I just seem that I have been 1 BIG PMS'ing bloated female for like the last 30 days straight...

Right now I am walking around with these HUMONGOID breasts - - Like FF's...

But the only bright spot is my Boxer - He has made it so much easier...

Amen.

It's a I Hate Being a Girl Day - -

Y'know you are PMS'ing When...

A hottie calls you to tell you he's on his way over for a bootie call - and by the time he arrives you are asleep due to the anti-pms'ing "drugs" you have taken thruout the day...

You walk around for the day with what it feels like water jugs on your chest

You can't make decisions because it feels like your brain is swimming within your head...

Oh and let's not go into the lower back pain...

Yeah its GREAT being a girl...

Now let me go cry again into my pillow ... groannnnn... **heavy sigh**

no photo 2day as i am typing this on my laptop...

i am wondering about the sanity of me lol really... here is why...

i am so not 16... 2x that is my age... yet my reaction 2 this situation is like that of a 16 t.o. GIRL...

i have been conversing w/a man that i 'KNEW' in h.s. - we had been conversing every day chats in fact of which i had started JUST 2 enjoy...

lately??? NOTHING nada... zip...zero... i write & ask wazzzzzzzzzzzzup? i quite lik(d) our fun chats... he writes back, relax, breathe, i am just very busy...

yet

i zoom around f'book & lookee lookee he's chatting up a storm w.every1 else sending videos pokes and whatnot... to mannnnnnny people and me??? zip nadda zilch...

this is a man 2 be my guide in 2010 of a foreign country/city...

yep i react like the 16 y.o. w/the crush i had on this lad way back when... UGH...

well i will a) retreat; 2 can 'play' that game b) let what will be - - be c) not write 2 him AGAIN until IF he writes to me - - i just hear that nauseating writer dude screaming; HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO U - - ughughugh

i so liked it when he was lol he was funny, witty, sarcastic and more in the chats - bummer... i miss him and our chats - -

we are both 2 be in the same province in july - whoopee - no invite or whatnot - yah yah not that into - -

SHUDDUP I HEAR U lol i get it ...

-charann
i lost out 2 a snuggie lol hahahahahaha

he probably is not a) that great of a kisser b) might... what will be, will be - TRUTHFULLY??? i'd love 4 him 2 surprise me w/a visit this summer - - YAH RIGHT

I find my exhaustive need for Control
is Weakening
Yet my desire for short term of any form is gone.
I have said good bye to my BoyToys
I have never felt so
Alone.
I reach out to another
He chooses another. How f'ly ironic ;)
I am
not enjoying that.
I dare to be open and what does it get me?
Silence from the other side.
Blah.
Bah.
Humbug
and all that.
I force all my hurt, pain and inner screams onto a canvas of reds, oranges and yellows - - all
Vibrant.
Solid lines all.
Nothing broken on my canvas - - all solid.
One heart I draw tho, off to the side, is jagged and sliding down to the bottom of the canvas and beyond
Johnny Cash sings in the background is apt.
Another quotes Budha; "We are the results of our thoughts."
Oh yes - is this meant as "I think, therefore I am..." ???
Therefore I think I am hurting, therefore I am.
Not for long as this canvas I press deeply with my fingertips, almost tearing through...
I outline a tear, deep into the canvas, far away from the broken heart, jagged too.
Ahhhh why do I?
Dare to care?
Even in this small way?
Far away I will run, back to the ocean, the sea, and its breezes.
With or without champagne.
Blurring it all? You say? Submerging it? Once again?
Oh but it is much better to be that way - - blurred and removed -
IF
my reality where you are concerned is
Hurt. You having chose another.
Blurred is a much saner choice.
Can't wait for the surfboard and the winds and the coldness of the ocean beneath my feet, board and riding...
The waves
Instead of a
Man.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
-charann

note to self - he no longer writes to me - SIGH

hey i can't sleep so thought that i would say hello to my handsome pal - how are you?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm - ok if you were here, you would find char hiding under covers of late, hating being a girl UGH, and needing a hug - friends hug don't they LOL hey i wanted to tell you i enjoy writing to you - i guess it is because a) you are married b) so that cancels out COMPLETELY the sexual tension lol c) so i can be relaxed and d) we will only meet in 2010 with a beginning - middle - ending e) no risk and i get to see a tremendously beautiful country on a bike with a handsome guide with NONE of that tension & who i can talk to & zero risk to char's heart so its only a win win situation :)

i love your replies because they are so very precise (so unlike mine LOL) so i learn from that & continue so we are friends and that is good...

you are lucky to be married - you have someone you can curl up to - that is the ONE thing that i miss from a relationship is the curling up with - just the "excitement" of crawling into bed & "knowing" there is a warm body there... that is cuddable... warm and very much into spooning LOL i know i know i am probably glorifying my long ago relationship but that ONE room was where we excelled - it was when we moved from that room it crumbled... but i miss the warmth of that ONE moment of crawling under a comforter time... having him already in bed, and walking into the room and mmmmmmmm... yah you are lucky to be married... that is my search lol someone who likes that too & of which the relationship doesn't crumble BEYOND that moment...

i guess what i find sexy about you which surprised the caca out of me - is how damn SMART you are - - ok this is char being complimentary and falling flat LMAO i so enjoy talking/chatting with you - so in that regard i am glad that there is none of the "other" tension so i CAN relax around you and not put THAT char into gear - okay this is not making sense to you - - you are my first male friend - - isn't that horrible? 42 and never a male FRIEND - - i always was the forward one and said, so ya wanna fuck or what? lol so this is all new to me - - pardon the stupidity but i am like a kid learning something very new HAH but i thoroughly ENJOY chatting with you - many times i feel left behind LOL so i TG for google LOL and persevere... but i think overall i do pretty well LOL the one thing you said that i am trying to revamp into my own characteristic BADLY is you let things happen - i so HAVE TO plan EVERYTHING (control sure LOL) down to the last detail - i think it is from living solo for so long or ?? so i am taking that into my meditative state and trying to coordinate that INTO me "somehow"

u are not going beyond mb borders are you when you visit? in july?

hmmmmmmm - i am looking at my today's agenda - - i hire a cleaning lady LOL isn't that horrible?? its like i am not FULLY female - - i am phobic about cleaning (((LONG story as to the why & VERY VERY VERY boring/sad/tragic))) so i instead give back to the local business by hiring locally and women only run cleaning agency :) also finishing more painting and tonight is my Grad. ceremony of which my dates are 4 women :) All new friends since I moved to Nanaimo...

mmmmmmmmmm... i am going to paint and watch the sun come up with a cup of java ...

i've attached another funny 4shawn LOL

write soon, tell me to breathe lol

and sorry but i try to write little emails to you but this is a SHORT one LOL you say the shawn of yesterday is gone but for me that smile helped me thru many a time LOL & now you are my email pal :) so its all good ...

take care, sent with a bear hug,
char

that will be my last email to the man - so "what shall be, will be" me thinks that he much more prefers the chocolate m&m's

Hello - -
I am thinking that I am going thru changes - Recently I had 2 men re-enter my world - Man No.1 is what I call my "BabyDaddy" as that is what he is. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant at 5 months along. Why did I not find out until so far along? Because I was an avid cyclist ((300+ km/day)) and I had long since no longer had the monthly. So to not have it for X amount of months was not noted, by me.

Then all of a sudden voila - - a kangaroo pouch :) No morning sickness either, just this lil' pouch that stopped me from being able to do up my jeans.

The Daddy disappeared with another, who was already pregnant - - Yea I "REALLY" knew how to pick 'em!!!

He re-entered my world recently - and I just sent him on his way - Explaining my reason why as I did so - - Basically that I always felt that he was with me but not "with" me - - I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder for something "better" "younger" "faster" LOL But you get the idea.

Not a comforting feeling for a potential long-term relationship.

Dude No.2 was a Pick-up - A VERY good looking pickup, but a pickup nonetheless. Which would be hours, and hours of hot sex. 6'2 and eyes of Striking blue. And dumb as dumb can be. The only game he could wrap his mind around was X and O's LOL So VERY good looking, hung and dumb LOL

I sent him on his way, telling him that I was looking for something more long term, steady and whatnot. The look on his face was definitely a kodak moment. I think he was dragging his jaw back to his van LOL

This was a man that help me christen every surface and shower/bath tub of my home. LOL Twice. HAH.

Yet I send him away?

So now I sit here SEXLESS or even the potential of fast/hard sex-less - AHHHHHHHHH I am a girl that loves sex SPONTANEOUS sex. The most memorable place I've had sex? The Revolving Restaurant/Vancouver elevator on the way down. We pressed the Emergency Stop button and yep - -

Or on a bar stool, just lifting my looooong skirt and slowly riding as he sipped his drink, sometimes unsteadily LOL I think his groan at the end and grabbing my hips gave it away LOL

So for me to send these 2 potentials away - - Who am I "becoming" ??? A dried up old spinster? Or opening the way to my SPECIAL one?

Right now I don't know as I paint my walls and wonder...

Char

Look into the mirror daily and say I LOVE YOU - and listen to the words that come up - - The negative ones - Listen for the voices that are going to come up that say why I don't love me - It will be hard - It won't feel true - - e.g. Too fat, family hates you - and say THANK YOU for supporting yourself and then say I thank you for your support but these beliefs no longer serve me any more. I am willing to change these beliefs and I am willing to honour and respect ME.

I respect myself and people love and respect me. - - BIG ONE.

Everyone I meet likes me and respects me.

Then move onto people that meet me love and respect me.

NEW MANTRA - I AM WILLING TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF to I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

This is a 3month transition.

Daily Mantra into the mirror.

The change will be to start doing and respecting oneself naturally.

Every day throughout the day. DAILY; minimum 5 - 6/day.

AFFIRMATIONS.

Carry around these thoughts in one's daytimer.

Listen to all kinds of things WILL come up e.g. Nobody will love me because I am too fat.

Basic is nobody will love you until you love yourself.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Another one of my dreams:

I was at the Prystupa farm - - Me, Terri, Traci (the twins) and Dave Prystupa. We had a steel-frame dune buggy that we were doing circular race with. Timed. At the beginning of the race C. Thomas Howell strapped you in - - Of today.

Why C. Thomas Howell? I don't know LOL It's a dream. So I am putting on the helmet, look up and its C. Thomas Howell looking down at me, and smiling. He quickly teaches me how to quick-shift and I am busy nodding and smiling (which he can't see, since I am now IN the helmet lol). I give the thumbs up and the flag is lowered for me to begin.

I race around the circular speedway and come to the end, and there is Christopher Aitkins (Atkins? of Blue Lagoon fame, waving me to the end. Christopher of Today.)

He tells me that my time is the best time of the day, and I jump out of the steel-framed dune buggy and grab him and kiss him. Of course, the helmet has "mysteriously" disappeared.

He gives me one of those "shy" Christopher smiles and life is good.

Where this dream came from, I don't kow. LOL

I had a dream last night - - The first time in a very very long time - -

Of my Grandmother Hanslip on my maternal side - - I was just a toddler - - And still, or rather, even then an individual on my own.

I waddled across the road, 4? 5? And walked into Grandma's open arms. I told her, "I miss you, I do."

She lifted me up and stroked my head and went, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, everything is going to be fine, soon."

She continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head as the dream faded away.

I am guessing that this dream is about my thinking/wondering if I should visit Manitoba or anywhere soon.

Or not.

I am trying to arrange a trip to see someone that I would very much like to see - - I hear news of another that knows this person as well and I have to pay for my trip yet this other person gets everything paid for by the person that I am wanting to see? Why?

I don't begin to understand people or their actions - - Why I must pay for everything yet this other person goes to the same place and everything is paid for?

I have not completely decided yet IF I am going there. Or staying home. Hibernating which I do very well.

I asked someone to be my escort to a family affair and he does not even think that my invite is worthy of a reply. Of yes or no or anything.

I am retreating and not talking to anyone for awhile. As I think this all over.

Goodbye.

Retreat is often the best means of Offense.

I am going to continue cycling and working out and doing what I do best; retreating.

Goodbye Mr. P and what never was. You told me that enough.

Goodbye Mr. T and what you never let be. Even when I offered as a Friend.
To you.

I do not know about you... But for me I have to do daily "lists" of what must be done for that particular today - -

Like for example, today's list consists of MUST do laundry ((all day job; own a dalmatian)), finish painting of floors and finish putting furniture back in place, goodwill of excess (which is allot) and grocery shopping.

All in one day - - yay!!!

Char

The things that one finds as one is doing a reno of one's home - -

Love Note from Jim - -

Transcribed verbatim;

August 18, - - - -

The day after our worst fight yet. God I hate even saying that, but it seems to be true. Will you never believe what I say? Is it that we have been apart for so many years that it doesn't seem real that I could all of a sudden have feelings for you now? If that is the case, I can understand it, but I am telling you that thought no longer applies. I have "developed" much stronger feelings than I thought I would. As I said last night, probably one of the main reasons, if a selfish one at that, is the knowledge of the feelings you have for me. Knowing that you love me now and thought about me for so long is one of the best feelings I could have. Now just because I said that, don't get the teenage idea that the only reason I like you is because you like me. Other reasons that I know you would love for me to say (and I will because they are true) are: 1) your independence; I don't like what you do some times for money but in an unfortunate way, I am proud of the fact that you have made 'ends meet' for a few years. 2) Yours looks; I think that you are very good looking, I like your big blue eyes and you look so cute when you brush your teeth. 3) Your laugh which I haven't heard enough of lately. You always make me feel good by laughing at all the stupid things I say. 4) Your nick-nacks; that's right your toys... everywhere... I'm not sure exactly why but it makes me feel that you are not lazy like me... you have a love for life that you always want to remember... nomatter if what you are doing is relatively low key, or is big, exciting or important. 5) Your birds and cat; it shows that you love animals and living things like I do. 6) Your attitude towards people; you are down-to-earth and certainly not stuck-up... you could befriend anybody... you are very friendly and you make people feel at ease by your warmth... although I think you could be a little less forgiving. 7) Your love for sex; I need not say much here except I hope you don't lose interest in sex... with me. 8) Your enjoyment of sports. I now realize for various reasons you haven't done too much activity since I came out, but what I mean is that you have a mind for athletics... some women are completely inept at throwing, running, jumping, catching etc. or they have no interest what-so-ever in watching sports. I know if we had the money we could participate in more and watch more. 9) The fact that you are not lazy; unlike me when you have to do something you simply do it, nothing said and no big deal. When I have something to do, everybody has to know and it's a big production... I could take some lessons. 10) Finally you are you. Everybody has faults and you have yours, but i didn't come out here for nothing. And I certainly wouldn't be staying here if I didn't want to. I left alot in Manitoba and I miss my friends and family that I have there, but right now I want to see if things can work between us... especially if we can find jobs. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that the only other girls in my life that mean anything are: Mom, Em, Kell, Coll and Ria. I'm just sorry I can't buy you a nick-nack like everybody else did to show that I care for you.
"Jim"
James Curtis Baldwin
aka "MyJimmy"

no comment from Char of Today

Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann

As one gets to a certain "age" and one's birthday passes one tends to reflect... At least I did on this past birthday - -

I took out my yearbooks of high school and I reflected... How far had I come? Really? And I found that lil' girl was quite lost and scared and all that. The signings of "friends" all showed how much of a boy-crazed gal I was - - When in reality I was love-starved. I was the joiner of Clubs - - To get the hell away from the abuse of the homefront.

My marks were shit, as I spent my days daydreaming of when I could LEAVE. That's it.

Recently a friend asked, what is the negative remark of another you have never let go of? Two actually - Both from the Father figures of my Life - Step-Father and Biological Father - SF: "You are INVISIBLE you will never make a ripple in this world, no matter what you do you are INVISIBLE, never mind how UGLY you are." So I carried that thru my adult life and teens to barrel thru life - - With noise and being the "crazy" one - Why? Because I was INVISIBLE - - No one was noticing Me.

The attachment of the UGLY did not hit until later - - As I spent my 20's modelling/petite modeling - - anything and everything - - Bikinis, lingerie and stripper clothes as the petite frame and DD's worked quite well with the attire. Everyone praised the beauty of Me. Yet did I hear it? NOPE.

After falling in love once, lust several times and all that, and all of the ramifications that brings - These men only reinforced the UGLINESS/INVISIBILITY I could not escape.

After that I literally "did" disappear hurt, tired and afraid. Comfort was food. And now I am me. No longer the Petite Model.

I have had an epiphany on this birthday - - I had lived my life/entire on what others' thought/described of ME. Where the hell was my Definition of ME?

As I listen to Olivia Newton John cd GRACE AND GRATITUDE - - one line sticks out "even broken birds sing" - - Hmmmmmmmm...

As I cry tears of the broken wing of the child within, I find the power to stand up at last. No longer eyes cast down, in shame, when I meet someone new.

Yes I am no longer thin - - That can change - - As the fire within begins again - - I am flawed, scared and no longer broken.

I am doing things S/F and Father would be shocked over - - But I am NOT doing it for **THEM** their approval no longer. It is for Me. To show the world ME.

Yes I am Unique, yes I am not like anyone else, and I tend to march to my own drummer, solo and all that, but get to know me - - I am pretty Awesome. My best quality? My door is always open for friends, coffee is always nearby, and as I am an insomniac you can also phone anytime **GRIN**

Just ask my Animals **silly grin**

Char
now I go back to ripping out my carpets and bless the new floor with tears of renewal as I have never done such a thing before but I am strong, I am Woman, and fuck you on the Invisibility!!! S/F lol I look around me and notice the many ways I am so NOT.

Oh sure I've made errors along the way - - And have regrets. Two people come straight to mind, but I can only "control" me and what will be, will be.

Back to the carpet and my cafe mocha :)

Today I am full of anger/angst/fear/trepidation and just overall negativity.

Why? My home is falling apart around me. :(

Then I realize I am but a Tenant. BUT the landlord is the dreaded Father. F.U.L.W. that Father.

I just can't contact him. It makes me want to projectile vomit. And not just figuratively.

So I think, like Scarlett O'Hara "I will think of it tomorrow."

And I wander down to the grocery store. To wander, yes, and somewhat grocery shop. How I think things "through".

Well as I enjoyed my Latte, I sat there and daydreamed, when all of a sudden a man walked by, upon first glance, he looked like one of the ZZTop Guys (bigggg long beard and same overall look). Second glance? He had one arm!!

It hit me "right there" and I just started to bawl. Right there in the coffee shop. I can't write to my Father and this guy is ordering flavoured coffee with one arm? I moved tables so no-one could see my tears. I let it flow. And finished my Latte. Thinking; Okay Greater Power I got the message. OUCH on that one.

Right to the gut eh? Sometimes the message is.

I am crying as I write this. And wish I would have been able to say something to that guy, like, Hey I wanted to slice my wrists rather than deal with my Father and I am middle aged and isn't that STUPID? And you have one arm? And you can smile at people and I am so into ME and my infantile stupidness and you CAN SMILE?

Something is terribly wrong with MY outlook. THANK YOU DUDE.

Whoever you are.

Char

Interpretation of this Dream WOULD Be Greatly Appreciated: ((Here goes))

I am walking down the hill, ambling along in my usual slow way LOL When I see a white bird, lying on the side of the road. But it is a "baby" bird Has all its feathers, eyes partially open, but not really full strength to fly. Hence the lying, partially winded/injured by the side of the road.

I look around for its mother and find no other birdees around. I pick it up and it peeps as I do so, and opens its eyes. I decide to be the Mother. I place it into my pocked amid tissues and wanting to keep it warm.

I continue to a store with the bird still in my pocket and buy formula and an eye dropper and continue home. I am Mom Personified.

I make a shoebox into a "nest" and place my newest baby into it. Listening for peeps, etc. Hoping the warmth of my home will rejuvenate it.

Slowly he/she does so and is, in a couple of days, moving around the box and taking its formula.

It stays white as it grows and maintains living around the trees, by my home as it grows "up".

INTERPRETATION? If any?

Okay if anyone can INTERPRET this dream it would be greatly appreciated!!! I've had it constantly "lately"???

I wake up from a deep slumber, in my bed, my bedroom, I go to stand up and as I stand up my left leg shoots severe pain??? I look down and my upper/front thigh is completely gone??? Skin is folded back, yellowy on the edges (like pus) and even the bone/muscle is gone? I can see into my leg? But the back of my leg skin is still there, and the muscles on the outer and inner thigh are still there? Just a big gaping hole? Like something ate away at my leg???

What DOES this dream mean? Like I said, I've had it several times now??? AHHHHHH???

MY LIFE IN RETROSPECT - -

For the first time in many aday - -
I walked down to the ocean today - -
And sat there and let my brain just race.
Randomly.
I thought of the many twists and turns I said Yes to in my life
and said No to in my life.
I said No to asking someone out - - > because the once in my life "shyness" or rather awkwardness reared its ugly head
I said yes to ending a lifetime career within the Military - - reason being my having breasts declined me from being able to go to the Falkland War - -
I thought I was "VERY" Rambo-esque if not not THE Rambo-ette.
I enjoyed everything of the Army - - being screamed at - - > used to that with my Upbringing therefore I excelled where others fell very short.
I said No to 3 men that asked me "THE" question - - Where are THEY now? Do they think of me? Like I think of them this day?
How very much different would my life have been?
I think of the No's - - I think of the Yes's - -
WTF was I thinking?
I look at my life right now - - Wanting to be held right now and only a boytoy is my choice.
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
I think of the young girl that raced towards her future - - > Thinking "she" would be famous, wanted, desired by the Masses due to her abilities within the Acting Field - -
Oh how many NO'S I received due to my saying NO to silicone anywhere in my body...
BLAH.
I stand before "my" ocean and watch my aged Dalmatian no longer run.
He chooses to sit beside me and nuzzle my armpit - I at least smell good,
for him.
Life could be worse, life could be better.
I am reaching out to my dream and it fucking scares me - - Portfolio X10 has to be "presented" before an Arts Committee on the 28th of March - -
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
Do I have the balls to get that particular YES?
The artist within me screams
YES.
The worthless child that was so abused/abandoned by every parental figure screams NO.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - -
Life and its choices.
I wish he was closer.
But I am no longer the size0 teenage lass so full of pissNvinegar - -
But a Woman with lines
Around her eyes.
Having seen so much -
Many things I did not really need.
May he says, is Canada time.
3 months to lose...
1000 lbs of obesity.
FUCK
SHIT
DAMMIT.
Or dare I present me
with all my very apparent
flaws?
She steps instead upon the treadmill
Seeking that Size0 female
Once
Again.
-charann

You thought you knew me, but you don't know anything at all
My arm shows a graphic picture of the days when I couldn't take it all
I tried to write but the words just wouldn't flow
This is the only way my pain can show.

Do you know what it's like to be stuck in a room,
Where no one can see you and you're to scared to move

Do you know what it's like to just sit and cry,
And not have a clue as to the reason why.

Do you know what it's like to go into a rage,
Slice up your arms and not remember a thing the next day

Do you know what it's like to walk into a room,
And have people you care about tell you there's nothing wrong with you

Do you know what it's like to hide your arms,
Because you don't want to explain about your physical scars.

Do you know what it's like to carry the pain,
Knowing that you're not normal and there's nothing anyone can do or say.

Do you know how it feels to depend on pills to make you feel whole,
Even though in the back of your mind, you hold on to the fear that you'll overdose and die.

Do you know what it's like to feel inner pain and not have anyone but yourself to blame.

Do you know what it's like to want to die,
But you just can't do it and you don't understand why.

Do you know what it's like to give up custody of your daughter,
Because you don't want her to go through the same shit that you did.

Do you know how it feels to be told that you don't deserve your daughter,
When you haven't done anything wrong.

Do you know how it feels not to give a Fuck,
Cause nothing you do will ever add up

Do you know how it feels to pray,
To give you the strength to get through each day

Do you know how it feels to have guys run away,
For you being you,
After they find out the truth

Do you know how it feels to be filled with pain,
And all you want is for it to go away.

Do you know what it's like to hear voices in your head,
Telling you your worthless and you'd be better off dead.

Do you know how it feels to start believing these lies,
Cause that's what you heard your entire life.

Do you know how it feels not to be able to,
Open up to someone who is paid to help you out

You keep your pain inside and tell them that everything is fine,
Then you go home to cry and befriend the knife.

If you don't know what it's like,
Then don't judge me,
Because you just got fucking lucky.

Dear Mr. - -
A letter to the man I have yet to meet - ((or have met and "it" has been taken to the "next" step)) --

Yes I am a SWF and I am writing a letter to you - - My new "Love" of which I am so glad to meet - - Let me describe who you will be meeting ((and hopefully you will contact me after this writing - - wanting to meet and "move it to the next level")) - -

Who is Charlene?

First off, Music is **very** important to me - - Discovering "new" music - - be it local bands (Vancouver has so very many "undiscovered" talent!!!) or cultural music - - ...!!! I listen to music when I cycle, workout, houseclean and yes, even as I write/type this ((listenin' to a 70's music channel)) So you can say that my music collection is quite ecclectic!!

Art is also very important to me - - My own and other's - - I have "collected" art pieces that have "spoken" to me - - Throughout the years. I have only "kept" one of my own art pieces "Chaos" and yes **smile** it comes with a story **GRIN** It's a feel-good story, big time.

Gardening is another passion of mine - Although I have to learn how to landscape, rather than "throw" colour everywhere... **SMILE**

One of my strengths is that I am a **VERY** good friend - - I am "there" for my friends - - Late night phone calls to talk, when in need, is fine... Visits unannounced; "because you needed to talk in-person" is welcome as well. I grew up in the Prairies and the OpenDoor Policy I have never lost **SMILE**

I love all forms of communication - - Be it text messaging, emails, snail mail and have found the latest online addiction; facebook **GRIN**

I can type 98 w.p.m. so that comes with a **WARNING** **SILLY GRIN**

Do I believe in Love at "First" Sight? Still undecided on that one... Lust? Sure. I believe love only grows over time.

Currently my best friend is my Dalmatian, named Bandit and my purrrrr-fect cuddle partner, to slow me down, at the end of the day is my Ragdoll kitty; Meow-Meow ((so named as she "talks" more than I do **GRIN**))

I have my "extreme" side - - I have bungy'd, sky dived, been in the Army/Reserves, done a marathon and I am happiest when I am 4x4'ing - - My "dream vehicle" is a Black (tres shiny) Jeep, with the biggest tires, mag wheels, roll bar ((without the lights)), the biggest woofer stereo - - > you WILL 'hear' me BEFORE I arrive **evil grin** - - Owning that particular vehicle IS a "secret" dream of mine - - ...

Of course, I have my faults - - I am 'not' as close to my family members as "society dictates", my temper is that I walk when I am angry - - But I do it silently so all of a sudden you are talking to a very closed door - - Elevator shutting or car driving away. I refuse to give vent to my anger. I choose instead to walk and think things thru elsewhere. I am an insomniac - - Which gets allot done but at "odd" hours LOL I should workout more...

I love to cook for others - - The tradeoff is usually YOU buy the ingredients, I cook and sing quite happily while I cook. Yes the music is loud, the wine is free flowing and the songs/laughter is all free, while Char cooks for another or a group of people. But **WARNING** I rarely follow the recipe twice LOL Just the first time - - I love for someone to ask; Can you cook this? Provide the ingredients and wait. HAH

Oh don't challenge this gal. LOL

Yes I would very much like to meet YOU Sir. Do not at all enjoy being single hahaha

This is but a "taste" of me; CharleneAnn. Would very much like to meet... YOU. Be it someone new or even someone known... Who would like to take it to the next level.

CharleneAnn
The photos I chose is the Ocean - One of my favourite places to be near.

Saying GoodBye to a Friend That I "Knew" Since Age9

reaching out for YOUR help lol

okay GOAL is to shed shed shed shed the weight i've lost 8 lbs just going vegan since the new year -

so here are the exercise machines that i have at home - set me up with a routine and i will follow it faithfully because me in sadddd shape HELLLLP me my beautiful friend!!!
one rowing machine, one stationary bike, one treadmill machine and one elliptical machine - so there ya go - set up the routine and we will make char as beautiful as kk, yes?

okay on the other note, been clean so far for 2009 - - okay i do not know your history? re drugs-wise, but mine is i swam in them when i lived in vancouver - cost me my relationship with my biological father out here - don't know IF it can be mended lol hmmmm when he takes 23 S to Hawaii for Xmas and you sit at home ROFL freezin your ass off literally hahaha

love to you always,
char


Karen Kapchinsky
January 17 at 11:29am
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Hi honey
Its not all you you know. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I don't think your dad was that involved before and You don't need him or his approval. Remember the quote You above anyone else deserve your love and respect...I will bring a routione when I see you, but ithink you are ion the right path with the workouts and I hate the Vegan thing....We did not claw our way to the top of the food chain to eat cauliflower LOL
PS i'm not all that ...Just a little bit LOL

Charlene
January 17 at 12:50pm

okay right routine when we see each other lol i like my vegan thing hahaha it helps my digestion hahaha ((yah yah ME old)) lol

love to you,
char

yah yah i take it all on - - YOU never do anything wrong it's all about me hahaha

Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:00pm
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Hey you fucking psycho. what the fuck ????? you crazy bitch leave me alone do not contact me or anyone I know Or the repercussions will be severe and endless FUCKING FAT COW
Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:02pm
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Thank you for an outstanding time You owe me for ther room and drinks and lunch but I will take my paymwent in the form of you fucking off out of my life THANKS FATSO

wow??? i won't go into what she did in 24 hours that i am "glad to be rid of her"

cleansing day today - - removing all negativity and THAT definitely is NEGATIVITY i cried for an hour