Single Female Available...

Interests:

Must love animals as there is always 1 or 2 animals in my world and constant... I love gardening, the ocean, cycling and currently working out. Art is dominant in my world as well. As well as collecting "stuff".

The Man I Seek:

Must have a sense of humour... To a level of warped sense **GRIN** A clean-freak; sure!!! Love to cook and shop and like that.

Wow I am doing so well, not LOL

Ugh just lately I am feeling blue about coming home to a quiet home ((other than Taz the Spaz my over-energized Boxer LOL))

I have lived with someone before - - What I miss about "that" is the lazy Sunday mornings - - Just hangin', the spontaneity of sex on kitchen counters and wherever **evil grin**, going for drives "just because we want to make another memory", and cycling together and just "being". Nicknames.

Who Am I? Unique, colorful, and I am a strong individual, but can find a quiet side of me, as well. I am a sucker for PDA's - - Like recently I had a dream that I was proposed to in the following way:

I was at a Vancouver Canucks game when there was an announcement, "Is there a CharleneAnn in the building? Stand up if you are here, the Mascot needs to find you at this time, as you have won a Vancouver Canuck's jersey, personally signed by Loungo!!!"

So I stand up and laugh, thinking, excellent!!!

The mascot comes running up to me and has a jersey rolled up into a tight little ball, I unravel it and a small box, rolls out, with loud applause, and on the screen there is "Will you marry me, CharleneAnn?"

Yessssss.

The announcement continues, "CharleneAnn, you have also won a trip for two to Las Vegas, with 5,000$ and a paid wedding at the Elvis Chapel!!! Leaving right now, the limosine awaits for you, and YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!"

The dream ends.

LOL

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I have joined Biggest Loser BootCamp - 2nd week of 12 weeks = AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So here is the dilemma I joined of course to lose weight & instead the trainer is like ummmmmmmmmmmmmm beyond HOT but ((there are always BUTS in such tellings LOL)) he was like born the year I grad from High School OMFG LMAO

But let's just describe the VERY YOUNG MAN shall we? Okay first off - - He's a damn Englishman... Secondly he has a girlfriend T/G or else there'd be moves & being embarrassed big time LOL

But let's just daydream shall we? Describe the young man? Okay I am turned on by a man's hands & he has the looooong fingers which I like - Perfect hands.

Tanned, which is because it's summer LOL

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly hair/sandy blond, perfect Osmond-size teeth and it's the eyes that have my thoughts bouncing all over the place. Teddy-bear brown eyes and cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurly eyelashes.

Whenever he looks at me, the slowwwww smile begins and all that. & I just smile at him like an idiot.

So hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - A wee bit distracting LOL

But its just on my side - - But it is "FUN" to dream, hmmmmmmmmm?

Like today, I had a job interview for the art council of nanaimo and so i had put on minimal of makeup on - which is basically my fave; purple eye shadow and a bit of liner and so I would look more "alive" for the interview.

So I am working out on the recliner bike and Scott comes up and says, "I really like your eyes. Y'know, how you've done them today? Very nice."

I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the sentence, so he began to smile, that damned slow smile and said, "Very pretty, today, your eyes."

"Oh I had a job interview today so had to primp."

"Oh yes, I would like to tell you that I have read your entire facebook page, I was being nosy."

"OH?" Thinking ummmmmmmmm Why LOL

So I workout at the front to enjoy glances (MINE) at this cutey pie LOL and his slow smiles.

Which is just nuts. He's, I believe, living with a girl. Like he'd look at this old hag HAH

Hi Scott, care to go out? Catch a movie?

WHAT PART OF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND CHAR?

ummmmmmmmm All of it once you smile at me, so how about that movie and we begin something? And I replace that Canadian gal that got ya here in the first place?

YA RIGHT.

I drive a beatup Mazda I am going back to school/University to finish a degree I started basically WHEN he was born and yadda yadda yadda

And in all actuality, I could not sleep last night because he was in my bed last night allllllllllllllllll night long - At least everytime that I did fall asleep. So yes it was VERY restless.

DAMMIT. LOL

CUPID - THE TV SHOW

I am sure this TV Show will appeal to the masses - Due to a) The actor who plays Cupid is just adorable b) women will immediately "fall in love" with the concept of this show...

I was thrilled with tonight's show - The idea of a public/very public display of LOVE for another - - A notice on New Year's Eve/Times Square - Yah I am one of "those" girls that would love a public way of a declaration of Love.

My way? A hockey game - - Preferably a game where Wayne Gretzky would witness it LOL As he was my first young girl's choice of a groom HAHAHAHAH

And a singer/guitarist that declares his love for another - Who doesn't LOVE that concept? C'monnnnnnnnnnn... And with an Irish accent? Okay, sure.

I have enjoyed this show. And I am hooked.

I just wish Cupid would enter my world and help my lust/love life along HAH

I just seem that I have been 1 BIG PMS'ing bloated female for like the last 30 days straight...

Right now I am walking around with these HUMONGOID breasts - - Like FF's...

But the only bright spot is my Boxer - He has made it so much easier...

Amen.

It's a I Hate Being a Girl Day - -

Y'know you are PMS'ing When...

A hottie calls you to tell you he's on his way over for a bootie call - and by the time he arrives you are asleep due to the anti-pms'ing "drugs" you have taken thruout the day...

You walk around for the day with what it feels like water jugs on your chest

You can't make decisions because it feels like your brain is swimming within your head...

Oh and let's not go into the lower back pain...

Yeah its GREAT being a girl...

Now let me go cry again into my pillow ... groannnnn... **heavy sigh**

no photo 2day as i am typing this on my laptop...

i am wondering about the sanity of me lol really... here is why...

i am so not 16... 2x that is my age... yet my reaction 2 this situation is like that of a 16 t.o. GIRL...

i have been conversing w/a man that i 'KNEW' in h.s. - we had been conversing every day chats in fact of which i had started JUST 2 enjoy...

lately??? NOTHING nada... zip...zero... i write & ask wazzzzzzzzzzzzup? i quite lik(d) our fun chats... he writes back, relax, breathe, i am just very busy...

yet

i zoom around f'book & lookee lookee he's chatting up a storm w.every1 else sending videos pokes and whatnot... to mannnnnnny people and me??? zip nadda zilch...

this is a man 2 be my guide in 2010 of a foreign country/city...

yep i react like the 16 y.o. w/the crush i had on this lad way back when... UGH...

well i will a) retreat; 2 can 'play' that game b) let what will be - - be c) not write 2 him AGAIN until IF he writes to me - - i just hear that nauseating writer dude screaming; HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO U - - ughughugh

i so liked it when he was lol he was funny, witty, sarcastic and more in the chats - bummer... i miss him and our chats - -

we are both 2 be in the same province in july - whoopee - no invite or whatnot - yah yah not that into - -

SHUDDUP I HEAR U lol i get it ...

-charann
i lost out 2 a snuggie lol hahahahahaha

he probably is not a) that great of a kisser b) might... what will be, will be - TRUTHFULLY??? i'd love 4 him 2 surprise me w/a visit this summer - - YAH RIGHT

I find my exhaustive need for Control
is Weakening
Yet my desire for short term of any form is gone.
I have said good bye to my BoyToys
I have never felt so
Alone.
I reach out to another
He chooses another. How f'ly ironic ;)
I am
not enjoying that.
I dare to be open and what does it get me?
Silence from the other side.
Blah.
Bah.
Humbug
and all that.
I force all my hurt, pain and inner screams onto a canvas of reds, oranges and yellows - - all
Vibrant.
Solid lines all.
Nothing broken on my canvas - - all solid.
One heart I draw tho, off to the side, is jagged and sliding down to the bottom of the canvas and beyond
Johnny Cash sings in the background is apt.
Another quotes Budha; "We are the results of our thoughts."
Oh yes - is this meant as "I think, therefore I am..." ???
Therefore I think I am hurting, therefore I am.
Not for long as this canvas I press deeply with my fingertips, almost tearing through...
I outline a tear, deep into the canvas, far away from the broken heart, jagged too.
Ahhhh why do I?
Dare to care?
Even in this small way?
Far away I will run, back to the ocean, the sea, and its breezes.
With or without champagne.
Blurring it all? You say? Submerging it? Once again?
Oh but it is much better to be that way - - blurred and removed -
IF
my reality where you are concerned is
Hurt. You having chose another.
Blurred is a much saner choice.
Can't wait for the surfboard and the winds and the coldness of the ocean beneath my feet, board and riding...
The waves
Instead of a
Man.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
-charann

note to self - he no longer writes to me - SIGH

hey i can't sleep so thought that i would say hello to my handsome pal - how are you?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm - ok if you were here, you would find char hiding under covers of late, hating being a girl UGH, and needing a hug - friends hug don't they LOL hey i wanted to tell you i enjoy writing to you - i guess it is because a) you are married b) so that cancels out COMPLETELY the sexual tension lol c) so i can be relaxed and d) we will only meet in 2010 with a beginning - middle - ending e) no risk and i get to see a tremendously beautiful country on a bike with a handsome guide with NONE of that tension & who i can talk to & zero risk to char's heart so its only a win win situation :)

i love your replies because they are so very precise (so unlike mine LOL) so i learn from that & continue so we are friends and that is good...

you are lucky to be married - you have someone you can curl up to - that is the ONE thing that i miss from a relationship is the curling up with - just the "excitement" of crawling into bed & "knowing" there is a warm body there... that is cuddable... warm and very much into spooning LOL i know i know i am probably glorifying my long ago relationship but that ONE room was where we excelled - it was when we moved from that room it crumbled... but i miss the warmth of that ONE moment of crawling under a comforter time... having him already in bed, and walking into the room and mmmmmmmm... yah you are lucky to be married... that is my search lol someone who likes that too & of which the relationship doesn't crumble BEYOND that moment...

i guess what i find sexy about you which surprised the caca out of me - is how damn SMART you are - - ok this is char being complimentary and falling flat LMAO i so enjoy talking/chatting with you - so in that regard i am glad that there is none of the "other" tension so i CAN relax around you and not put THAT char into gear - okay this is not making sense to you - - you are my first male friend - - isn't that horrible? 42 and never a male FRIEND - - i always was the forward one and said, so ya wanna fuck or what? lol so this is all new to me - - pardon the stupidity but i am like a kid learning something very new HAH but i thoroughly ENJOY chatting with you - many times i feel left behind LOL so i TG for google LOL and persevere... but i think overall i do pretty well LOL the one thing you said that i am trying to revamp into my own characteristic BADLY is you let things happen - i so HAVE TO plan EVERYTHING (control sure LOL) down to the last detail - i think it is from living solo for so long or ?? so i am taking that into my meditative state and trying to coordinate that INTO me "somehow"

u are not going beyond mb borders are you when you visit? in july?

hmmmmmmm - i am looking at my today's agenda - - i hire a cleaning lady LOL isn't that horrible?? its like i am not FULLY female - - i am phobic about cleaning (((LONG story as to the why & VERY VERY VERY boring/sad/tragic))) so i instead give back to the local business by hiring locally and women only run cleaning agency :) also finishing more painting and tonight is my Grad. ceremony of which my dates are 4 women :) All new friends since I moved to Nanaimo...

mmmmmmmmmm... i am going to paint and watch the sun come up with a cup of java ...

i've attached another funny 4shawn LOL

write soon, tell me to breathe lol

and sorry but i try to write little emails to you but this is a SHORT one LOL you say the shawn of yesterday is gone but for me that smile helped me thru many a time LOL & now you are my email pal :) so its all good ...

take care, sent with a bear hug,
char

that will be my last email to the man - so "what shall be, will be" me thinks that he much more prefers the chocolate m&m's

Hello - -
I am thinking that I am going thru changes - Recently I had 2 men re-enter my world - Man No.1 is what I call my "BabyDaddy" as that is what he is. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant at 5 months along. Why did I not find out until so far along? Because I was an avid cyclist ((300+ km/day)) and I had long since no longer had the monthly. So to not have it for X amount of months was not noted, by me.

Then all of a sudden voila - - a kangaroo pouch :) No morning sickness either, just this lil' pouch that stopped me from being able to do up my jeans.

The Daddy disappeared with another, who was already pregnant - - Yea I "REALLY" knew how to pick 'em!!!

He re-entered my world recently - and I just sent him on his way - Explaining my reason why as I did so - - Basically that I always felt that he was with me but not "with" me - - I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder for something "better" "younger" "faster" LOL But you get the idea.

Not a comforting feeling for a potential long-term relationship.

Dude No.2 was a Pick-up - A VERY good looking pickup, but a pickup nonetheless. Which would be hours, and hours of hot sex. 6'2 and eyes of Striking blue. And dumb as dumb can be. The only game he could wrap his mind around was X and O's LOL So VERY good looking, hung and dumb LOL

I sent him on his way, telling him that I was looking for something more long term, steady and whatnot. The look on his face was definitely a kodak moment. I think he was dragging his jaw back to his van LOL

This was a man that help me christen every surface and shower/bath tub of my home. LOL Twice. HAH.

Yet I send him away?

So now I sit here SEXLESS or even the potential of fast/hard sex-less - AHHHHHHHHH I am a girl that loves sex SPONTANEOUS sex. The most memorable place I've had sex? The Revolving Restaurant/Vancouver elevator on the way down. We pressed the Emergency Stop button and yep - -

Or on a bar stool, just lifting my looooong skirt and slowly riding as he sipped his drink, sometimes unsteadily LOL I think his groan at the end and grabbing my hips gave it away LOL

So for me to send these 2 potentials away - - Who am I "becoming" ??? A dried up old spinster? Or opening the way to my SPECIAL one?

Right now I don't know as I paint my walls and wonder...

Char

Look into the mirror daily and say I LOVE YOU - and listen to the words that come up - - The negative ones - Listen for the voices that are going to come up that say why I don't love me - It will be hard - It won't feel true - - e.g. Too fat, family hates you - and say THANK YOU for supporting yourself and then say I thank you for your support but these beliefs no longer serve me any more. I am willing to change these beliefs and I am willing to honour and respect ME.

I respect myself and people love and respect me. - - BIG ONE.

Everyone I meet likes me and respects me.

Then move onto people that meet me love and respect me.

NEW MANTRA - I AM WILLING TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF to I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF.

This is a 3month transition.

Daily Mantra into the mirror.

The change will be to start doing and respecting oneself naturally.

Every day throughout the day. DAILY; minimum 5 - 6/day.

AFFIRMATIONS.

Carry around these thoughts in one's daytimer.

Listen to all kinds of things WILL come up e.g. Nobody will love me because I am too fat.

Basic is nobody will love you until you love yourself.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Another one of my dreams:

I was at the Prystupa farm - - Me, Terri, Traci (the twins) and Dave Prystupa. We had a steel-frame dune buggy that we were doing circular race with. Timed. At the beginning of the race C. Thomas Howell strapped you in - - Of today.

Why C. Thomas Howell? I don't know LOL It's a dream. So I am putting on the helmet, look up and its C. Thomas Howell looking down at me, and smiling. He quickly teaches me how to quick-shift and I am busy nodding and smiling (which he can't see, since I am now IN the helmet lol). I give the thumbs up and the flag is lowered for me to begin.

I race around the circular speedway and come to the end, and there is Christopher Aitkins (Atkins? of Blue Lagoon fame, waving me to the end. Christopher of Today.)

He tells me that my time is the best time of the day, and I jump out of the steel-framed dune buggy and grab him and kiss him. Of course, the helmet has "mysteriously" disappeared.

He gives me one of those "shy" Christopher smiles and life is good.

Where this dream came from, I don't kow. LOL

I had a dream last night - - The first time in a very very long time - -

Of my Grandmother Hanslip on my maternal side - - I was just a toddler - - And still, or rather, even then an individual on my own.

I waddled across the road, 4? 5? And walked into Grandma's open arms. I told her, "I miss you, I do."

She lifted me up and stroked my head and went, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhh, everything is going to be fine, soon."

She continued to stroke my hair and kiss my head as the dream faded away.

I am guessing that this dream is about my thinking/wondering if I should visit Manitoba or anywhere soon.

Or not.

I am trying to arrange a trip to see someone that I would very much like to see - - I hear news of another that knows this person as well and I have to pay for my trip yet this other person gets everything paid for by the person that I am wanting to see? Why?

I don't begin to understand people or their actions - - Why I must pay for everything yet this other person goes to the same place and everything is paid for?

I have not completely decided yet IF I am going there. Or staying home. Hibernating which I do very well.

I asked someone to be my escort to a family affair and he does not even think that my invite is worthy of a reply. Of yes or no or anything.

I am retreating and not talking to anyone for awhile. As I think this all over.

Goodbye.

Retreat is often the best means of Offense.

I am going to continue cycling and working out and doing what I do best; retreating.

Goodbye Mr. P and what never was. You told me that enough.

Goodbye Mr. T and what you never let be. Even when I offered as a Friend.
To you.

I do not know about you... But for me I have to do daily "lists" of what must be done for that particular today - -

Like for example, today's list consists of MUST do laundry ((all day job; own a dalmatian)), finish painting of floors and finish putting furniture back in place, goodwill of excess (which is allot) and grocery shopping.

All in one day - - yay!!!

Char

The things that one finds as one is doing a reno of one's home - -

Love Note from Jim - -

Transcribed verbatim;

August 18, - - - -

The day after our worst fight yet. God I hate even saying that, but it seems to be true. Will you never believe what I say? Is it that we have been apart for so many years that it doesn't seem real that I could all of a sudden have feelings for you now? If that is the case, I can understand it, but I am telling you that thought no longer applies. I have "developed" much stronger feelings than I thought I would. As I said last night, probably one of the main reasons, if a selfish one at that, is the knowledge of the feelings you have for me. Knowing that you love me now and thought about me for so long is one of the best feelings I could have. Now just because I said that, don't get the teenage idea that the only reason I like you is because you like me. Other reasons that I know you would love for me to say (and I will because they are true) are: 1) your independence; I don't like what you do some times for money but in an unfortunate way, I am proud of the fact that you have made 'ends meet' for a few years. 2) Yours looks; I think that you are very good looking, I like your big blue eyes and you look so cute when you brush your teeth. 3) Your laugh which I haven't heard enough of lately. You always make me feel good by laughing at all the stupid things I say. 4) Your nick-nacks; that's right your toys... everywhere... I'm not sure exactly why but it makes me feel that you are not lazy like me... you have a love for life that you always want to remember... nomatter if what you are doing is relatively low key, or is big, exciting or important. 5) Your birds and cat; it shows that you love animals and living things like I do. 6) Your attitude towards people; you are down-to-earth and certainly not stuck-up... you could befriend anybody... you are very friendly and you make people feel at ease by your warmth... although I think you could be a little less forgiving. 7) Your love for sex; I need not say much here except I hope you don't lose interest in sex... with me. 8) Your enjoyment of sports. I now realize for various reasons you haven't done too much activity since I came out, but what I mean is that you have a mind for athletics... some women are completely inept at throwing, running, jumping, catching etc. or they have no interest what-so-ever in watching sports. I know if we had the money we could participate in more and watch more. 9) The fact that you are not lazy; unlike me when you have to do something you simply do it, nothing said and no big deal. When I have something to do, everybody has to know and it's a big production... I could take some lessons. 10) Finally you are you. Everybody has faults and you have yours, but i didn't come out here for nothing. And I certainly wouldn't be staying here if I didn't want to. I left alot in Manitoba and I miss my friends and family that I have there, but right now I want to see if things can work between us... especially if we can find jobs. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that the only other girls in my life that mean anything are: Mom, Em, Kell, Coll and Ria. I'm just sorry I can't buy you a nick-nack like everybody else did to show that I care for you.
"Jim"
James Curtis Baldwin
aka "MyJimmy"

no comment from Char of Today

Dearest K.K. - -
It has taken me this long to want to communicate to you again -
Since our last meeting.
I walked away from you just shattered.
Hurt down deep inside, where I don't let ME be hurt, much anymore.
A therapist once told me, "If you walk away from someone and you feel depressed, likely it is that they are."
I could not believe the darkness that surrounded me as I returned home
from meeting you.
Again.
I am going to write this for me -
As we no longer communicate by mutual agreement.
Are you aware how very much I loved you since the first time we met?
It is funny but I can remember meeting you for the very first time.
I was sitting in the very back of the classroom, feeling miserable, lost and alone,
ripped from the love of my family (aunts, uncle, cousins)
When the teacher, Mrs. Crockett, introduced that there was a new classmate.
Why do teachers do that? When you only want to disappear into the floorboards?
When I dared to look up, there you were, walking down the aisle, in-between the desks, and you smiled at me, and I was your friend to the very end.
As only 10-year-old girls can be.
I remember myself as your follower.
Yet when we met, you stated you felt like the follower.
When I was just with you, for another one of your smiles.
Then we met this last time, and I did not know you.
The K.K. of today.
Your words every one of them out of your mouth were all negativity and darkness.
Where had my sunshiny, smiling K.K. gone?
I reached out to you, as I missed you all these years.
I was searching for the Beauty I remembered.
Where was she?
You spoke of working out for the past 20 years, yet you did not want to discuss anything beyond that.
Why not? How does one get to know YOU?
As I sit here I realize you spent the last 20 years working on the external.
You speak of how people in the bar, men, describe you as only 29 or whatever age you desire in your mind, how you work out for hours every day
When I sit here I think, she's worked on the external for the past 20 and I've faced my demons for the past 20 years and its nearly killed me and made me seek comfort - -
In food.
How very different we are.
Were we ever the same?
I just remember standing in awe of you K.K.
Just basking in your glow.
Where has it gone?
I wanted us to continue as we began from the same hometown and not many can "brag" about that - -
Yet you made sure in every calculated move that night,
I was hurt, beyond wanting to return.
I miss,
I guess,
what "might have been"
The giggling friend, sitting up late at night, sharing what only 2 girls can share at 2 a.m. and can't sleep.
I wanted my best friend back,
With her beautiful smile.
Would I welcome you back, today?
Only if you are honest and give up the drugs.
K.K. I've been there.
Done the drugs, raced from the hurts of my youth, via drug assisted nothingness and yes, even the sex with unknown men.
But that was 15 years ago.
I am here, for you,
If you want a friend, TRUE.
Not one to share the pain.
But to grow within.
I miss your Smile.
I did not see it once that night.
K.K.
You've got my number
Call if you want to
Continue
Our Friendship.
-charann

As one gets to a certain "age" and one's birthday passes one tends to reflect... At least I did on this past birthday - -

I took out my yearbooks of high school and I reflected... How far had I come? Really? And I found that lil' girl was quite lost and scared and all that. The signings of "friends" all showed how much of a boy-crazed gal I was - - When in reality I was love-starved. I was the joiner of Clubs - - To get the hell away from the abuse of the homefront.

My marks were shit, as I spent my days daydreaming of when I could LEAVE. That's it.

Recently a friend asked, what is the negative remark of another you have never let go of? Two actually - Both from the Father figures of my Life - Step-Father and Biological Father - SF: "You are INVISIBLE you will never make a ripple in this world, no matter what you do you are INVISIBLE, never mind how UGLY you are." So I carried that thru my adult life and teens to barrel thru life - - With noise and being the "crazy" one - Why? Because I was INVISIBLE - - No one was noticing Me.

The attachment of the UGLY did not hit until later - - As I spent my 20's modelling/petite modeling - - anything and everything - - Bikinis, lingerie and stripper clothes as the petite frame and DD's worked quite well with the attire. Everyone praised the beauty of Me. Yet did I hear it? NOPE.

After falling in love once, lust several times and all that, and all of the ramifications that brings - These men only reinforced the UGLINESS/INVISIBILITY I could not escape.

After that I literally "did" disappear hurt, tired and afraid. Comfort was food. And now I am me. No longer the Petite Model.

I have had an epiphany on this birthday - - I had lived my life/entire on what others' thought/described of ME. Where the hell was my Definition of ME?

As I listen to Olivia Newton John cd GRACE AND GRATITUDE - - one line sticks out "even broken birds sing" - - Hmmmmmmmm...

As I cry tears of the broken wing of the child within, I find the power to stand up at last. No longer eyes cast down, in shame, when I meet someone new.

Yes I am no longer thin - - That can change - - As the fire within begins again - - I am flawed, scared and no longer broken.

I am doing things S/F and Father would be shocked over - - But I am NOT doing it for **THEM** their approval no longer. It is for Me. To show the world ME.

Yes I am Unique, yes I am not like anyone else, and I tend to march to my own drummer, solo and all that, but get to know me - - I am pretty Awesome. My best quality? My door is always open for friends, coffee is always nearby, and as I am an insomniac you can also phone anytime **GRIN**

Just ask my Animals **silly grin**

Char
now I go back to ripping out my carpets and bless the new floor with tears of renewal as I have never done such a thing before but I am strong, I am Woman, and fuck you on the Invisibility!!! S/F lol I look around me and notice the many ways I am so NOT.

Oh sure I've made errors along the way - - And have regrets. Two people come straight to mind, but I can only "control" me and what will be, will be.

Back to the carpet and my cafe mocha :)

Today I am full of anger/angst/fear/trepidation and just overall negativity.

Why? My home is falling apart around me. :(

Then I realize I am but a Tenant. BUT the landlord is the dreaded Father. F.U.L.W. that Father.

I just can't contact him. It makes me want to projectile vomit. And not just figuratively.

So I think, like Scarlett O'Hara "I will think of it tomorrow."

And I wander down to the grocery store. To wander, yes, and somewhat grocery shop. How I think things "through".

Well as I enjoyed my Latte, I sat there and daydreamed, when all of a sudden a man walked by, upon first glance, he looked like one of the ZZTop Guys (bigggg long beard and same overall look). Second glance? He had one arm!!

It hit me "right there" and I just started to bawl. Right there in the coffee shop. I can't write to my Father and this guy is ordering flavoured coffee with one arm? I moved tables so no-one could see my tears. I let it flow. And finished my Latte. Thinking; Okay Greater Power I got the message. OUCH on that one.

Right to the gut eh? Sometimes the message is.

I am crying as I write this. And wish I would have been able to say something to that guy, like, Hey I wanted to slice my wrists rather than deal with my Father and I am middle aged and isn't that STUPID? And you have one arm? And you can smile at people and I am so into ME and my infantile stupidness and you CAN SMILE?

Something is terribly wrong with MY outlook. THANK YOU DUDE.

Whoever you are.

Char

Interpretation of this Dream WOULD Be Greatly Appreciated: ((Here goes))

I am walking down the hill, ambling along in my usual slow way LOL When I see a white bird, lying on the side of the road. But it is a "baby" bird Has all its feathers, eyes partially open, but not really full strength to fly. Hence the lying, partially winded/injured by the side of the road.

I look around for its mother and find no other birdees around. I pick it up and it peeps as I do so, and opens its eyes. I decide to be the Mother. I place it into my pocked amid tissues and wanting to keep it warm.

I continue to a store with the bird still in my pocket and buy formula and an eye dropper and continue home. I am Mom Personified.

I make a shoebox into a "nest" and place my newest baby into it. Listening for peeps, etc. Hoping the warmth of my home will rejuvenate it.

Slowly he/she does so and is, in a couple of days, moving around the box and taking its formula.

It stays white as it grows and maintains living around the trees, by my home as it grows "up".

INTERPRETATION? If any?

Okay if anyone can INTERPRET this dream it would be greatly appreciated!!! I've had it constantly "lately"???

I wake up from a deep slumber, in my bed, my bedroom, I go to stand up and as I stand up my left leg shoots severe pain??? I look down and my upper/front thigh is completely gone??? Skin is folded back, yellowy on the edges (like pus) and even the bone/muscle is gone? I can see into my leg? But the back of my leg skin is still there, and the muscles on the outer and inner thigh are still there? Just a big gaping hole? Like something ate away at my leg???

What DOES this dream mean? Like I said, I've had it several times now??? AHHHHHH???

MY LIFE IN RETROSPECT - -

For the first time in many aday - -
I walked down to the ocean today - -
And sat there and let my brain just race.
Randomly.
I thought of the many twists and turns I said Yes to in my life
and said No to in my life.
I said No to asking someone out - - > because the once in my life "shyness" or rather awkwardness reared its ugly head
I said yes to ending a lifetime career within the Military - - reason being my having breasts declined me from being able to go to the Falkland War - -
I thought I was "VERY" Rambo-esque if not not THE Rambo-ette.
I enjoyed everything of the Army - - being screamed at - - > used to that with my Upbringing therefore I excelled where others fell very short.
I said No to 3 men that asked me "THE" question - - Where are THEY now? Do they think of me? Like I think of them this day?
How very much different would my life have been?
I think of the No's - - I think of the Yes's - -
WTF was I thinking?
I look at my life right now - - Wanting to be held right now and only a boytoy is my choice.
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
I think of the young girl that raced towards her future - - > Thinking "she" would be famous, wanted, desired by the Masses due to her abilities within the Acting Field - -
Oh how many NO'S I received due to my saying NO to silicone anywhere in my body...
BLAH.
I stand before "my" ocean and watch my aged Dalmatian no longer run.
He chooses to sit beside me and nuzzle my armpit - I at least smell good,
for him.
Life could be worse, life could be better.
I am reaching out to my dream and it fucking scares me - - Portfolio X10 has to be "presented" before an Arts Committee on the 28th of March - -
FUCK.
SHIT.
DAMMIT.
Do I have the balls to get that particular YES?
The artist within me screams
YES.
The worthless child that was so abused/abandoned by every parental figure screams NO.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - -
Life and its choices.
I wish he was closer.
But I am no longer the size0 teenage lass so full of pissNvinegar - -
But a Woman with lines
Around her eyes.
Having seen so much -
Many things I did not really need.
May he says, is Canada time.
3 months to lose...
1000 lbs of obesity.
FUCK
SHIT
DAMMIT.
Or dare I present me
with all my very apparent
flaws?
She steps instead upon the treadmill
Seeking that Size0 female
Once
Again.
-charann

You thought you knew me, but you don't know anything at all
My arm shows a graphic picture of the days when I couldn't take it all
I tried to write but the words just wouldn't flow
This is the only way my pain can show.

Do you know what it's like to be stuck in a room,
Where no one can see you and you're to scared to move

Do you know what it's like to just sit and cry,
And not have a clue as to the reason why.

Do you know what it's like to go into a rage,
Slice up your arms and not remember a thing the next day

Do you know what it's like to walk into a room,
And have people you care about tell you there's nothing wrong with you

Do you know what it's like to hide your arms,
Because you don't want to explain about your physical scars.

Do you know what it's like to carry the pain,
Knowing that you're not normal and there's nothing anyone can do or say.

Do you know how it feels to depend on pills to make you feel whole,
Even though in the back of your mind, you hold on to the fear that you'll overdose and die.

Do you know what it's like to feel inner pain and not have anyone but yourself to blame.

Do you know what it's like to want to die,
But you just can't do it and you don't understand why.

Do you know what it's like to give up custody of your daughter,
Because you don't want her to go through the same shit that you did.

Do you know how it feels to be told that you don't deserve your daughter,
When you haven't done anything wrong.

Do you know how it feels not to give a Fuck,
Cause nothing you do will ever add up

Do you know how it feels to pray,
To give you the strength to get through each day

Do you know how it feels to have guys run away,
For you being you,
After they find out the truth

Do you know how it feels to be filled with pain,
And all you want is for it to go away.

Do you know what it's like to hear voices in your head,
Telling you your worthless and you'd be better off dead.

Do you know how it feels to start believing these lies,
Cause that's what you heard your entire life.

Do you know how it feels not to be able to,
Open up to someone who is paid to help you out

You keep your pain inside and tell them that everything is fine,
Then you go home to cry and befriend the knife.

If you don't know what it's like,
Then don't judge me,
Because you just got fucking lucky.

Dear Mr. - -
A letter to the man I have yet to meet - ((or have met and "it" has been taken to the "next" step)) --

Yes I am a SWF and I am writing a letter to you - - My new "Love" of which I am so glad to meet - - Let me describe who you will be meeting ((and hopefully you will contact me after this writing - - wanting to meet and "move it to the next level")) - -

Who is Charlene?

First off, Music is **very** important to me - - Discovering "new" music - - be it local bands (Vancouver has so very many "undiscovered" talent!!!) or cultural music - - ...!!! I listen to music when I cycle, workout, houseclean and yes, even as I write/type this ((listenin' to a 70's music channel)) So you can say that my music collection is quite ecclectic!!

Art is also very important to me - - My own and other's - - I have "collected" art pieces that have "spoken" to me - - Throughout the years. I have only "kept" one of my own art pieces "Chaos" and yes **smile** it comes with a story **GRIN** It's a feel-good story, big time.

Gardening is another passion of mine - Although I have to learn how to landscape, rather than "throw" colour everywhere... **SMILE**

One of my strengths is that I am a **VERY** good friend - - I am "there" for my friends - - Late night phone calls to talk, when in need, is fine... Visits unannounced; "because you needed to talk in-person" is welcome as well. I grew up in the Prairies and the OpenDoor Policy I have never lost **SMILE**

I love all forms of communication - - Be it text messaging, emails, snail mail and have found the latest online addiction; facebook **GRIN**

I can type 98 w.p.m. so that comes with a **WARNING** **SILLY GRIN**

Do I believe in Love at "First" Sight? Still undecided on that one... Lust? Sure. I believe love only grows over time.

Currently my best friend is my Dalmatian, named Bandit and my purrrrr-fect cuddle partner, to slow me down, at the end of the day is my Ragdoll kitty; Meow-Meow ((so named as she "talks" more than I do **GRIN**))

I have my "extreme" side - - I have bungy'd, sky dived, been in the Army/Reserves, done a marathon and I am happiest when I am 4x4'ing - - My "dream vehicle" is a Black (tres shiny) Jeep, with the biggest tires, mag wheels, roll bar ((without the lights)), the biggest woofer stereo - - > you WILL 'hear' me BEFORE I arrive **evil grin** - - Owning that particular vehicle IS a "secret" dream of mine - - ...

Of course, I have my faults - - I am 'not' as close to my family members as "society dictates", my temper is that I walk when I am angry - - But I do it silently so all of a sudden you are talking to a very closed door - - Elevator shutting or car driving away. I refuse to give vent to my anger. I choose instead to walk and think things thru elsewhere. I am an insomniac - - Which gets allot done but at "odd" hours LOL I should workout more...

I love to cook for others - - The tradeoff is usually YOU buy the ingredients, I cook and sing quite happily while I cook. Yes the music is loud, the wine is free flowing and the songs/laughter is all free, while Char cooks for another or a group of people. But **WARNING** I rarely follow the recipe twice LOL Just the first time - - I love for someone to ask; Can you cook this? Provide the ingredients and wait. HAH

Oh don't challenge this gal. LOL

Yes I would very much like to meet YOU Sir. Do not at all enjoy being single hahaha

This is but a "taste" of me; CharleneAnn. Would very much like to meet... YOU. Be it someone new or even someone known... Who would like to take it to the next level.

CharleneAnn
The photos I chose is the Ocean - One of my favourite places to be near.

Saying GoodBye to a Friend That I "Knew" Since Age9

reaching out for YOUR help lol

okay GOAL is to shed shed shed shed the weight i've lost 8 lbs just going vegan since the new year -

so here are the exercise machines that i have at home - set me up with a routine and i will follow it faithfully because me in sadddd shape HELLLLP me my beautiful friend!!!
one rowing machine, one stationary bike, one treadmill machine and one elliptical machine - so there ya go - set up the routine and we will make char as beautiful as kk, yes?

okay on the other note, been clean so far for 2009 - - okay i do not know your history? re drugs-wise, but mine is i swam in them when i lived in vancouver - cost me my relationship with my biological father out here - don't know IF it can be mended lol hmmmm when he takes 23 S to Hawaii for Xmas and you sit at home ROFL freezin your ass off literally hahaha

love to you always,
char


Karen Kapchinsky
January 17 at 11:29am
Report Message
Hi honey
Its not all you you know. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I don't think your dad was that involved before and You don't need him or his approval. Remember the quote You above anyone else deserve your love and respect...I will bring a routione when I see you, but ithink you are ion the right path with the workouts and I hate the Vegan thing....We did not claw our way to the top of the food chain to eat cauliflower LOL
PS i'm not all that ...Just a little bit LOL

Charlene
January 17 at 12:50pm

okay right routine when we see each other lol i like my vegan thing hahaha it helps my digestion hahaha ((yah yah ME old)) lol

love to you,
char

yah yah i take it all on - - YOU never do anything wrong it's all about me hahaha

Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:00pm
Report Message
Hey you fucking psycho. what the fuck ????? you crazy bitch leave me alone do not contact me or anyone I know Or the repercussions will be severe and endless FUCKING FAT COW
Karen Kapchinsky
Today at 1:02pm
Report Message
Thank you for an outstanding time You owe me for ther room and drinks and lunch but I will take my paymwent in the form of you fucking off out of my life THANKS FATSO

wow??? i won't go into what she did in 24 hours that i am "glad to be rid of her"

cleansing day today - - removing all negativity and THAT definitely is NEGATIVITY i cried for an hour

Mmmmmm... A Fantasy o'Mine ((Or 3))

There are a couple of fantasies that are "sparked" by the above photo...

Quick background ((mine)) - Grew up in the Prairies - So "this" photo screamed at me in so many ways...

I have always "wanted" to do "it" in a wide open field - - And this photo just "screamed" at me - That hmmmmm, I should approach this man & give him a smile and reach for him and walk towards the open field and lie down and beckon to him... With a smile ...

Why? Mmmmmm... Just because ---

Or the other fantasy this invokes for me - - Is for this particular man to be my "Surprise" Lover - - In all my "secret" fantasies, late at night, as I can't fall asleep ((like now LOL)) - My fantasies always include the element of "surprise" - -

Eg. 1 - I am at a Nightclub - - & y'know when its that awkward moment when there is that ultimately stupid slow dance? & You are turning to go, yep, order another drink, since you are not with another?? But with your prowling girlfriends??? When just before I turn, there is a tap on my shoulder? And its this "man" from the photograph? & I smile at him and just feel Wonderful, and warm, and want...

More. & It just feels right? To be touched by this person? Just fit together?

Eg. 2 - In a hotel room, have ordered room service and having told them that I will be in the bubble bath, to just leave the champagne and dinner on the table and I will be down later to tip them and to lock the door as they leave?

Well - - The "room service" arrives and in my submerged state, of so many steamy bubbles, I hear the food and champagne being arranged onto the table and murmur thank you, as I hear him walk towards the door.

The door softly clicks shut and I further submerge myself into the bubbles, enjoying the sensation, and knowing I am going to have a fantabulous meal after I exit my soothing, hot tub.

I look up at the bathroom mirror and I see his blue eyes and I wonder if I am dreaming. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, wishing I had my alcohol, much nearer to the tub.

I open my eyes again, and he is sitting on the side of the tub. I smile and shake my head and say, in a soft voice, "Hello..."

Like its an everyday occurrence, and not 20 years and I am not naked beneath bubbles and he is in his jeans and a white shirt, so white, so clean and crisp and put together.

And I?

Naked beneath the bubbles.

I cannot seem to be able to either move or take another breath, as I watch him, silently.

He leans forward and I feel the bubbles move as I begin to shake.

The first kiss!!!

And I?

Naked, shaking, beneath the bubbles.

He smiles, as he leans closer, puts his tongue on my very dry lips and I moan, "ohhhhhh wowwwwwwww..."

Our first kiss ever and I have known him since I was 14. I continue to shake beneath his soft kiss.

I still can't breath, or I am not aware that I am.

He breaks off the kiss and glances down at me. Our eyes lock, and I murmur, "I've missed you."

Where the hell did that come from?

Having not seen this man for 20 years?

Now he thinks I am absolutely nuts.

I dare not move, speak or have I yet to breathe?

He watches me, watching him as he turns out the lights and lights candles, I had not notice him place into the room. The room feels very steamy and hot all of a sudden. I move beneath the bubbles.

Nervous like a new bride, scared like a first-time virgin.

Ohhhhh, wow, as he slides his jeans down. No briefs or otherwise, oh wowwwwww. He moves towards the tub and watches me, watching him.

Neither one of us speaks.

He moves over me and kisses me soundly.

I slide under the bubbles, not able to cope with the fullness of him, in anyway. Too much, too much, too much. Too fast, I can't breathe! Fathom all that is occurring.

I lift myself out of the water, and bubbles, and ask, "How are you here? Right now? I can't believe this!!! Tonight??? Oh not that it is not everything and more that I have thought about - Wanted for years - - "

Suddenly I realize I am babbling and stare up at his blue eyes, enjoying their blueness and his so curly eyelashes and watching them change expression 1000's of times, in one glance my way.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, my heart beats. It is captured in one glance! Shit!!!

I decide to stay in the tub, and watch him, at the other end of it. I raise a leg and nudge him, expecting it to be "just" bubbles and just another one of my fantasies. Suddenly he reaches for my foot and kisses my inner sole.

Ohhhhh, wowwwww... I feel that light kiss in every fiber of my being.

I react by jumping out of the tub, wrapping myself in the complimentary robe and rush to the bed, wanting to put distance between me and what? The fantasy in my tub? He is surely not there? I have drank too much, and its just another fantasy - - Much more real than other times, but wow?

I cover myself with the comforter and feel the room spin. Vowing to never drink again, as this time it is giving me visions!!! Of a desired man, from my youth, of yesteryear? Who is shockingly more beautiful naked than even I imagined?

I close my eyes and think, yeah sleep. Nurturing sleep.

I lie on my tummy, partially covered by the comforter, and murmur, "You are sooooo not Here..."

Just before I fall into a dreamless sleep, I feel my hair being lifted and a soft kiss, placed upon my neck. That is my favourite way to begin - How did he know this?

Oh right, he's my Secret Fantasy!!! I decide to go with it, and murmur his name, telling him how much I want him.

He continues to kiss my back and I find, once again, I cannot breathe.

I feel him mount me, from behind, and I am suddenly moist and I just want him.

Inside - Fast.

Instead he moves deliberately slowly and I gyrate against him and say, "I hate you right now - - Very much so - - You control me right now and IHATEYOU - -"

I murmur his name as I explode.

I turn over and think that really he's NOT there? That I had fallen asleep, really?

He is there, smiling at me, with his right leg raised, sitting on the side of the bed, "Hello sleeping beauty."

I just begin to laugh and giggle and feel like a schoolgirl, once again. "I knew you would take over and it would be awesome. Now hand me my champagne so I can get some of my Courage back."

The champagne soothes as it goes down and he crawls in beside me and I curl around him and purr.

Yeah - - My fantasies ROCK. ROFL

So ...

Not.

Like he's in Thailand and I am here and I am in a hotel tomorrow night and - -

AS IF.

I have "discovered" the world of Facebook - and what it has taught me so far is the lives of my former high school mates - -

One in particular has shocked me - - Let's call her "Joanie" her story and mine were that her father and my step-father worked at the same place - Driving public transit.

Well her father, let's call him "Bob" suggested that we move to a HICK of a town as land prices were low, low crime, small town life, etc etc - So we did.

Joanie and I became great friends, and her little sister hung with my little brother. All good.

Until I turned 13 - When, after 8 years of abuse, I decided to leave - Hitch-hike away. Beyond my comprehension I was returned to the scene of the crime(s) (abuse).

Well "Bob" decided that I was now "soiled/dirty/not good enough" to be Joanie's pal and no longer were we allowed to visit together, be friends, etc etc In fact whenever Bob and Joanie would visit my home Bob would yell, "Joanie, get in here ((being the house)) get away from HER."

Her, of course, being me.

Well we drifted apart, and I spent about 3 months crying over the loss. It's a dramatic loss at 13. Two girls torn apart.

Well I discovered Wicca then and heaped spells upon spells upon the 2 of them - - Premise being I will show them!!!

Back to currently - - I have learned that "Joanie" went onto to marry one of the cutest boys in our school, let's call him "Lane". Well they went onto to marry, have children and separated (I think this is how it went?) He fell for another, Joanie publicly (via a local newspaper proclaimed her love) and Lane decided he wanted another - The other female chose her hubby instead - Lane shot himself.

OHWOW - I am still in shock. Now she is married to another man, and I can't believe her life story.

Kharma? I hope not. My spells belated? I surely hope not.

Wow Joanie Wow.

i have always, always been a "runner" when times get "rough" i am gone - - - it is a terrible trait to have - - really, to sustain anything long-term LOL

the first time i "ran" with significance was when i was 13 years of age - from a small prairie town - the first night i just ran thru the backyard field to the elementary school, shimmied up the airvents and sat on the school roof watching the people call my name and walk around, calling my name. The very next day, after I had slept on the roof, as it was a very warm summer night, I was quite bemused that not one person was "still" searching for me. Wow, 3 hours effort I was worth!!! That is what decided for me to continue my journey away.

I went to hiway 6 and headed south, winnipeg and went the wrong way first; east instead of west. LOL Then got back started the right way and ended up west, on my biological father's doorstep.

Which was another nightmare of another sort. Funny thing is I did not speak for 6 weeks other than monosyllabalic (sp?) words. 6 weeks. OBVIOUSLY some trauma there, but he sent me back to the trauma "unit" of it all.

Today? Or rather last night/early this a.m. I took off again. I just needed to "get the hell out of dodge" as "they" say. Last night I hung out with a girlfriend and she was in a very weird headspace I entered her abode and she was sitting there before her computer, for 2 hours of gameplay - - And I asked her once, wazzzup? She answered, "It's not all about you, always. Sometimes its my turn."

I thought sure and ambled off and text-messaged tons of people from my phone and sent msgs like Booty call please - - Sex is always a great releaser, minus the drug play I "promised" to give up due to accepting moving into my home from my Father - But sex with young men I will never give up LOL My much preferred drug choice hahaha

She started screaming at me, "Oh so you want it about you all the time?"

I just sat there and thought, wtf? I answered, "Ummmm, I am happy texting everyone, no worries here."

I continued, "Hey I made 140$ today in less than 2 hours, isn't that kewl? I designed a guy's webpage and he even gave me a 20$ tip he was so impressed."

She replied, "If you expect a wayTogo for every little GOOD thing you do, forget it."

I again thought, wtf, and answered, "I thought that was what friends were for? To pat ya on the back when you do well?"

"You should not come here EXPECTING that everytime you come over here."

I thought, Time to leave.

In more ways than one.

I packed up my pooch, my florescent pink backpack ((best present I ever was given from a friendWithbenefits friend - he obviously "understood" my inborn NEED to leave and leave often LOL Why not make it easier? Give her a Florescent pink backpack hahaha The big one that she can carry her small world on her back as she leaves.

Perhaps I should have stayed with that one?

I sit here on the Ferry and cry, ignoring the glances from other passengers, and wonder WTF? Why am I so scared to care? To be open and share? Me? Other than to the 4-legged creatures?

The fear was from my youth, something shut down then, never to return. Now I am trying to reach out to others and I just immediately f/it up from the get-go. I write innate things and wonder where did THAT come from? I tell people I care then I disappear in every way for a week. Yah actions speak louder than words, mmmmm?

Oh I want someone to be there for me, yet I can't be there for him? I run, run, run, that has not changed. From the age of 13.

F.

Dammmm

S.

And all the rest.

PMSing sucks. Wrecks havock on my brain/feelings and mannerisms. Drumming is what I will seek tonight. Drum beats equalling my heartbeat.

Oh I am going to visit someone next weekend. She scares the living s/out of me. She knows me too well - - that 13 year old kid. She "knows" the scared kid I was. How far have I come? Not that far, really.

Too many years of oblivion from the pain. Drugs were easy. Sex was easier. When you have DD's and are easy. Basically.

Will this trip cure the wanderlust? No.

Because it is running from the people I care.

About.

Damn.

Glad he is married and far, far away. I risk nothing really. It's safe. And I tease him that is him that chooses safe. I write him lots, knowing he is shackled, married and so far away.

Good.

Safe.

It is zero connection.

I

risk

Nothing.

Char

oh i had a conversation/cyber chat with the mr. p - and it was when i was coming home from class - burnt but i thought in excitement he wants to chat WITH MEEEEE

the feedback i want to say to him - - f/it i am sending him another message lol

char

can you tell of the confusion w/regards to this man? i walked with my dog for miles today just with a omg omg omg dunno

an style="font-style:italic;"> okay another day and another confusion about "men"

let me give you the breakdown of these 2 men - 1) is todd dennis - who is he to me? well for 4 years of h/s he was my tormentor - if it was rude, he said it my way - from gr.9, the very 1st day of school, he arranged it so that he was in my homeroom (& every homeroom thereinafter) & as we were seated alphabetically he was either in front of me or behind me ARGHHHHHHHH 4 years of this shadow dude lol okay it "sounds" swell but try it out sometime lol have someone follow you CONSTANTLY for the time of school hours... NOT fun... unless he is the school hunk/jock lol then it would be fun - todd was everything i was not - he excelled at math, i did not - he entered math contests, i entered same math contests to be able to do a protest of one and make my answers (remember those lil bars you had to color in???) i made my answers look like a butterfly lol he played chess - a game in which talking IS NOT allowed omg!!! & speed/timer is of the essence? he entered science fairs, i stole my cousin's idea and basically rehanded hers in LOL which confused me because she won at her school? etc etc everything todd was, i was not - oh i was in drama, he was the sound crew and lighting crew - closest we ever came to talking hahaha
so to current times - i have "found" todd dennis on facebook like 20 years late lol ahhhhhhh & he is the photo that you see - the headshot - not a bad looking fella **evil grin** oh backtrack, todd in h/s was all of 4'11 and maybe 80 lbs? yah the kick the sand in the face dude but his words were lethal, at least my way... but then he would turn around and be a first-rate flirt to every girl BUT me I would just seethe silently until 1 day I locked him in the locker YAH and left him, after changing locks haahaha
todd, i have read, is quite the decent guy... i have left numerous notes on his facebook page, once or twice even asking him to call - well i have done the 411 and have found his info - is it ever correct/ok for a girl to call a guy? me so confused about all this male-female "stuff" especially when the guy is the geek lol & you so hated him & want to see "IF" he's human after all?
the 2nd photo is shawn pchajek and yep, my crush for h/s - now? he lives in thailand is wanting to become like the dalai lama (sp?) & is a Buddhist - can Buddhist have sex? I dunno LOL My luck probably not hahaha Him? Beautiful man to me, physically and spiritually. If I could create a man for me, it would be Mr. Pchajek but he's a) in Thailand b) a Buddhist lol c) separated from a Japanese who is probably a size minus (which I no longer am lol) **sigh**

This male-female ying/yang thing is beyond me LOL

Char

the background of my email is shawn p (pictured) is my h/s classmate - of which i had a VERY secret "crush" on - i NEVER told him or even smiled at him - but i COULD tell you what he wore of every day of h/s & i could describe him head2toe - & even that he has the most beautiful smile & eyes (eyelashes too; they are the curliest i have ever seen!!!) BUT i never DARED to tell him this - just sat in classes that we shared QUIETLY and observed - & listened & observed him some more - never once in all of h/s did i tell him of my "crush" i just observed & wondered & daydreamed & having found him online - i told him of my crush & he was EXTREMELY POLITE & said I would have to keep on wondering - which is what an extremely diplomatic way of saying FOAD???????????? ouch ouch ouch he sent me the profile shot because that is how i remembered him - his left profile because that is where i sat ALWAYS where he was considered - 1 row over/left and 1 seat back and WATCHED & never spoke in english class - NOPE not once - just dreamily listened & watched & hoped that he would what???? Magically clue in? hahaha A 17-year-old boy CLUE IN? To an unspoken crush? Seated so very close? HAHAHAHA AS IF So this is my apology to him... I will find his original email or maybe not - He is very diplomatic and ohhhhhhhhhhh I was the foolish 17-year-old reaching out - With hope = IDIOT I AM lolololol **sigh**

Okay I have re-read your email that you sent to me and it has sunk in and the "you will have to keep wondering"

You are going to Japan to make up with someone that you very obviously care very much for.... I just wanted to take the time to apologize for my emails...

I just in my foolishness of schoolwork/tests/finals, not grasping what you were writing to me etc etc Just excuses really... And me "falling back in time" and having Shawn P. back "in" my life & my initial reaction(s) to you just came flooding back - The school girl crush (me2u) was really quite a) silent b) severe lol I could even describe you down to your eyelashes lol I would be able to pick you out in a crowd easily lol So me being the idiot I am expressed that and stupidly - I knew then Would never be reciprocated LOL

Besides you have a whole life - How could I say? Hey Shawn I would love to get to know you & see where it goes? You are in Thailand, quite settled and I am in B.C. quite unsettled LOL How could this be anything? Like what? Move to Thailand? Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the farthest I've been is Mexico where I knew "what" it would be like - Thailand woahhhh LOL I'd be like a kid - Scared and what? Everything NEW.

I knew IF I made the move or said anything to you - I'd make a complete ass/fool of myself and you'd look at me and probably a) not take me seriously b) outright LAFF at me or what I guessed was outright reject me and I would be devestated hahaha

So I give you my friendship and forget the girlcrush/mine and get to know the Shawn of today

I wish you luck daring to "try again" I've been that deeply in love with one man that I went back and he knew he could keep on coming back which he did intermittently until he finally walked away I cried I think for a year straight I wish you Happiness Shawn - I hope it works for you -

I remember you always smiling - And those eyes!!! I am sure I never made the same impression on you. Hardly. I was very insignificant female/person in H/S - I was K.K.'s shadow - I am trying to express myself correctly after too much weed - I think the best word is yes, crush or "smitten" I never really talked to you because I couldn't -

I would like to be your friend - Cyberly - I would be honored -

There I have apologized for my faux pas and ooooooooooops i did it again-ness You have a friend, you always have, I am just DARING to make it known - Besides I think it is fantastic that you are working on being with another - A male FRIEND is probably the best thing FOR ME. I've never had that - Isn't that sad? I've always changed it shockingly fast to let's f--- Then retreat. To my safety go away now zone.

I do not, nor did I ever want to do that with you. I was into meditation already and wicca in H/S and I was told you and I would never be "insignificant" and that was another reason I never communicated with you - Does any of this make sense?

Probably not - But I will send it anyways - She is a lucky girl/woman I hope she realizes the gift she is being given a 2nd Chance - Me? I never dared for a First Chance.

But I am your FRIEND, however you decide. Oh and for Xmas ? I would love a phone call Oh wait that is me being an IDIOT again LOL

K I am over and out - I am going to copy and paste this nonsense onto my blog and read it straight tomorrow LOL

I hope this gets a reply more than FOAD char **sigh**

charlene

i have, in my dreams, have had PAUL STANLEY perform this accoustically JUST ME AND HIM

suuuuuuuuure IF that were to occur I think I would just ummmmmmmmm die right then because I would not be able to breathe, talk, or move HAH

it's a DREAM of mine to MEET PAUL STANLEY one day - i WOULD SHAKE from head to toe

charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca

it's PAUL STANLEY video night LMAO

woooo wooooo

party of one hahahaa

PAUL STANLEY IS BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTIFUL

yah baby

a fan forever,

charlene

i hope this video works LOL

paul gets AAAAAAAAAAAAANGRY

HILARIOUS

GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE GOOD LUCK LANCE

YOUR FAN,

Charlene

News Bulletin:

Seven-times winner Lance Armstrong will make a Tour de France comeback next year, his spokesman told Reuters on Monday.

The 37-year-old rider announced in September he was coming out of retirement for the 2009 season.

A cancer survivor, Armstrong won the Tour for a record seven consecutive years from 1999-2005.

The American retired following his 2005 victory and has since devoted himself to the fight against cancer - raising funds and awareness through his foundation.

Armstrong, who will race for Astana, had already confirmed that he would race the Giro d'Italia, the Tour of Flanders and the Tour of California and several of the one-day classic races.

The Texas-born former road race world champion and bronze medalist from the Sydney Olympics in 2000, had said he would make his first race back in the Tour Down Under around Adelaide, Australia in January.

Armstrong has had a strained relationship with the Tour de France organizers, the Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), who said in October that his return would be "embarrassing."

The French daily newspaper L'Equipe, owned by ASO's parent company EPA (Editions Philippe Amaury), claimed three years ago that samples of Armstrong's urine from 1999 showed traces of the banned blood-boosting substance erythropoietin.

Armstrong, however, never tested positive and was cleared by a Dutch investigator appointed by the International Cycling Union.

The American has also questioned how safe he would be in France, expressing concerns about being targeted by fans.

I have bought a car from a neighbour who states he is a Mechanic for 28 years - and also he assured me that the car I was buying from him was in "Working Order" i.e. Fine in all aspects - Well I have paid for it and it is not "fine in all aspects" In fact, currently it sits in my driveway - The background is this - It seems that every 4th time that I drive it - It breaks down and starts to "smoke" 2x I have had the fantastic AND VERY/EXTREMELY POLITE N. firemen come to my Beater "fire" - Both times I have had sad car towed home UGH I called my seller/mechanic and he "fixed" it And yep, 4x later, no more go - Right now his answer is (and I am SO NOT a mechanic) "Due to the firemen's actions they caused a crack in the manifold" I believe is what he said? Well I talked to him/the mechanic on Thursday night last - And he ASSURED me that he would work on the vehicle - Picking it up Saturday and DEFINITELY SUNDAY - To lift the entire engine out and see DEFINITELY what the problem is EXACTLY? Well ummmm - Nothing has occurred? Car has not moved from my driveway?

My question is this - How many times do I ask him to "fix" this car? Or when is it beyond the limits? Of you are an #^$&&*$^%#$^$# and I want my cash back? I have never "bought" a car privately before so I REALLY do not know the "rules" in a private sale????

I am really confused here and I am a student so the funds are limited and went with this vehicle on his assurances etc etc?

Thanks for listening...

Author: Charlene
landscapersrule@yahoo.ca