As I end 2009, and bring in 2010 quite quietly...
Of course I reflect...
Dear Daddy -
My biggest regret is that we are ending 2009 apart - I love you with all of my heart - But you believe complete LIES about me and because you are so readily wanting to AUTOMATICALLY believe those very same lies - I have walked away from you.
But know this, I love you with all of my heart and always will and always have.
I just can't get past the feeling that you utterly detest me - For reasons I cannot understand.
I have tried for years, to bridge the gap/wall that separated us and finally I have chosen to walk away from you.
But I do love you Daddy and if you ever want to contact me I am here for you; landscapersrule@yahoo.ca is me.

My other biological parent dismissed me twice - As I went back to Manitoba to resurrect a relationship like ten years ago and it was a joke of a reunion. It was like I stepped into an alternate universe where time had stood still.
I was still being punished for rolling the car when I was 16 (yet in reality, equal amount of time had passed)...
Oh 100's of other ugly things reared its ugly head, during my stay, and I just watched it occur.

My mother? My biological Mother? I regret, every moment of every day, that I do not have a Mother figure in my world.

In 2009, I have reached out to friends of my past, via Facebook, and of my youth. One meeting was especially dramatic. I asked my former youth best friend, K.K. what she remembered about me. Her story was quite surprising, as I so did not remember the very same moment.

She said that she came over one Xmas to see what I got for Xmas, like teenage girls do, and I had received ONE pair of snow boots. Whereas my 1/2 brother (same biological mother, different father) received at least 1000$ worth of stuff. Did I cry? Or bemoan what he received? No, she laughed in her retelling, I grabbed my boots and told her, "Now I can play longer outside in the snow."

Where did that sunny outlook originate? In such a pathos of up-bringing? Unknown.

But that same outlook has made me, today, a survivor. Like in 2009, when I was informed I had 72 hours to move, after which my biological father had, in court, witnessed against me, instead of folding up and committing suicide, I looked around me and found ways to find me and my beloved pets a BETTER home.

I sold all the appliances within the home, my father demanded I vacate, for the rent and damage deposit of my new rental.

I let go both parents. Now.

Goodbye.

My mother's last words to me? "You are dead to me."

My father's last words to me? "Do you need help moving?"

Yiiiiii...

Loving both of them.

My resolution of 2010? Be the essence of Love and caring, in every interaction of mine, with other human beings. And creatures.

CharleneAnn

Well 2009 ends with a tumble or rather a rumble LOL
I text the dude to wish him Merry HoHoHo I get in return oh is this the psychotic b.? The fat psychotic b.? If so, ewwwwwww...
My reply? Well at least I am not confused in my sexuality and suck d*ck for weed LOL
Yep 2009 ends with me at my best **SIGH**
So the lesson learnt? So DON'T go there?
It started off as a friendship, talking and "SHOULD HAVE" stayed right there. Yeah BIG TIME and just talked and hung out
But nooooooooooooooooooooo
Biggest Ooooooooooooooooops I did it Again Moment for Me of 2009.
I am just so NOT going to go near the Male figure I am just going to work on Me. Me. Me. And let the rest disappear. IMPLODE/DISAPPEAR. Far, far away.

Well I sit here and type "free will typing" as I call it - With music blasting in the background - Of Liam Titcomb - The last concert that I went to and a disastrious date that I went on to the concert - Yeah it's really a "marvelous" date when you are set up with a dude that is in love with your friend that set up the date - Okay complicated. You get to hear all night long how fantastic/marvelous/smart/beautiful/awesome/great mother and walks-on-water etc etc your friend is from this man and you think, sarcastically, "I am so not getting laid tonight by this man." Yeah. Oh and the photo to the right? He disappointed me as well. I am fighting the feelings of jealousy/hurt/pain and what-not as you watch him cavort via words with a blonde/petite/size 2 married woman who is everything I am not - Married, well-to-do, size2 and never has a problem - Never has any drama Drops out babies and doesn't even look like she sweated for one moment of the birth? But you find her kooky and funny and whatnot and so am wondering why the feelings of jealousy/rage and whatnot occurs? Oh cuz I wanted a visit from this man from Thailand and to share moments with him and whatnot. But I am not "Sparkly" and warm and a size2 or blonde. LOL Or married. No strings here. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh to have him cuddle with me I would have been - so many things. But it was not to be. So I will release all that and think - - He didn't visit any of Canada and it wasn't just me. Let it go - Release the pain of rejection. I've never dealt well with rejection. Especially from those creatures with a penis. LOL As I close a chapter of my life - I look around and giggle - - Single again, solo still. There is one man I can say that I have loved, in love with, but he is not to be. Will 2010 bring me love? I am so not "hoping" or "seeking" or "waiting" for "it" to occur - - What was John Lennon's quote? Life happens while you are getting ready? Or something like that? No kidding. LOL Am I feeling sorry for myself? I am sitting here releasing the negativity and doing that DAMN breathing thing ZEN and not - I am going to walk away from negativity in any form in 2010. I might be doing allot of walking LMAO Come 2010 Char is so far from "perfect" - - But I believe in me - as 2009 ends and 2010 begins - - I no longer "believe" what the negatives of my life have told me Char "is". Released. I have cried today that I do not "have" a family instead am taking joy in the people that DO share in "Char World" and whatnot. I can't wait for Xmas this year as it is the first Xmas that I have "chosen" where I WANT to be - Rather than being told where TO BE. I made one present for my friends, with these hands, mine and I can't wait for them to open it and see "it" It IS in the giving. Char IS strength - - I survived my multi-millionaire Father taking me to court, losing my home, and I DID NOT END UP HOMELESS. I stood up on my own 2 feet and survived. Okay surviving did indeed have a Char-twist - Spent the first month in my new "home" hidden away with a young stud exactly half my age (meowwww) as I "settled" into my new surroundings - - I call that my OOOOOOOOOOOOPS I DID IT AGAIN or my "Britney" Period HAH
My cup is no longer 1/2 empty but 1/2 full with POSSIBILITIES - -
I can continue to type and talk about 2009 - and the Wackiness of my World - Like joining a Fitness Club and having the Trainer pick me to blow in my ear and say Naughty, Naughty Things and I am the one to leave the gym? NICE lol
But hey... RELEASE
BREATHE lol
Char

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************ - -
One day I will understand – the Why *********** would rather hang out with 2 men day in and day out - - Rather than crawl into bed with...
Me.
I just wanted to let you know that I gave my Notice to Move from Here. December 1st.
I wish you well – You have so much potential – I hope you don't squander your Positive Qualities into Weed and sex with Men. Or sex for trade for Cash. (re – Your most recent visit to Vancouver).
I will never regret being with ********** *************. There was one night that we spent snuggling and I will always remember. That ************ I met I will remember with a great feeling.
What I would have given for you to have chosen to continue our Friendship With Benefits. But it is so apparent you are so “not” interested. It got quickly boring for me, being the One Still Interested.
Take care of You. If you learn something/anything from me – You are Special ***********. I just wish you would have chosen to continue our friendship and open up more, and let us be friends, hang out more and all the rest of it. If you do remember Me, remember she hopes you the Best and wanted to be your Friend. You chose for it not to continue and I respect that. I do.
Hugs,

I have recently moved to a new residence and it came "with" people already living there - Beneath me basically - 6 in fact.
I will discuss the one pictured LAST as he has had the "most" influence on me - IMMEDIATELY.
The first person that I met was - Let's call him George - He is the caregiver to the resident "Peter".
As time as gone on, I have found out that all the people that are living here are fighting their demons - BIG TIME.
George is a recovering Heroin addict of what age? 50-ish and at times his words are - let's say - bitter. He has lived all over B.C. and has held all kinds of jobs. Which he likes to talk about - He is helpful, to me, often helps me to move boxes inside and lifts, I swear, weight I can't.
Peter is the resident and he suffers from some degenerative disease of the spinal cord which I don't understand what is going on with him. But he spends his days smoking "medicinal weed". Which he is QUITE happy to supply to the lad in the photos.
Let's call the photographed Lad Jim, for all intents and purposes. He and I "clicked" from the get-go and I would sit beside him and laugh and giggle and feel quite carefree. Young, I would feel and I would giggle with him and smile, at him.
Who kissed who? I can't remember but I do remember his blue eyes, so very close to mine. And we have spent many nights, sharing our stories. Talking far into the night.
I can't believe his story so very similiar to mine, at such a young age. His own father took him to court and as has mine recently.
I have chosen to remove myself into art and Jim has chosen to numb his pain with the always ready at hand weed.
I enjoy the lad that talks to me late at night. I don't understand the hourly use of weed. Lifestyle. He is called a "cabbage" head. Don't understand that either LOL
I just want to hold him and remove his pain.
I went downstairs just now and Peter was standing, and he had an episode/seizure and I could not/did not know what to do... How to react.
Is medicinal weed the way for these people to go? Who am I to know? I, too, am a lost soul. Very lost and needing a hug right now.
Indeed.

Dear Young Lad Named ........ -
Well aren't you the handsome one? With your looooooooong eyelashes and bluest of eyes. Way that you have the look/glance down pat - Tilting your chin down and looking at me, sideways?
With a full lipped grin and walking into my world - With your smiles and soft eyes? What is a woman to do? But to drag you INTO her bed?
Then the surprises began - For Me.
I thought, oh the idiocy of youth - Yet you threw me onto the bed and dove into me and pounded the night away and I just sighed - You said later I screamed - Your name.
Indeed.
I feel my breasts harden when you walk by me and I smile at you - Thinking my nasty thoughts and The day brightens.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - How do I do a day when I know that to leave my front door open you wander in for a booty call? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm -
Yes life often throws twists now doesn't it?
**SIGH**

Well I have moved into a new home and it's quite fantabulous... Actually.
There are 3 men that live downstairs and one has rocked my world. All of 1/2 my age and all that and now my life is split in 2.
A boy-toy is mine. And I REALLY don't know what to do.
All I know is that because of this "rendezvous at 10 every night" **GIGGLE** I have become QUITE relaxed about life LOL

I don't know about you - But I have reached the age where I sat down the other day and I looked around and thought - I am going to be dust one day and what have I accomplished?

I looked around and thought, there was only one man that I ever loved... And I wondered how he was doing?

When hmmmmmmmmmm - He popped up on my Facebook page and asked me how I was doing. How was I doing?

He was the first boy to kiss me, a striking boy of a red afro and a fantastic smile. I had moved from Winnipeg to a small town of Warren. SMALL is so not the word to describe Warren, Mb from Winnipeg.

I was all of ten. I was sitting on a rock, in a bike trail, enclosed by many trees and thinking no one was around, or would be for awhile, I sat down for a good cry. When a voice, right by my side, asked why I was crying.

I looked up and there was this beautiful young boy, looking down at me, daring to move my hair out of my eyes. Really looking confused, he was and concerned. I poured out my story, all my best friends and cousins and comfort was gone. I knew no one, and I once again began to cry, of which he replied, "To stop your crying, I am going to kiss you and for friends, I have 3 sisters."

He leaned forward and kissed me and I was entranced and as he withdrew his soft lips, I leaned forward and kissed him with all the passion I could find, wanting him never to leave me again.

When that kiss finished, and I leaned back, looking up, he was smiling and seemed to glow. I kissed him again, wanting to keep him near, always. Knowing that as long as I kissing him, he was mine.

That kissing continued throughout all my teen years and it was the beacon that was my Safety. If my day was blue, I drew comfort from his kisses and warmth and hugs, and wished for more.

Well I told him all this, but 20plus years had passed and he has, of course, a wife, children and a life. I could no longer run to him for kisses and secret wishes.

She is a very lucky lady and I sit here and cry. He is a great man and is standing by his principles. My boys are my life and I grew to love my wife.

Oh I look at my life and cry. Wishing he would run to me and hold me and say I loved you too, immediately. I was just too shy to take it further.

Oh Ricky - - I will be returning to our hometown at Xmastime - - I've aged, some call me jaded, and I am so wanting to see my Red.

Am I living in the past? No. I just remember you as my Cutey - - that always smiled at me and watched me cross the room, towards you and then life would rush our way - Y'see your 3 sisters came to occupy my life and you were the reason I really was returning and I never knew how to tell you that.

Now I am and what does that do.

Oh life's curves, are plentiful. As I look around my world.

In reply, you send me the song She's Everything by Brad Paisley and I don't know what to make of that - -

My gut reaction is to tell you I so want to just see you. And say Hello, you were so very special...

To Me.

To hold your hand and look up into your eyes once again.

Other than that? I can't begin to guess.

Will you give me that wish at Xmas? I hope so.

Now I go to the hospital and am quite sick. And scared and all that. But I reached out to you. And for that I am grateful I was given that chance.

Hi Dad - -

I just thought I would write to you and tell you many things.

Firstly, I love you Dad. I always have and I would like to take this time to apologize for all of the hurts that I have caused you.

I am ready to have a relationship with you.

Let's play catch-up, shall we? I have done extensive counselling for the summer. And I have come to many conclusions where you are concerned.

Mainly I never forgave you for not saving me/removing me from the abuse I suffered growing up. But I have forgiven you. Via writing it down on a piece of paper, burning it, and tossing it into the ocean. Living so near to the ocean is great for such self-healing rituals!!!

Also I always thought I was never "good enough" for you because I arrived so broken to your doorstep. I was so NOT what you wanted for a Daughter. Where I got such a thought - I don't know - You've never verbalized such a thing ever, but it was my thought whenever I stood near you.

Dad, I would like you to be in my world, and I would like to get to know my Dad. What he likes. How he likes his coffee, etc etc. And I would like him to get to know his daughter.

Let us continue the game of catch-up. I have done allot of renovating to my home.

Currently I am working on the exterior mainly. I have put in 3 gardens - 1 in front and 2 in the back. The one in the front is a rock garden to work from the rock wall that was always there. I have taken many walks to the ocean and picked up rocks there - - and that was great fun, actually.

The 2 gardens in back are a floral garden and a vegetable garden. The vegetable garden is all but finished, but the potatoes are still coming in. Which is great for fries, hash browns etc etc Poutine LOL

The interior I have painted the walls thru out - - a variety of colours (of course) and I have (myself!!) ripped out the carpenting. From every room. I felt every muscle in my shoulders when I did that job. UGH. But it is done and when I have more $$$ saved up, next spring, I am wanting to put in linoleum from end to end. Just not sure what "look" yet. Stone looking is what I am thinking.

The bathroom I painted bright blue and like the colour of the bright blue sea. I think it looks awesome and I have mosaic'd it. Mermaids are around too and seashells. Great for relaxing in the tub, gazing into the skylight, watching the clouds rush by. That is my favourite room, always.

I would like to have you be a part of my life Dad and I yours. I have released the anger of mine, where you are concerned.

One thing tho, I have never lied to you.

Oh and one other thing about me I would like to share with you? I am starting University in the Fall - - like weeks from now AHHHHH V.I.U. I am taking B.F.A. with a Minor in Visual Arts and I am doing this thru a Grant. I won a grant. I applied for Grants rather than submerge myself into a bottomless pitt of a student loan and I surprised myself by winning one. Is winning the right word? Wait, receiving one, yeah.

I have submerged myself into the artworld of this town. It is such a rich city for Art. I love it. You never commented on my banners? But I will do banners as long as that program is around. I love the slowness of the creation of the banners. And the "neatness" of seeing my finished product "blowing in the wind".

My grant is for part-time study only so that will be only 2 classes. This term and next. The 2 classes that I will be taking is Sculpture/Clay and Drawing/Free Hand. I have met my instructors - - For the clay/sculpture is Scott Leaf - another Icelander **SMILE** Him and I hit it off immediately and it helps he is HOTTTTTT and has a warped sense of humour HAH He has a show of his sculpture up at the University Art Gallery from August 28 - October 3rd if you want to check out his abilities.

My drawing instructor is Greg and he is just a lil' guy/height-wise - - All of a 100 pounds I think? But great energy and LOVES art - - I had to present a portfolio of my art - - 10 pieces to get admitted into the program and he accepted me - - along with Scott wandering in - during my presentation HAH I was like ohgawd - - But handled it - - I presented my photography/collages, paper mache work and a few of my paintings and my banners/links online. I did not eat anything before and presented during the heatwave we had so was worried about the paintings but they weathered the heat.

I have always felt inadequate around you Dad. That you "wished" you could throw me back because I was soooooo Imperfect. That I came out disfigured/clubfoot etc etc Could not ski and whatnot and I am sorry that I have never before this, really given you a chance to "be" my Dad or me to be your Daughter.

I have enjoyed moving to this town and I miss the fact that you are not in this transition stage of my life. I would like you to be.

I miss your smile Dad. I miss you.

I would like to continue from this day forward/this NOW as having a Dad that visits me and calls me and wants to visit his kid.

I would like that allot.

Oh there are many other things I would like to share with you and I would love to talk to you soon.

Or see you. I have a clunker car that I could drive and meet you for a coffee or a walk to wherever. Or wherever. I will be bringing a new puppy along that I would love for you to meet.

Hey the house is still standing. I am sure you are surprised (Okay that was bad attempt at sarcastic humour HAH)

Hope you are well Dad. I am. I like my life finally and I would like to share that with you.

I am finishing the Degree that I started what? A million years ago? HAH The goal is to be an Art Therapist at the end. I think I have the credentials to be a Therapist LOL Sat on the other side of the desk/layed on the couch enough. HAH

Well that is just a gist of my news. I am writing this to say Hello - I hope it is reciprocated.

Or just drive by and checkout the trailer.

My classes are Mondays and Fridays and I work nights at the 24Hours Fitness Club - Which is perfect for me - As I am a long-time insomniac so the shift works for me.

I hope you read this and my I AM SORRY has come thru. But mainly I wrote this for me, to know I have apologized/attempted to - To the person/1 person on this planet I love above all others.

I do love ya Dad. I do.

Okay it is almost time for me to take the puppy down to the ocean past Living Forest for rock picking/doggy walk time - - And then more gardening - - Hopefully the weather today co-operates.

This is sent with hope that there is still room in your heart for

Me.

My heart has always been Yours.

Love you,

Charlene Ann.

Talent does not mean that you have to be an artist who paints
masterpieces, or a gymnast who does flips. Talent resides
within you right now, in many different ways.

Caring for others is a talent, teaching is a talent, making people feel
welcome is a talent, solving problems is a talent and parenting
is a talent.

Never underestimate your talents and try not to compare or wish for
the talents of others. Focus on and accept the talents you have,
and you will find great fulfillment in life.

Seize A Moment

Seize a moment
and make it your own
and fill it with lifestyles
that your life has grown.
Seize a moment
and paint with your color
so that the moment
looks like no other.
Seize a moment
as a hungering child
to fill up your mind
with moments gone wild.
Seize a moment
from all that you've done
and find all the lessons
to make good begun.
Seize a moment
with things that you've learned
and see how much better
some things are discerned.

~Author Unknown

Well the gym I had to get away from because of numerous reasons - let's see - what bothered me BEFORE the jacuzzi tonight and the wine and the .... lol and the ... hahahaha

I was supposed to perform with a body builder this weekend - I got all psyched up and even went to buy the costume and then he says nope don't need you - and i want the cash back - return the items get cash back - i am like non-returnable items i purchased? so now? do i owe him the money or not? and another person said that he felt pressured into me being in his act and yadda yadda yadda and of which i thought, pressured? i asked 15 million kazillion times if he wanted me to be part? and i was asked for a song for his act((which he is still using and i am sure I will NOT be getting credit for the song choice? - - of course not)) so yah "whatever"

and the other note? i wrote that letter i posted below to yep, the damn british trainer and ZERO RESPONSE so hey, what is the saying? "it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved before?" B.S. on that note!!!

so i am taking the weekend to ignore the gym COMPLETELY - recharge and "breathe" hang in my hammock and probably smoke more .... lol and get some lovin' from my baby boy boxer... and then go back to the madness of the gym on monday night...

until then, the gym no longer exists in my environment... just my immediate environment exists and THAT'S IT

until monday 6 p.m. i am released from the drama LOL then i can go back - ignore the world and do as cory said do it for you, ignore the rest - you are there for YOU AND THAT'S IT - ignore ignore ignore

which i shall do - a new "calm" char will be there and non-reactive, i will no longer react to scott since i am not worthy of even a reply (email/call, whatnot) to my letter ... OUCH lol

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - friend my ass

yep he's an ass and he's a brit lol too damn good looking for his own good hahahaha mmmmmmmmmmmmmm would sure look fantastic in my king-size bed tho!!! mmmmmmmmeow!!!

on that note, more wine, .... and mmmmmmm more wine lol

char

wow the messages i am getting re my experience of the biggest loser boot camp - - i do not write about my experience in length here - i write about it EXTENSIVELY on my personal blog ... in fulllll, graphic detail in short joanna rocks, scotts an ass LMAO shhhhhhhhh making peace with the ass LOL breathe in, breathe out as my buddha friend would say HAHAHAHA

i can't believe the amount of people around the world that are writing/messaging me here since i mentioned that "i am a member of biggest loser boot camp" - my answers are thus:
a) IF u r thinking about doing it, GO4it b) u might be as "lucky" as me and get such an "inspirational" overly enthusiastic BRITISH trainer as me who motivates one every ... Read Moreday (paid for by the british fan club for scott mark douglas, trainer extraordinaire) hahahaha c) seriously DO IT :) oh and i just found out scott HATES 80's tunes which is my BIGGEST love so guess who is bringing in burnt cd's tomorrow for our workout - it's a love-hate relationship ROFL see what FUN u can have? and LOSE WEIGHT, BODY FAT & kick a brits ass (hmmmm i seem to be mentioning his ass allot) too much coffee today hahahaha need another brownie perhaps, RIGHT SCOTT?

Scott -

For some unknown reason, the Greater Power has granted me the ability to type 98 w.p.m. And I am MUCH MORE articulate when writing - - Hence this note from me to the Brit - -

So here is an apology from me to you, in the sincerest form. For some unknown reason, which I can't comprehend, for the life of me, we have come to this very last day.

Here is what I could not say when Scott is smiling down at me (since you are what? A foot taller than me??? HAH) & I get tongue-tied and whatnot, or fall off damn treadmills.

My tunnel-vision/goal was to go into the gym, lose weight and 12-weeks would fly by and ME was NOT noticed by anyone (at the gym). But nooooooooooo – there's this damn Brit with all the dash and charm (way too much for his own damn good) – What is the best way to say this? Okay my life, I live it very boring it would be in YOUR eyes. LOL Sans men. So an a) compliment from a young Brit would yes, throw me far off my goals OR the blowing in my ear yep, gets a reaction. Did you just do it as playful? And what? Expect zero reaction? In all reality and truth, this gal finds the young Brit very good looking and fun and delightful and has a great smile and the most beautiful hands LOL Okay bang goes Scott's head LOL Oh well I've said it To me, you are a fine specimen of a man LOL and I can't handle the flirting, without my mind going “alrighty then let's begin... I'm game, in, whatever, sure!!!– I can't believe it's sincere OMG yah right hahahaha A much younger man sincerely flirting with Me Doesn't happen in My World.

In all honesty, I would be flattered probably to muteness IF the flirting was sincere on your part HAH A date with Scott? A date with A Brit that tells me to my face he is never wrong... And is very stubborn Now if that wasn't a challenge - **giggle** Romantic thoughts? Okay no the thoughts were not **ahem** romantic hahahah Besides, two VERY stubborn people? Together?

So I will admit and just this once, Me noticed and notices the Brit. Do I think it is reciprocated? No. And that is why I do not have “romantic thoughts... I can't see Scott calling Me on a Friday night and saying, “Hey let's hangout and do whatever... Would ever occur.

Would I say Yes to such an invitation? Indeed. Because I think once Scott relaxes – he'd be great fun to be around. Do Brits ever relax? LOL Here have one of my Infamous Brownies **giggle**

So yes I am open to your offer of a friendship – But sure I am willing to kick your butt at anything kind of friendship hahahaha I think the Brit needs his ego brought down a few notches and I am just the girl to do it. HAHAHA Anything but rugby hahaha Never got that sport – and probably never will??? Cycling, swim/wave pool, etc etc ... Throw me into any sport, I am so there.

I would like you to be my partner while Keith is gone in July to see if we can handle one-on-one conversation without killing the other hahaha No Scott flirting and no Me fooling around/goofing off I will give you that IF you choose to be my “workout” partner during that time. Would be an interesting never boring time... hmmmmmmm? If we both release the flirting/fooling around personas ...

So a long winded way of Me saying sorry - how's that stubborn Brit? Did I do okay? Did I pass? LOL

Okay I liked the flirting, just not at the gym – I would absolutely kill myself reacting to it hahahaha Damn you hahaha Outside of the gym? Which I believe is not in your “game” Wimpy Brit – I would enjoy it there from Scott – But then it would be returned and that, I believe, Scott is too much the Brit. I.e. Wimpy hahaha So friends it is 'cuz I can't see Scott ever daring to kiss Me HAH You can't even hold direct eye contact with me – Which I find very curious – Why is that Scott? I also wondered if I did dare to reciprocate – How far would Scott run? So that is about as far as it gets for me hahaha I reciprocate, Scott runs **giggle** So basically, Scott calls, the invitation would be accepted. Besides with you, I could wear my very kinky boots LOL for Height. **SMILE**

Well a very long-winded way of saying I am placing my bets with staying in the Damn Brit's group. “Body by Scott ohbrother ...

But I will tell you this, you blow in my ear ONCE during the following weeks, I am going to introduce you to deep kissing in front of the whole damn gym. **WARNING** Might as well get kicked out of the gym **ahem** with a bang hahahaha So that is the rules here on out
Me...

ok i chose the attached photo to be with this write-up as i am a cutter and my life RIGHTNOW is pushing me - - i can feel the vibration inside going/screaming; cut! cut! cut! remove yourself from your f'd up life... cutttttt... feeeeeel the pleasure/orgasmic of the release...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - so far 2 p.m. i am resisting the urge but tonight??? alone on another saturday night...

okay here are 2 things that are setting me off - -

1) there is a woman and her daughter that i walk with every night - - the woman/mother i like profusely - - the daughter not so much - in fact, the energy i get from her, when near her is EVIL i just can't shake this reading of the kid and she's what all of 12?

i hung out with this kid alone once and the profanity that came out of her mouth and then when she is with her mother... is this angel ??? and together, they talk babytalk together and often when i go walking with them, they do the whole walk/all of 45 minutes... very closely muttering together and whispering and ... to the exclusion of me?

also they are planning their life to be together??? i.e. this is their life plan - - when i/the 12 year old graduate i am going to nursing school and then when i graduate, and work for a few years, then you/mom will have enough money saved up and about the age to retire and you can sell your home and we can buy a winnebago and we can meet guys and have fun - -

ummmmmmmm - are you not supposed to bring your child up so she gains independence???

also the mom does nothing as her life besides her daughter? ummmmmmmm - doesn't date, doesn't socialize OTHER THAN HER DAUGHTER? is this normal? always the daughter has to tag along when we walk together? wierd? or am i off-base?

dunno - i don't have a kid ...

the 2nd thing is i have a neighbor that is right across the street from me and her life is to watch my every move - - and gossip about it to my other neighbors? and other neighbors have told me this ??? omFg? get a life? she sits on her deck and watches me? f'g eerie???

now our other neighbor has taken up this same cause? i did not know "my" life is so flipping interesting?

omg i am so moving in a year SOMEHOW - - i give myself a year to get the cash together to get the hell out of my present situation or else i WILL BE cutting and daily...

right now i am listening to tunes loudly and cleaning my home... from one end to the other and crying...

anyone want to trade lives with me? please do...

me...

The Workout DAMMIT lol
ok i thought that you would "enjoy" my latest workout session with the Damn Brit ((and look on my profile page, there's a picture of him there)) we do a warmup before the workout session with him... So I was on the treadmill right? I thought, hey I am getting the hang of this let's put it up to "almost" running i.e. basically a fast walk, k?
so the treadmill is in front of the tv so i get to watching the tv, which is muted so you read the news, not hear the news, k?
so i am in lala land "zoning out" not at all aware of anyone or anything, when i feel this like something teasing my left ear. softly, tho. i immediately think its a fly or my hair tickling my ear, i brush it away...
then like 15 seconds later, it occurs again, this time i look to my left and there is scott RIGHTTHERE like we are almost nose to nose lol i jump like straight up LITERALLY
and then when i land i am facing him, and the treadmill is still going the running speed
so where does char go? to the end of the treadmill where i land on my ass, almost flip over and end up in a little ball
i am mad as hell, feeling foolish as hell, and is he helping me up? noooooo he's doubled over laughing...
i am thinking, i can be dead and he is
LAUGHING
i
hate
him
forever
now
but does it end there? nooooooo
during our workout session/group - he asks me way into it how are you charlene?
i say fine scott and you?
and while i am saying that, he is winking at me = ahhhhhhhhh lol
i ignore him for the rest of the session lol

WTF is he doing? and why? lol
explainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn me confused lol

I want to take this time to say THANK YOU. Two words that I very often do not say...

To my "teachers" of late...

1) Joanna Dunn - she is just an awesome woman - Let's just name a few of her "accomplishments" She runs a gym, has written 5 fitness books, has 3 sons (2 of which are adorable 1 year old twins), has been in many a body-building contest and whew! I met her to join The Biggest Loser Boot Camp - - For 12 weeks this summer.

So far week one I GAINED 1 lb CRAP CRAP CRAP - I was royally pissed at myself. Because everyone else lost weight.

Week 2 I lost 14.5 lbs and now I am a BELIEVER!!! I listen to every word that comes forth from her pretty mouth hahahaha

The second "teacher" is a surprise actually - My trainer Scott I think does not know what to do with me. Nor I with him. I just stand there and think; Very nice. And then forget to workout.

There is no IF there LOL So we will let that go.

But he is quite a trainer. He makes it fun, actually as you groan your way through each and every workout. Which so far is one extended sweat.

It just helps that he has the most beautiful "everything" as you workout LOL

I've attached the photo because that is basically Scott (on top) as he is explaining what we are to do in the workout and how he stops me from goofing off hahahaha

well today is not a good day - - feeling old, feelin' fat, feelin' alone and all of that... and fightin', my "edge" seems to have drifted away...

don't know if i want to continue the fight to lose weight... UGH ... much more comfortable hiding in my hole/home...

like c'mon who would seriously want to date this old workhorse? yah right ... ugly as can be, etc etc

i have decided that i am just going to go workout, not talk to anyone and just workout... that's it...

no more goofiness, just working out - - yep.

why? because i am so flipping boring hah ugly and everything... bad. yep

I just realized today that I REALLY do not know how one, in today's society, shows an interest in another human being LMAO

Like let's use Scott, my trainer, as an example...

I ask him out? Is that acceptable? I "wait" for him to clue-in and ask me out? Like I really do not know how the "game of love" is played these days

YIIIII

Hi Scott, I would like to spend some time with you

OMG that sounds so lame, needy,

Or I wait until he asks me out?

Or I just what? Smile at him allot?

Oh yeah, I can "just" what? Hope he just "magically" what? Dumps his girlfriend he travelled halfway across the world for? For what? ME?

Old woman that is battling a weight problem? Can't even be bold enough to what? Tell him hey I think you are Marvelous? FunnY/worthy of getting to know? For what? A long time? Let's travel B.C. together and hang? After this 12-weeks is all over?

YAH f'g right LMAO

She/the girlfriend is young, young, young,

and I am old.

End of story.

I can't even get this going as a WHAT-IF lol Because I look around my reality and can't see "him" in it.

Hey Scott, I live in a trailer, I have a beat-up car, I live with my cat and my boxer and I am going back to school in September and I have dreams.

Absolutely NOTHING to offer the man.

I will let this fantasy go, because I CAN'T see him choosing me.

Although I would love to have that smile my way ALLOT. Especially first thing in the morning. Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

Not going to happen. Get over it.

Oh yeah, hey Scott, I am nocturnal and love to listen to tunes - and just hang, is that your cuppa tea, as well? I love to cuddle and have you smile at me, and I would love to lean against your shoulder and just learn about you... Slowly and have that smile ALLOT.

I in turn would give you fire and passion and smiles in return, because I think you are just marvelous and I am so f'g scared to tell you that. For why? You are taken.

UGH.

Yeah me and you.

Give it a shot.

Not going to occur. Get over it Char.

Okay let's try a one night stand mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Would love to curl around you and purrrrrr, or have you say my name slowly and watch your eyes, as I kiss you the first time... Mmmmmmmmmmmm...

Not

F'g

Likely.

I AM FOOLISH

In the middle of a workout, I am daydreaming since my body is screaming in pain...

When my right hand seems to have a mind of its own... I dare to touch Scott, my trainer, he is working out beside me, since I am always the one goofing off.

I trace his inner wrist, and the jolt is electric. I nearly jump out of my skin. And then the moment is gone. I am sure he never even noticed. But I sure did.

The workout itself was a joke. Two many people for the area we were working out in. Scott obviously did not want to be there - - We did the workout at the speed of light - -

But there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! No Scott Sunday!!!

6'3 with brown eyes and a girl friend he rushes home to.

Get a life Char LOL To go camping with which he rushes home to do. Yah. Yay.

Well so that's that - - shooooooe him out of my dreams now LOL

I just don't understand why he has to workout beside me ALL THE FRIGGING TIME lol.

Let me goof off in peace LOL

The reason I am going thru this pain is to looooooose weight UGH UGH UGH I don't think I want to anymore HAH

PAINFUL

I would like Scott to say once, Hey Char, you are doing great.

Without the sarcasm in his voice. Or smile at me. Just me. Yah right. I want to kiss the boy LOL It can't be all that. HAHAHAHAHA

I want him to see me as Sexy as the Girl in the Photo I've attached. Perhaps his shirt?

Yah right he rushes home to a YOUNG LASS of beauty not a used up old show-horse like me. Battling a weight problem.

SIGH

Reality bites.

Let me detour to fantasy - -

Driving down the highway one day, I notice a motorcycle stopped by the side of the road.

Yah right.

It would go more like this.

A motorcycle zooms pass me as I am laboring away, trying to change a tire. I have no flipping idea how to, but am struggling nonetheless.

The motorcycle turns around and zooms back, slowing down, as I stand up and toss my hair in frustration. Thinking, F!!!!!!!

I chew on my bottom lip, thinking, I really should be in the 21st century and actually have a cell phone LOL Last of the Idiots of technology. 'Cuz how am I getting out of this one? Miles from home, ???

When I hear, "Char?"

My neck snaps my head around, only ONE damn English male accent I know, really. I slowly turn my head, thinking, what are the odds?

He removes his bike helmet and the smile appears.

I see it is indeed Scott and I rush over, "Oh Scott, I am having the most horrible day, I don't know how to change a tire, and I am confused and I don't have a cell phone and - - "

He puts his hand up, shushing me with a touch to my lips, saying, "You have dirt on your upper lip, let me brush it off."

He touches my lip and I can no longer breathe. I look up at him, and think, Scott I've wanted to kiss you...

He reaches under my hair and slowly moves me closer, the movement seems forever before our lips touch.

I whisper, "Scott - - "

He smiles at me, "Char, you talk too damn much, just kiss me."

"Oh I talk - - "

The kiss is electrifying.

I feel it right down to my toes. I do not want it to end, and reach towards him, thinking, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The kiss deepens and I break it. "Wow Englishmen kiss devinely!"

"Always the last word Char, yah?"

I just smile up at him, thinking, not if you kiss me like that - - Again and again and again.

The fantasy stops there LOL

Ok I am NOT thinking of the guy ONCE tomorrow or Sunday or Monday.

GOAL.

Single Female Available...

Interests:

Must love animals as there is always 1 or 2 animals in my world and constant... I love gardening, the ocean, cycling and currently working out. Art is dominant in my world as well. As well as collecting "stuff".

The Man I Seek:

Must have a sense of humour... To a level of warped sense **GRIN** A clean-freak; sure!!! Love to cook and shop and like that.

Wow I am doing so well, not LOL

Ugh just lately I am feeling blue about coming home to a quiet home ((other than Taz the Spaz my over-energized Boxer LOL))

I have lived with someone before - - What I miss about "that" is the lazy Sunday mornings - - Just hangin', the spontaneity of sex on kitchen counters and wherever **evil grin**, going for drives "just because we want to make another memory", and cycling together and just "being". Nicknames.

Who Am I? Unique, colorful, and I am a strong individual, but can find a quiet side of me, as well. I am a sucker for PDA's - - Like recently I had a dream that I was proposed to in the following way:

I was at a Vancouver Canucks game when there was an announcement, "Is there a CharleneAnn in the building? Stand up if you are here, the Mascot needs to find you at this time, as you have won a Vancouver Canuck's jersey, personally signed by Loungo!!!"

So I stand up and laugh, thinking, excellent!!!

The mascot comes running up to me and has a jersey rolled up into a tight little ball, I unravel it and a small box, rolls out, with loud applause, and on the screen there is "Will you marry me, CharleneAnn?"

Yessssss.

The announcement continues, "CharleneAnn, you have also won a trip for two to Las Vegas, with 5,000$ and a paid wedding at the Elvis Chapel!!! Leaving right now, the limosine awaits for you, and YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!"

The dream ends.

LOL

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I have joined Biggest Loser BootCamp - 2nd week of 12 weeks = AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So here is the dilemma I joined of course to lose weight & instead the trainer is like ummmmmmmmmmmmmm beyond HOT but ((there are always BUTS in such tellings LOL)) he was like born the year I grad from High School OMFG LMAO

But let's just describe the VERY YOUNG MAN shall we? Okay first off - - He's a damn Englishman... Secondly he has a girlfriend T/G or else there'd be moves & being embarrassed big time LOL

But let's just daydream shall we? Describe the young man? Okay I am turned on by a man's hands & he has the looooong fingers which I like - Perfect hands.

Tanned, which is because it's summer LOL

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly hair/sandy blond, perfect Osmond-size teeth and it's the eyes that have my thoughts bouncing all over the place. Teddy-bear brown eyes and cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly eyelashes.

Whenever he looks at me, the slowwwww smile begins and all that. & I just smile at him like an idiot.

So hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - A wee bit distracting LOL

But its just on my side - - But it is "FUN" to dream, hmmmmmmmmm?

Like today, I had a job interview for the art council of nanaimo and so i had put on minimal of makeup on - which is basically my fave; purple eye shadow and a bit of liner and so I would look more "alive" for the interview.

So I am working out on the recliner bike and Scott comes up and says, "I really like your eyes. Y'know, how you've done them today? Very nice."

I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the sentence, so he began to smile, that damned slow smile and said, "Very pretty, today, your eyes."

"Oh I had a job interview today so had to primp."

"Oh yes, I would like to tell you that I have read your entire facebook page, I was being nosy."

"OH?" Thinking ummmmmmmmm Why LOL

So I workout at the front to enjoy glances (MINE) at this cutey pie LOL and his slow smiles.

Which is just nuts. He's, I believe, living with a girl. Like he'd look at this old hag HAH

Hi Scott, care to go out? Catch a movie?

WHAT PART OF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND CHAR?

ummmmmmmmm All of it once you smile at me, so how about that movie and we begin something? And I replace that Canadian gal that got ya here in the first place?

YA RIGHT.

I drive a beatup Mazda I am going back to school/University to finish a degree I started basically WHEN he was born and yadda yadda yadda

And in all actuality, I could not sleep last night because he was in my bed last night allllllllllllllllll night long - At least everytime that I did fall asleep. So yes it was VERY restless.

DAMMIT. LOL

CUPID - THE TV SHOW

I am sure this TV Show will appeal to the masses - Due to a) The actor who plays Cupid is just adorable b) women will immediately "fall in love" with the concept of this show...

I was thrilled with tonight's show - The idea of a public/very public display of LOVE for another - - A notice on New Year's Eve/Times Square - Yah I am one of "those" girls that would love a public way of a declaration of Love.

My way? A hockey game - - Preferably a game where Wayne Gretzky would witness it LOL As he was my first young girl's choice of a groom HAHAHAHAH

And a singer/guitarist that declares his love for another - Who doesn't LOVE that concept? C'monnnnnnnnnnn... And with an Irish accent? Okay, sure.

I have enjoyed this show. And I am hooked.

I just wish Cupid would enter my world and help my lust/love life along HAH

I just seem that I have been 1 BIG PMS'ing bloated female for like the last 30 days straight...

Right now I am walking around with these HUMONGOID breasts - - Like FF's...

But the only bright spot is my Boxer - He has made it so much easier...

Amen.

It's a I Hate Being a Girl Day - -

Y'know you are PMS'ing When...

A hottie calls you to tell you he's on his way over for a bootie call - and by the time he arrives you are asleep due to the anti-pms'ing "drugs" you have taken thruout the day...

You walk around for the day with what it feels like water jugs on your chest

You can't make decisions because it feels like your brain is swimming within your head...

Oh and let's not go into the lower back pain...

Yeah its GREAT being a girl...

Now let me go cry again into my pillow ... groannnnn... **heavy sigh**

no photo 2day as i am typing this on my laptop...

i am wondering about the sanity of me lol really... here is why...

i am so not 16... 2x that is my age... yet my reaction 2 this situation is like that of a 16 t.o. GIRL...

i have been conversing w/a man that i 'KNEW' in h.s. - we had been conversing every day chats in fact of which i had started JUST 2 enjoy...

lately??? NOTHING nada... zip...zero... i write & ask wazzzzzzzzzzzzup? i quite lik(d) our fun chats... he writes back, relax, breathe, i am just very busy...

yet

i zoom around f'book & lookee lookee he's chatting up a storm w.every1 else sending videos pokes and whatnot... to mannnnnnny people and me??? zip nadda zilch...

this is a man 2 be my guide in 2010 of a foreign country/city...

yep i react like the 16 y.o. w/the crush i had on this lad way back when... UGH...

well i will a) retreat; 2 can 'play' that game b) let what will be - - be c) not write 2 him AGAIN until IF he writes to me - - i just hear that nauseating writer dude screaming; HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO U - - ughughugh

i so liked it when he was lol he was funny, witty, sarcastic and more in the chats - bummer... i miss him and our chats - -

we are both 2 be in the same province in july - whoopee - no invite or whatnot - yah yah not that into - -

SHUDDUP I HEAR U lol i get it ...

-charann
i lost out 2 a snuggie lol hahahahahaha

he probably is not a) that great of a kisser b) might... what will be, will be - TRUTHFULLY??? i'd love 4 him 2 surprise me w/a visit this summer - - YAH RIGHT

I find my exhaustive need for Control
is Weakening
Yet my desire for short term of any form is gone.
I have said good bye to my BoyToys
I have never felt so
Alone.
I reach out to another
He chooses another. How f'ly ironic ;)
I am
not enjoying that.
I dare to be open and what does it get me?
Silence from the other side.
Blah.
Bah.
Humbug
and all that.
I force all my hurt, pain and inner screams onto a canvas of reds, oranges and yellows - - all
Vibrant.
Solid lines all.
Nothing broken on my canvas - - all solid.
One heart I draw tho, off to the side, is jagged and sliding down to the bottom of the canvas and beyond
Johnny Cash sings in the background is apt.
Another quotes Budha; "We are the results of our thoughts."
Oh yes - is this meant as "I think, therefore I am..." ???
Therefore I think I am hurting, therefore I am.
Not for long as this canvas I press deeply with my fingertips, almost tearing through...
I outline a tear, deep into the canvas, far away from the broken heart, jagged too.
Ahhhh why do I?
Dare to care?
Even in this small way?
Far away I will run, back to the ocean, the sea, and its breezes.
With or without champagne.
Blurring it all? You say? Submerging it? Once again?
Oh but it is much better to be that way - - blurred and removed -
IF
my reality where you are concerned is
Hurt. You having chose another.
Blurred is a much saner choice.
Can't wait for the surfboard and the winds and the coldness of the ocean beneath my feet, board and riding...
The waves
Instead of a
Man.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
-charann

note to self - he no longer writes to me - SIGH

hey i can't sleep so thought that i would say hello to my handsome pal - how are you?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm - ok if you were here, you would find char hiding under covers of late, hating being a girl UGH, and needing a hug - friends hug don't they LOL hey i wanted to tell you i enjoy writing to you - i guess it is because a) you are married b) so that cancels out COMPLETELY the sexual tension lol c) so i can be relaxed and d) we will only meet in 2010 with a beginning - middle - ending e) no risk and i get to see a tremendously beautiful country on a bike with a handsome guide with NONE of that tension & who i can talk to & zero risk to char's heart so its only a win win situation :)

i love your replies because they are so very precise (so unlike mine LOL) so i learn from that & continue so we are friends and that is good...

you are lucky to be married - you have someone you can curl up to - that is the ONE thing that i miss from a relationship is the curling up with - just the "excitement" of crawling into bed & "knowing" there is a warm body there... that is cuddable... warm and very much into spooning LOL i know i know i am probably glorifying my long ago relationship but that ONE room was where we excelled - it was when we moved from that room it crumbled... but i miss the warmth of that ONE moment of crawling under a comforter time... having him already in bed, and walking into the room and mmmmmmmm... yah you are lucky to be married... that is my search lol someone who likes that too & of which the relationship doesn't crumble BEYOND that moment...

i guess what i find sexy about you which surprised the caca out of me - is how damn SMART you are - - ok this is char being complimentary and falling flat LMAO i so enjoy talking/chatting with you - so in that regard i am glad that there is none of the "other" tension so i CAN relax around you and not put THAT char into gear - okay this is not making sense to you - - you are my first male friend - - isn't that horrible? 42 and never a male FRIEND - - i always was the forward one and said, so ya wanna fuck or what? lol so this is all new to me - - pardon the stupidity but i am like a kid learning something very new HAH but i thoroughly ENJOY chatting with you - many times i feel left behind LOL so i TG for google LOL and persevere... but i think overall i do pretty well LOL the one thing you said that i am trying to revamp into my own characteristic BADLY is you let things happen - i so HAVE TO plan EVERYTHING (control sure LOL) down to the last detail - i think it is from living solo for so long or ?? so i am taking that into my meditative state and trying to coordinate that INTO me "somehow"

u are not going beyond mb borders are you when you visit? in july?

hmmmmmmm - i am looking at my today's agenda - - i hire a cleaning lady LOL isn't that horrible?? its like i am not FULLY female - - i am phobic about cleaning (((LONG story as to the why & VERY VERY VERY boring/sad/tragic))) so i instead give back to the local business by hiring locally and women only run cleaning agency :) also finishing more painting and tonight is my Grad. ceremony of which my dates are 4 women :) All new friends since I moved to Nanaimo...

mmmmmmmmmm... i am going to paint and watch the sun come up with a cup of java ...

i've attached another funny 4shawn LOL

write soon, tell me to breathe lol

and sorry but i try to write little emails to you but this is a SHORT one LOL you say the shawn of yesterday is gone but for me that smile helped me thru many a time LOL & now you are my email pal :) so its all good ...

take care, sent with a bear hug,
char

that will be my last email to the man - so "what shall be, will be" me thinks that he much more prefers the chocolate m&m's

Hello - -
I am thinking that I am going thru changes - Recently I had 2 men re-enter my world - Man No.1 is what I call my "BabyDaddy" as that is what he is. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant at 5 months along. Why did I not find out until so far along? Because I was an avid cyclist ((300+ km/day)) and I had long since no longer had the monthly. So to not have it for X amount of months was not noted, by me.

Then all of a sudden voila - - a kangaroo pouch :) No morning sickness either, just this lil' pouch that stopped me from being able to do up my jeans.

The Daddy disappeared with another, who was already pregnant - - Yea I "REALLY" knew how to pick 'em!!!

He re-entered my world recently - and I just sent him on his way - Explaining my reason why as I did so - - Basically that I always felt that he was with me but not "with" me - - I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder for something "better" "younger" "faster" LOL But you get the idea.

Not a comforting feeling for a potential long-term relationship.

Dude No.2 was a Pick-up - A VERY good looking pickup, but a pickup nonetheless. Which would be hours, and hours of hot sex. 6'2 and eyes of Striking blue. And dumb as dumb can be. The only game he could wrap his mind around was X and O's LOL So VERY good looking, hung and dumb LOL

I sent him on his way, telling him that I was looking for something more long term, steady and whatnot. The look on his face was definitely a kodak moment. I think he was dragging his jaw back to his van LOL

This was a man that help me christen every surface and shower/bath tub of my home. LOL Twice. HAH.

Yet I send him away?

So now I sit here SEXLESS or even the potential of fast/hard sex-less - AHHHHHHHHH I am a girl that loves sex SPONTANEOUS sex. The most memorable place I've had sex? The Revolving Restaurant/Vancouver elevator on the way down. We pressed the Emergency Stop button and yep - -

Or on a bar stool, just lifting my looooong skirt and slowly riding as he sipped his drink, sometimes unsteadily LOL I think his groan at the end and grabbing my hips gave it away LOL

So for me to send these 2 potentials away - - Who am I "becoming" ??? A dried up old spinster? Or opening the way to my SPECIAL one?

Right now I don't know as I paint my walls and wonder...

Char

Look into the mirror daily and say I LOVE YOU - and listen to the words that come up - - The negative ones - Listen for the voices that are going to come up that say why I don't love me - It will be hard - It won't feel true - - e.g. Too fat, family hates you - and say THANK YOU for supporting yourself and then say I thank you for your support but these beliefs no longer serve me any more. I am willing to change these beliefs and I am willing to honour and respect ME.

I respect myself and people love and respect me. - - BIG ONE.

Everyone I meet likes me and respects me.

Then move onto people that meet me love and respect me.

NEW MANTRA - I AM WILLING TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF to I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

This is a 3month transition.

Daily Mantra into the mirror.

The change will be to start doing and respecting oneself naturally.

Every day throughout the day. DAILY; minimum 5 - 6/day.

AFFIRMATIONS.

Carry around these thoughts in one's daytimer.

Listen to all kinds of things WILL come up e.g. Nobody will love me because I am too fat.

Basic is nobody will love you until you love yourself.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Another one of my dreams:

I was at the Prystupa farm - - Me, Terri, Traci (the twins) and Dave Prystupa. We had a steel-frame dune buggy that we were doing circular race with. Timed. At the beginning of the race C. Thomas Howell strapped you in - - Of today.

Why C. Thomas Howell? I don't know LOL It's a dream. So I am putting on the helmet, look up and its C. Thomas Howell looking down at me, and smiling. He quickly teaches me how to quick-shift and I am busy nodding and smiling (which he can't see, since I am now IN the helmet lol). I give the thumbs up and the flag is lowered for me to begin.

I race around the circular speedway and come to the end, and there is Christopher Aitkins (Atkins? of Blue Lagoon fame, waving me to the end. Christopher of Today.)

He tells me that my time is the best time of the day, and I jump out of the steel-framed dune buggy and grab him and kiss him. Of course, the helmet has "mysteriously" disappeared.

He gives me one of those "shy" Christopher smiles and life is good.

Where this dream came from, I don't kow. LOL

I had a dream last night - - The first time in a very very long time - -

Of my Grandmother Hanslip on my maternal side - - I was just a toddler - - And still, or rather, even then an individual on my own.

I waddled across the road, 4? 5? And walked into Grandma's open arms. I told her, "I miss you, I do."

She lifted me up and stroked my head and went, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, everything is going to be fine, soon."

She continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head as the dream faded away.

I am guessing that this dream is about my thinking/wondering if I should visit Manitoba or anywhere soon.

Or not.

I am trying to arrange a trip to see someone that I would very much like to see - - I hear news of another that knows this person as well and I have to pay for my trip yet this other person gets everything paid for by the person that I am wanting to see? Why?

I don't begin to understand people or their actions - - Why I must pay for everything yet this other person goes to the same place and everything is paid for?

I have not completely decided yet IF I am going there. Or staying home. Hibernating which I do very well.

I asked someone to be my escort to a family affair and he does not even think that my invite is worthy of a reply. Of yes or no or anything.

I am retreating and not talking to anyone for awhile. As I think this all over.

Goodbye.

Retreat is often the best means of Offense.

I am going to continue cycling and working out and doing what I do best; retreating.

Goodbye Mr. P and what never was. You told me that enough.

Goodbye Mr. T and what you never let be. Even when I offered as a Friend.
To you.

I do not know about you... But for me I have to do daily "lists" of what must be done for that particular today - -

Like for example, today's list consists of MUST do laundry ((all day job; own a dalmatian)), finish painting of floors and finish putting furniture back in place, goodwill of excess (which is allot) and grocery shopping.

All in one day - - yay!!!

Char

The things that one finds as one is doing a reno of one's home - -

Love Note from Jim - -

Transcribed verbatim;

August 18, - - - -

The day after our worst fight yet. God I hate even saying that, but it seems to be true. Will you never believe what I say? Is it that we have been apart for so many years that it doesn't seem real that I could all of a sudden have feelings for you now? If that is the case, I can understand it, but I am telling you that thought no longer applies. I have "developed" much stronger feelings than I thought I would. As I said last night, probably one of the main reasons, if a selfish one at that, is the knowledge of the feelings you have for me. Knowing that you love me now and thought about me for so long is one of the best feelings I could have. Now just because I said that, don't get the teenage idea that the only reason I like you is because you like me. Other reasons that I know you would love for me to say (and I will because they are true) are: 1) your independence; I don't like what you do some times for money but in an unfortunate way, I am proud of the fact that you have made 'ends meet' for a few years. 2) Yours looks; I think that you are very good looking, I like your big blue eyes and you look so cute when you brush your teeth. 3) Your laugh which I haven't heard enough of lately. You always make me feel good by laughing at all the stupid things I say. 4) Your nick-nacks; that's right your toys... everywhere... I'm not sure exactly why but it makes me feel that you are not lazy like me... you have a love for life that you always want to remember... nomatter if what you are doing is relatively low key, or is big, exciting or important. 5) Your birds and cat; it shows that you love animals and living things like I do. 6) Your attitude towards people; you are down-to-earth and certainly not stuck-up... you could befriend anybody... you are very friendly and you make people feel at ease by your warmth... although I think you could be a little less forgiving. 7) Your love for sex; I need not say much here except I hope you don't lose interest in sex... with me. 8) Your enjoyment of sports. I now realize for various reasons you haven't done too much activity since I came out, but what I mean is that you have a mind for athletics... some women are completely inept at throwing, running, jumping, catching etc. or they have no interest what-so-ever in watching sports. I know if we had the money we could participate in more and watch more. 9) The fact that you are not lazy; unlike me when you have to do something you simply do it, nothing said and no big deal. When I have something to do, everybody has to know and it's a big production... I could take some lessons. 10) Finally you are you. Everybody has faults and you have yours, but i didn't come out here for nothing. And I certainly wouldn't be staying here if I didn't want to. I left alot in Manitoba and I miss my friends and family that I have there, but right now I want to see if things can work between us... especially if we can find jobs. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that the only other girls in my life that mean anything are: Mom, Em, Kell, Coll and Ria. I'm just sorry I can't buy you a nick-nack like everybody else did to show that I care for you.
"Jim"
James Curtis Baldwin
aka "MyJimmy"

no comment from Char of Today

Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann

As one gets to a certain "age" and one's birthday passes one tends to reflect... At least I did on this past birthday - -

I took out my yearbooks of high school and I reflected... How far had I come? Really? And I found that lil' girl was quite lost and scared and all that. The signings of "friends" all showed how much of a boy-crazed gal I was - - When in reality I was love-starved. I was the joiner of Clubs - - To get the hell away from the abuse of the homefront.

My marks were shit, as I spent my days daydreaming of when I could LEAVE. That's it.

Recently a friend asked, what is the negative remark of another you have never let go of? Two actually - Both from the Father figures of my Life - Step-Father and Biological Father - SF: "You are INVISIBLE you will never make a ripple in this world, no matter what you do you are INVISIBLE, never mind how UGLY you are." So I carried that thru my adult life and teens to barrel thru life - - With noise and being the "crazy" one - Why? Because I was INVISIBLE - - No one was noticing Me.

The attachment of the UGLY did not hit until later - - As I spent my 20's modelling/petite modeling - - anything and everything - - Bikinis, lingerie and stripper clothes as the petite frame and DD's worked quite well with the attire. Everyone praised the beauty of Me. Yet did I hear it? NOPE.

After falling in love once, lust several times and all that, and all of the ramifications that brings - These men only reinforced the UGLINESS/INVISIBILITY I could not escape.

After that I literally "did" disappear hurt, tired and afraid. Comfort was food. And now I am me. No longer the Petite Model.

I have had an epiphany on this birthday - - I had lived my life/entire on what others' thought/described of ME. Where the hell was my Definition of ME?

As I listen to Olivia Newton John cd GRACE AND GRATITUDE - - one line sticks out "even broken birds sing" - - Hmmmmmmmm...

As I cry tears of the broken wing of the child within, I find the power to stand up at last. No longer eyes cast down, in shame, when I meet someone new.

Yes I am no longer thin - - That can change - - As the fire within begins again - - I am flawed, scared and no longer broken.

I am doing things S/F and Father would be shocked over - - But I am NOT doing it for **THEM** their approval no longer. It is for Me. To show the world ME.

Yes I am Unique, yes I am not like anyone else, and I tend to march to my own drummer, solo and all that, but get to know me - - I am pretty Awesome. My best quality? My door is always open for friends, coffee is always nearby, and as I am an insomniac you can also phone anytime **GRIN**

Just ask my Animals **silly grin**

Char
now I go back to ripping out my carpets and bless the new floor with tears of renewal as I have never done such a thing before but I am strong, I am Woman, and fuck you on the Invisibility!!! S/F lol I look around me and notice the many ways I am so NOT.

Oh sure I've made errors along the way - - And have regrets. Two people come straight to mind, but I can only "control" me and what will be, will be.

Back to the carpet and my cafe mocha :)