to express myself correctly after too much weed - I think the best word is yes, crush or "smitten" I never really talked to you because I couldn't -

I would like to be your friend - Cyberly - I would be honored -

There I have apologized for my faux pas and ooooooooooops i did it again-ness You have a friend, you always have, I am just DARING to make it known - Besides I think it is fantastic that you are working on being with another - A male FRIEND is probably the best thing FOR ME. I've never had that - Isn't that sad? I've always changed it shockingly fast to let's f--- Then retreat. To my safety go away now zone.

I do not, nor did I ever want to do that with you. I was into meditation already and wicca in H/S and I was told you and I would never be "insignificant" and that was another reason I never communicated with you - Does any of this make sense?

Probably not - But I will send it anyways - She is a lucky girl/woman I hope she realizes the gift she is being given a 2nd Chance - Me? I never dared for a First Chance.

But I am your FRIEND, however you decide. Oh and for Xmas ? I would love a phone call Oh wait that is me being an IDIOT again LOL

K I am over and out - I am going to copy and paste this nonsense onto my blog and read it straight tomorrow LOL

I hope this gets a reply more than FOAD char **sigh**

charlene

i have, in my dreams, have had PAUL STANLEY perform this accoustically JUST ME AND HIM

suuuuuuuuure IF that were to occur I think I would just ummmmmmmmm die right then because I would not be able to breathe, talk, or move HAH

it's a DREAM of mine to MEET PAUL STANLEY one day - i WOULD SHAKE from head to toe

charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca

it's PAUL STANLEY video night LMAO

woooo wooooo

party of one hahahaa

PAUL STANLEY IS BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL

yah baby

a fan forever,

charlene

i hope this video works LOL

paul gets AAAAAAAAAAAAANGRY

HILARIOUS

GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE

YOUR FAN,

Charlene

News Bulletin:

Seven-times winner Lance Armstrong will make a Tour de France comeback next year, his spokesman told Reuters on Monday.

The 37-year-old rider announced in September he was coming out of retirement for the 2009 season.

A cancer survivor, Armstrong won the Tour for a record seven consecutive years from 1999-2005.

The American retired following his 2005 victory and has since devoted himself to the fight against cancer - raising funds and awareness through his foundation.

Armstrong, who will race for Astana, had already confirmed that he would race the Giro d'Italia, the Tour of Flanders and the Tour of California and several of the one-day classic races.

The Texas-born former road race world champion and bronze medalist from the Sydney Olympics in 2000, had said he would make his first race back in the Tour Down Under around Adelaide, Australia in January.

Armstrong has had a strained relationship with the Tour de France organizers, the Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), who said in October that his return would be "embarrassing."

The French daily newspaper L'Equipe, owned by ASO's parent company EPA (Editions Philippe Amaury), claimed three years ago that samples of Armstrong's urine from 1999 showed traces of the banned blood-boosting substance erythropoietin.

Armstrong, however, never tested positive and was cleared by a Dutch investigator appointed by the International Cycling Union.

The American has also questioned how safe he would be in France, expressing concerns about being targeted by fans.

I have bought a car from a neighbour who states he is a Mechanic for 28 years - and also he assured me that the car I was buying from him was in "Working Order" i.e. Fine in all aspects - Well I have paid for it and it is not "fine in all aspects" In fact, currently it sits in my driveway - The background is this - It seems that every 4th time that I drive it - It breaks down and starts to "smoke" 2x I have had the fantastic AND VERY/EXTREMELY POLITE N. firemen come to my Beater "fire" - Both times I have had sad car towed home UGH I called my seller/mechanic and he "fixed" it And yep, 4x later, no more go - Right now his answer is (and I am SO NOT a mechanic) "Due to the firemen's actions they caused a crack in the manifold" I believe is what he said? Well I talked to him/the mechanic on Thursday night last - And he ASSURED me that he would work on the vehicle - Picking it up Saturday and DEFINITELY SUNDAY - To lift the entire engine out and see DEFINITELY what the problem is EXACTLY? Well ummmm - Nothing has occurred? Car has not moved from my driveway?

My question is this - How many times do I ask him to "fix" this car? Or when is it beyond the limits? Of you are an #^$&&*$^%#$^$# and I want my cash back? I have never "bought" a car privately before so I REALLY do not know the "rules" in a private sale????

I am really confused here and I am a student so the funds are limited and went with this vehicle on his assurances etc etc?

Thanks for listening...

Author: Charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing? NO

2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? I tried once when I was 13 "to hang out with the kewl kids" outside and nearly died IMMEDIATELY have never tried once since...

3. Do you own a gun? NO

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop? Cappucino - iced.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? NO

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Great in the summertime, cooked on my potbelly stove.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Lil' Drummer Boy sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee

9. Can you do pushups? ARE YOU KIDDING? LOL

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Not a fan.

11. Favorite hobby? Art or gardening.

12. Do you have ADD? Yes and it shows up at strange times...

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? my temper

14. Middle name? ann

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. class is today, will i finish and complete this course successfully and will i get a job afterwards.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? chai tea sprite coffee

17. Current worry? Finances and weight equally.

18. Current hate right now? I don't hate, but I feel it from my family/Paternal side.

19. Favorite place to be? In my garden.

20. How did you ring in the new year? STAYED HOME! ATE PIZZA WATCH TV ((hate being single lol))

21. Like to travel? yes but finances stop that dream


22. Do you own slippers? YES

23. What color shirt are you wearing? it's 6:48 a.m. still in pj's lol

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

25. Can you whistle? A LITTLE

26. Favorite singers/bands? kiss, daniel wesley, redcell, trance... dance

27.Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? yes i am very stubborn

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? songs that i heard that day... or listened to on my ipod

29. Favorite boy's names? luke anthony

30. What's in your pocket right now? NO POCKETS

31. Last thing that made you laugh? videos on uTube


32. Worst injury/illness you've ever had? back injury - still maintaining it with pain medication

32. Do you love where you live? YES

33. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1, saving up fr another

34. Who is your loudest friend? don't have

35. Does someone have a crush on you? IF SO, I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS!

36. What is your favorite book? i love all books

37. What is your favorite candy? chocolate covered coffee beans

38. Favorite Sports Team? Anywhere Wayne Gretzky is.

38. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? reading a true crime book by anne rule

39. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today? class today, better not forget any items for it

ok i HAVE to share "my et moment" when ET the movie came out I had just turned 16 and had my driver's licence = wanting to drive everywhere - well for my brother's 13 b'day i took/DROVE him to the movie of ET - JUST HIM AND I - VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: my brother chris was turning 13 - soooooooooooooo we get to the movie - all was well UNTIL the scene where et & elliott are touching the fingers and the movie theater is hushed...

until...

my brother STANDS UP and BURPS the ALPHABET

needless to say older sister never took BROTHER to any PUBLIC place again LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

Author: Charlene

Nanaimo Coffee Date Night - I'm So There!!!
Share
Today at 10:06pm | Edit Note | Delete
Nanaimo Coffee evening ... November 21st 2008 6:30pm

WHO: ANYONE WELCOME, Come one, come all
WHY: Because i said so DAMMIT!
WHAT: Um COFFEE, chai tea, mocha, discussions, but more importantly DESSERTS!!
WHERE: The Buzz Coffee House
unit #1 - 4515 Uplands Drive
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Canada V9T 6M8
250-758-2881